- Member Since 6th Jan, 2013
- offline last seen Jan 30th, 2014
Grape-drink
There shouldn't be nine teddy bears
Grape-drink
Joined 6th Jan, 2013 ·
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Excellent my good sir, excellent.
Just great!!!
he put it best in chapter one fucking awesome!
A good story, but i won't favorite it because of the male sodomy. I will vote up though.
By the way, there is a group for anhro storoes. It ia called Anthropomorphics. You should add your story.
Dayum. I want a cinnamon bun like that god damnit.
very good! Luna sequel? :3
1914067
<-she approves.
I have an idea for a Luna CF. it is seperate from this one. It'll involve a lot more kinky stuff.
Excellent.
1913540
I'm sorry, what?
1914732
Kinky Luna eh? SOunds interesting...continue on! ¦3
Man from reading this Celestia got me damned excited.
1915039 "he said the best thing in the first chapter, fuckin awesome" I think this is that he wanted to say. It´s spanish
1917054
I doubt that.
1918055
I'm not too sure you can demand text on a screen to 'shut up.'
If this is too much on your innocence, then avert your gaze
1918131
but... I'm allergic to cinnamon
1920453
EAT IT ANYWAY
The dance with no pants
1918342
I win
Must not think about celestia.
Dammit to late
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkk
..... What the fuck did i just read?
1932289
Seriously? Did you not see the 'Mature' and 'Sex' Tag?
You should've known what you were getting into.
Well that was interesting...kinda weirded out by the sodomy but rest was good!
Just out of curiosity, what will happen if now, Luna and Celestia end up pregnant?
1942772
Probably babies hat look like anthro ponies.
1943168
Did you are considering making a sequel with that happening? Perhaps, with they consider the possibility of sharing and marring him?
P.S: Did both princesses are actually in love with him or just, try to make him comfortable, and take care of their condition at the same time?
1947405
I actually do not plan to make a sequel to this story, sorry.
But I plan on making a separate fic involving Luna.
And to answer your question(s).
)
I believe the Princesses view the human as a very good friend (The cursed friend-zone!
And with the human being the last one, and not being able to do anything about it,
They try to make sure his stay is as enjoyable as possible, til the end of the human's days.
And yes, The princesses did notice the human's "Condition." coincidentally they happened to be lonely as well.
Life gives you lemons, you make lemonade
1947591
doesn't that make them fuck bodies? and thus, kind of break the so infamous, friend zone curse?
Ah and is great news, about that Luna fic, it will involve a human too?
1947659
I guess you could say that they are 'Fuck buddies'
And yes. The Luna-fic will involve a Human.
but it won't be 2nd person
1947707
Oh thats is great, I don't too found in the second person fic, in my opinion its tend to become confusing
Ah, and just a suggestion, please don't put sodomi in that, I don't know others but I'm not fan of that act, I kind of skipped, when I reach that part on the story, but other than that it was a good story, again just a suggestion…kind of request, is your fic and you can do whatever you want.
P.S: Does it count, if it is a man to a woman? yea its nothing to do with the story, I just curious, thanks for listening.
1947720
What do you mean by, "Man to Woman?"
1947771
Well i heard the sodomi is putting something in a man anus, I was wondering if it has the same name if a man put something in a woman anus, that's all
1947790
Sodomy is sex in the mouth or butt. (Blowjob, Anal etc.)
It doesn't specify if it's either man's or woman's mouth or butt
1948052
Thanks, then I will have to specify what I meant, in my request/suggestion, so you don't get confusion, please don't put something (horn, stick, etc.) in a man's butt, again only a suggestion and a request is your story and you can whatever you want
1948073
The reality is, if somebody's got something, you can guarantee they're gonna use it
… “mention alive. Just barley.” – I think you meant ‘barely’.
… “your room, it's ticking” – you meant to use “its”, since “it is ticking” makes no sense, but I posted this for a different reason, see two errors below.
… “and Celestia in one” – You double-spaced the area between “and”, and “Celestia”.
… “Both say its sweet” – This was meant to be “it’s”, making it “both say it is sweet”. I pointed this out because it’s in the same paragraph as the two above, making them easy to clean up all at once.
… “Tasty, you're unsure about” – Again, double-spaced, this time between “you’re” and “unsure”.
… “You're thoughts on the” – “Your” is the proper way to type the word at the start of that sentence.
… “at the loud thud of you doors.” … Erm… Okay, it seems obvious, but I’ll point it out anyway: ‘you’ should be ‘the’, or perhaps another word might be able to be used in the phrase… but ‘you doors’ was just strange.
… “You grant it's wish” – ‘its wish’.
Well, those are chapter corrections… but that is little more than an introduction, much like this chapter to the rest of the story. What can I say, really? Second-person narrative is not a style I can utilize, so I envy your still. The descriptions were well-made, with no redundancy in their presence. An admirable trait of your skills as a writer, to say the least.
In terms of the story itself, I will continue reading, to see what comes next. Oh, expect more from me, because I am sure expecting the best, worst, and all that lies in between.
... “fire place in your room. You have no need for the fireplace until its winter” – Two errors here: First, you put a space between the first “fire” and “place”, yet kept it as the single word, the second time. Secondly, ‘its winter’ should be ‘it’s winter’.
… “out of fire wood which” – ‘fire wood’ is meant to just be one word.
… “as its convenient.” – ‘it’s’ instead of ‘its’.
... Well, that’s all I found. Heh… Nice work with this chapter, actually. Short but sweet, not a problem for my tastes in chapters, personally! I couldn’t really analyze much of your writing style, which is a shame, but hey, that’s why there are other chapters.
