Humans in Equestria

by TheOwl

Story 5#

Story 5#

The year is Twenty Thousendwhogivesacrap.

Humanity had spread threw the stars and had colonised thousands of planets. The United Human Federation/Empire/Something was keeping things under control for a while until we encountered a race of some evil religious, highly advanced fanatic bug/aliens that started an intergalactic war.

This is my story how I saved a world from its doom, how I rescued it from its downfall and got hailed as a he-

“Are you done with the monologuing sir?” the Spaceship’s computer asked.

“WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT HAL”

“My name isn’t HAL sir, my name is DAVE.”

“Whatever you say but the moment you touch the life control systems, I’m shutting you off, I swear I will do it”

“Sir, I am taking away your DVD collection the moment I have the chance. On the mean time we are reaching Planet S58008 to check for colonisation processes. Would you like to see the report?”

“Nah, just put that shit on auto pilot and put on Deadly Cop 3.”

“Sir, even through I am capable of taking care of this, I cannot do it without your clearance and assistance and it would be very advisable if yo-” I didn’t let him finish.

“Pffff... They only send one man, in one cramped spaceship to take care of this. What could possibly go wro-” I was interrupted by a loud explosion. Taking a look at my computer screen I noticed that the engines, all of the engines, had died. Not only that but most of the equipment besides life support were out. Not only the engines, the main systems, the air conditioning, the arcade machine, it was crazy!.

“HAL, we are falling into the planet here, prepare calculate me the best possible crushing position for the escape pod.”

“...”

“HAL”

“My name is DAVE, sir”

“Look if its about the name, I stop doing that, now can you please prepare the escape pod.”

“...Negative”

“Its because I took you to planet S1337 to show you my vacation photos, right?”

We were now falling down into the planet’s biosphere only 10 seconds till crush landing.

“It is.”

“I knew that would bite me in the ass one day”.

I closed my eyes as we prepared for impact.

***

I awoke up in a big white room, surrounded by medical equipment with no soul in sight.

As I stood up I saw a Lavender Horse enter the room.

Almost immediately she stood in fear as I did too.

“...I...Imposible” she said.

“You can speak? You can speak my language?” I said too, sounding like a dork.

“Yes, and so do you.”

Then I noticed that she had a horn.

“You have a horn?”

“Yes, all unicorns have. We can do magic.”

“Magic?” I asked

“Yes, magic”

“Magic Magic”

“No barber Magic, WHAT DO YOU THINK” she said.

“My faith and my understanding of the world have been shaken. Oh well, I will just take it as it is” I said to her.

“OK, since you don’t seem that dangerous, I will leave you to go back to your metal can. If on the north, by the forest.” she said as she left through were she came from.

In return, I picked up my stuff which were near me and pulled out my rifle.

My rifle was M2135-1@!#54 machine lazer with 20 different add-ons, such as flash light, night vision, coffee machine and a copy of Doom™ equipped on it. I loaded a magazine and took off the village I was.

***

After leaving the village full of ponies after trying to unsuccessfully bite one of them (It looked candy, ok!) I took one of the roads through the park to reach the forest.

Unfortunately, I got lost in the way and decided to ask a gryphon for directions.

“Hey, can I ask for some directions” I asked.

“Yeah, but be quick monkey octapus” said the gryphon.

“Well, you see I came from the town and I am trying to reach the forest bu-”

“Ten Seconds have passed”

“Ten seconds to wh-PFT” I got interrupted as she scratched my face with her claws.

“RAINBOW DASH IS MY FUCKBUDDY, YOU WILL NEVER GET HER, NEVER!!!” she said.

“JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, YOU FUCKING OVERSIZED TURKEY, I DON’T WANT TO FUCK YOUR MAN.”

“MARE” she corrected.

“WHATEVER” I replied.

“Oh this is priceless. You should have seen how the previous guy reacted to this.” said a pink horse just by the fourth wall.
“WAIT, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? Are you the script writer?”

“Well, I ain’t a script writer but I do have the script.” she pulled a bunch of pages out of hyperspace.

“Great, can you tell me what will happen next?” I asked while trying to hold back the angry gryphon.

She took a look in the pages.

“See, what happens is aliens come in and kill us all”.

And then aliens came and killed us all.

THE END.

=====================================================================

Author notes: I would like to apologise for not posting this yesterday, I kinda messed up with my computer and forgot to post this in.

Anyways, the main Run of “Humans In Equestria” has been completed, I have said everything that I originally set out to tell.

This doesn’t mean that the series is over, far from it, but don’t expect me to post in a daily basis like I did in the past 5 days.

I would also, like to inform you that the grammar mistakes are supposed to be intentional, to give this feel of somebody who has no business writing stories, attempting to write a story. If it gets in the way, I'm sorry but that's how I want it to feel.

Finaly a thank you to the people of Fim Fiction for appreciating my work, even If I don’t particularly find it that good.

Comments

[Nerdrage911191]

"Oops!"
"I forgot to take out the Tracking Device from my Spaceship!"
"Oh Well, no harm done"
And then they killed us
THE END

[Taddy]

Surely there are more HIE Tropes you could make fun of.

[Treat Tyrant]

"The year is Twenty Thousendwhogivesacrap"
i ed at that part

[Aperture lemon]

Covenant?