This is my first story and i would like some constructive critisism yes this is a scootaloo X spike thanks so much for your support everyone and feel free to comment whenever
Chapters (6)
- Member Since 17th Jan, 2012
- offline last seen Apr 7th, 2013
Rainbowfluttergummy
I. Love gummy and fluttershy and dashie and last but definetly not least SCOOTALOO, so much that i would so adopt her
Rainbowfluttergummy
Joined 17th Jan, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- coleisfantastic · 1k words · 23 1 · 1.7k views
- jdan · 2.8k words · 132 10 · 4.5k views
- WingedColt · 1.1k words · 25 1 · 3.4k views
- Eclipse Lightning · 3.2k words · 72 1 · 4k views
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.139 seconds
Total duration
761 users online
652,212 hits today, 2,156,967 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Hope yall like this and i hope ro update once a day so be back ill probly update by 12 am at night so yea
chzbronies.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-dafuq1.jpg
At First i was like ^
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lvp42zSFuV1qmx8wh.gif
Now im all ^
Cheers
~iraqlobstah
Um...well, I understand that it's your first time, but...seriously, an iPod is NOT the right way to write a story. Seriously. You have everything written in one huge paragraph, which that alone makes it near impossible to read. There's mistakes everywhere, and the chapters themselves are WAY too short. The concept is nice, but...the writing itself left much to be desired. A tip would be to not use your iPod to write; it never works. If you have no choice...well, you need to work on this. A LOT.
Really? Twilight and trixie?
Thx guys yea i really do have to stop with the ipod and il try and fix up it sumtime but thx fer the feedback
Hey bro thats MY profile pic
Wtf lol man i love scootaloo tho oh and btw whats wrong wih twilight and trixie
Ostensibly, Twilight Sparkle would be less then inclined to feel tender about irreverent unapologetic braggart.
Equally ostensibly, Trixie would be hard-pressed to have any positive feelings about a pony who showed her up that badly.
While a good story can be woven to bring them together and even into happily ever after... Just positing them as lovers without so much as a single word as to how they ended up like that adds a grating dissonant note into the story.
On the topic of Scootaloo being an orphan - common theme, and just as commonly badly abused by lack of common sense. It would be nigh impossible to hide the fact of being an orphan in a rural burg like Ponyville. Places like those are "everyone knows everyone" kinds of towns, and whatever could`ve had happened that made Scootaloo an orphan, whole town would know of it within a day. I also sincerely doubt that Scootaloo would be left to her own devices just like that. An orphanage or foster home of some kind is an imminence in situations like those.
Scootaloo`s reaction to pecking Spike on the cheek is... baffling, to say the least. CMCs are not exactly of the age where they can truly comprehend the scope of repercussions they inflict on other ponies with their antics - that much is amply shown many times. It would be highly unlikely Scootaloo would be able to even compare her actions to Spike`s crush on Rarity, much less feel an immediate and crushing regret about this.
Spike, on the other hand, would be... quite well aware he shouldn`t be doing anything too explicit with a foal. As relaxed, as pony society is, I doubt it would look kindly on that kind of thing. Taking into consideration the facts that Scootaloo is an orphan and desperate for any kind of companionship, eager Spike would be just... a miiiite creepy, y`know?
145278 u sir know ur stuff but i say look at the tag ALTERNATE UNIVERSE. and if you want back story then i will get around to a bonus chapter or to just for you
145291 There is a difference between alternate universe and just plain illogic. If you're going to scrap a Character's personality because it gets in the way of a story, you're not writing a fanfic. You're writing a Short story of your own creation, wrapped in a pony skin.
Scootaloo being an orphan with no-one realising it can be explained, in that she may not have lived in Ponyville before whatever killed her parents. She shows up during the day and dissapears at night. Everyone assumes SOMEONE looks after her, no-one knows who, but trusts its taken care of.
TwilightxTrixie makes NO sense. One is an egotistical, selfcentered Braggart with no regard for anyone other then herself. The other is selfless, caring, hard working and dedicated to others. They're complete opposites of each other, their personalities would clash. Even without that, there is the fact that Twilight is Inherantly better than Trixie. Her special talent is magic in and of itself, whereas Trixie's is a speciality in STAGE magic, Smoke and Mirrorwork. Trixie, who's mantra is "Anything you can do, I can do better", would get incredibly depressed around Twilight, Whose very existance proves her wrong. It is not a thing that could realistically happen without a HELL of a lot of character building (not to mention about ten tonne of Humble pie shoveled forcibly into Trixie's mouth)
Alternate universe tag exists to let you cast your favorite characters into environment they`re not naturally found on.
