Chapter 1: School Fillies are so Silly
Edited by Shadowflame and FlanChan
It had come to this. Rainbow Dash couldn't believe it. The end of the world was here, and her own mother had caused it. “Mama!” squeaked the pegasus foal being pulled along by a much more fashionable earth pony.
“You knew this was coming, darling...” The mare's scarf fluttered in the wind.
“Please Mama, don't do this!” the poor filly shook wildly.
“You have to do this, you know that...” The fashionista kept dragging the filly along the ground until they reached a tall building full of other young fillies and colts. “I just don't get it...” the mother muttered. “Why don't you want to go to school, sweetums?” She lowered herself until she was looking directly into her daughter's eyes.
“They're all so stupid and lame, Mama!” Rainbow gritted her teeth and rolled her eyes.
“Oh, come on. It can't be that bad, can it darling?” She lifted her daughter’s chin up with a hoof.
“Maybe...” Dash mumbled, looking away from her mother.
The mare leaned in and whispered, “Are you afraid?”
The filly tried to put on a brave face. “What?! Of course not!”
The mare gently pet her daughter's head. “Rainbow Dash, it's alright to be afraid.”
Rainbow Dash looked down at her hooves and started to walk toward the entrance to Ponyville Middle School. “Alright Mama, if you say so...”
Dash was surprised to feel a huge amount of warmth surround her as her mother hugged her from behind. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Mama.”
Rainbow loved her mama very much, and she was always afraid of being away from her. She had grown up in an apartment in Cloudsdale before, but her mama decided that they needed a change of place.
Dash waved goodbye as she cautiously entered the school. It wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. Lockers lined the walls and young school foals ran around the halls having fun. One student, however, stood out from the rest of the ponies. A pink earth filly was running around and greeting everypony. Dash then noticed that she was approaching her.
“Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie! You have a really pretty coat and I know we're gonna be super awesome friends!” Suddenly, the pink filly dashed off to say hello to the other students.
“That was... weird,” Dash mumbled.
“Don't worry none about her. She's a good pony, if Ah do say so myself,” an orange country earth filly said, who Dash just noticed was next to her.
“...and you are?” she asked.
“Oh! Ah'm Applejack. And yourself?”
“Rainbow Dash.”
“Well, nice to meet ya!”
“Well...um...”
“Something wrong, Sugarcube?” AJ rose an eyebrow.
“Nah, it's just that... why are you being so nice to me?” Dash's eyes rose a bit, as if to hide some kind of discomfort.
The orange filly was very confused. Why wouldn't she be nice? In her family it was always taught that kindness is a virtue. “Sweetie, Ah don't think Ah understand... what do ya mean?”
“Well...it's nothing. Do you know where Ms. Bon Bon's room is?” Rainbow looked off to the side.
Applejack knew something was off, but she decided to let it go. No need to butt into another pony's business. “Yeah, that's mah teacher too!” She started galloping down the hall, but stopped when she noticed that Rainbow hadn't moved. “Ya comin?”
The blue filly stared for a moment, but then started galloping as well, passing the orange pony. Someone to keep me on mah feet, AJ thought with a smirk. She dashed forward, keeping pace with Rainbow.
Sweat dripped off of Applejack's neck as she put all of her energy into running. The cyan pegasus was very elegant as she ran, despite her rough and tumble nature. Her breathing was calm and her form was graceful. This kind of running was the type that trained athletes tended to do, not young fillies. Applejack even began to wonder who Dash trained with. All of a sudden, she noticed the blue foal yelping about something, before consciousness quickly fled her.
“Applejack... Applejack... Applejack...” Darkness filled the orange filly's sight. She could feel something malevolent and demonic crawling over her very being. All at once her vision came rushing back, and she saw a hulking, monstrous creature.
It looked a lot like the colossai spoken of in olden pony legend. This couldn't be though; those were just old pony tales, right? Every step the beast took was like an earthquake, thunderous and mad like a hurricane. Yes, a hurricane was the best way to describe this being; it didn't mean to harm others, but it couldn't really help it because of how powerful it was.
It continued to consume her entire body, and her vision began to fade again. She wouldn't let this happen a second time, and fought the entity with all her might. She could feel herself floating, like there wasn't anything around her. As she began to feel herself fade, she heard a voice, “Applejack... Applejack... Applejack...” Was someone calling for her? She had to reach out to this pony.
