• Published 9th Jan 2013
  • 2,080 Views, 55 Comments

The One That Would Never Come - Brony2893



Lyra sets out to fulfill a lifelong dream, leaving a distressed marefriend to miss her as Hearth's Warming rolls around.

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This year...

This year would be different. This year she would finally see the mysterious figure in red. She looked over to the present beside her: a red box with a beautiful yellow bow. Inside was a new gift, each one different than the year before.

Lyra Heartstrings sat on the same bench she always did. It was a park outside Ponyville that was too far for most ponies. There was a lamp post next to her that was abandoned and left to rust many years ago, but Lyra always brought a little fuel with her every year, just for this one, special occasion. Its soft glow illuminated the bench, surrounded by a beautiful blanket of pristine, undisturbed snow.

Her hoof prints had been covered up hours ago by the slow, gentle falling of the snow. It was very late now; she hadn’t the faintest idea what the time was, but she didn’t care.

This year would be the one.

Not many ponies knew about the tradition the mint-green unicorn did every year in the park. Lyra had been having these nightly visions ever since she was a filly, but never did anything about it until she moved out. Once the word got out, ponies laughed at her wherever she went; it almost ruined her music career as well. Even her marefriend, Bon Bon, thought her dreams were as silly as Lyra’s personality most days. This was the first year the unicorn hadn’t been living on her own, the first year she lived with her special somepony.

Lyra wrapped the purple scarf tighter around her head and neck. She didn’t want to wear too many clothes that would obscure her features and make the stranger in red think she wasn’t there. She looked up and watched the snow continue to fall, glad she brought a small cloth to protect the gift next to her. She didn’t want it getting ruined, after all.

The weather couldn’t have been more beautiful for the evening before the day everypony celebrated. The sky was as dark as could be; not even Luna’s largest and brightest moon of the year could pierce the snowy shield over the land. Lyra looked in the direction of Ponyville and couldn’t see any of the lights, even though the town’s border was only a couple miles away. It didn’t matter though; she’d memorized the route and wasn’t slowed down, no matter how much snow there was.

Lyra looked down to her hooves and rubbed them together. It was the calmest, least windy Hearth’s Warming Eve she could remember, but she still felt the sting of the cold as it easily bypassed her natural coat. It didn’t matter, though. It would all be worth it when she could give her present to the strange being and know she was not the ‘Looney Lyra’ most ponies thought.

This year she would prove them wrong.

This year she was even more confident in her quest. Ever since she’d started living on her own without the help of her parents, she still had the same dream, exactly as it was now. The only things that changed were the colors of the present, and the scarf she wore every year in those nightly visions. This year was a red box with yellow ribbon and a purple scarf, the year before was a blue box with orange ribbon and a pink scarf, and the list goes on. Her premonition was different this year. For the first time ever, she had the dream twice, and each one showed the same thing. Something inside Lyra told her this would be it.

This would be the year she would go home happy.

“Home…” Lyra whispered to herself. She thought of Bon Bon, likely sitting in front of the window, worried about her. She sighed to herself and exhaled a slow breath, a cloud of particles slowly leaving her muzzle and drifting away. This was the first year she’d ever invited another pony along with her; the first year she trusted somepony with something so important.

The first year she and Bon Bon fought without one apologizing to the other.

Lyra pushed the troubling thoughts of the mare she loved aside and closed her eyes, mentally trying to push back winter’s cold embrace. The unicorn’s thoughts drifted to earlier in the day, the first time her marefriend had made her cry; the first time she felt betrayed by the one she trusted and loved.

<><><><><><><>

It was the eve before Hearth’s Warming Day, and only a few hours until Lyra would leave for her yearly ritual. As with every year, Bon Bon’s shop was filled with customers buying all sorts of candies and treats for their friends and loved ones. Lyra’s musical career was off the charts for the unicorn. She was invited to play for the Blueblood family’s Hearth’s Warming banquet they threw in Canterlot every year. The money would have been nice, and the publicity would have made her a star almost overnight…

But she decided to stay in Ponyville and help the mare she loved most in the world with her work. Lyra didn’t tell Bon Bon about her offer to play in Canterlot; she would have pushed the unicorn to go despite her insistences to stay. So, here Lyra was: in Ponyville, in the back of her marefriend’s shop, helping clean up as Bon Bon’s work day was coming to a close.

