A dark-grey unicorn colt was seen stepping down from the train while moving his head shyly to the side. His mane and tail was white on the right and black on the left, his mane was parted in front of his face to make it look like bangs on either side of his cheeks. Upon closer look his white freckles were seen underneath his eyes. "Um... are you mares the ones i'm supposed to meet?" The obviously timid colt asked the question without making eye contact.
The three fillies ran up to him with big smiles on their faces making him step back nervously. Scootaloo was the first to speak up of the three. "So I am guessing you must be Duo huh?" The colt just nodded now looking down shyly. "That's soo cool! So you are pretty much royalty! Do you--"
Scootaloo was rudely interrupted by Sweetie Belle who bumped her out of the way making her yelp in surprise. Duo looked up and blushed lightly when he saw the white filly up close to his face. "Please excuse her, she gets very excited at potential new members."
Duo just nodded at Sweetie Belle's comment still blushing a bit more deeper.
"Oh!" Sweetie Belle moved back a bit and cleared her throat. "Let me introduce you to us!" One by one Sweetie Belle pointed out the fillies and mares that were around them. "This is Apple Bloom, she is Applejack's little sister, the big white unicorn here is my sister Rarity, and the orange filly you saw is Scootaloo." She then twirled around and bowed politely to Duo. "My name is Sweetie Belle!"
Duo waved hello to each of them and returned Sweetie Belle's bow.
Once Scootaloo got over her shock of the sudden push, she stood up and shook her head. "I notice you don't have a Cutie Mark Duo, that means you can become a Cutie Mark Crusader!"
Duo raised an eyebrow and decided to speak up again. "What's a Cutie Mark Crusader?"
Rarity rolled her eyes and stepped back as the three fillies suddenly got filled with even more energy than before. Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle stood side-by-side and all shouted at once. "We are the Cutie Mark Crusaders!"
This outburst caught Duo off-guard and made him fall back in shock.
Once Duo regained his composure he stood up and smiled at the fillies. "Okay, how do I join the group?"
Apple Bloom was now standing next to Duo as she put a hoof around his neck and pulled him into a friendly one-armed embrace as she spoke. "You silly colt, you already are a member! You just need to go through orientation!"
Duo was silent due to the embrace making Applebloom blush and let go, giggling nervously.
Apple Bloom took a few moments to calm herself down before speaking again. "Come on, We shall show you the way to our headquarters!" Duo nodded his head and followed the very excited fillies to the headquarters as Rarity and Applejack walked back home giggling amongst themselves.
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Once the train station was out of sight, and the girls had finally calmed down, Scootaloo decided to break the silence that had befallen them, "So... since you are related to Princess Luna, does that mean you live in an awesome home in Manehattan?!" Her tiny wings fluttered at the prospect of such an image.
"You must also have tons of money!" Apple Bloom added with a toothy grin.
"Not to mention all the toys any filly or colt could ask for!" Sweetie Belle chipped in.
Duo simply shook his head with a sigh. "I wish..."
This caused all three of them to stop smiling, and frown instead. "What?! Buy you are royalty, you are supposed to be living the good life!" Scootaloo argued.
Duo frowned as he quickened his pace a bit. "That's not how it works for me Scootaloo..."
"Well then how does it work?" Scootaloo asked curiously.
Sweetie Belle looked at Scootaloo and frowned more. "Scootaloo..."
Duo stopped walking and sighed. "I don't want to talk about it..."
Scootaloo groaned in annoyance as she stood in front of him. "Come on tell us! It can't be that bad your majesty." She then gave a mock bow to Duo.
Sweetie Belle was now glaring at Scootaloo. "Scootaloo stop, please."
Duo scowled when he saw this. "Please don't do that... and don't call me that. I don't want to be considered a noble..."
Scootaloo then stood up from her bow and growled. "Why the hay not?"
Duo could not take the badgering anymore as he stomped a fore hoof on the ground, before shouting as loud as he could. "I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT OKAY?!"
All three fillies gasped from the outburst, causing Scootaloo to lower her head. "Sorry dude..."
Duo sighed and shook his head. "It's okay, I promise I will tell you three everything... just not right now."