Her vision came back a bit at a time. The ceiling of the roof she was in was a sterile white. As were the walls. Beds lined the walls waiting for their next visitor. Applejack realised that she must be in the nurse's office. AJ looked around and noticed Rainbow sitting next to her. The cyan pegasus' mouth was cast downward as she muttered the Earth pony's name. Applejack felt a pain in her chest as she looked down at the pitiful pegasus.
“AJ, you're awake!” The magenta-eyed pony hugged Applejack with all of her strength.
The orange filly was actually having a hard time breathing because of this. “Rainbow, Ah appreciate the concern, but could ya loosen your grip a bit?”
Rainbow backed off and smiled at the earth filly. “So you feeling okay now?” Rainbow pointed at AJ's bandaged head and bruised eye.
“Ah feel fine, but what happened?” Applejack wasn't still quite sure whether the dream was real or not.
“Well you kind of... ran into a door.” Dash rubbed the back of her head.
“Really? Okay, that would explain this here shiner.”
Rainbow Dash was about to say something when a voice broke in, “Applejack! Are you okay, darling?!” Dash covered her ears tightly as a white-coated unicorn ran up to AJ.
“Ah'm fine, Rarity. Don't worry about it!” Applejack patted the frightened filly's back, and noticed that Dash was looking at them. “Oh, Rainbow, this is mah friend Rarity, she's a bit of a... drama queen...”
Rarity bowed slightly as she greeted herself, “Oh, I am ever so sorry for not introducing myself earlier! I am Rarity, and I take it you are Rainbow Dash?” The sophisticated filly extended her hoof to shake Dash's.
“Yeah, but how do you know my name?” Rainbow's brow furrowed as looked upon the unicorn.
“Oh, you two are the talk of the school after what happened this morning!”
The cyan filly looked down at her feet. “Yeah, I did kind of goof up, didn't I?”
Rarity stared at Dash, a gasp escaping from her. “Don't be absurd Rainbow! Everyone was very impressed with the two of you! From what I've heard, the captain of the track team, Spitfire, wants you to join! Isn't that just so exciting?” The white filly giggled in girlish glee as she jumped up and down.
“Wait... really?!” Rainbow looked up, a grin adorning her face.
“Of course! A lady wouldn't dare tell such an atrocious lie!” Rarity huffed a bit.
“Wow, this is so rad!” Rainbow Dash couldn't believe that things had gone this well on her first day. Maybe life in Ponyville wouldn't be so bad. She had already made two friends and had been invited to join the track team. She couldn't wait to tell her mama all that she had accomplished!
Dash's thoughts were suddenly interrupted by some of Rarity's gossip. “Did you two hear that Ms. Bon Bon is dating one of the high schoolers?”
Applejack's eyebrows drew together in a scowl. “Rarity, Ah didn't think you were the type to listen to those nasty rumors!”
The unicorn waved her hoof at the earth pony. "This isn't a rumor, darling! I saw her at my cousin Lyra's house!”
Applejack continued to glower at her. “So that makes it alright to tell everypony about it?”
Rarity breathed in deeply. “What?! My dear Applejack, I think you've misunderstood me. You two are the only ponies I've told. I just really needed somepony to talk to about this!”
Applejack raised an eyebrow. “Why in the hay would ya wanna talk about all that mushy gushy stuff?”
Rarity trotted around the room giddily. “You can't be serious! It's a classic forbidden love! The pleasant teacher who falls in love with the rebellious student! It's just like my favorite novel!” Rarity grabbed a sheet off of a nearby bed and draped it over her head. “Oh Miss Bon Bon! I know it's wrong, but I love you! No matter what, I want to be with you! I don't care what anypony thinks, as long as I have you!”
"Rarity Lyra is eighteen ya know. It ain't exactly forbidden." Applejack smirked.
"Oh hush you. You're spoiling my fun, and even so she is still a student. You know as well I do that most ponies look upon that type of relationship with...distane, as it were." Rarity stuck her head up and grinned widely.
"Fine, fine ya know Ah'm just teasing." The orange pony chuckled.
"Hmph! Well it wasn't-" Rarity was suddenly being cradled by the blue pegasus.
