She would be fine of course. After all, not only was she an Element of Harmony, but she was also Twilight Sparkle. The underling and favored student of one of the most powerful ponies in Equestria. Even if she did have some difficulties now with her "half life", Sweetie couldn't question her judgement. Twilight knew exactly what she was doing.
Besides, it wasn't like Sweetie, someone who had barely touched the "GCD", stood a ghost of a chance against those things.
Sweetie gave the aged mare a smile, a nod, and stepped to the side to allow Twilight to get to the door.
There was a pause as she stared at the door. As though she were having second thuoghts for a split second. Instead, she spoke. "Sweetie?"
"Huh?" Sweetie asked.
"I... know this goes without saying, but I need you to do me a favor."
"What is it?"
"Don't leave this room." She said tilting her head back. "I don't know what's keeping this room powered, but so long as it's running, it's the only safe place in this entire mansion. And... since I know you-"
"You don't want me to leave?" Sweetie finished.
Twilight nodded. "Don't try to be a hero if something goes wrong. Whatever you hear outside, whatever you think you hear, don't open the door under any circumstances. Otherwise, I can't... I can't say you'll be safe."
"I get it." Sweetie nodded. "Don't open the door for strangers and stay put."
"Good."
"I hope you find them Twilight." Sweetie gave some last words of encouragement. "And..."
"Don't worry. I'll bring your sister back here in a jiff." She said, before leaving opening the door and leaving. It shut with an echoed metallic sound. Sweetie sighed as the sound of her hoof steps faded into nothing. Eventually, all she could hear was the sound of the humming walls.
"I'll find your sister"
"Please... Please do." Sweetie mumbled as she closed her eyes. She didn't realize how tired she was until she tried lying on the floor and found her eyes driffting off to sleep.
***
"Huh?" Sweetie woke up. "Mmm... how long was I asleep...? Was that all a-" (dream?)
As Sweetie's senses woke up a minute behind her, she realized she was still listening to that familiar hum. She wasn't dreaming. This nightmare was very real. She let out another sigh before looking over at the exit Twilight had left about...
How long has Twilight been gone?
Without a window, porthole, or clock to name in the room, time was foreign to her. Though considering how her body felt, it was safe to assume she had been asleep for at least an hour. Sweetie stretched her legs, and started walking around the room she now called her "safe room". Out of boredom, she felt like examining the mirrors.
They held a strange aura to them. Was this magical energy Twilight had mentioned? No, these mirrors were peculiar, and certainly had magical energy coming out of them, but that wasn't what she was feeling. It felt like she was staring off the edge of a cliff into an infinite abyss rather than staring at her reflection.
Sweetie looked at the multiple mirror frames in the room as well. Like she noted earlier, each one had it's own distinct design. There was the one with the fountain, then there was another mirror's frame that held nothing but smaller, color tinted mirrors as it's frame, and then there was one that had a design that resembled the branches of leaves-
"AAAaahhhHHHHHHaaaHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Sweetie screamed herself and jumped back as the mirror she was looking in at the moment screamed at her, before exploding into tiny pieces. If Sweetie hadn't ducked as she hit the ground, the pieces of glass would have cut her into little tiny pieces.
"Heeheeheehaaahaaahaaw"
There was laughter. It didn't last long, but she knew she heard laughter for a few seconds. She heard it from the mirror first as it echoed throughout the room before suddenly stopping. Sweetie's heart rapidly beat in her chest for five minutes before she dared to look up at the destruction. The mirror was nothing but frame and shards now.
"What... happened?" Sweetie asked.
Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
There was just the hum. That was her only answer. Sweetie sobbed. "Please Twi... come back soon..."
Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Sweetie's nerves were deteriorating by the non-existent seconds as she remained in the room.
Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
That broken mirror. That laugh. It broke something in Sweetie as well. The hum was becoming overbearing now. She had to do something to keep her mind off of what just happened. Something to keep her mind off of the hum. She shuffled into her saddlebags to get her ball. she stared at it for a moment before looking up at a wall without a mirror. She began throwing it against the wall.
One hit.
Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Five hits.
Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Ten hits.
Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm-
This is worse. This is worse.
She hoped that something besides the maddening hum that was echoing on the inside of her skull would help. But no, it made it worse. The thuds against the wall weren't helping her. They were just adding to the echos.
