A dark coated unicorn with a dark talent called Darkbright Occolt arrives in Ponyville after being exiled from his previous hometown. He is immediately given looks of contempt upon his arrival, however, Twilight Sparkle takes a chance on becoming friends with him. She shows him around Ponyville and is introduced to Twilight's friends. Even after she learns of his dark talent to use his magic to create horrific illusions, she still offers him a friendly gesture. However, her friendly intentions are shaken when Darkbright commits an unforgivable act.
Cover image by: http://askcharmingshadow.tumblr.com/
Chapters (3)
Some one give this man a medal!!!!!
Well I liked it.
Please continue, I'd like to see how this goes.
Yes, continue! This story have interesting concept, I want to see how he would try to repair his relationship with everypony. Especially with Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy, as goes for those two as well.
138083
a medal more like a million and this is a crazy story 5 stars isnt enough
Im tracking this now, I might should add haha. Gave this five stars as well!
Wha- thats it? No, no, no, you HAVE to write more, right now! This is really really good. First fanfic that ever got the in-my-head movie going! 5 stars! Tracked, watched, followed, and everything in between!
This pony needs a princess to guide him, or maybe Fluttershy when she stops crying.
Either way, he's got issues.
Wow. I wasn't expecting these kinds of comments. I had only just begun writing too...hmm. Well, this certainly motivates me to keep on writing, so I thank you all.
Take your time for the next chapter, I think this might be a little harder.
But I know you can pull this off.
Ooo, a great cliffhanger. Twilight is first one...maybe.
I did kinda rush this a bit...but I'll redeem myself in the next the chapter.
Good story, you forget some words here and there, but seeing as how you're just starting out, not bad. 4/5
I like this addition, but you still miss words sometimes. I'm wondering though, why didn't Twilight mention it was RD that goaded him into showing her his power? Twilight would'nt forget something like, plus it changes the entire feeling of that event from someone who used it on Fluttershy intentionally, to someone who had thier talents challenged by another and asked to demostrate with Fluttershy showing up at the wrong time (I know it did'nt happen quite like that but you get my point). Anyway this chapter gets a 4/5 from me.
>>EndGamer
She was already uneasy about Darkbright simply having such a power, when she had discovered that he had used it, she felt like he was to take all the blame. Although RD did in fact goad him into it, it was ultimately his decision to cast it, where he could've ignored her. She didn't mention that part because her negative feelings were focused on Darkbright, plus she kind of expected something like that from RD and found it to be of little concern. Like I said, it was ultimately Darkbright who had the final say and he let his feelings get the better of him. Hope that answers your question.
Also, yeah I know some words are missing, but that's what I get when my keyboard refuses to listen sometimes and I'm writing at 4 in the morning. I'll fix it up though and maybe learn to write when I'm awake.
ALSO, thanks for telling me. Appreciate it!
The start made me think of "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by...Green Day, I think?
HEARTWARMING!!!!
Very good chapter! Can't wait to see what will happen in ch.4 when you update.
Toodles!
I was on the edge of my chair the entire time. Your story here has inspired me to write a similar one.
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'A fairly big roc'.
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When will this update? o:
Darkbright shouldn't apologize, Twilight should apologize for insulting her betters.
This story made me think of the Pinkie Pie Polka. I don't know why, but it did. I still think Darkbright should "punish" Twilight sparkle and Rainbow Dash. After all, it's Rainbow's fault and Twilight was being a bitch.
314987I'm working on it, though I do have college work as well. Also, check my blog, and if you agree, spread the word. If any concerns or questions occur in your mind, seek me out, for I can clear them up. I need all the support this entire brony community can muster....perhaps that might even motivate me to spend a bit more free time on the story...just saying...anyway give it a read, 'tis quite detail-oriented.
Ho lee schitt! This is awesome!
Alright, well that was a sufficiently long read. The general concept kept me going through the rough patches where words seemed to be missing, or tense got confusing. Good enough that I'll be reading chapter 2 for sure. I'm not a huge fan of "SuperDark" characters, in fact, in general I hate them, but I've always like the idea of true illusionists, and the idea that he can't see what's going on intrigues me.
I'm not a huge fan of the name Darkbright, as it is an oxymoron and is the part that annoys me the most about this character. Occolt is brilliant though. Made me giggle a bit. I like that the character is disconnected, and reacts appropriately for that. The fact that the character is generally unrelateable (at least at this point,) gets in the way a bit. I'm left feeling distress over what could have created such a character, usually with such characters, they aren't this way until the middle of the story. People (and especially ponies surrounded by near constant harmony for that matter) aren't just born uncaring and total sociopaths (at least in standard narrative.) It leaves me desire to see more of the character's past, and the character's turning point. Usually with these things people aren't just hated all their life for no reason. Sure you can grow up with people's prejudice against you, but I want to see the moment when this pony was exiled the first time, and the true reason for his attitude, probably when he got his cutie-mark. Usually villains (which is what this pony would be considered if this story were written from another perspective) aren't just plain evil, or nasty. They have motivations for everything, and many even believe themselves to be the good guys: Taking examples from the show, Nightmare Moon just wanted to be loved, and was jealous of her sibling, eventually this jealousy and loneliness lead to her going from Luna, to Nightmare Moon. Discord isn't truly evil, he's been presented with a lot of power, and wants to have fun, sure he could be considered a bully, but he doesn't hate anypony, and in fact never caused direct harm to anypony. Moving on to Chrysalis, she was the queen of a hungry nation of changelings. Sure she enjoyed her takeover, but the truth is that she had people to feed, and to them, she was the good-guy. Anyway, at the moment, this character is lacking that for me, the piece that makes them understandable or relateable. I'm sure this story is already finished and I haven't read up to date yet (and I probably will tonight,) but I thought I'd leave that piece of feedback.
Over all, I'm liking it so far.
A lot of the issues I had when I read chapter one have been resolved. I enjoyed the Roc bit. Now I can relate to the character a lot better now. I think that the bit with Twilight was resolved with unexpected ease and reasonableness, though I can't think of a reason why it wouldn't be, other than that other stories generally like to over-complicate matters like that. If Twilight wasn't such a smart pony I'd expect otherwise, but she is, and thus it's satisfying to read.
I still struggle reading some spots because words or letters are missing, which I feel like could be solved with just a once over by yourself, though I cant say I blame you for doing so, as I forget myself sometimes.
I find the character's sense of direction refreshing, though slightly confusing given how in the first chapter I was given the impression that this pony is totally socially inept, of course now with the background in view I can better see what's going on, and kinda understand where the direction came from. I'm surprised that this one event has inspired Darkbright to fix his relationship with his parents as well, given that his parents seem to be the ones that screwed up the relationship, and not Darkbright, though an apology for bringing shame to them might be in order. Also, your way of describing things in chapters 2 and 3 were very unique, and very enjoyable.
I await the next chapter hesitantly based upon your last update date, however, I very much have enjoyed the story so far, and apologize if my critiquing has come off as rude, picky, or offensive in any other way. I find that most people appreciate an honest review. That being said, great story so far.
Update this fanfic please :D