Humanised ponies? AU.
Steampunk ponies? AU.
Unexplained romance between Twilight and Trixie? WTF.
Plot, m`dear. Good firm plot makes story 20% cooler. In the absence of such, reader is left to flounder, unable to comprehend the hows and whys of the story. Understand our predicament - it would be quite uncouth to tell you "TwixTrix pairing? Naaaw.", but in the same time it throws our understanding of character dynamics and personalities right into our faces, when we`re presented with this romance and not a single shred of explanation as to how it came to be. As any fic about unconventional pairings, it simply begs for an explanation as to how the aforementioned unconventional pairing had came to be. Because, y`know, they`re unconventional for a good reason.
Oh, and let`s not forget the issue of Trixie reacting to Scootaloo, mmhm? Because as far as things are rolling, Spike`s essentially persuading Twilight to adopt Scootaloo. Which Twilight would certainly discuss with her marefriend Trixie, now wouldn`t she? Oh, and let`s not forget the fact that Spike is already looking on Twilight as if she were his mother, essentially. Which would make him and Scootaloo siblings if Twilight were to adopt Scootaloo. Implied incest much?
i will figure something out tonight but i dont think spike thinks of twilight as a mother but more of a sister
Yes. That just might lead to awkweird situations...
145490 ha but ill try to make sense of stuff with a bonus chap but it wont be in the ponys view it will be like a story
Good idea. Writing from the viewpoint of pony should be done with caution - it might turn out to be annoying if used incorrectly. Best times to narrate from pony`s view is in sequences like diaries, inner monologues, flashbacks and such.
Vell, it`s good to see you`re willing to put an effort to it.
Bonus sounds just as naive as the rest of story to me, but I guess that`s how you roll. In either case, that gives an explanation as to why Twilight would show up with Trixie all of a sudden.
___
For reference - story gains a depth if you take time to delve into characters, their reasons and thoughts. Here, I`ll put a little example.
Two weeks. Two bucking weeks, and Trixie still couldn`t muster the courage. She knew the reasons well - stage fright was very common in her former profession. But why her? Why now? She`s an expert! A showmare par excellence!... Well, if you don`t count the debacle with Ursa Minor and complete inability to perform ever since...
She stomped her hoof. "I refuse to have that kind of downer thought on my dayoff!" - she exclaimed loudly. And ducked her head immediately, as she realized what she blurted out loud. Thankfully, Trixie was in her room. No witnesses to her oh so embarrassing outburst. 'Sooo tired of moping all the time.' - she thought dismally, looking around. Hotel room wasn`t much to look at, though. Suddenly, she hopped up and trotted to the door resolutely. "That`s it! I`m having me a nice, sweet, moist, delicious blueberry cupcake, and nopony`s going to stop me!"
Sugarcube Corner was quiet. Tuesdays were not exactly the sale days for pastry, so Trixie found the shop practically empty. But that just made her mission harder - the only one inside was Pinkie Pie... Who`s unquenchable energy was frankly terrifying. Gritting her teeth, Trixie stepped into the shop. She would not be stopped on her mission! "Greetings! I desire a Twilight cupcake!"
In a silence that followed, Trixie`s thoughts were summed succintly by one single "Oops!".
Lol thx for the info ur awesome
You might want to try typing stories on an actual keyboard and not on an iPod Touch or an iPad. The concept of the story is good, I like a little Scootalove, but let's fix those paragraph errors and let's space out the parts with Spike and Twilight talking. Jamming a conversation into one paragraph makes the story feel rushed. I like the story though!
Thx i re did all the chaps spelling mistakes and stuff so hopefully next chap woll be better
THANKS so much everyone i never thought that my first fic would have over 500 views in under 20 hours
Omg 666 views sweeeeeeet
146933
666 lol
btw, I really like your story, but I almost gave up reading after the first paragraph. When I mentally fix all the bad grammar and spelling, it's a pretty cool story. Not anything super deep and beautiful, but a cute little story nonetheless. I think it would be drastically better if you A) added more depth and backstory, and B) double checked your story before you post it, maybe read it out loud to see if it sounds right, etc. Will definitely be tracking this to see if you improve the story and follow my suggestions. Thank you, and good day.
148076 Read Stray Ardor, that's pretty much what this guy is trying to re-write, but in a horrible way.
148598 no i am not copying it i got the idea and i told him bout it cause me and the waffler ( the guy who made stray) are friends. And there are different ideas including othe relationships plus this is the begining i havent even started and also to those who are tracking im going to stop with the ipod
148933 I am the one who wrote Stray Ardor, I typed it up and gave it to waffle (Who is my co writer in Team Joker) He gave me a summary and I turned it into a story, and this story is about 80% following Stray Ardor, and its very annoying. Same type of settings, meeting places, treehouse orphan, scoots living with twi and all.
