This is Book 1 out of 3 in my trilogy!
When a new colt comes to town, the Cutie Mark Crusaders are the first to welcome him to their group. Unfortunately, the Crusaders find themselves thrown into a love struggle that threatens to tear their friendship apart! Will the Cutie Mark Crusaders be able to overcome this, or will their emotions take over and destroy their friendship? Not to mention the many other shenanigans that will ensue.
Can't a colt get a break?
UPDATE: A HUGE Thank you is in order for everyone who watched, faved, and liked my story thus far! You guys are awesome!
Chapters (6)
Ooo, I like the idea. Okay, so to begin with, make sure to state who is speaking clearly. I was a little confused, and this might be aided by adding a line everytime a new pony/person speaks. That would clear that up pretty quickly. I like the idea, remember... DUO CANNOT BE AN ALICORN. He needs to be a unicorn, and sorry if that screws up anything for this story. It's okay to have nephews of the princesses, but remember that alicorn status is only given to extremely powerful unicorns. Twilight devoted her entire life to become as strong as she has, which is why she is becoming an alicorn.
Also, thank you for not trying to recreate Applebloom's southern accent. There are a few words you can use to give her one, just don't make it terribly overdone. Southerners have a dialect, but many of us actually speak proper English after all.
2074229
Well every paragraph only one pony speaks, the pony that is speaking has been mentioned Sweetie Belle is speaking in the second paragraph as seen when she hopped in front of the other 2. In every paragraph only one pony shall be speaking. Hopefully this clears up anyone's confusion.
2074383 I would still add a line, because that is actually the basic grammar of dialogue. Every time a quote opens up you skip a line, and then you can also pause the dialogue and continue it. Just make sure there isn't a huge amount of detail in the pause. I'm not saying that I didn't understand the dialogue confusion, I was aware who was speaking, but it needs to be separated because someone who is just reading this won't want to have to pause and analyze who is speaking. Either way I look forward to helping you with the next chapter.
2077387
Can you give me an example? Also im not done with chapter 1 yet but in Chapter 2 i will input the proper stuff.
2079035 Here
You may have read it already, but it has enough dialogue it could help. If that still isn't enough I have a few more with dialogue examples. You cold go look up the in depth rules of it too. Just Google it.
2079399
A nearly perfect example, I shall take note of it. Although the problem of who is speaking and when hasnt been solved.
I would recommend switching this up. Maybe they were "smiling a big smile".
typo
As for the rest of it, it's pretty good. It is a good introduction chapter, and I like how you kept all the characters in canon. They fit the show, and no more complaints about dialogue. It all seems pretty in order, but before submitting I would write the second chapter. Not many people are going to want to read just the first chapter to be left hanging.
2079852
Noted and taken care of. Typo has been addressed, and it now says "slowly smiled big and wide."
I shall try my best to speed up Chapter 2, I can not guarantee it's promise to be better formatted than the first in doing this though.
If there's four ponies involved wouldn't that make a quadrangle?
2079936
Nope because Duo isn't aware that they have a crush on him. They fight amongst themselves while he only has eyes for Sweetie Belle. So thats where the triangle comes in. Duo is in the middle.
2079936
Also it would be called a Love Square if thats the case, doesnt sound real catchy does it?
2079982
Or a Love Quadrilateral. Or a Rhombus, Kite, Parallelogram, etc. Rectangles are nice too.
2080636
LOL! Okay, okay you made your point! Thing is Duo isn't part of the triangle cause he only likes 1 filly and 1 filly alone. The reason for the "Triangle" is because 3 fillies like 1 colt.
2080701
Because I'm in the Geometry mood, I'll point out how Duo is part of the triangle. He's either the apothem, the radius, or a random point within. Depending on where each of the CMC is placed and if it's a regular triangle or not. Assuming we're talking about a regular triangle and each line represents a crusader with Duo in the center, he's the apothem. If each crusader represents a corner, he's a radius whether it's irregular or not. If each represents a line and it's and irregular triangle, then I guess if you consider the triangle as a plane, then Duo is a part of said triangular plane. It's almost like saying a freckle on your face isn't part of your face. Did I just write a paragraph arguing about why a fictional character within a love triangle is technically part of the triangle? Yes, yes I did.
update it soon pweaz
2081153
HAHAHAHA! Nice use of geometry bro! I see what you mean, in a sense he is part of the triangle cause he is in the middle of it all and there's no escape.
2082256
I am doing my best, just know that if rushed it will have alot of errors in it which im trying to prevent.
Oh yeah!
UPDATE: Chapter 2 will be in the same format as this one since i tried the other ways and it just didnt sit right with me.
