Mr. and Mrs. Cake, through an unfortunate accident, have passed on, leaving their two young twins behind. The two have incredible abilities, having more raw skill at flying and magic than any other pony at their age. Sadly, a godfather was never chosen for the twins and they are handed over to their closest relative, Cheaps Cake. He has plans in store for the twins, most of them with ill intentions in mind. How will the two escape their oppressive, dreadful lives and who will help them?
Picture credit goes to Mazzlebee on DeviantArt
Chapters (3)
And so Pinkie went into deep depression, never realizing Cheaps Cake lived next door to the bakery
I hope you keep going with this, My interest is piqued.
I shall continue this. The next chapter is well under way. My favorite part is that I think I may be the only author to do a Cake twin fic yet. And no, Cheaps lives far from Ponyville
BUCK YOU CHEAPS CAKE!
I did all my planning ahead of time, for once. This story is going to be like 15 chapters long, so buckle up everypony. I'm finally putting some length in my work!
Dear Cheaps Cake...
Die.
183374>>183974 I'm glad I made him hateful enough to get responses from the readers. He gets much worse. Think of Huck Finn's dad, except he never does it drunk.
Since you asked for them...
You seem to only break up in to new paragraphs when another line of dialogue occurs. This leads to some very intimidated blocks of text, such as ""Oh!" Pumpkin perked up...until he was completely invisible."
Remember that because your readers are only reading <5k words at a time, they're not in full reading mode, so big text blocks are not exactly easy to deal with. Completely apart from the intimidation factor, remember that paragraph spacing conveys the passage of time. Each new paragraph is a "beat".
You should look into getting a darker picture for this story; it is tagged sad, but has a picture of cute happy babies, not adequately warning people to be prepared for "the cakes get adopted and abused by their adoptee"
Your plan may have this all worked out, but at the moment it seems like Uncle Cheaps' motivation is "I'M EVILLLL!"
358334 Thank you kindly. Essentially, Cheaps is just a bad guy and is making money off the kids. It's hard to find a sad pic of them. And I have always been bad with writing walls of text.