Lyra was using her magic to finish cleaning the molds for Bon Bon’s various trademarked candies while the shop’s owner tended to the last customers before closing up. Having tossed the sugar-coated brush into the sink to soak overnight, Lyra headed for the door that led into the main area where her marefriend’s candies were put on display.

Just before opening the swinging door she heard two raised voices from the other side. Recognizing one as Bon Bon, and always looking for the next opportunity to hear what she might have gotten the mint-green unicorn for the holidays, Lyra pushed one ear up to the door and eavesdropped on the unsuspecting ponies outside.

“I just don’t know what I’m going to do, Minuette!” Lyra recognized this as her marefriend’s voice. It was strange to hear the earth pony sounding so frustrated.

“So, she’s still going to do it then, huh?” A second voice asked, likely the blue unicorn Minuette.

“Unfortunately, yes…” Lyra could hear the frustration in her marefriend’s voice. Something in the unicorn’s mind told her to leave, that she wouldn’t want to hear this, but she stayed anyways and listened some more.

“Well, you could always go with her?” Minuette offered.

“What? No! I may love Lyra more than anypony and moved in with her during the summer, but I will not reinforce this habit of hers!” Lyra heard a loud bang, likely her special somepony pounding her hoof on the counter. She knew Bon Bon didn’t truly believe her, but she didn’t imagine her marefriend would actually think she was insane.

“Oh, I’m sorry if I made you upset, Bon. I didn’t mean to make you angry,” Minuette apologized.

“No, I’m sorry, it’s not your fault.” Lyra heard Bon Bon sigh from the other side. “It’s just… even when we were in high school together, she always talked about this dream. I thought if I moved in with her after becoming marefriends, this would be the year she wouldn’t go to that stupid park…”

Lyra could feel tears welling up in her eyes. To think the marefriend she loved enough to marry one day believed her to be insane was painful. Each word Bon Bon said was like a verbal blow to her heart.

“I’m really sorry, Bon...” Minuette said, her voice saddened by the problems her best friends were having.

“She even led me out to that park yesterday and asked me to wait with her tonight!” the candy maker continued, her pent-up anger finally letting loose. “I told her I’d think about it, but I already knew I wouldn’t do it.”

“Well, why not? It sounds really sweet of her to invite you to something so important to her,” Minuette happily remarked. Lyra’s mood took a slightly positive turn, hoping their mutual blue friend might change her marefriend’s mind.

“I don’t want to spend my first Hearth Warming Celebration with Lyra sitting on a bench in the middle of nowhere! I want to spend it with her at home, all nice and warm, not freezing to death waiting for some imaginary ‘red stranger’…” Another quick pounding noise ended her rant, effectively putting a period to everything she’d said. Lyra listened as a silent tear rolled down her face.

“Doesn’t that sound a bit selfish, Bon?” Minuette accused. The blue unicorn was a fantastic friend for the reason she wouldn’t take somepony’s side simply because they were her friend. If somepony was wrong, she called them out on it.

“I know it sounds selfish, but I planned on tonight being special, not boring and annoyed by Lyra’s antics.” That was it. That was the final stab in the heart Lyra needed before she started to break down.

“Well, I, uh, should be getting to the family, they’ll be waiting for me,” Minuette stuttered out.

“Alright, I understand. I hope you all enjoy the candies,” Bon Bon replied, still in a poor mood. Lyra heard a few hoof steps through her sobs, each step getting slightly quieter. She’d guessed Minuette was leaving now.

“Oh, and Bon? Go easy on Lyra… she just wants to include you in her life more.”

