Equestria has been blessed by years of peace, it's citizens live happily through their days safe from fear, turmoil and strife. Yet in the shadow world of secrets, lies and politics something is happening; something terrible...
Up in the North a dark cult is gathering strength, down in the South a civil-war between diamond dog counts threatens to spill over into Equestria and to the East, The Griffon Empire becomes more bold and audacious with every passing day.
Remember my friend; Darkness is on the rise, and it's going to take more than harmony to defeat it...
So this is my first attempt at a pony fic so it probably is pretty terrible. My biggest fear is that it isn't 'pony' enough but we'll see. I'm very happy for C&C so please let loose with all you've got - this is an exercise in writing after all!
I'm sorry to say that in this story things will die, things will bleed and things will explode (in some cases twice) and that the story is also predominantly written for OC's; so this isn't the fic for you if you dislike those things. There's a bit of comedy and a bit of darkness in there as well along with some terrible poetry.
So I hope you enjoy and please give me feedback.. especially on names... I'm really bad at thinking up names for some reason...
Could you write a description that hints at what the story is about? All I know at the moment is that this is your first fic and some other unnecessary details that will not interest potential readers.
not bad, I read the whole thing and i like it so far
Pointing out some things to help you out:
1) Keep the grammar consistent. I see periods separates by a space on each side, no single line spacing between paragraphs, etc. Every time you do that it makes the reader stop reading and think "Jeez this guy is careless."
2) Story seems a bit on the passive side for a fic start. Shoot for something that is going to grab the reader's attention and cling to it like a fat kid on a cupcake. Suggestion: Make the situation very tense for the team. Don't tell the reader the situation is tense, describe it. Maybe the characters have some of their own little quirks when they get nervous, they probably sweat a little too among other things. Or perhaps you can mix it up a bit and tell it from the fugitive's point of view. Write about how he checks his corners, or tries to find an escape duct, etc.
3) All that equestria tech... don't explain how it works. People want a story, not a presentation. (Sorry that was a bit harsher than I intended)
4) Don't tell the readers why the characters do what they do, show them through their actions. Again, quirks can help here. Not all quirks need to be obvious.
5) Avoid writing ANYTHING that makes the reader pause and think. Small list of things include: Exact times, exact distances, acronyms, etc.
6) Try not to put too much attention on the rank of all your characters, unless it is important.
Hope this helps. Please don't say "My story sucks don't read it" in the comments.
134218
Added a story description, still getting used to how FimFic works.
135187
Thanks for all the advice, I'll keep this in mind when editing future chapters. I have to admit, the further I write into this story the more I look back at what I've written and say "did I really write that!?" so I already think my writing has benefited from this.
wow, i think you got bombed...nnope no bad comments, but a .5 rating D:
137849
hah, lol I thought it was a tad harsh but it doesn't bother me that much mainly because the first chapter is quite terrible. I think the way I thought of it is kind of the exposition of the exposition so with hindsight I could've structured the story better
But as I said this is my first ponyfic and really the first big writing project that's gone over 5000 words so I'm happy to take it as a learning experience.
Don't know why I used a moustache there - I just love moustaches!
137931 Well it is quite good considering
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