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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Yee ha! Now we're getting somewhere! Things are getting intense!
Yeeesss!
Damn you and your mid-sentence cliffhangers. I know those are fairly common from one write, but for the love of me I can't remember his name. Oh well.
Beautiful as always. I like how Dissero isn't OP. I half expected him to be, seeing as I treated his time in the wilderness as a training montage. I'm too used to OP characters.
Anyway. You had better not have a chapter gap like that again. It was painful, man.
You won't hear me complain, this chapter delivered in spades. Also seeing this story had updated just as I got off work, even better. Now I have to go back and re- read it again.
2215150
That they are. The first driving force behind the plot has finally been introduced!
2216396
But I like mid-sentence cliffhangers.
Dissy is still rather weak by Outer World terms. He's currently at the level where wild animals usually don't kill him, but luckily he has Exe for more serious issues. I'm usually more worried about making him underpowered than overpowered when I write, because that's the direction I always lean to.
You may want to read my latest blog post. >>
2217293
Your bright Pinkie Pie smile warms my heart.
What was your favorite part? Mine was the flashback. I enjoyed writing that.
2219007
I do agree that the flashback helps flesh out Dissero in a way that lets the reader get a glimps into his inner workings and hidden mechanisms, also the feels . As for me, I'm always a sucker for a good fight scene. You managed to get the pacing of the fight so that it felt like everything was happening in quick succession all while keeping it unencumbered with extranious detail.
There was one little tid bit that I almost missed but has caused me to stop and re- evaluate my opinion of that characters motivation: “Half off for you, old friend. Go redeem yourself,”
That right there hints at a very detailed and troubled back story which frankly I can't wait to see what it is.
NOOOOOO. Damn cliffhangers.
Can't wait for the next chapter. ^^
I find this fic, and it's great. So I keep reading it. I get to chapter 12 on google docs, seeing as where I print from (since I tend to print these so I can read them whenever) only allows google docs, and nobody has permission to read from docs. That's fine, I'll just read chapter 12 on fimfic. What's that? Only one more chapter? Well, surely another will be out soon, and another and another until the fic is done. What's that? The author is going over the fic and revising?
That simultaneously hurts and heals me, bro. I gotta wait for the new chapters and re-read all the old ones. It's nice that things will be fleshed out to be their best, but it kinda sucks that I gotta wait a bit more for another chapter. I'm not sure how badly I'll want to read all the previous chapters again, because I'll already know what happens in the future, thus sorta ruining the joy and surprise of reading while simultaneously having all the old stuff semi-conflict-ery with the new additions.
I dunno, do your thing. I'll read it anyways. Sorry for the /rant. Still a great fic.
2257214
Do not worry, my friend. I've thought about you.
Not personally. But, like, people with your problem.
All the changes I make will be summed up in a neat-o blog post, spoiler boxes and all. That way, you won't have to go back and re-read to familiarize yourself with all the changes, if you don't want to. It's all convenient and stuff.
Glad to hear you like my fic! Thanks for mentioning that Ch. 12 is unreadable. That was not at all intentional.
Share and Enjoy.
2220282 Hey, guess what? It might seem like three weeks since my last chapter review, but it's only been several hours for me! You see, this pony showed up in a blue call booth and dragged me on an adventure to help this scrawny boy with the head of a horned owl out of a labyrinth filled with mutant twistentacles... okay, I'm just a lazy bastard.
Actually no; I've been busy. Put more work into chapter five, edited the prelude with none other than Vimbert the Unimpressive as our lead editor, and I've started touching up chapter one.
Oh, and I saw Sevendust live in concert last week, and I spent a good deal of time painting this for them:
th02.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2013/087/7/d/sevendust_nightmare_moon___black_out_the_sun_by_da__master-d5zk1ph.jpg
Also going to start filming the footage for our (Joseph and I) video review of 'The Crystal Empire' this weekend, as some sort of personal therapy for how awful it was. (Which since you mentioned not seeing what was so bad about it, we bring up plenty of reasons to hate it; like bad retroactive continuity, terrible use/misuse of the cast, several jarring plot holes, idiot balls galore, an insipidly dismal villain, and hands-down the worst thing I have seen in the entire series... for starters.) And I swear I will get to looking at your edits... eventually. I could probably look at them after this chapter, if you wanted.
Anyway, going back to your previous comment, it does take a bit of the flare from the characters knowing they've been lifted from other mediums, though since I can't directly trace them back to their origins, I suppose credit is due to you in that regard... probably more than we deserve. The main antagonist in our story admitted has a lot in common with the villain from another medium, but we have been putting a ton of thought into how to make him stand out in his own right. He's actually quite a fun character to write, but incidentally he's also the hardest one to write for.