“Goodbye, Minuette,” Bon Bon’s flat, un-amused voice responded. Lyra stood up straight and squelched any new tears; she wouldn’t just wallow and cry back in the kitchen. The mint-green unicorn gathered a few more moments of silent courage, and pushed open the door leading to the main room.

Lyra entered just in time to see the front door closing behind itself, and a surprised Bon Bon turning to meet her gaze.

“Oh, hey honey! Did you finish cleaning the…” Bon Bon’s voice faded as she saw the bloodshot eyes of her marefriend and the tear streaks leading how her face. The candy maker bowed her head and looked down to the floor. “You… you heard us, didn’t you?” She weakly asked, not having the courage to meet the unicorn’s gaze.

“Every, little, word, dear,” Lyra paused between each word and put a particularly venomous sting to the last.

“Lyra, I’m… I didn’t mean—“

“Save it. It’s too late, Bon…” Lyra interrupted before calmly walking over to the front door and stopping. “I guess I have your answer about tonight then, don’t I?” She asked without bothering to turn around. Lyra didn’t even wait for a reply as she walked outside and let the door shut on its own, leaving her loving marefriend alone with her thoughts.

<><><><><><><>

That was many hours ago, and Lyra still sat alone on the abandoned park bench, the light from the old lamp giving a dim glow to the heartbroken unicorn. She hadn’t seen Bon Bon since she left the shop; she just grabbed the present, cloth and purple scarf and ran to the park.

“Stupid Bon Bon… stupid winter celebrations… stupid cold… stupid dreams…” she mumbled to herself as she abandoned her favored sitting position and pulled her hind legs up so she could sit in a position that held her warmth better. Lyra buried her face into herself and thought once again of what this might mean for their relationship; how it might be the end. “… stupid… me…” Lyra sniffed to herself and began to cry, alone with nopony around to comfort her, and no mysterious dream figure to receive her gift.

This year would be the worst one ever.

This year, she cried herself to sleep as the snow covered her body one flake at a time.

<><><><><><><>

Bon Bon stared out the window of the living room of the house she shared with her marefriend. Tear marks, old and new coated her face and even the carpet where she’d been sitting for hours, just watching, hoping her love would come home.

I was such a fool! I shouldn’t have said those things about her… she must be feeling even worse than I do right now, Bon Bon thought as she placed a hoof on the window, longing to feel the loving touch of her marefriend on the most special night of the year.

Minuette was right… it was so selfish of me to say that, to even think that! I love Lyra with all my heart. We’ve always been there for each other even before we dated, we’ve gotten through so much together, I love her so much, and…

“…and tonight should be spent with her…” Bon Bon finished her thoughts with a whisper to herself. Having instantly decided against all doubts and not giving it a second thought, she ran over to the door, picked up her heavy, blue winter coat, and ran as fast as her legs could carry her through the front door and out into the white world that winter had created.

Please be there, Lyra… please don’t be mad at me…



It didn’t take her long to find the place she’d been the day before. Even with the shroud of darkness and lack of light from the moon or town, she easily retraced her steps from the day prior. It was very, very cold outside as she walked the snow-covered path, but thankfully she had on her blue coat and there was almost no breeze to speak of. In fact, the candy-making mare was quite toasty.

Not much further down the path she spotted a dim light off in the distance. She increased her speed as the loud crunching of the snow under her hooves reflected. Bon Bon slowed her approach as she came up behind the bench, giving herself a moment to catch her breath.

I’ll just go up to her and apologize before she has a chance to say anything. That’s the plan? Ok, got it! The cream-colored mare thought to herself. She took in a breath to gather her courage and went around the side of the bench.

“Lyra, I’m really sorr—“ Bon Bon never finished her apology. In front of her was her marefriend, fast asleep in the cold winter air. She was curled up tight as could be; a light dusting of snow covered her body. Bon Bon looked over to see a small red cloth covering the gift she’d brought out with her.

“Oh, honey…” Bon Bon whispered to herself before carefully brushing off the snow from the sleeping unicorn’s body. Lyra was shivering in her sleep, no doubt on the verge of hypothermia having spent hours in the cold with nothing but a thin garment around her neck.