What's happening?
This room was doing something to her.
Fifteen hits.
Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm-
She had to leave the room.
How long had she really been here?
Twenty hits.
Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm-
She would die if she left.
Twilight told her to stay.
Twilight doesn't matter.
Twilight's not coming back.
Twilight's dead.
Twilight's dead.
Twilight's dead.
Twenty-five hits.
Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm-
It's been a long time. It's been a really long time. It's been hours. It's been days. It's been years. Decades. Time doen't exist anymore. The world doesn't exist anymore.
She had to gain control of herself. Why won't it shut up. She would be fine if she had just a little silence. Why won't it shut up? Why won't it-
Twenty-seven hits.
Hu-
"SHUT UP!" Sweetie threw the ball against the wall harder than she thought she had the strength to. She hit it so hard she heard something she hadn't heard before. A click in the wall behind the hum, followed by it's silence.
"Eh... eh heh..." for a split moment, the sudden silence felt amazing. As if a great burden had just been lifted off of her, the thoughts that were blasting through her head, the panic, the fear was gone. But then something came to her. The humming did stop. What exactly did that mean?
"... property that kept ghosts out, as long as it's humming"
As long as it was humming.
Before Sweetie could realize what this meant, the lights above, one by one, began flickering off. Sweetie just watched as they turned off, her mouth slightly agape.
"Oh."
Eventually all of them were off, and Sweetie was trapped in the same blackness she experienced in the forest. She considered getting her own flashlight, but she didn't see any purpose. She didn't even try to make it to the exit to escape the impending danger.
What was the point, when she heard all of the laughs surrounding the room?
Remember. If you notice anything off in these updates (in relation to the reboots that is) let me know loves .
I am absolutely uninterested in this choice crap or "bad ends."
3300355
A little harsh said, but I agree with you. The choices only pull you out of the story, that destrois the motivationto read.
The story is still one of my absolute favorites, but I don't like the new way it goes.
3300374 Oh yeah. That did come off as angry. Whoops.
NO!!! I don't want Twilight dead!! New game!! NEW GAME!!!!
3300355 I promise (or at least promise to try and make it so) they won't all be so dark, however as I mentioned earlier, not only are they elements to keep me from getting bored by drab editing, but it also is to supply information that wouldn't be explained to the fullest if Sweetie progressed normally.
To explain for example (and I'll just put a spoiler tag if it doesn't work naturally or it does end up being a spoiler)
When Sweetie goes to fight Applejack, there is a mirror in there. Now assume in the bad end, Twilight went to go fight Applejack after finding the trail of ectoplasm. Now before that, recall what Twilight said about Applejack and Fluttershy being caught in the Foyer (if I didn't, brb, editing). They had their spirits taken out there. It'll more or less a fact that when someone is killed in front of a mirror, something happens causing the thing to break. Something that I'll later explain... but not only does the bad end begin to portray that fact, and help it become more fluid, but it also makes a "for example" of the fact that would normally kill Sweetie.
Also a reminder that she lives throughout the decision. An emphasis she survives on what she decides.
Also bad ends help me remember I still can somewhat write.
3300410 Though... tell you what. I'll make it so you don't even have to make decisions. Unless it's absolutely hated by everyone, I won't stop the CYOA thing, HOWEVER I will mark the right choices from this point on with a Green circle. That way you can continue on with the story (at least the reboots, and if you want to go on, that goes without saying) without me wasting your time with my sh*tty CYOA hard on.
That sound fair all?
Dude, what the fuck are you even DOING with this?
Did you just get bored with it and go LOL I'LL JUST LINK TO EARLIER CHAPTERS?
3300478 ._.
BAD END #2: Broken Sanity
I REALLY hope this means regular updates and finally finishing this fic. I SOOO want to see where this goes.
3301003 the name IS
luigi'sSweetie's Mansion, and it has a crossover tag. what else could it be at this point?While I love this story, the 'CHOICE' chapters don't seem to have much focus beyond repeatedly killing Sweetie in different ways. I'd much rather see the new chapters you've worked on, and maybe have these posted in a separate story, like a 'deleted scenes' type thing.
3301003 Luigi's Mansion is a popular crossover? ._. And here I thought I was doing something cool. Oh well
Rarity's Suns-
Oh shit.