UPDATE: Chapter 3 is in the works and is now 1/4 of the way done! 3/4 left to write before I post it up, wish me luck!
good job so far
keep it up
Two characters speaking in the same Paragraph, two very short chapters and overall sub-par layout and grammar.
Yeah I'm not going to lie, you need to work on this alot. You could have done something interesting with this and really made it shine. Sadly you aren't living up to that promise.
I tried the other ways that were on here but after reading a few chapters of a few books i've seen the format of fanfictions and books are very diferent. The way I write is as if im writing a book, I am not happy with only being a fanfiction writer. this is my stepping stone to becoming a book-writer so i'm not gonna let anyone step on my toes. Besides, if the book Lolita was able to get published with all of its format errors then surely this isn't as bad. So sit back and enjoy the story.
P.S. Thanks for the input and i shall grow upon it but this is only my first story, you haven't seen anything yet.
2088334
Also chapter 2 is short cause i had a stomach ache and ran out of ideas. I mean the Author notes are there for a reason.
2088506 That's just an excuse. What I and any other experianced writer would have done was save our progress, close the program and get some rest and get back to it when we're good and healthy. If we run out of ideas for a scene we transition to a new one. We set ourselves minimum chapter lengths and simply wont post anything untill we've made enough progress to reach that limit (the standard is a minimum of 2000 words).
Anything less is simply an excuse for not putting in any effort. Thats the harsh truth of it.
Almost all experianced fan fic writers who aim for quality are trying to become published authors, myself included. We all look to novels for examples of how to write well and all have favourites, my personal favourites including the Dragonlance Chronicles, the first of which, Dragons of Autumn Twilight, is heralded as having the most beautiful introduction for the main characters in literary history.
None of us will have anything good to say about a book that has two characters speaking in the same paragraph. That is simply bad writing.
Lolita is considered a classic for its subject matter and storytelling style, not the actual quality of the writing.
Something else to remember is the fact 90% of all fanfiction is actually pretty aweful. This stems from sheer laziness, the writer having no idea what they're doing or a 'Near Enough is Good Enough' attitude. You are planting yourself squarely in the third category.
You can't become a decent puplished author on that attitude. Knuckle down, get serious and put everything you have into you're writing or those that manage to reach the 10% will have every right to look down at you.
2088506 I'm not trying to step on your toes.
Think of me as the guy standing behind you with a cane ready to smack you the moment you mess up.
2088605
Well if you read Chapter 2 Author notes you would have seen I am trying to make chapter 3 longer. Also all I was told before that the writing minimum is 1,000 words as seen in the FAQs section of this site. I am not trying to argue the minimum amount of words, but I would rather help someone with their story instead of bashing their face in about it.
2088605
So far the only helpful thing I managed to pull from all this bashing is the 2,000 word thing.
2088622 2,000 words minimum per chapter. Why? That way the reader can expect a somewhat decent update everytime you post a chapter. It also means you give a reader more of a reason to keep reading when they first look at your story. This isn't to say you can't write more, though between 2,000 and 10,000 is generally considered the best range. Kkat is known to write around 40,000 per chapter when writing Fallout: Equestria. Novels will generally range between 2k and 10k in thier chapters also.
You also seem to be ignoring the thing I've been pointing out right from the start. You have two characters speaking in the same paragraph. Not only is this a case of bad writing in general but can confuse the reader in turn making them simply click away, or put the book down, and never return.
Another piece of advice; get a proofreader. There is a link to a group on my profile where you can try and get proofreaders to look at your stuff (if you follow thier rules). Since you have literaly zero experiance you should try and get one thier upper echelon onboard to whip you into shape. (For the record: Yes, I need a proofreader. There is no shame in admitting your faults.)
The only way more than one pony speaking in a paragraph can be confusing is if there is no indication that someone else is speaking. I make sure I say who is speaking and when so the reader WON'T be confused. Also I have a proof reader who pointed out the same thing. Chapter 3 will only have one pony speak per paragraph though so it can be better understandable to you and anyone else who is confused.
2088666
That isn't to say though that a story can't be written just as good. When I first started out I was the WORST writer ever. Wall-of-texts, no paragraphs, and run-on sentences. I had to improve and always will have to improve to be better. I shall keep the story in the 2k-10k mark from now on and will try to keep it one pony per paragraph. My faults are that I am too prideful of my work and see negative comments as a form of bashing rather than constrctive criticism. I blame trolls for this though.
2086990
I shall be sure to do so! Thanks for the support
This comment wont involve a stick but more just me putting voice to some concerns I have.
Namely I'm not sure if you, as a self-admitted first timer, are really ready to be handling something as complex has a four character love triangle (I know that sounds counter-inuitive but that actually is a thing... so on the upside the title is accurate and correct!). Handling one love interest can be tough to do convincingly, two can be like running a short marathon... Three can be like being that uber-muscled Pegasi's training partner... I don't just mean that from a writing perspective either.
