Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash are forced to confront their true feelings for each other after being stranded in the Everfree forest when a prank goes wrong.
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dendodge
Joined 17th Jan, 2012 ·
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Even before reading, I must say that the face that your fic's name reminds me of a fantastic song by Bryan Adams is... so nice...
Aside from the "Oh, Pinkie Pie, you're so random!" line that I'm tired of seeing everywhere...
I liked this one a lot. I can't be objective, though, I love it when I read Dash enticing the rest of the mane six...
I saw several problems with this.
The writing itself is fine. The story starts and proceeds beautifully. Everypony feels like themselves.
But when Rainbow Dash breaks up with Pinkie, the whole story falls apart.
The breaking up felt rushed. The speed-dating with applejack felt rushed. The reunion with Pinkie felt rushed and forced. The ending felt unnaturally rushed.
Another thing: Please separate things that happen with different characters. An example: When Rainbow is in froggy bottom bog, the shifts between Dash, FlutterDash, Fluttershy, Flutterpie, RainbowPie (not in shipping way) is too abrupt.
Example:
"Oh, Angel, do you think Rainbow Dash got my hint? I tried to tell her how I feel… Why am I so shy?"
~o0o~
"The fact that she's happy should make me happy," Pinkie Pie said. "Why doesn't it make me happy? I always get happy when other people are happy."
i love you, no wait you, no actually, i love you! and every thing worked out just fine...
but in all seriousness i like the story
I'm not sure it felt rushed, but it was really fast paced, like seriously fast.
I did like it though, in a oneshot kindofway-
But if this had been expanded into a 10 chapter epic, it coulda blown up to epic proportions, maybe.
EVERYPONY WANTS TO TASTE DA RAINBOW...
ok im sorry i just had to :(
139613
It had breaks to separate sections, but then it got copied and pasted so many times, and exported to so many different formats, it lost them somewhere along the line. I know I need to add them again at some point.
142025 like
I'm gonna go with Lucefudu: after RD breaks up with Pinkie, the story breaks apart at the seams. I have to admit that I couldn't make it to the ending for how awkward the narrative had become. It's a nice enough ditty before that, though I sorta feel like you've either misunderstood Pinkie or ramped up her randomness and silliness way, way beyond her canon character to the point where she becomes kinda ridiculous and, well, incoherent,
The point where I gave up hopes of finishing the story deserves special mention. It was when you described RD and Applejack as "kissing for half an hour", in a way eerily reminiscent of IKEA-porn. This is not good storytelling whichever way you spin it, this is how you write an instruction manual, or a 5th-grade field report. You managed to put me off Appledash, and that's pretty hard to do.
As for Rainbow's character: while I definitely appreciate a brash on the outside/nervous, sensitive and possibly a bit clueless on the inside Dash, and don't mind a bit of drama and confusion in my shipping, I just...I don't even know how to describe it, apart from saying that to my eye you reduced Dash's emotional and romantic life to that of a grade schooler. No deeper inspection of her own attractions and emotions, no real doubt, no real feeling of any kind apparently.
Take this review of sorts for what it's worth, of course. Your writing is okay in and of itself, but more detail and adherence to the canon personalities of the characters and a bit of restraint when it comes to pacing and narrative build-up certainly wouldn't go amiss. Pinkiedash can be more enjoyable and lovely than almost any other ship. I'm sorry to say that in my eyes, you don't do the pair much justice.
Keep on trying, though.
Dash is a player!
At first I was like "YAY PINKIEDASH"
But then I was like "APPLEDASHNOTP"
And then I was like "APPLEJUCK Y U CELLFISH BITCH"
Bet then I was like "YAY MOAR PINKIEDASH"
And then I was like "HOORAY APLEJUCK NOT BITCH ANYMORE"
And then happy.
Everypony was happy? What about Fluttershy? She really felt like the good Samaritan here.
All in all, this story felt quite rushed. 9K words aren't enough for it. This could be easily transformed into a 5 Chapter story with 5K words each.
I won't be saying what could be worked on, since Lucefudu and Mihail Frost have already mentioned everything I'd have said. Especially Pinkie Pie's forced randomness, it really felt like she was repeating the same thing with different words. Example : "It'll be X! I like X! X is good." I saw this like 5 times. Don't get me wrong, there are good parts of randomness, like the one where she compared Rainbow to fudge.
I'm pretty sure Angel is a guy
4016956
You're so right! Rainbow dating Applejack after she told Pinkie that she loved her was a bit confusing and rushed