Rainbow Dash decided to join in on the fun. “Oh, Lyra my love!” She dipped Rarity and wiggled her eyebrows. “You are more beautiful than the summer and the stars! I would fight an army of manticores for your honor!”
The two kept a steady gaze until Rarity finally fell over laughing. Rainbow soon joined her on the floor. “Oh Rainbow Dash, you are indeed humorous!”
The cyan filly smirked. “You're not half bad yourself.” The two eventually got up and instantly stopped laughing. With horror, they saw their teacher standing at the door.
“Oh... hello Miss Bon Bon...” Rarity's cheeks flushed as Miss Bon Bon began to frown.
“Oh Rarity, I thought you weren't going to tell anypony...”
Rarity looked up at the teacher she respected so dearly. “These two are the only two I've told, and they're very trustworthy. I just needed somepony to talk to about you two!”
Instead of waving it off, Miss Bon Bon pushed the issue even farther. “To make fun of us... Rarity, why would you do this...?”
Rarity tried to come up with something to say when Rainbow interjected, “She just thought that you two were a really cute couple and wanted to talk about it, Miss B. She's just a romantic like that.”
Miss Bon Bon chewed her lip and turned to the cream-colored unicorn. “Is this true, Rarity?”
Rarity nodded speedily. “Yes, I am so sorry for telling somepony without your permission. I hope you can forgive me...” The unicorn bowed her head ever so slightly, begging for her teacher's forgiveness.
“Well, I guess I can understand. You always were one for romance novels... Just don't tell anypony else, alright?”
Rarity smiled brightly. “Of course! I promise I won’t tell another soul!”
The candy colored mare left through the door. “Alright. I'm going to make sure you keep your word.”
Rarity sighed loudly, and then turned to Rainbow. “Thank you so much!” she squealed, embracing Rainbow tightly.
“Augh! Rarity, it's no problem. Just let me go!” Rarity dropped the suffocating filly.
“Oops! Sorry about that, but I owe you so much darling!” Rarity giggled.
“It's no problem Rarity... it was nothing.”
“But it wasn't nothing! Having someone's trust in you destroyed is one of the most dreadful things imaginable!”
Rainbow slumped slightly and in a hushed whisper said, “It really is.”
A tall white mare walked into the room. An air of worldliness and hospitality surrounded her and filled the young ponies with awe. “Are you feeling any better, Applejack?” she asked the injured earth filly.
“A-ah'm fine ma'am!” A deep blush permeated Applejack's coat and her voice squeaked more than she wished it had.
The nurse, Redheart, reached her right forehoof to gently feel Applejack's wound. “Are you sure?” Her voice, sweet as honey, made the little fillies' hearts skip.
“Y-yes miss...sorry about causing ya so much trouble...” The orange filly twiddled her hooves anxiously.
“Don't worry about it, sweetie. We all make mistakes. School is over for the day, and I need to know if you have anypony to take you home.”
Rarity stepped up to the nurse. “May we walk her home, Miss Redheart?”
The nurse looked contemplative. “I guess that could work. Make sure to check in with me tomorrow, alright?”
Applejack shook her head rapidly, “Yes ma'am!”
The three fillies decided to visit a local sweet shop in town called Sugarcube Corner on the way home. It was known for having the best desserts in all of Ponyville. Rarity and Applejack had been going there for many years now and were great friends with the couple that ran it.
“Afternoon, Mr. and Mrs. Cake!” Applejack bellowed loudly.
“Why, hello there! How are our two favorite customers?” Mr. Cake asked the two fillies, “Oh, and I see you've brought a friend. What's your name, little filly?”
Rainbow Dash looked up awkwardly, not really used to this much positive attention. Yelling and insults she could deal with. Beatings were something she had gotten all too used to. But compliments and pleasantries would take a lot longer.
“I'm... Rainbow Dash... i-it's nice to meet you,” she replied, her body stiff as a board.
Mr. Cake continued to talk, but something else grabbed Dash's attention. The pink pony from that morning was here. What was her name again? Pinkie Pie? The curly-haired filly had taken notice of Rainbow as well. She smiled and waved at Dash wildly. Something about this pink pony was just so interesting and new to the cyan pegasus.
As she tried to figure out what exactly was so intriguing about this pony, Dash realized that she had at some point walked up to her.
“Hi, what’s your name?” Pinkie asked, bubbly as ever.