You know what? Just because you said that... just because you said that.
3301523 That's kind of their point bucko. Deleted scenes to put together little bits of information. I've made it so you'll always be able to not even go through these scenes if you want. Think of them as little "what ifs" to break from the "Sweetie always finds a way out" and going along with a "...you know she can die, right?" approach.
3301990
It's more to the point that if they're deleted scenes, they go in their own place, like with deleted scenes in a video. They go in their own special directory, not with the rest of the story.
I'm not saying they're bad, just that they feel severely out of place in this story, as it's not being shown, so far, as an actual video game; if that's supposed to be the plot twist at the end, then you've played the card way too early. Either way, presenting it as a choose-your-own-adventure 'Bad End' page makes little to no sense in the narrative as it stands, unless you're going to specifically write in that she's redoing the whole thing over and over again in a video game without remembering her past attempts.
If so, this tumbles out of the Luigi's Mansion setting even further than it already has, and would be content as its own work, with no real crossover bits other than references to LM. After all, the only real similarities left, (not counting re-worked chapters) are that she's vacuuming up ghosts, trapped in a mansion to save someone(s), and scared sh*tless of what's going on, while a genius tries to help her with zany gadgets.
It's closer to a Near Homage than an actual crossover. You haven't even referenced the Boo ghosts, who aren't even ghosts but actual living creatures composed mostly of ectoplasm the way humans are made largely of water and proteins. The ghosts here are vastly more vicious than the ones in LM, who were mostly just Affably Evil at best and nothing but Bowser's pawns at worst, and most of them weren't very malevolent anyways.
I'm just making these overall story observations in an attempt to help you improve. You seem to be caught between 'it's a crossover' and 'it's its own story'.
3301964
I liked this story so far (read up to choose path #3)
anyway I also wrote a LM Story (takes place after LM2)
here's the link
I just read this beast in 8.5 hours....i need both the continuation of this, and much more importantly sleep as it is now past 5 AM and my eyes are starting to do funny things
I have immensely enjoyed this however and I have been fighting the urge to just go downstairs and pop the relevant game into my wii and play the whole time so thumbs up and moustaches!
3303353 ...you know what? No, it's not supposed to be /entirely/ italicized, but if it is, that was something I THOUGHT I fixed, but I'll get around to it once I reach it in the reboots.
3302730
I'm sorry, I have to respond to this.
I disagree to an extent because of the fact that there are sensible if you pay attention, or allow the story to progress. I... if I have to repost it, I will, but I already posted a comment explaining how they're not only useful to explain segments of the story, but necessary as well unless I did rewrite the story. Like, some of these things either result in Sweetie's journey coming to an end or her dying.
...wat. I mean, that's what a crossover is. It sounds like what you're asking me to do is rewrite the Luigi's Mansion plot with ponies, which is not only not my intention, but I cringe at the idea of so heavily relying on someone else's work as a writer. Heck, I'm already pushing it because that's what fanfiction is, but... do you see where I'm coming from?
And besides, if anything what you just described is basically the Luigi's Mansion plot. I can't see how, besides it's being darker, that this is on the thinnest of threads of correlation. If anything, it's got all of the elements of LM, plus whatever story elements I added to it so it wouldn't end up being the same damn plot.
Okay, first off, no. No you haven't done your daily dose of reading, because I do, later in the story mention the Boos. Not by name, but I mention them, and if you look in the comments, others do as well. They hold something to the story, but they're not the main point. They aren't the main enemy and who says they have to?
Oh wait. LUIGI'S MANSION.
Which brings me back to the idea it sounds like you're asking me to basically throw away all potential creativity and say "Oh, so Bowser and King Boo got transported to Equestria because diks hur dur hur-". And maybe I myself am running a bit forgetful on the Luigi's Mansion plot, but Bowser wasn't an actual boss. Rather, actual Bowser, but rather King Boo in a Bowser suit. I forget for sure, so don't hold that to me.
The only thing I can agree with you is on the idea that the ghosts here are more insane than funny. Something that IF YOU LET ME, the CYOA will hopefully remedy.
...maybe.
*coughs*
...eh, sorry if that rant sounded a little angry, but that's my thoughts. Crossover doesn't necessarily mean it's just another plot acted out by ponies with slight differences. As long as there's ties from one universe to the next, it's a crossover. That's all I'm saying.