Basically you're giving yourself a heck of a hard job for a first fic, I'm not saying you can't do it, I'm just worried about how well you can do it.
To put this in perspective, I'm pushing myself by writing a fic where the main character is currently to acquire eight love interests...
2095821
For once I agree with you on that. That is why before every chapter i write I always think hard about what to write next, a love triangle with 4 people is quite hard. But as long as i stick to my guns and the fact that the 4th character is trapped in the triangle things should hopefully work for the best. Besides i got many favorites and no dislikes so i must be doing something right
2095821
Especially thinking of what makes the crusaders fall for him in the first place.
2097305 Just the concept alone will net you a bunch of likes and favs. Doing it well earns you a whole lot more (case in point, Winner equaled what you have for both chapters just on its first in the same period of time. I attribute this both to overall quality and the fact the main character french kissed Diamond Tiara to shut her up).
Thinking of what makes everypony fall for them is hard yes. Just try and think of what would appeal to that character first and how it would grow from there. If they're all madly in love with him within three days of his arrival you've done something terribly wrong. It should take weeks to months for them to figure out what it is they're feeling. I mean, did you know you where in love the first time you felt that way? I sure as hell didn't and I spent weeks trying to figure it out.
Trying to do it concincingly for the three Crusaders (assuming Duo is oblivious the whole time) shouldn't be too hard to get rolling if you use the 'what would appeal to each filly' angle. Doing it (what is now) nine times... yeah... I'm working my way towards a Love Dodecahedron.
2097425
What if one action Duo does, sparks something in the Crusaders they just can't figure out yet? Then they find themselves wanting to impress him?
UPDATE: Chapter 3 will no longer be stalled due to fear of the site maintenance not saving it. I have come to the conclusion that while writing it i will copy and paste it to microsoft word so i can save a copy just in case. Expect another chapter hopefully by the end of this week.
2104481 It have to be something very impressive to get all three interested at the same time. I've not gone that route because I couldn't think of anything that worked.
2104793
What if it's in the sense of a life or death situation? It's happened before
2105015
Does it fit the story you want to tell? I've had alot of ideas of what I could do with Winner that I've discarded since they don't fit the theme of the story (For Winner it's Love, Self Discovery and Embracing Change). It's too early in Duo's story for me to know what you're aiming for so I can't say if it would fit or not. Only you can answer that.
UPDATE: I am seriously trying to rush Chapter 3 to meet my end of week deadline. If there are any errors when I post it please let me know nicely.
UPDATE: Chapter 3 is now done and published, enjoy everypony!
An improvement, but you still have a ways to go.
Now it's all down to experiance and knowing when to start a new paragraph (hint: you have several that should be split)
2146197
every paragraph has 5-6 sentences which is the required amount. Don't believe me?
I dont count the dialogue as sentences.
2146467 That is a good upper limit. However what I meant was several of the existing paragraphs ran on a bit.
Example;
Back at Fluttershy's cottage Duo was seen laying in a bed with a cast on his left hind leg. "You girls did the right thing by letting me know, I am proud of you." Applebloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle all smiled at Fluttershy's compliment but quickly frowned from what she said next. "What were you thinking exploring a dark and scary cave all by yourselves in the forest? You could have gotten seriously hurt by that Ursa Minor!" Scootaloo went to protest but Fluttershy gave her the stare causing her to freeze up and step back nervously. "You should all be grateful I don't tell your sisters!" The three fillies looked down sadly and ashamed. Fluttershy then floated over to Duo who was now sitting up.
Should be more like;
Back at Fluttershy's cottage Duo was seen laying in a bed with a cast on his left hind leg. "You girls did the right thing by letting me know, I am proud of you." Applebloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle all smiled at Fluttershy's compliment but quickly frowned from what she said next.
"What were you thinking exploring a dark and scary cave all by yourselves in the forest? You could have gotten seriously hurt by that Ursa Minor!" Scootaloo went to protest but Fluttershy gave her the stare causing her to freeze up and step back nervously. "You should all be grateful I don't tell your sisters!" The three fillies looked down sadly and ashamed. Fluttershy then floated over to Duo who was now sitting up.
Notice how the tone shifts more fluidly from praise to scolding by simply splitting the paragraph?
Also a paragraph should be a minimum of 2 sentances with a maximum of 5 or 6 but only is it maintains the same tone and subject. The praise to scolding example above is a good example for that.
2146524
That makes much more sense.
2146524
Wait, does this mean I am almost a part of the 10% fanfictions that are good?