“Come on, let’s get you home,” Bon Bon whispered once more. She carefully moved her sleeping marefriend’s body past her neck and let the shivering unicorn gently rest on her back, instinctively huddling closer to the new-found warmth beneath her. Bon Bon looked over her back and smiled so hard she nearly cried again. Even with her mint-green marefriend being the heaviest sleeper in Equestria and shivering, she was still the most beautiful mare Bon Bon had ever seen.

Bon Bon looked over to the cloth-covered present and quietly blew away the light covering of snow before biting through the red fabric and taking the present in her mouth. With one more look over her back to make sure the sleeping Lyra was secure, she slowly took off back to their home.


This year Bon Bon would spend it with the one she loved.

<><><><><><><>

The door to the moderately-sized home squeaked open as the cream colored mare carefully stepped inside with her precious cargo. Bon Bon set the present down by the door and walked over to the fireplace that was still warm from before she left. She slowly slid Lyra off her back and set her down in front of the miniature inferno. With a satisfied smile, the earth pony took her jacket off and carelessly tossed it on the nearby couch.

Grabbing a blanket from their bedroom, Bon Bon draped it over her marefriend and cuddled up to her in front of the fire. She looked slightly over to her left and saw a peaceful expression on the unicorn’s face. Bon Bon rested her chin above Lyra’s mane and pulled herself closer, happy to be right where she always wanted to.

“I’m sorry, Lyra…” Bon Bon whispered before a quiet sniffle. She turned and rubbed her face into the green and white mane beneath her, feeling more tears beginning to form.

“I… forgive you,” the unicorn thought to be sleeping whispered back without opening her eyes. For a while neither of them moved, just happy to be with each other. Bon Bon pulled her marefriend closer as Lyra slowly reached her forelegs over the earth pony’s neck and pulled her into a lying down embrace.

The two mares smiled at each other, their eyes finally meeting as they sat curled up next to the fire. In their minds, they both silently forgave each other, and agreed to put this behind them.

“I’m sorry I went out there, Bon…” Lyra broke the silence and huddled even closer to her marefriend. “I shouldn’t be out chasing wild dreams that’ll never come true. I guess what I’m saying is… I don’t need dreams, I have you.”

“Oh, honey!” Bon Bon grinned widely before nearly crushing the unicorn in a loving embrace. She pulled back and gave a quick kiss before resting her head in her favorite spot; Lyra’s mane, while the mint-green pony rested her head on Bon Bon’s forelegs. A few minutes of silent bliss later, Bon Bon spoke up once more, her tone genuinely happy and curious. “So… what did you get ‘em this year?”

“I took some candies from your shop and stuffed the box to the top,” Lyra pulled away and blushed.

“I thought some were missing from the front showcase,” Bon Bon smirked before lightly poking her marefriend in the chest. “Come on, let’s open it up and split them,” She said while standing up and stretching. The cream mare walked over to the door and quickly returned with the present still covered in the red cloth. She set it down between them before settling back into a comfortable position.

“Well, go on, open it,” Bon Bon smiled. Lyra concentrated and used her magic to pull the fabric away from the precious container it protected. The cover pulled away and Lyra followed the path of the levitating object as she deposited it next to Bon Bon’s coat. Lyra looked back to the box for a few silent moments and blinked.

“Uh, Bon? This isn’t my box,” Lyra furrowed her brow in confusion.

“What do you mean it’s ‘not your box’?” Bon Bon asked with a raised eyebrow.

“I mean, the one I went out there with was red and had yellow ribbon… this one is green with red and white candy-striped ribbon… this isn’t mine,” Lyra tilted her head as she studied the object before them.

“Honey, look! There’s a note under the ribbon on this side,” Bon Bon finished with a point to the aforementioned area. Lyra quickly turned the box around and used her magic to slide the small piece of paper out from under the ribbon and brought it up to her face, she began to read it out loud.