3304732
But if she's dying, then how is she coming back to life? That's not being explained, unless you're going to cry 'it's from an alternate timeline, KAY'.
Which would work, just to say. As it is, these are moments from way earlier in the story happening right at the end (because you haven't moved them to where they happen chronologically) and as such seem out of place. As for using them to explain segments of the story... why not just explain them better? I've found myself re-writing whole segments just because I failed to explain properly, it's not the end of the world. (If it does turn out to be the cause of the end of the world, I apologize profusely)
I'm saying you're only taking a few elements of the game's story from it. Not to mention that you went way far out of your way to pretty quickly distance yourself from the game. You could've gone in very different directions, but vacuuming ghosts could be a Ghost Busters parody. Especially since that was, actually, the original intent of LM. And with the more sinister nature of the ghosts in the story, that actually fits far better than LM.
You're drifting more from one story and into another, is what I'm saying. I'm not good at expository dialogue, which is usually why I ask for help writing it.
Oh, I totally missed that.
Y'know, because it's been more than a year since the last update before the CHOICE chapters.
And I kinda read other stories. Like, a lot of them.
Also, my gripe is that most people declare them ghosts and nothing more, but they aren't. They are still living beings, they simply have a small set of abilities that makes them seem like ghosts. Including being compressible.
Okay, stop there. No, I would not support that. That would would be a Welded Universe, not a crossover. But from what's been happening so far, it appears to be a far more over-arching story than, 'it's a very-much trapped mansion'. The reason Peach was never captured in the game was because the mansion was a trap for the heroes. Not for Bowser's Stockholm Sweetie. I may be making lots of references to Mario characters, but that's because I have nothing else to tag reference to.
I think it was a 'ghost' with Bowser inside, which turned out to be King Boo in a Bowser suit, or something equally ridiculous. It's been ages since I played it either.
Yeah. The only parts of LM that were ever 'scary' were the early jump scares. And E. Gadd's laugh.
It's alright. I'm doing a 'Crossover' with a merged universe between Dead Space and Ponies, the result of which is explained in the story as having negated the first game, along with changing the course of pony history. To the point where Nightmare Moon rose and then calmed, rather than being banished. And then humanity found them, 1000 years later, as pony kind teetered on the edge of extinction, and joined with them. The story is closer to DS2 than 1, but has Necros from all three games and a few pony-specific ones.
My problems, as listed, are that you're gone Darker and Edgier in a story that didn't need it so much. LM was more about the mind screw and Fridge Horror anyways. Like with the hearts. Seriously, your explanation of healing candy makes it so much less terrifying in the story than the fact that Luigi basically Black Magic and devours their hearts to gain power. Oh, wait, he might be half Celtic, that would explain it. No less creepy, though. Either way though, it feels like you're trading Mind Games for Darker Setting, which I'm not sure works in this setting.
I'm not going to leave, because I think the story is pretty good, I just feel it's not much of a LM story. Again, feels more like Ghost Busters, what with actual potential End of the World stuff going on. Because seriously, whoever's got the reins on this has Celestia and Luna, the rulers of Night and Day at their disposal. It's Astronomically likely.
...
Sorry for the pun.
3309703
I'm still missing on how you mean they're out of place. If Sweetie makes a decision, something happens. If you're referring to the chapter layout, that's what the [Continue] option is for. In other words, (and if I must, I'll note so in the description) the chapters as far as the front is concerned, until I figure out how to re-arange the things, isn't happening. Otherwise, I still don't see how they're out of place. And that's what the whole point of this is to explain things better. The REBOOTS explain what's already there. However there are some things that require either Sweetie to die or someone else to die in order for them to be explained. Again, what happened in the second bad end couldn't have been explained if Sweetie didn't die. There's very few persons in the mansion after all where I can give a "this would happen if you die, for example". Otherwise, a lot of the explanations wouldn't make sense. Like for example, ever wonder why Sweetie never took pictures of the ghosts? This is something that must either be explained by Specter (who, by the way, would have absolutely no reason to come up and warn Sweetie... and when he might, Sweetie would have already caught half of the Elements), Spiffy (who's busy doing stuff while possessing), Twilight (who wouldn't know enough by the time Sweetie had had a bunch of ghosts to take pictures of)... do you see what I mean? The most efficient and sensible way is if a scenario where Sweetie dies is present (and you'll see how in the next chapter)
The few elements I did take from it were Sweetie's Mansion esque. Sure it could have been a Ghost Buster's parody, but Luigi's Mansion IS a ghost busting parody already. So what makes this a play off of Luigi's Mansion specifically?