“I’m Rainbow Dash! Fastest filly alive!” she boasted, jabbing her hooves in the air.
“Oooh! I remember you from this morning! You're the pretty pretty pegasus!”
Dash's face was even more flushed than it had been back at the nurse's office. “Y-you're Pinkie Pie right?” She asked with a bit of a squeak in her voice.
“Yeah! How'd you know that, Dashie? Oh my gosh! Are you like telekinetic or something?!” the pink earth pony made a multitude of gestures confusing the blue pegasus.
Rainbow blinked as she tried to piece together what the hyper girl had just said. “Am I what now? You know what, never mind. You told me this morning, remember?”
Pinkie gasped, “Oh, duh! Sorry, it's been such a busy day that my Pinkie brain is a bit on the fritz.”
As the two fillies continued chatting, Applejack whispered to Mr. Cake, “Congrats on the kid.”
He smiled warmly at her. “Thank you dear, but it's not really just a kid.”
The orange filly looked confused. “What do ya mean?”
Two more young fillies came down the stairs. Both were gray colored but one was a darker shade than the other. “We adopted three girls actually.” Mrs. Cake walked down behind the fillies.
“Oh, Mom! Mom!” Pinkie Pie ran over to her new mother, jumping up and down merrily. “Guess what, guess what?!” she asked.
“What happened dear?” Mrs. Cake mused.
“I made a new friend! Her name is Dashie!” Pinkie waved at Rainbow to come over.
“Hello Mrs. Cake I'm Rainbow... it's nice to meet you,” she said, somewhat embarrassed by Pinkie's antics.
“Why, hello dearie! I'm glad to see my Pinkie is already making friends!” She patted the cyan filly gently.
“It's no problem. Pinkie's a pretty rad chick,” she replied nonchalantly.
“Wait wait wait! I'm a bird?!” Pinkie exclaimed as she attempted to use her legs as wings which resulted in her falling flat on her face.
“No Pinks, I mean you're a cool girl,” Dash chortled heartily at Pinkie's antics.
Pinkie tackled the cyan filly into a hug. “Thanks Dashie!”
Rarity giggled at the two as she walked up to the other two sisters. “I am Rarity. It is a pleasure to meet you, darlings!” The younger of the two looked somewhat scared.
“She's kind of shy, sorry about that. I'm Octavia and she's Inkamena...though we tend to call her Inky.” Octavia adjusted her bowtie slightly.
Rarity shook the composed mare's hoof. “Your bowtie is just fabulous by the way!”
Octavia smiled demurely. “Thank you. It is very special to me.”
“So are your sisters going to be joining our school soon?”
Octavia lifted a hoof to her chin. “Pinkie already has, but we're not sure if Inky is really ready for something like that.”
The little gray filly in question squeakeloudly in recognition.
“Well I have a sister who is just about her age and she has a lot of little friends her age... maybe we could set up a little play date for them!” Rarity suggested clapping her hooves together in excitement.
“That sounds great! What do you think, Inky?” Octavia smiled at her sister.
The young filly's eyes darted back and forth. “I... don't know. I mean, I'm not that interesting, and I always mess things up and… I don't think it's a good idea...”
Rarity and Octavia exchanged a look, and as they were about to withdraw from the conversation, somepony else stepped in.
“Hey kid, don't be stupid.”
Rarity looked at said pony in shock. Octavia even had the look of a pony intent on murder.
“What do you mean by that?” Octavia asked sourly, the venom hanging from the end of her words.
“She's just a little kid! Little kids make mistakes!” she replied bluntly. Rainbow walked up to Inky and continued, “Those mistakes are just you learning life. It'd be stupid not to try. It'd be stupid not to make mistakes. It'd be stupid not to do this. Don't you understand kid? You're not stupid, I can tell that much. Can't you give it a chance?”
Inky closed her eyes tightly. “You really think I can do it?”
Rainbow put her foreleg around the young filly. “Kid I don't think you can...” Inky looked down as tears threatened to fall from her eyes. “I know you can... you're a pretty chill filly. Heck, you know what? How about me and you practice on being cool?”
Inky smiled ever so slightly. A smile that hadn't graced her face since the death of her parents. “R-really? You'd do that for me?”
“Sure kid! That's what friends do.”