I've gotten off topic.
I said it was a spoiler when you said Dissero isn't going to make it out of the Outer World as the same pony who went in. Granted, that is kind of obvious, as it is with other stories like Fallout: Equestria where it's clear right from the start that this adventure will change Little Pip, but, still...
Finally getting to this chapter.
You know, considering the looks Pyre and Faerie had been shooting Dissy pretty much since they first saw him, I knew something was going to go down... I just hadn't pictured it going down like that. This is a tad unrelated, but it's moments like this I realize just how incomprehensible I find female's sexual desires to be.
And that is precisely one of the reasons why I don't drink.
So going hunting with Hunter is pretty cool; gert some screen time for one of the less developed recusants, and we get to explore Outer World more. But as 'Over a Barrel' showed us, aren't dear in Equestria sentient? I know this isn't Equestria, but...
Didn't really get to think about it much, because Outer World reveals more of it's cards when fcking velociraptors show up out of nowhere, A storm belt, real big fish, raiders, and a clan of equines with issues not selling the 'this place is dangerous' aspect enough? Well then, add fcking velociraptors
Not enough? When then, have a wurm!
There is something that I should point out though, and that is it's not exactly clear what Dissero is fighting until Hunter kills it the only description we get is it's mouth and it's horrid stench, but other than tha- This funeral scene was nicely done; nice to see the crew of Omega after they've been gone from sight since chapter four. Seeing each of them handle coming to terms with Dissero's (supposed) death really gave each one more unique depth. Cleaver's funeral dirge was really good; painting the somber emotion in his respects really brought me in. And I should have suspected Silver would take it pretty hard. But there is one problem, thought... it's placement is the most jarring and awkwardly edited insertion of a scene that I have ever read. It's a good scene, but it just shows up out of nowhere, while Dissy is fighting a wurm, says its peace, then goes back to Dissy. Why? Just- ...t, I have no idea what he's fighting. It could've been a T=Rex for all I knew; you did mention it had scales, but other than that, not much. With Mr Fish, I knew it was a leviathan. With this... watch out for stuff like that in the future.
All in all, decent chapter. Good for adding flavor into Outer World, and it just makes me wonder what the Hell else is out there.
'Til next time... five weeks sound good to you?
- Christian 'Sarcastic & Satirical' Harisay
2343079
I enjoy giving spoilers, of the thought-provoking variety. Like, for example, when I say that this is foreshadowing for the future, I enjoy making my readers wonder what it all means. So the obvious 'spoilers' I give out freely.
Yes, those mares are just horny is all. Fresh meat, y'know? They have fangs. Girls with fangs are always kinky.
It's interesting that you say Hunter is less developed. He's actually one of the more important recusants. It'll be something to consider for the rewrites. Also, Over A Barrel portrays buffalo as sentient, not deer; deer have been shown to be nonsentient, if you look at how Fluttershy interacts with them. (Here's a fun fact: those deer are also carnivorous)
Ah, the velociraptors. Me and my co-author spent a good time debating on what should happen on the hunt. We knew it had to go wrong, and we knew there would be a wurm involved, but how? In the end, we decided on raptors. Yay, raptors.
The reason I put the funeral scene there is because I was trying to put in some suspense to it all, and I wanted to show some way of time passing without writing him dodging attacks over and over all just merely saying "time passed." Plus, having his crew mourn him as it seems he is about to die after all seemed cool to me. If Dissy wasn't the protagonist, he might've actually died or been critically wounded right there.
I should also mention that the west coast of the Outer World (where Dissy is), is relatively tame compared to the rest of it.
Thanks for the notes; I'll be sure to refer to them when I write the 2nd edition.
- Golden 'LoL Reference' Wing
Alright, you posted this in the Writer's Group, and it took me this long to get around to it.
With regards to your question... you're missing the hook in the first chapter. The actual plot hook doesn't seem to happen until about halfway through chapter 2, and there's a good wad of exposition which could probably be scooted around to fit the hook in at the end of chapter 1. I mean, they get the package, but that's not really a hook. They're picking up a job. Something that's about to happen BECAUSE they picked up the package can be a hook.
Similar problems tend to repeat themselves throughout the story. Exposition where it isn't really needed, and a lack thereof where it could probably be used. (Namely, your merciless time-skip of slavery time. While I can understand that slavery wouldn't be much to write about, just skipping a whole year of time with "and then we did slave things for a whole year" is a bit cheap, to my mind.)