”Dear Lyra, Sorry I wasn’t able to make it before. I hope you enjoy the present. Sincerely, S. “ Lyra finished reading the short note and her mouth slowly opened in shock. She let the paper fall to the carpet as her eyes went wide and her forelegs pulled the box closer. With shaking hooves, she pulled the ribbon off, and opened her gift.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

The end.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Comments ( 54 )

(No spoilers, you can read this beforehand if you so wish)

Funny story, I first saw this picture, got the idea for the fic, and wrote the ENTIRE thing in less than 24 hours.
I know many people don't like the whole "Lyra obsessed with humans" thing, but I tried to give her a little back story on it instead of having her just automatically be crazy, although I gladly made her relatively sane:scootangel:




So yeah, not too much to say reallydl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Celestia.png

Upvote if you liked it, and comments are always welcome:twilightsmile:
Favorite it if you want to, but I made this with no intention of a follow-up or a prequel. It is strictly a one-shot. But, you know... you can still favorite.. i-if you want to...:fluttershyouch:


Once more, I would like to finish by thanking my editor and my pre-reader for getting to this on such short notice. Seriously, you guys rock:yay:

1922016
Hnnnnnnnnnggg!!!! MY FEELS!
Aside from quite a few grammatical and spelling errors it was a cute story :raritywink:.

1925380
Gewd, gewd, let the feels ffffllllooowwwww through you:trollestia:

On a more serious note I realized I spelled "Heartstrings" wrong:twilightsheepish::twilightblush::facehoof: and a few other things. Anything that's glaringly obvious before I post this?

1926770
Go through it again with the intentions of finding grammatical errors, I did notice quite a few of those. Some areas had extra words, some lacked key words, and some just had the wrong word. :twilightsmile:
So go through it and read it out loud to yourself, that usually helps me find errors.

1926959
Alright, I'll get to it after I finish looking over a friend's work:moustache:

WHAT'S IN TEH BO-O-OX?!:raritydespair:

1928485
I was originally going to have it be [REDACTED] and a [REDACTED] but leaving people to wonder and speculate is just too much fun! :trollestia:

1928672
In all honesty though, I almost included it, but I don't know... something told me just not to//dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Celestia.png

1928684
Well, I do get the feeling that including the object now will ruin the ending.
Keep it a secret.
Or, at least until you reference it in another story.

D'awwww....

This was actually kinda touching... :fluttercry:

Awww, makes me think of that one Peanuts episode where the kid with the blankie stays in the pumpkin patch waiting for "the great pumpkin".

I really like this story cause its cute and it makes me think of the t-shirt my sister got me for Christmasimagethumbnails.milo.com/034/606/967/trimmed/34606365_33205967_trimmed.jpg ,

Also in the back of my brain heard the cutie mark cursaders (mostly Sweetie) singing carols as Bon-Bon carried Lyra back to the house through the crunching snow.
Unfortunatly I am a bit out of practice at ripping code from sources and makeing them work so the music will just have to be linked this way Ask the crusaders, Sweetie Belle

Wow I'm just bursting with how excited I am that I actually inspired a fanfic! :pinkiegasp:
Thanks for giving me credit! Now I'm off to read this story! A friend of mine thought it was pretty good so I'll give you my reaction when I'm done images.wikia.com/mlp/images/f/f8/Twilight_Sparkle_seen_reading_a_book_S3E9.png

1929306
You have a Fimfiction account too?:rainbowhuh:
Awwwwww yeah:rainbowkiss:

I actually decided to get one since I need to start reading some fanfic. Besides this way I might find the good stories easier! Because let's face it not everything that's good is super popular
Who know I might try some writing, probably derpy up all my grammar trying :derpytongue2:images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/30600000/derp-my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-30617970-741-417.png?1357706263850

1929373

let's face it not everything that's good is super popular

I know this all too well lol

It did remind me a lot of peanuts "the great pumpkin". Short but sweet, and very heart warming, haha get it! :unsuresweetie: (ya I'm weird ;P)
But the part with her present being replaced was a good touch. I think it was good to leave it at not knowing what's in the box, I still want to know! But it's better this way.
Overall I'm surprised how much of an idea you got from one noob's painting of Lyra. So take it away twilight!:twilightsmile: denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw2077-10838220-20101020am_I_trying_too_hard20approval20face20image20rating20reaction_face20response20sign20twilight_sparkle1.jpg

No really you should post this to Equestria daily. It may be past christmas, but it's still has a very simple enduring feel to it.