Inky's eyes opened widely. “We're friends?”
Dash nodded wholeheartedly. “Of course! Tomorrow after school I'll visit and we can practice, okay?”
Inky nodded as her sisters looked on, smiles filling their faces. “O-okay!”
Applejack started teetering back and forth and tried to hide it, but a white filly had already noticed. “Applejack, darling, are you feeling alright?”
AJ looked up, a haze filling her eyes. “Ah'm fine, don't worry about it,” she replied blankly.
Rarity looked over at Dash, eyebrows scrunched together. “Dear, Applejack is not feeling well. It’d be best if we leave now.”
As Rainbow walked toward the door, Inky shouted out to her, “What's your name?”
The cyan filly turned her head and bellowed, “Rainbow Dash, the fastest pony in all of Equestria!”
Hey guys this is RariTwiFan! I was wondering what I could do to improve the next chapter and what you guys liked about this one. I know this chapter was a bit boring but it will get more exciting soon. I hope nopony hated this I understand though that my first chapter was a bit...not great putting it lightly I hope you all will end up liking what I have in store and I'd really appreciate some constructive criticism if you have the time.
1886467
I would suggest putting more in the description--something that pulls the reader in. Also, make sure you start a new paragraph when someone new is speaking. Example:
And I have another question--the end of the world? Dash's mom caused it? What? I would suggest being more clear. And they're in Ponyville? I thought Dash was in Flight School when she was a filly... But that's not a big deal.
I have another question. Will there be shipping pairs? And if so, who? So far, it seems like this is a school-life type of story. Is it going to change to what you described in the description?
Well, with that out of the way, it seems interesting, to say the least. Will you be adding all the characters? Too many questions... But good job, regardless. I'll follow it, though. Hope Twilight shows up at some point.
I liked this chapter a lot. You do really have a good story going here. But that's because when I read a story, I mainly enjoy it for the story, not how it was written.
Your only problems are technical and grammatical errors. If you'd like, I could help make it better by editing it a bit. Although, if you don't want me to edit it, I could always help you improve your writing by putting in small notes on what you should improve.
If you want any help at all, then you should contact me. But if you don't want my help, then I recommend that you try posting your story in this group: Editor's Dreamland
You have a pretty good talent for story writing, and I want to see it get even better.
1888734 Description has always been my one of my biggest problems and the beginning bit was more of how Dash was feeling at the moment. She doesn't like school so she felt like it was the end of the world. I could have definitely shown that more clearly. I will indeed be adding all the characters! Twilight is getting introduced next chapter and the ships will be x , x , and some others that I'm not sure of yet. Thank you for the feedback it means a lot!
1888852
Ohh, heh... Had a moment; that makes sense now. I just took it literally.
RariTwi? Should've known from your username, eh? I'll be looking forward to that! You're welcome, and I'm looking forward to a new chapter.
1888881 Thanks! Also the reason Dash is in Ponyville now is because this takes place in an alternate universe where the mane six met when they were younger.
Hiya, it's SpeederClaw from Authors Helping Authors here to...help an author!
-Colossal
Grammar: 6
Pros
-Interesting concept of having the mane six meet in school (having school drama and whatnot)
-Placement of other ponies makes sense (Octavia being related to Pinkie/Bon Bon being a teacher as I can kind of see that)
-Good foreshadow on Rainbow Dash's past
Cons
-Separating dialogue; every time a new speaker speaks it must be a new paragraph (or else it gets confusing to read)
-Tense; you want to stay in past tense as present gets hard to keep track of, you'll naturally be typing/writing in past and then change to present
-Other grammatical mistakes, some commas and spacing...some periods
Notes: Overall, I think you should play around with innocence and have Rainbow Dash already sort of knowing what it's like to see the more 'darker' things in life. She'll teach the other mane six about it or something, just thoughts for future chapters should you choose to continue. So, like I said, work on thy grammar and try to stick with speaking in past tense. Commas/spacing/spelling is important, but make sure you create those new paragraphs for new speakers. All in all, I believe you will take this in the right direction.
Hope this review was helpful and don't forget to check out my story, One Shot, One Chance, when you get the chance. I'd appreciate any feedback you would have and good luck on writing
This review is brought to you by the group Authors helping Authors
Name: Colossal
Grammar: 6.5
Pros: Good story concept, original (as far as I know), Like that they're all fillies, haven't read many stories of why the main six were fillies.
cons: Grammar needs some work (but so doesn't mine ), was hard to tell who was talking at times.