Not to mention it feels like you can't decide what kind of story this is going to be, skipping from slavery to the resucant clan, and now the city, introducing seemingly significant characters all the way. The baron is an okay sorta villain, but at such a great range and with so little personal connection to Dissero, it feels like he doesn't have much impact at all.
And then there's the general setting of the world: there isn't much worldbuilding to show how the Baron's city fits in with Equestria (And how such a pit of cruelty escapes Celestia's notice against a backdrop of love and tolerance), and Dissero's name, which is rather out of place and breaks the theme.
I dunno. It's still early days yet as far as the plot seems to be concerned, and we may see a return of all these characters you've introduced, and it's earned a follow from me, but it was a hard start.
This goes on Read Later. And unlike the other 96 stories there, it will actually get read sometime soon!
2457211
Well, that was unexpected.
Did the synopsis catch your interest?
2458533
Yes, that is the main reason. The other reason is the fact that this is your only story so far, and people seem to like it, so... I will read this at a time when I'm not confined to a mobile device.
2462364
Oh, cool.
Whatever you do, don't judge the fic by the first three chapters.
They're also the first things I've ever written, and aren't nearly as good as the rest of it. I'm rewriting them now, actually.
2463099
Oh, I don't judge a story until the fourth chapter anyway. If it doesn't catch my attention by then, I won't read the rest of it at all.
2345356 I feel obligated to clarify that when I said I'd see you again in five weeks, I swear that I was joking.
I'd give you the whole spiel about all the things I've been preoccupied with, both the relevant and the useless crap, but that would just take more time to type out. All I will say is that I found a lovely gif that describes me and my brothers just a little too well...
i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/6909257984/hDB67B1D6/
Picking up from where we left off, I do agree that foreshadowing is a neat and nifty method to tie your whole story together so you not just pulling things out of your ass, and the level of which you foreshadow a given plot point can determine how much of a surprise it is. But saying that ambrosia is going to be involved in the story eventually, that tells me that it's going to have a major involvement, since consumables that perpetuate immortality is a pretty big deal, and now I can at least speculate that such items will be a goal that will be strived for, whether by the protagonists or the yet to be revealed big bad. Or both, and those two conflicting parties eventually intertwine at the end like in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, or something. Nothing definitive, but you see what I mean.
Wait; ambrosia; the sustenance of Olympians...
Food For The Gods...
FUCK YES, YOU LEAD ME STRAIGHT TO IT.
Anyway, onwards with this long overdue comment on chapter eight.
The griffon raid comes a bit out of the blue, but then I figured that it probably has ties to the griffon that Blood ripped to pieces (with a cheeriness that makes my skin crawl... I'll have you know that I learned as much about it as I could from outside sources so that way I wouldn't actually have to read the infamous Cupcakes, but there that scene is anyway...), or perhaps even the scouting party that Omega crew ran into. That, or the unexpected nature is just supposed to illustrate how unstable the Outer World is.
The interactions that Dissero has with the other recusants are good, the cut-to editing for both the disorienting flashbacks during the battle and the scene with the Omega crew again are much better, and I actually found the moment where Dissero is hiding in the rocks and afraid that the griffons have found him to be pretty tense. Though I have to wonder the wisdom of the griffon's use of eagle familiars; you've established an eagle call as a cue for the reader/protagonists to prepare for shit about to get real, but it ruins the element of surprise.
Dissero's internal dialogue here is pretty good, and demonstrates how much Outer World has changed him. By sheer irony, I've been catching up on the episodes from the last season of Survivor while I read this chapter, and being stuck with no foreseeable escape in a harsh environment, filled with cutthroats and criminals and where literally all the wildlife is out to kill you, just makes those moments where one of the weaker-willed castaways has a breakdown moment over some infinitesimal issue makes said weakling look all the more pathetic.
(By the way, I Googled "Dissero" out of curiosity; is his name supposed to mean "dire?")
And bunnies. FUCKIN' BUNNIES. God, even the cute wildlife is out if kill you. If this is the future, Fluttershy is rolling over in her grave right now.
And it's cool that we get to see the Omega crew again, and more guns (Chekhov would be proud), and I can't help but laugh that Storm pretty much invented Equestria's first prototype Wunderwaffle. But if there is one issue to be had, it's that there's more tell instead of show here. It would've been more effective to show what a hard-ass Ember has become instead of just telling us, better to give the reader some time with Silver during his moping to show how hard losing Dissero hit him, and why didn't you show us when they went into town? That could've had enough material to be a whole entire chapter by itself. And if it was going into this unnamed settlement that spurred Ember to the notion that they should make themselves hired guns, shouldn't there be a little more development than what we were given. Showing the going to town scene could've been subverted by implying that some sort of noodle incident occurred there and that's why we didn't see it, but as is it seems like an undeveloped thread.