The three fillies nodded and continued to walk towards the clubhouse. It was then Apple Bloom decided to speak up. "Now that the formalities are out of the way, let's hurry up and induct Duo to our team!"
All four of them smiled happily and rushed off to get to their destination. Duo was trailing behind, thinking of when the right time to tell them of the truth about his status as a noble would be. He simply shrugged it off and galloped faster to catch up, he figured the right time will present itself. For now, he was concentrated on joining this club and imagining the many adventures he would have in it.
UPDATE: Chapter 3 is in the works and is now 1/4 of the way done! 3/4 left to write before I post it up, wish me luck!
good job so far keep it up
Two characters speaking in the same Paragraph, two very short chapters and overall sub-par layout and grammar.
Yeah I'm not going to lie, you need to work on this alot. You could have done something interesting with this and really made it shine. Sadly you aren't living up to that promise.
I tried the other ways that were on here but after reading a few chapters of a few books i've seen the format of fanfictions and books are very diferent. The way I write is as if im writing a book, I am not happy with only being a fanfiction writer. this is my stepping stone to becoming a book-writer so i'm not gonna let anyone step on my toes. Besides, if the book Lolita was able to get published with all of its format errors then surely this isn't as bad. So sit back and enjoy the story.
P.S. Thanks for the input and i shall grow upon it but this is only my first story, you haven't seen anything yet.
2088334
Also chapter 2 is short cause i had a stomach ache and ran out of ideas. I mean the Author notes are there for a reason.
2088506 That's just an excuse. What I and any other experianced writer would have done was save our progress, close the program and get some rest and get back to it when we're good and healthy. If we run out of ideas for a scene we transition to a new one. We set ourselves minimum chapter lengths and simply wont post anything untill we've made enough progress to reach that limit (the standard is a minimum of 2000 words).
Anything less is simply an excuse for not putting in any effort. Thats the harsh truth of it.
Almost all experianced fan fic writers who aim for quality are trying to become published authors, myself included. We all look to novels for examples of how to write well and all have favourites, my personal favourites including the Dragonlance Chronicles, the first of which, Dragons of Autumn Twilight, is heralded as having the most beautiful introduction for the main characters in literary history.
None of us will have anything good to say about a book that has two characters speaking in the same paragraph. That is simply bad writing.
Lolita is considered a classic for its subject matter and storytelling style, not the actual quality of the writing.
Something else to remember is the fact 90% of all fanfiction is actually pretty aweful. This stems from sheer laziness, the writer having no idea what they're doing or a 'Near Enough is Good Enough' attitude. You are planting yourself squarely in the third category.
You can't become a decent puplished author on that attitude. Knuckle down, get serious and put everything you have into you're writing or those that manage to reach the 10% will have every right to look down at you.
2088506 I'm not trying to step on your toes.
Think of me as the guy standing behind you with a cane ready to smack you the moment you mess up.
2088605
Well if you read Chapter 2 Author notes you would have seen I am trying to make chapter 3 longer. Also all I was told before that the writing minimum is 1,000 words as seen in the FAQs section of this site. I am not trying to argue the minimum amount of words, but I would rather help someone with their story instead of bashing their face in about it.
2088605
So far the only helpful thing I managed to pull from all this bashing is the 2,000 word thing.
2088622 2,000 words minimum per chapter. Why? That way the reader can expect a somewhat decent update everytime you post a chapter. It also means you give a reader more of a reason to keep reading when they first look at your story. This isn't to say you can't write more, though between 2,000 and 10,000 is generally considered the best range. Kkat is known to write around 40,000 per chapter when writing Fallout: Equestria. Novels will generally range between 2k and 10k in thier chapters also.
You also seem to be ignoring the thing I've been pointing out right from the start. You have two characters speaking in the same paragraph. Not only is this a case of bad writing in general but can confuse the reader in turn making them simply click away, or put the book down, and never return.
Another piece of advice; get a proofreader. There is a link to a group on my profile where you can try and get proofreaders to look at your stuff (if you follow thier rules). Since you have literaly zero experiance you should try and get one thier upper echelon onboard to whip you into shape. (For the record: Yes, I need a proofreader. There is no shame in admitting your faults.)