Notes: My Reviews focus more on story rather than grammar issues. I like the Concept/plot of the story, though you might want to elaborate more on the bullying of Rainbow dash, she never struck me as someone who would get picked on. Also make sure to separate conversations, when some one new speaks make a new paragraph and make sure you make it clear who is speaking.
Hope you liked your review, don't forget to give my story a look, Guardian of the Hearthfire, like and favorite and don't forget to comment.
1895236>>1895187>>1893124 Thanks for the advice guys! I'll make sure to get reviews to all of you as soon as possible!
This review is brought to you by the group Authors helping Authors
Name: Colossal
Grammar: 5.5
Pros:
There's a lot of good ideas here. You pair up other ponies really well and that's generally what one hopes to expect from an AU story. The main thing too is that I didn't hate this story at all while reading it, however...
Cons: This has been brought up in other reviews, but your grammar and structure need work. Grammar isn't my strongest suit, so I'll touch on the action of the story. Everything happens rather fast, and it was hard to follow. I couldn't finish this chapter because it was hard to follow what was happening.
Notes: I feel like I should apologize for not giving a very detailed review. You say this is your first story huh? I high recommend you submit your next chapter (which I hope you write) to a proofreader. The best thing to do is keep your tenses all the same, and I personally recommend past tense, and make a new paragraph every time a different character speaks. Also, slow down the pacing a little and show the reader the setting. One of the things that last me was that I couldn't picture what was happening - there's a lot of telling but not much showing. But that being said, I think you have a good idea here that is worth exploring.
I won't leave a link to my story here - I don't think I gave you a good enough review for me to feel okay with asking you to look at my story. Keep writing, and do a lot of reading if you aren't doing so right now.
MadBrony from Authors Helping Authors here:
Title: Colossal
Grammar: 6
Pros: original story line, as far as I know, I like the idea of them all being friends from when they were fillies.
BonBon as a teacher is also pretty interesting (I think someone else said that as well)
Cons: Characterization with RD seems a bit off. It sounded weird when I read that RD got severely beaten. She isn't really the kind of pony that would get picked on.
Needs more descriptions so that the story doesn't seem bland.
Numerous grammatical errors. For every new speaker start a new paragraph, tenses seemed to change. Overall it was pretty awkward to read.
Notes: Overall, this story has the potential to become a good life adventure type story. Fix the grammar, be more descriptive and don't give up.
Hope this review proves useful, and don't forget to check out and review my story The Arrival
1917856 Description is something I'm working at and I'm very grateful for your help.
1917845 I'm editing the first chapter at the moment so hopefully you'll be able to finish one. You brought up a lot of good points and I will be reviewing your story. You put a good amount of work into your review and I won't leave you hanging dood.
Thanks for the fav and review, your friendly admin vren55 popping in from Authors Helping Authors
Grammar:6
Pros:
You got the cute filly mane 6 down pretty well
Generally you have good sentence structure and okay grammar
The premise is interesting
Cons:
At the same time, the ponies seem a touch mature for their age.
Additionally, it seems as if the whole scene was rather rushed.
Plot not really established, or not even given a hint of. I'll explain in notes
Notes:
Well I have to say filly mane six looks pretty good, but I don't get a lot of this chapter. I mean, is there a wider plot that you've hinted in summary? Because that's the chief problem with this. I like how you did establish the ponyville ponies, but what about TS? In this case, you have to get the second chapter with TS and establish the plot ASAP or people will lose interest. This story does show promise though and I gave it a like.
Story i would like you to look at: Remembering the Fallen (it's a bit sad though)
1923001 Twilight will indeed be in the chapter. I gotta say her opening scene is pretty awesome...I think anyway. Also I have to agree that they are a bit too mature in the first chapter. Hopefully as the story goes on I'll be able to write better kids moments. Also the plot will be mostly established next chapter. Let's just say Applejack may discover something.
I'm gonna try not to just say what everyone else has,
overall I really like the story you have going, a bullied RD isn't common so it's nice to see something new. Plus including the pie sisters is a nice touche, maybe you could elaborate on way they're adopted and reveal the bow tie story ( just suggestions).