What do you mean again?

1929602
tl;dr they failed my other stories for BS reasons... but what the buck, why not//dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Celestia.png

Well at least they tell you whey you failed when you send in fanfic.
I don't even know why I've only gotten on 2 draw friends.
Besides if you make it on EQD think about all the page views!:rainbowkiss:

1929666
think about all the page views!
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think about all the page views!
cdn.derpiboo.ru/media/BAhbB1sHOgZmSSJmMjAxMy8wMS8wNy8xNV80Nl8wNl8zMTZfMjA1Mzg0X19VTk9QVF9fc2FmZV9mbHV0dGVyc2h5X2FuaW1hdGVkX2FydGlzdF9qZXBzb19saWNraW5nX2xpcHMuZ2lmLmdpZgY6BkVUWwg6BnA6D3Jlc2l6ZV9naWZJIgwyNTB4MjUwBjsGVA/205384__fluttershy_animated_suggestive_blushing_close-up_artist-jepso_licking-lips.gif.gif

Regardless of the time it's posted, it is a very nice story.

very good. liked it. thought my only thought is what was in that box.:applejackunsure:

You make wonderful romance-genre oneshots. You know that, right. :pinkiesmile::fluttercry::heart:
This story needs more likes, hopefully your more recent featured story will lead to this getting more views.

You've fulfilled the quota of making two stories I've really enjoyed.
You are hereby granted one new follower :pinkiehappy:

I just finished it. You did some really solid work with this one. I think it a shame that you have written so many excellent stories, but they just don't attract much attention. I am on a time crunch at the moment, so this won't be as long or as deep as my review of To Love A Goddess.

Before I say anything else, decide on a name for the blue unicorn. Call her either Minuette or Colgate and stick with it. Not everypony is aware that she can go by more than one name, and Colgate is the more popular option.


Now, the pacing is, as I expected, fabulous. I've come to expect that from you. Each and every scene takes the perfect amount of time and reads either as quickly or as slowly as it ought to. I won't drag with this, because it would be redundant.

The characterization was handled quite nicely. You do have a good amount of leeway here, considering that none of these characters have canon personalities. I've never personally understood or really liked how Lyra was supposedly obsessed with humans. Well, you managed to make me care about a voiceless, pastel green, cartoon horse, so I guess you did something right. You explained where the obsession came from, as well as showed its effects on her personal life. You managed to turn a fandom running gag and make into something that actually wielded emotional torque. Even more impressive is that you remembered to show how Lyra's neurosis affects those around her, particularly those she cares most deeply about. You did convey a feeling that there is genuine affection and conflict between Lyra and Bon Bon. Lyra has her obsession to overcome, which alienates her from others and actively hurts her career, in addition to almost killing her. Bon Bon deeply cares about Lyra, but is not sure how to handle her. You very effectively conveyed how they feel, which made me feel genuine pity for Lyra, as well as real suspense while Bon Bon was searching for her. Considering that most fanfic makes me either go meh, or wish to drink myself stupid, this is quite an achievement.

The cast was kept down to the bare minimum, which kept the story tightly focused on the main character. I have absolutely zero complaints here.

You did have some issues with spelling and grammar. They were few and minor. Your syntax and diction are otherwise quite good. I never found myself wondering what you were trying to say, or facepalming at awkward verbiage.

The ending deserves special mention, considering that it really is quite a twist. I certainly did not expect that to happen. You even through in a really trollish cliffhanger. However, it is not clear as to what really happened, because there was a significant amount of time where Lyra was alone and unconscious.

Again, I do need to praise how your stories are first and foremost, about the characters. You don't rely on any sort of gimmicks like fanservice, clop, or pandering to sell the story. That's admirable!