The only way more than one pony speaking in a paragraph can be confusing is if there is no indication that someone else is speaking. I make sure I say who is speaking and when so the reader WON'T be confused. Also I have a proof reader who pointed out the same thing. Chapter 3 will only have one pony speak per paragraph though so it can be better understandable to you and anyone else who is confused.
2088666
That isn't to say though that a story can't be written just as good. When I first started out I was the WORST writer ever. Wall-of-texts, no paragraphs, and run-on sentences. I had to improve and always will have to improve to be better. I shall keep the story in the 2k-10k mark from now on and will try to keep it one pony per paragraph. My faults are that I am too prideful of my work and see negative comments as a form of bashing rather than constrctive criticism. I blame trolls for this though.
2086990
I shall be sure to do so! Thanks for the support
This comment wont involve a stick but more just me putting voice to some concerns I have.
Namely I'm not sure if you, as a self-admitted first timer, are really ready to be handling something as complex has a four character love triangle (I know that sounds counter-inuitive but that actually is a thing... so on the upside the title is accurate and correct!). Handling one love interest can be tough to do convincingly, two can be like running a short marathon... Three can be like being that uber-muscled Pegasi's training partner... I don't just mean that from a writing perspective either.
Basically you're giving yourself a heck of a hard job for a first fic, I'm not saying you can't do it, I'm just worried about how well you can do it.
To put this in perspective, I'm pushing myself by writing a fic where the main character is currently to acquire eight love interests...
2095821
For once I agree with you on that. That is why before every chapter i write I always think hard about what to write next, a love triangle with 4 people is quite hard. But as long as i stick to my guns and the fact that the 4th character is trapped in the triangle things should hopefully work for the best. Besides i got many favorites and no dislikes so i must be doing something right
2095821
Especially thinking of what makes the crusaders fall for him in the first place.
2097305 Just the concept alone will net you a bunch of likes and favs. Doing it well earns you a whole lot more (case in point, Winner equaled what you have for both chapters just on its first in the same period of time. I attribute this both to overall quality and the fact the main character french kissed Diamond Tiara to shut her up).
Thinking of what makes everypony fall for them is hard yes. Just try and think of what would appeal to that character first and how it would grow from there. If they're all madly in love with him within three days of his arrival you've done something terribly wrong. It should take weeks to months for them to figure out what it is they're feeling. I mean, did you know you where in love the first time you felt that way? I sure as hell didn't and I spent weeks trying to figure it out.
Trying to do it concincingly for the three Crusaders (assuming Duo is oblivious the whole time) shouldn't be too hard to get rolling if you use the 'what would appeal to each filly' angle. Doing it (what is now) nine times... yeah... I'm working my way towards a Love Dodecahedron.
2097425
What if one action Duo does, sparks something in the Crusaders they just can't figure out yet? Then they find themselves wanting to impress him?
UPDATE: Chapter 3 will no longer be stalled due to fear of the site maintenance not saving it. I have come to the conclusion that while writing it i will copy and paste it to microsoft word so i can save a copy just in case. Expect another chapter hopefully by the end of this week.
2104481 It have to be something very impressive to get all three interested at the same time. I've not gone that route because I couldn't think of anything that worked.
2104793
What if it's in the sense of a life or death situation? It's happened before
2105015
Does it fit the story you want to tell? I've had alot of ideas of what I could do with Winner that I've discarded since they don't fit the theme of the story (For Winner it's Love, Self Discovery and Embracing Change). It's too early in Duo's story for me to know what you're aiming for so I can't say if it would fit or not. Only you can answer that.
UPDATE: I am seriously trying to rush Chapter 3 to meet my end of week deadline. If there are any errors when I post it please let me know nicely.
The one tip I simply cannot let slip by on this one is showing and not telling.
Don't tell us that he's obviously timid, show it through his actions and reactions.
In this chapter, you do a good job of the showing, but you're still including the telling, which should only be used if the narrator is shown to be unreliable or skewed and is making a comment on the very content they are narrating.