Interesting idea so far, but try to get better grammar going. I had to fight myself to continue reading. Also, are you the same person as Snapplejack, and you just got a new account? Cuz for a while you had teh same pic, and she wasn't active for a while and both of you are folowing me. THAT was a mouthful.
Again, you needz bettar grammar. And it's My Second Life you are referring to. Interesting idea, once again. But I'm fighting myself to read this, as it has quite bad grammar. Also, don't feel like you have to push out chapters if they're really short. Take time, I reccomend 1,250 word chapter at the absolute minimum. But this is your story and you do what you want with it.
Again... grammar. I shall try to continue, but you're making it SO HARD!
Again, my friend. You need to do more than spellcheck. It does not pick up on all grammar, you know. Thought it should pick up on many things you do leave in there. i recomend you fix the chapters up before continuing, it will get you more people tracking the story. If you can look past the many errors, it's turning out quite nicely. However, not many people on this site will get past the first few lines of Ch. 1 because of your amount of spelling and grammar errors. I'm sorry if I offend you, I want this story to do well. I really do, and I'm trying to help you become a better writer. I suck, honestly, but those who can't, teach, as they say.
149601 thank you, no i am not offended and i am thankfull for your advice. I did not post anything yesterday because i am writing more and spell checking also after that chapter i will be going back and fixing it up (a lot)
149601 no i am not snapplejack and the only pics ive had is this one but im pretty sure she saw me and said hey thats my pic and then laughed and said its ok and then changed hers
Thx for 900 views
145378 Although I am more or less indifferent towards the whole Twilight and Trixie thing, I still find that it is entirely doable without much effort. Trixie leaves at the end of the episode and Twilight says not to bother going after her. This insinuates that Twilight is a forgiving character and hopes that one day Trixie will learn from her mistakes. From what we've seen of Twilight in the show, it wouldn't be far fetched to gather that if Trixie were to come back that Twilight would give her a second chance. Also it would not be far fetched to say that Trixie could come back to Ponyville realizing that she's unhappy about her situation (obviously having no friends or anyone in her life) and wants to make peace so that she can make friends for once. In that scenario there is little explaining needed as most of it could be drawn by the reader.
Plus instead of jealousy Trixie could easily learn from Twilight.
It's really actually a VERY plausible couple to be honest.
153037 thank you
149580 Nope. There's only one Snapple Jack bro
I like this continue the good work.
164669 thank you and i hope to
Well,the story's plot is good but it needs an editor,and bad.
English is not your first language, is it?
I Like where this is going though call of hoof cant be that interesting
If anyone could be and editor for me please respnd to this
>>Rainbowfluttergummy I could help with spelling, grammar, and punctuation editing.
>Cytotoxin
Wow, there is so much I want to type, but I fear that I may not have the capacity to actually articulate it all. Firstly, I want to say that I am glad to see a fellow brony (pegasister) take their time to seamlessly and carefully guide someone who is struggling in writing fiction. When I was a young man, I used to copy from whatever work of art I saw, but I never felt bad about it.To me; this wasn't to fill an empty need, or satisfy my ego. I did it to gauge my talents; did it to learn; and, ultimately, did it to pay homage to someone who changed how I wanted to contribute to others whether, it be small or grandiose in nature, just as you have. So in conclusion; my hat is off to you Cytotoxin, and your art; for you have changed me just a little more.
Oh and I also have a message for the author of this interesting piece. If you read my last comment, some of the things written in there are actually about you as well. I also sort of hinted a message at WinterTwister as well, and whether his statement is true or not, is completely irrelevant. anyone, especially you, has the makings of a great writer in you. 5/5 (PS: All of this was written on an Android, so if that's any consolation,there ya go)
175222
I`d offer, but I`m not sure you`d recognize your story after my editing.
I would also love to edit this piece
Thank you all soo much, i hope to get out another chap soon but ive been busy with school
So it say scootaloos first time so I assumed it was something with clopping or so
the chapters are rather short and well yeah I expected something different but I hope it'll get better
I'll watch ya
Im not sure if there is just a bunch of unintentional grammer issues or if this is a troll fic
and Twixie isn't helping either
If your making a serious fic, then writing it in a way to remind people of 'Spiderses' is a bad thing.
If your making a troll fic, then... carry on I guess
"....It was like throwing a bag of chips at a chain link fence and I forget where I was going with that analogy..."