I do with that I could find definite things to complain about, because then I could offer you advice for improvement instead of giving you the literary equivalent of a blowjob. I've now read two of your stories and I think that they're both very well done. Objectively, I can hardly find anything wrong with them. The pacing is impeccable, the characterizations are brilliant, the syntax is superb, the formatting is good, and the mechanics are decent. I ought to be able to call all your work great. But that's just it; your work is exceptional, but it's not great. I would say that it is very enjoyable and engaging to read, but I would not call it memorable. There aren't any parts that really stick out and leave an impression on one's memory. In three months' time, I can envision myself remembering you as the guy with the the really good romance oneshot fanfics, but I most likely will not be feeling the desire to come back so I can read them again. I got through To Love A Goddess a mere six hours ago, but my brain is already filing it away as "nice but insignificant". In contrast to this, I first read Older Mares back in September, which was about four months ago. I still remember it and go back to read it. It made an impression on me. So did Secret Of My Excess, which was actually the first pony fanfic I ever read. I read it in August. Most of the things that The Descendant has written have stuck in my memory. I still go back to his stories such as On Pins And Needles. I have pretty good memory of those fics and they have stuck with me. I'll need to look at more of your stuff before I can determine exactly what about it makes it only good but not great.

Nevertheless, this is still a damn fine oneshot. Even though Lyra X Bon Bon ain't really on my shipping radar, and I'm merely ambivalent about them, I still like what you did here. I judge oneshots more harshly than I do series. Your writing is objectively very good, and is quite enjoyable to read. However, I can't help but feel that in both this story, and in To Love A goddess, that there is just something missing that keeps them from attaining greatness. They're like sugar- sweet and nice, but they don't stick with you or impart any lasting impact. I will read and review more of your work so that I can try to diagnose what is holding your stories back. Could you please tell me what you consider to be your best work and what your readership considers to be your best work so I could have a look at them? I give this story 4/5 flutteryays.
:yay::yay::yay::yay:

2055062
What *I* consider my best work...
Erm...
I'd honestly say either this or To Love a Goddess.

My readership clearly shows To Love a Goddess to me the most popular:rainbowlaugh:

My others require quite a bit of attention...:trixieshiftleft:

2055300

I see... Well, now would be the time to pimp your stuff because a lot of people are looking at you.

2056374
Yeah, if I knew how much of a success TLaG would have been, I'd have buffed them up a bit. I never expected all of that attention:twilightblush:

2057014
Is it odd that this is the first LyraBon-centered fic I've ever read? :unsuresweetie:
I've read fics which featured the pairing but never one which was centered exclusively on LB before reading this one.

Not to mention, for some odd reason, I :heart: this just as much as TLaG

2098829
Thank you, it means a lot:raritywink:
And I'm glad you enjoyed my LyraxBon ship.
To be 100% honest, I've never read one before when I made this.

Was the reason you didint put a what's in the box part in because there was another box inside?

1922016
Taken me a while to get round to actually reading this one, but it was definitely worth it. I'm not a fan of Lyra being pure crazy, and this gives her a sense of just being a little odd, rather than actually crazy. :twilightsmile:

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Damn LOL.

Nice story too, Brony2893. Sad there had to be a chilling cliffhanger. But still nice. :twilightsmile:

2265746 glad u liked my stupid box picture:scootangel: and this was an awesome story:pinkiehappy:

You....You.... I love you dude.
I officially ship Lyra and Bon Bon, Thanks to you.
You always make the best fics! :pinkiehappy:

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I will not stop complementing you.
YOU ARE AMAZING!!!

SANTA ALWAYS FUCKING DELIVERS

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:rainbowderp:
Somebody actually commented on this old relic?

Lyra, Bon Bon, Romance… The last Lyra fic I read DID wind up on my favorites, but I’ve never been a fan, especially of the human-love aspect. Let’s see where this goes, though.



