This story is about Twilight as she accidentally curses herself to jump dimensions randomly upon using magic. She meets the Magic Man and learns of a new magic and life beyond that of a student/librarian. As is starts to happen more and more, Twilight finds it harder to disguise the fact that she's disappearing, and learning what could be forbidden magic.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Interesting start, I'll be watching this.
Dont mind the thumbs down, there's some here who instantly downcheck any tales with a cover image made by pony creator...
1871849
To be honest, we just wanted to get something on here. We don't mind what views it gets (Though any good view is appreciated.), but since we get an abysmal internet connection, the time it takes to find a related picture to the time it takes to publish, it's just not worth it. I mean, we comment everything on our phones as it's cheaper. ~AuthorDefiance
1871893 Ah I see. I went the other way with my stories.
I leave the cover blank until I find or make appropriate art. (Still working on the Gulliver cover)
Still, this should gain traction with readers soon.
Good luck!
Time for me to be a constructive critic.
I don't think that that's correct. In the Heath's Warming Eve episode, during the pageant, Pinkie Pie refers to the planet as earth. She says something like: "The earth is round, there's no such thing as up or down."
This is a minor no-no. It's usually in an author's best interest to write out numbers instead of just putting them down (11 vs eleven, in this case). Thataway, some of your pickier readers won't think that you're lazy (not saying that you are, just that that's how many see it).
The word 'its' shouldn't be capitalized. On the note of grammar, you're no five-year-old-troll, which is a good thing. However, there do seem to be a few mistakes throughout. A good wash through MS Word should get most of those things out and a few (a LOT of) re-reads (out loud preferably) should get the rest.
Your formatting is also kinda harsh on the eyes and it can, at times, be hard to tell who is speaking.
Your story is also rushed, slow way, way down. I don't get why people think that they need to pull these things out so goddamned fast, be patient and make sure that your first chapter is spotless before you post it to fimfiction.net, it isn't like the site's going to Oblivion in a handbasket or anything, especially now that those pesky Mayans got their dates wrong.
Aside from this, you've got a minor case of breaking the "Show, don't tell rule." You could really play out those first introductory paragraphs into a much longer version of it happening in real time. It works the way it is, but it would work better if we got to see what happened instead of getting the run down from a couple of paragraphs.
Oh and if there's multiple authors then don't mind my tone being geared towards one specific person.
On the good side, you haven't got Twilight out of character and your chapter is, if only barely, over a thousand words long. What grammar mistakes you have don't kill the story, but are a deadweight that would be best removed as soon as possible.
My suggestion would to be to set the story to password viewing only and then run it over with a steamroller until it's all better. Then just set it back to 'everyone can view' and if your steamrolling was successful, you'll garner many more likes.
Also, get a better cover image. I believe that many consider using Pony Creator to be lazy, I personally don't, but I'm not the majority.
So until then, farewell and good luck to you. Feel free to ask questions or for clarifications, I'm always willing to help a fellow writer and MLP fan out.
/)
Wow. Only half a day has passed and our first watch and very helpful critique! We now love this community. ~Eruestani
1871978
Wow. Thank you. Those changes will take a while to adjust as I'm nowhere near my computer at the moment.
I must have missed that part about Pinkie calling the planet earth. I went off of Doctor Whooves Adventures for the naming of the planet.
The number thing was supposed to be changed when I published the chapter. And the reason it's rushed is that I write down everything in notes. Then expand it. Expand it some more. And more... and so on, until I reach a point I like. then give it to the other two to proof read. (Which is a slight mistake as I'm the only one who past English with good enough grade...)
And I for one believe that since the Mayan calender is cyclical, as in when the B'ak'tun comes to complete the circle, another circle is added around the calendar. They just ran out of room on the rock. And I'm diverging...
Formatting is something I know I need to work on and I'm working on it. I just can't get enough clear examples to help me. Which is a poor excuse.
And I'm currently having words with Erue on the point of password viewing only. This was supposed to be submitted but not able to view. Mainly so I can see how it looks on the site before release.
We're working on a cover image now. Everything should, I hope, be fixed by tomorrow.
Thanks, ~PrincessKaiser
1871942
Thank you, and I'm currently reading your stories as we type. They seem great from what I've read. ~AuthorDefiance
1872099 You are very welcome, kind sir. I thank you for not biting my head off like many other writers might do when presented with a critique.
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Your welcome. And I've just realised how confusing this will but I'm female. The other two are boys but who cares about them? And I'm all for critique. Manly because this is to improve my writing skills. Which in turn, should turn their scrawl into something legible. ~PrincessKaiser
1872431 Oh, my bad on the gender part then, sorry.
1872509
No problem. Now of to bed for me, else I won't be up for work tomorrow. Thanks again. ~PrincessKaiser.
Well today was hell. Couldn't get round to doing anything today as work was a pain. Which means one strike in the setting targets and not keeping them box. Next time; no saying targets out loud. I need to sleep now before I commit murder. ~PrincessKaiser