Overall, not bad, and I'm curious to see if the mercantile life of Omega crew eventually runs into the clan life of Dissero.
2107813 Yeah, The Games We Play is still a fantastic story, even though by chapter eleven it should be obvious to anyone with a brain stem who Mare Do Well is. I've heard Absolute try to handwave this by saying that she wanted Dash and the mare playing MDW to have some intimate ground between them so their relationship can survive after the reveal, but that just means that we have to wait for Dash to learn what the rest of us figured out nine chapters ago.
IMO, the scene in chapter 11 that makes Mare-Do Well's identity a dead give-away should have been downplayed, and Dash's relationships with all her friends should have gotten some equally intimate (albeit not romantic) moments, so that way even as she's getting closer to them in some aspects, she's simultaneously getting further away because she can't tell if the two of them are actually having a moment or if they're just trying to play her. That could've made the conflict even more mind-wracking, and the reveal of who Mare Do Well actually is an even bigger mindfuck.
Which reminds me; I still need to go back and read that story again so I can leave one of my trade-mark, ass-numbing long critiques of it.
By the way, Golden, don't you still owe me a review?
- Christian 'Whoracolt' Harisay
2577266
I am happy to say that your interpretation of my hint is almost completely wrong, but right in an indirect kind of way. Yay, mystery!
The griffon raid is, correctly, tied to the one that Blood tortured. As a matter of fact, if that griffon had given up the information, the clan would've moved away before the attack even happened.
Dissero's name is supposed to have meaning in both Italian and Latin. I used this to find it initially, by translating some English words I thought matched him into Latin and picking the coolest sounding result. The Italian meaning was a happy coincidence. If you pay attention to things, you'll actually find that I use other languages for lots of naming, and the attentive reader can get hints on things from the translations.
I think I'll probably put the town scene into the rewrite; giving the crew more screen time during these chapters is a priority of mine. I'll be sure to take those four paragraphs full of tell right before Storm introduces the lightning gun and change them into show during those new scenes.
And yes, I owe you a review, but don't worry. I started reading your third chapter yesterday, and I'm reviewing the whole thing in one go! So soon it will be you who owes me, because your chapters are worth like four of mine.
A-ha! Engarde!
-Golden 'Scatman' Wing
2581672 If it turns out that I was completely wrong about the ambrosia thing on every aspect except there being In Flames references galore to be had, I swear, if In Flames and I are ever in the same town as you, I'm dragging you to the show along with me.
... Where do you live, anyway?
Now I'm going to be dumping every word that looks foreign to the English language into Google translate in an attempt to glean any hidden information out of it.
Anyway, onward to chapter nine.
Oh hey, it's Robber Baron! Wow, we haven't seen this guy since... since... uh... damn, this really has been the first scene he's gotten in the entire story, hasn't it? I think you just pulled a overly-fashionably-late-bad-guy thing ala The Third Man style, with the lead villain not showing up until halfway through the movie. Now I'm going to imagine Baron as a pony characterized by a young Orson Wells for the rest of this story.
For some reason, I'm reminded of another FiM antagonist that didn't really show up until about halfway through the story, but to make that comparison would be just plain rude.
Just out of curiosity, I counted, and the first line of dialogue Baron has contains thirty-seven words. Sheer word-count along with the depth and character establishment that line lends, and he's already a better villain than... never mind.
Hey, wait; did I miss something in chapter four about the ship, because I don't remember them coming across anything about it that made it special... certainly not so special that Baron is inevitably going to follow the crew into Outer World to take it back. For that matter, we haven't yet really gotten what Baron's angle is yet; I'm sure it'll come up eventually, but... And how is he keeping his entire operation hidden from the likes of Celestia and Luna? That'd have to be a fuckload of officials he'd have to bribe, and are all of them really bought out so easily? Hell, for that matter, I just realized that chapters two and three never really gave us an idea of what exactly the crew's enslavement was supposed to serve. I imagine that this will tie into the Baron's ultimate goal (if he has one), but for all those chapters clued us in on what the crew was made to labor on, they might as well have been chained together and forced to march in lines for no apparent reason. Sort of like... God damn it, I'm not going to say it.
I'm not at as much a liberty to go into an extensive criticism over this, as this chapter was written before I pointed out this issue with developmental gaps, but including a scene that shows Omega crew getting their first contract might be expedient to include to the list of scenes to add, too.
This is where my Michael Crichton style of writing is really starting to show; leave no segment of the story arch unwritten. As if the research entries weren't a glaring indication of that trait as it is.