… “It’s soft glow illuminated” – ‘It’s’ should be ‘Its’.
… “tradition the mint-green unicorn did” – ‘did’ doesn’t sound right, calling what she’s doing a ‘tradition’… consider ‘performed’ as a replacement for ‘did’.
… “away. It didn’t matter though” – Place a comma between ‘matter’ and ‘though’.
… “the list goes on” – Given how the sentence used past-tense words such as ‘was’, ‘goes’ should be ‘went’.
… “Colgate happily remarked.” – Weren’t you calling her Minuette?
… “spend my first Hearth Warming” – ‘Hearth’ should be ‘Hearth’s’.
… “I planned on tonight being special, not boring and annoyed by Lyra’s antics.” – This went from describing the night itself, to describing how Bon Bon believes she’d be spending the night. Consider a revision to keep the statement focused on only one subject.
… “streaks leading how her face” – ‘how’ should be ‘down’.
… “I didn’t mean—“” – The end-quotation mark is backwards. :applejackconfused:
… ““Lyra, I’m really sorr—“” – See above.
… “the new-found warmth” – ‘new-found’ should lose the hyphen, as ‘newfound’ is a word.
… “smiled so hard she nearly cried again” – Okay there’s no error here, but… ‘smiled so hard’? Really? :unsuresweetie:
… “This year Bon Bon would spend it with the one she loved.” – ‘it’ should be ‘Hearth’s Warming Day’, since it hadn’t been established nearly as much in the last several paragraphs to make ‘it’ a reasonable substitution.
… “(unable to quote)” – Bon Bon never CLOSED the door to her home. :twilightsheepish:
… “be right where she always wanted to.” – Place ‘be’ between ‘to’ and the period.
… “into a lying down embrace.” – Place a hyphen between ‘lying’ and ‘down’.
… “Sincerely, S. “” – One of the last moments… but remove the space between the period and the quotation mark.



Okay, this one had a lot of things that impressed me. One was the personality that belonged to both Lyra, and Bon Bon. They didn’t seem one-note in how you chose to handle them, which really carried the story, because THEY carried it so well. Lyra had a dream for several years, and it’s too strong to simply give it up for someone else when you hold onto it for so long. Many authors don’t seem to get this, but you played it splendidly by having Lyra neither give up on the dream, nor become totally focused.

A wonderful display of regret, combined with being chained to one’s undying wish. This leads to Bon Bon, and while I really liked her, she seemed like her tone was rather differing, especially with her “final goodbye of acceptance” to Minuette being described as ‘flat’. I would’ve expected it to have more of a tone of bemusement to it: Like “You’re hopeless, you know that? Goodbye, anyway.” Being what it comes across as what Bon Bon would be saying.

Character of Lyra? Stellar. Character of Bon Bon seemed like it lacked a certain something… like it could have been several different mares and felt sort of similar. Bon Bon was described as being very warm and inviting, but… I don’t know if I’d think that, by the end of this story. I mean, the pony talks so venomously about her marefriend (Who likely works at the store as a favor) behind her back! Seriously, I kinda wanted to smack Bon Bon for her role.

Leads us to the way it played out. The ending was a nice touch, and as I once heard, “SO ‘Pulp Fiction’”. That said, I prefer stories that stick to just one focus, and by the very end? Lyra seemed to forget all about the presence of Bon Bon. Yeah, I commented earlier on her obsession having a role, but she just had her life kinda SAVED by her marefriend, and speaking of Bon Bon, why not express a bit more enthusiasm and sidle up next to Lyra while she was opening it?

The story… It was fantastic, but some parts of it left a significantly bad aftertaste. I loved how it was handled, but some personality factors seemed to just be tossed away by the end of it. :ajsleepy: A shame, because I think this deserves a lot more views than it has. Well done, but it felt sort of… I dunno. I guess this review just ends on a bit of a sour note. :applejackunsure:

Little too much exposition (moving in together mentioned three times, coat colour explicitly mentioned twice for no reason other than to emphasize it's not red, etc.). Not bad but far from great. :duck:

I wonder who is that someone who would show up in her dreams....

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