-Lost sibling inside of a strange mansion
-Gadgets
*GCD == Poltergeist 2000
*Camera == Gameboy Horror
*Portificationer ==... well you know
-Owner of Mansion
-Said Mansion having more or less a mind of it's own
-Surreal Mansion Characteristics
-The Mansion being a Trap
-Portrait Ghosts having specific characteristics
The list goes on. I'm willing to bet my bottom dollar that if this wasn't said to be right off the bat a Crossover, some observant people would at least say "Hey this reminds me of that one gamecube game, what was it... oh yeah! Luigi's Mansion!"
The plot and mood might be to a degree it's own animal, but the fact remains it's still got too many ties to that storyline to not be considered to some degree an LM crossover. Think about it.
You're right in the fact that the plot is (and I'm not trying to rub my own d*k over this or anything) much grander than the 3 hour gameplay and story line of LM. Consider how boring that would be to read. Consider how little material one would have to work with from such a short game, no, any game in general without it being as short as maybe 300 words.
The story is an evolution of the LM plot in a sense. And if you want to be technical, this IS a trap for heroes. If you can remember, this mansion's purpose was to trap the Elements of Harmony and the princesses for some purpose. Heck, to be honest, at least this has a purpose rather than just saying
A: "I want to trap Mario."
B: "Why?"
A: "Because I'm eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil!"
Just saying that that'd fit under the catagory of "Alternate Universe" oppose to "Crossover"
Just sayin'
lh6.googleusercontent.com/-te1mmta9-b8/AAAAAAAAAAI/AAAAAAAAAAA/TdPXkuRoj0w/s600-c-k/photo.jpg
A lot of what I try to do between my writing is trying to translate game logic into story logic. There's gotta be a reason for a lot of stuff otherwise it'll feel unexplained. Like I want as much to be explained (with the exception of a few unexplained things to leave a degree of creepy factor). Be honest, if Sweetie were in the same shoes of Luigi, she'd be fairly mentally scared by the end of this. I want to take it further and make her more or less transform by the end of the story, rather than remain too static or a character.
Though I will admit something, I never wanted the story to be so dark. Which is again, something I'm hoping to fix with the CYOA. Just give me a minute to see if I can.
Either way, I do appreciate your concerns, and do hope you don't hate the story too much for it's darkness. Hoping to try to please all sides as far as my writing goes, including myself.
Oh my goodness, I've never seen such a long string of long comments from a relatively short chapter.
3310384
Drag the chapters into place. It's been a feature for nearly a year now.
Bulletpoint one: accepted.
Bulletpoint two: Eh, alright, I can live with that.
Well, it's more of 'because he's the only person who's successfully stood up to my crushing dictatorial regime. Also, he beat me a Go-Kart race last week.'
I listed it as both, and the moderators agreed. So, yes.
Well, whether that was your intent or not, it's gone into some pretty deep territory. Luigi just fainted and got dragged back to the lab (because reasons? Maybe the Boos wanted their king overthrown. Viva la Revolucion!)
And again, I'm not going to run away. I just feel the CYOA restarts are breaks from the story, and makes it feel like a video game, which cheapens the deaths that do happen in my eyes. After all, they could just restart. As well, Sweetie can't be learning from these, unless it's the result of a Groundhog's Day time-loop, and she's restarting tot he beginning of her adventure each time, but then she's going to be even more traumatized form all the times she's died.
So, yeah... the CYOA chapters don't actually add anything to the story that much, much shorter batches of exposition could cover just as easily.
'but what Sweetie didn't know was that if she took a picture of this ghost, it could be used as spectral fuel for the InsertInventionName' or whatever.
So, yeah, that's my complaint rephrased.
I wish I could actually talk this, face to face, so that I can articulate better, but my internet is canceled as of noon tomorrow, so no more Skype for me for a while.
3310384 I, for one, like these little "death" chapters.