By the way, I'm going to start a chapter-by-chapter countdown until Team Omega is contracted to hit the Stygian Clan. If that wasn't them already.
It's a bit funny how you were just wailing on me for using both showing and telling in my writing, because I noticed a few instances where you did the exact same thing: Baron dealing with Apricot, Sliver going ballistic and Nix pulling the reins on him, and I'm pretty sure there was another one somewhere. Not as bad as I probably had it, but just because I've got logs in my eyes doesn't mean I can't see the wood in yours.
The scenes with Dissero are good though, so congrats on that. You capture the paranoid edge and ominous atmosphere of being out in the unfamiliar wastes of the Outer World well, which I imagine was the goal of those scenes, so well done.
Armed bears? What, has Dissero run in Beorn? Or Dovahbear?
So that's... wait; I just realized that it hasn't been at least three weeks since my last review.
This feels wrong somehow.
- Christian 'A Better Antagonist Than King Sombra' Harisay
2637679
Gee, you're really picking up the pace, aren't you? Well, let's see here...
I figured that Nix shot the wolf out of panic, as she tends to see the gun as a "Oh shit I'm in trouble pull the trigger and everything will be okay" kind of thing. She panics even more after the bullet fails to do much because that was pretty much her last hope and it failed. Also, I wanted to show how tough those two 'raiders' were. (not really raiders but... you'll see)
Exe honestly just has shitloads of time to spare. He probably went and did something... or something. I dunno.
They are reasons for all of the unexplained things you mention here. Some of these reasons are simple and unimportant, like how the rabbits are carnivorous because they pretty much have to be, for self-defense if nothing else. Exe's slaying of that wolf pack was to show his skill and combat prowess; I also mentioned how the wolves didn't attack as one to show that they don't have much fighting experience. (those wolves are actually peasants, but why they were attacking him is something for the story to reveal)
The strange appearance and strength of the wolf/bear duo is an intentional mystery, which is actually closely tied to the lore of the Outer World as well as the mechanics of the fic's verse as a whole. At this point I'm still trying to portray the Outer World as strange, foreign, and unknown, and as such many things are left unexplained. Such as for example...
- The appearance and strength of the wolf/bear duo
- Why griffons love hunting recusants
- Why recusants are looked down upon, and indeed why they exist at all, or what they are, or how they came to be
- What the vision Dissy had at the stone (obelisk) means
- What that stone was
-Why wolves and bears can talk here, but not in Equestria
All of this stuff and more.
You'll find as you get further into the fic that things start being explained more often, and I actually have a chapter planned (I want to say... 16?) that explains many of the more important bits as well, to some extent. Right now, you just don't know much because Dissy doesn't know much, because really he hasn't had any reason to know much. He's just trying to survive here.
Don't you worry about the rules of the Outer World, now. There are plenty of those. I'd say that my co-author and I spend more time working on the Outer World than on the fic itself.
Guess I might start your next chapter soon.
-Golden 'Mystery Man' Wing
Hey, I got my first dislike.
Huh, I wonder why.
Before I read this chapter, let me just say that the title fills me with dread. I can't explain it, but...
Anyway, we'll see what happens.
Edit: Well, here it is!
This review proudly brought to you, by the group Authors Helping Authors.
Name of Story: Omega (chapter 14)
Grammar Score (out of ten): 10 (!)
Pros:
1) A new destination! Hooray for more world-building, as well as the faintest of hopes.
2) Fantastic fight scenes. Dissero is improving with his skills, and Exe is just all-round badass. See the attached video for my feelings on this matter.
3) Glad to see my wish came true. They should all leave New as soon as possible.
Cons:
1) I really shouldn't be listing plot points as cons, but there's just nothing to criticise in here, that I can see. So I'm just gonna say that I'm pissed about Ashfall escaping.
2) No further
3) Cons found
Notes:
Holy Celestia, did you deliver in this one! An unexpected "friend", secret tunnels, a race against time, Blood! and Gore! a lot of tense moments and a final cliffhanger... You know how to use those to great effect. Too many stories leave a cliffhanger on every chapter, reducing their impact and annoying their audience. Not this one, though. I'm hoping that Exe will join the crew, although I doubt it. Now let's see about making this reunion happen. Or not... your cliffhanger has further reinforced my top point about feeling apprehensive. What are you planning?
I lol'd a bit.
This is how I imagine the elevator scene (skip to 1:30):
You know what? Bugger it, I'm giving you a perfect score for this chapter, even though this exists. The rest of it is completely flawless; some people wouldn't even consider this a real mistake anyway:
x2 space
Reunion time! Hoo..ray? Guess I'll find out soon enough...
Adren