1973140
You and I should brace ourselves for chapter 6.
And I appreciate the corrections
... “part of stallion's life if” – ‘part of a stallion’s life’ would probably be more grammatically correct… the ‘a’ is all that’s needed, unless that was intentional.
… “such a warn and welcoming” – Just a typo: ‘warn’ should be ‘warm’.
I certainly like where this is going, and I must compliment you on your portrayal of Luna. It seemed accurate, but endearing (which she seldom comes across as in the series). A nice combination for her role.
... “you mutter to your self.” – This should be ‘yourself’… Come to think of it, the same was also present in the previous chapter… huh… I never pointed that one out, but it was right near the end of it.
… “to get half way up” – ‘half way’ should be ‘halfway’.
… “if its for some” – ‘its’ should be ‘it’s’.
… “last saw it.You sit on” – ‘it.’ And ‘You’ need a space between them.
… “You legs cannot take any” – ‘Your’ instead of ‘You’.
Your portrayal of the struggle to get up the tower is unusually entertaining, yet believable. From physical struggle to inner monologue, it’s a logical process all the way through, and I must say, is certainly a solid chapter in terms of what it’s meant for: The struggle.
... “While your not in any” – ‘you’re’ would work better than ‘your’.
… “speaks to you again but” – There are two spaces between ‘speaks’ and ‘to’.
… “She let's out an” – Simple enough, “lets” instead of “let’s”.
… “You swallow hard and all the blood drains from your face.” …….. okay, there’s nothing wrong with that line, I just wanted to say “Ewwwwww…”.
Interesting idea for what sort of spell Celestia might know, and I must admit, this is certainly a curious path to take this story, given how it had quite a few ways it seemed to be going. I applaud your creativity!
... “did with her self.” – should be ‘herself’, so no space in between.
… “blurt out impulsivley.” – actually, it’s spelled ‘impulsively’. Just a simple mix of a couple letters, though.
… “vigorously search for a word that might stop what ever is” – First, I think it should be ‘searching’ rather than ‘search. Also, later in that sentence, the correct word being used, should be ‘whatever’, not ‘what ever’.
… “You're cutoff by a” – actually, this should be two words: ‘cut off’.
… “changed about her self.” – ‘her’ and ‘self’ shouldn’t have the space between them.
… “nor is she not stopping” – That’s a double-negative, they technically cancel each other out. I’d suggest “nor is she stopping”.
… “rings through out the room” – ‘throughout’ rather than ‘through out’.
… “Celestia lays down starts to” – I think you meant to put ‘and’ between ‘down’ and ‘starts’, so it would read “lays down and starts to”.
… “more interesting and inter” – double-spaced between ‘interesting’ and ‘and’… Oh, and did you mean to use ‘inter’ or ‘enter’ at the end?
… “Your begin to” – ‘You begin to’.
… “something and its gonna” – ‘its’ should be ‘it’s’.
… “as her mouth slide” – should be ‘slides’.
… “Not to be out done” – ‘outdone’ should be its own word.
… “here pace, applying” – should be ‘her pace’.
… “not to loose, you” – ‘loose’ should be replaced with ‘lose’.
… “really good at this her age” – I think a comma is needed between ‘this’ and ‘her’.
… “You gunt several times” – I’m pretty sure you mean ‘grunt’.
… “into long deep breathes.” – close, but I think you meant ‘breaths’.
… “princess, i needed” – “i” should be capitalized.
… “She looks to you with heavy eyes” – You actually seemed to forget the punctuation at the end of this sentence.
… And with that, those are all the errors I could locate. And now, for what I wanted to type: My analysis.
It seemed like you would repeat yourself often, especially with using the word “Celestia”. Sure, it’s her name, but it sometimes appears, like, five times in a single paragraph. There were also phrases that weren’t WRONG, but still ‘troubled me’ with how they sounded. One example is, “In one swift motion, Celestia forcefully brings you closer to her really fast…”. The ‘really fast’ sounded kind’ve out of place.
Is all this nitpicking?... Yeah, it is.
Truth be told, it all fits incredibly well, and I would love to see another work from you, solely out of how this had turned out… preferably with Princess Luna, as you had written her in this.
The descriptions are emotional but simple, the interactions are detailed and ‘spicy’, and the action is varied pretty well! Sure, the ‘horn’ usage kind of threw me off, but you somehow made it work out pretty well, and I can respect that.
I liked this story a lot, and… Oh, there’s another chapter!... umm… Okay!
1973413 Ah ha ha ha! Indeed, I needed two pages on Microsoft Word to type out and keep track of the errors I found there. Though I posted a fairly detailed 'analysis' by the end of it all... And I thank you for posting this fic. It was very wonderful to read! I certainly hope to recieve further fics of a similar manner, in the future. It captured plenty of emotion, but not only 'lust'. Yes, there was plenty in Chapter 6, but I mean things like the "stairwell", "Luna in the Garden", "The breakfast", and even the final page.
It's simple, and I admire that: I often try making my fics as complicated in wording as I can, yet I enjoyed this immensely. Thank you!
My turn!, My turn! "She was so adorable when he blushed" I think we can ALL see the mistake here
1983388
I dunno what error
yer talkin' about!
THAT'S NOT CELESTIA!!! THAT'S MOLESTIA!!! FUCKING RUN!!!!!!!
"Is she going to make a female clone of myself? Wouldn't that just be fapping?" Genius
....dude get the cinnamon bun THEN go up to celestias room then if she goes all rape crazy just throw the cinnamon bun at her and she will have to stop because they're so f*cking delicious there problem solved