Earlier today, a pink hoof reached out and pulled me from the pond. The time since then has been the best of my life.
I hope that I can stay.
Chapters (2)
jp523
Joined 23rd Dec, 2011 ·
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Hmm....
Interesting......
I LIKE IT!
1847656
I am glad you enjoyed it!
INTERESTING SALAD.
Hmmm... Nice idea.
HOW DARE YOU CLIFFHANG! :D
1850765
I did have an epilogue written initially, but it wasn't very complete, and I felt that it wasn't necessary. If there is a major demand I can revise that epilogue and hopefully provide a more satisfying ending.
Hey there! I saw this story in the Useful Feedback group, and thought I'd drop by. Merry Christmas, by the way!
Okay, so, first: the nitty-gritty. There are a number of sentences here which end without punctuation or which have other minor grammatical niggles. Comb back through the story and see if you can weed them out. It's a very easy thing you can do to improve how your story looks significantly, and shouldn't take too long in a piece of this size. There are also a few misplace words here and there; 'the my raspy' near the end is one that stood out enough for me to pick it out.
Let's see...Other than that, the piece does have a certain monotony about it, which may well have been your intent given the subject matter; it arises mainly because there isn't much variation in terms of sentence length or complexity. If you want to change it, try mixing up your sentence structures a bit. The concept is definitely a nice one, although personally I don't quite 'get' what's going on; I have a feeling it makes references to a season 3 episode I haven't seen yet or something. Although mystery is nice, most people like to know what's going on when they read, so you might try specifying the scenario a little more. So, yes, the idea is sound, but I don't think the execution is quite solid enough to carry it to a satisfactory conclusion.
However, what I will say is that, for a first story, it's quite good. It manages to have basically good grammar and no immediately obvious spelling errors, and the characterisations of Twilight and Rainbow Dash are brief, but solid when they happen. There are several parts of this story which I thought were nice, even if I wished they were developed a little better; the fact that Mopey Pinky is one of the last two ponies left is a nice touch given Pinkie's bipolar reputation, and the cliffhanger at the end was also an interesting development.
My recommendation here is practice. You've got a good grasp of the basics, which is already a step above a lot of users on-site. However, writing is one of those processes that needs to be honed through repeated attempts. Don't get discouraged, and keep at it.
My other big tip would be to read, both fanfiction and published work, since that will give you many examples of style, pacing, and all sorts of things that you might learn from. Good luck, and I hope you have a lovely New Year!
1852900
Thank you very much! I had this story developed for some time, but I was having trouble getting feedback, so this is enormously helpful.
I will definitely comb back through the story to find any missing punctuation. Also, I think I can do more to convey the monotony with a more varied structure, at least in the initial portions. Even if the situation itself is very monotonous, the character should still try to approach it in a more varied fashion.
Personally, I have trouble telling how much I need to elaborate upon a scene. Familiarity with the episode is definitely a factor, but it should not be required. The trouble with description for me is that I am generally afraid of ruining the rhythm of a piece or being to forceful with interpretation. If you care to say anything else, I would love to hear if there was any parts in particular that really needed elaboration.
(ps: I loved Kaleidoscope, thank you for writing such an amazing story!)
(pps: Merry Christmas and a happy Hew Year to you as well!)
1853935
Well, as much as I'd love to try and say how to explain the scenario, that's hard to do without actually knowing what the scenario is. However, it might be possible to include some basic reference points in another character's speech. To explain it in a basic way: as the first person narrator, Pinkie controls the flow of the text in this case. However, she doesn't control the pattern or length of what other ponies say, so you can elaborate a bit more within that. I don't actually think it conflicts with your aim of conveying the monotony Pinkie is experiencing here; Twilight, Dash and co. are essentially the only parts of Pinkie's world that break that monotony, so those sections would logically be a little more lively than the surrounding parts whilst they're doping stuff that entertains her. (That's also in keeping with Pinkie's character, since she's such a social pony.) Done well, you should be able to create a contrast between the stark blandness of a Pinkie without her friends, and the more lively parts where they're around, which will drive home how untolerable the former is.
You might also choose to elaborate a bit more on the details of Pinkie's prison and her activities therein; in particular, you might try a more detailed description of the wall. If you've ever been bored in class and watched the seconds hand of a clock go 'round, you know that boredom can lead to an incredible focus on otherwise uninteresting stimuli! You might also want to try describing the wall in other senses, too. Does it make any sounds as it ripples and shimmers? Does it have a smell, an observable texture? Pinkie's a baker, with good taste buds; how does she imagine the wall would taste if she were to lick it? That kind of thing.
However, those are only suggestions. It's your story, and an important part of that is being able to take or leave advice as you will.
Since you're the author and I'm not, I won't know exactly which of these suggestions will actually fit in with what you intend to get out of the story.
(Also, I'm glad you enjoyed Kaleidoscope!)
1854008
Okay, since the scenario is very dependent on the episode from which the story originates, I will do more to bring that context into the story. That should clear things up a lot more, and give far more basis to expand upon what is there. I will try to make revisions in the very near future.
Thank you for your input.
1854106
Again, Merry Christmas, and I hope you do well in the New Year!
You're welcome! I hope it was useful. I'll probably try and get your story moved out of the Detailed Feedback Requested folder, if that's okay. I'm trying to start going through those, since the group as a whole has got basically nothing done for ages.
Edit: D'oh. Just realised that that's against group policy, apparently. I haven't checked in on those forums for a while, since I've sort've been a sleeping founder. Essentially, if you want more feedback from other group members (which seems a little unlikely at this juncture, since the group is fairly inactive), you're welcome to have your story moved back to Feedback Requested. I'll do all the busy work and stuff.
1854150
Your feedback was extremely useful. The story does not need to be moved back.
Thank you very much, and good luck with the other stories!
I likedt his story. That is all.
That was awesome!
Of all the concepts born from the "Too Many Pinkie Pies" episode, this was by far the most enjoyable!
WELL DONE!
2075277
I am glad you enjoyed it!
I was really trying to look at the clones in a different way, and I am glad you found something interesting in that.
ps: Your stories have been wondrously entertaining thus far!
Dat ending.
I can just see Twilight's face after she hears those words.
magnetinspirado.files.wordpress.com/2012/10/beaker-oh-shit.jpeg
BRILLIANT!
Insta fav & +1
SEQUEL!!!
An excellent dark take. Superbly done alternate universe. It's chillingly efficient at what it does.
I wonder if we could wrangle thirty-eight other writers to write all forty Pies, all canonical in their outcomes (unlike this excellent tale), each selecting one of the Pies who fell and the one who remained. "An unprecedented and massive undertaking!" indeed...
This is good, and the revision takes it to a whole other level, far more immersive.
2324860
Thank you very much! I was very interested in looking at a more undefined clone, and letting survival instincts take their course.
Also, that sounds like a wonderful idea. It would be particularly marvelous to see what the first Pinkies to be blasted were thinking.
Oh my wizard god! Sequel? Please? I really want to see the reactions to this. My imagination is not being itself.
Nice kick at the end. Terribly underrated story.