As the other have said the main flaw is the grammar and style. As a small thing, I'm pretty sure you don't use a pluralized stem in possession, Filly's instead of fillie's. Also the mane six seem a bit too old to be in middle-school but it's not too bad.
At any rate, I'm definitely sticking around to see what you do with this.
This review is brought to you by Authors Helping Authors!
Name: Colossal
Grammar: 7
Pros:
- I like the concept a lot, very original and intriguing
- The ponies act just as they should for their age
- As others said before, having Bon Bon as a teacher is a neat little detail!
Cons:
- Yeah, dialogue definitely. I know many others have said it before me, but it really distracts from the story. Look here and make changes to your story accordingly. And to go along with that, start a new paragraph whenever a new person does something, like think or something.
- It's pretty weird to read in present tense. Please change it to past tense, it sounds less awkward
- A few other small things. It's 'filly' not 'fillie' and a few times you said 'ponie' instead of 'pony.' I'm also not sure if the semicolons are really necessary, as you might be able to just end the sentence and start a new one instead. If you do need them, put a space after them please?
Notes: This story has a lot of potential, and after you format accordingly for dialogue, you'll probably have many more likes! Nice work!
YO GUYS I GOTS ME AN EDITOR!
1933828 Thanks for the review! I've got an editor now so hopefully most of the mistakes will be gone now.
1935475
Oh! Oh! I wouldn't mind being a second editor person!
In fact, now I really want to be.
Maybe I'm just crazy that way though
1939166 That's be super awesome! Do you want to start on chapter 2 or go over chapter 1? Either ones good and your help means a lot!
1939559
I can start chapter one later today and pm it to you!
1941692 Cool sounds great!
This review is brought to you by Authors Helping Authors
Name: Colossal
Grammar: 8
Pros:
-I like the foreshadowing for later things.
-Interesting idea, I like the idea of them all being friends at school (the idea of them being all that age almost gives me a heart attack from adorableness)
-Quite simply I want to read another chapter, the storyline is engaging
Cons
-I am a little unsure about the characterization. I had a little difficulty imagining some of AJ's lines being spoken, seemed more mature than she is in this.
-Seemed to jump around a bit, introducing characters left right and center. I felt I didn't really get a proper feel for a character before they had left. This might be addressed in the later chapters of course.
-I feel you could write some more on the setting. There wasn't much description and it felt as though some scenes were happening in a void of sorts.
Notes: I am intrigued and interested by where you are going to take this. The concept seems original and the characters, for all my grumbling, are generally well characterized. I wish you the best of luck in writing this and I shall follow this story with interest
I would ask you to review Winter Solstice, but you seem to have favourited it already. Some pointers would be lovely though
1949683 Thanks for the review! AJ is a bit more mature than a kid usually is, but there is a reason for that. Chapter two will explain why exactly.
It did jump around a bit you're right. Hopefully chapter two will better at keeping focus.
Settings are something I definitely need to work on!
Thanks again and I hope you'll be looking forward to your review soon!
I gotta say, I really enjoyed your story! I'm not normally a fan of alternate realities, but you've done a really REALLY great job Can't wait for the next chapter!
1956708 Thanks! It means a lot!
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Name of Story: Colossal
Grammar score: 7
Pros: The concept of story is interesting
Nice foreshadowing of future events
Cons: I feel as if the story is being rush
Too many characters are being introduced at once
Notes: The story is interesting but as I said I feel like being rushed. Can't say that I like the story so far at the time being, but write the next few chapters and I feel more comfortable of making a finally decision.
Hope you like the review and that it is helpful. Please help me by reviewing A Choice. Just a word of warning it is a long story so don't try to read in one go.
HOLY BUCK! BY THE GODS!!!! This wrirting is seriously amazing, very, very detailed and really in-depth, I very much enjoyed it, damn. I'm 110% down for this, you three really did a very amazing job, you should feel so proud of yourselves, I'm hoping Derpy will be in this at some point
And Rarilight? Ahhhh.......hmmmm..........shit, fine, oh well, but only and ONLY because this is so well written....*sigh* This is the only one of this pairing I shall read.....and only once.
i must say i am really liking this story. its making me like pinkie even more. can't wait to see what you do with fluttershy (haven't read chapter 2 yet) here have a cookie and a yay