Mentors
Twilight pushed her way through the last layer of ferns edging the Whitetail Wood, took a few steps and then stopped. She looked over her shoulder, obviously impatient at the slower pace of her companions. While they were still mostly shrouded by the thick leaves she could clearly hear their voices.
“Very much so,” Grogar answered the filly’s unheard question.
“So...I’m gonna have to get some bells?” was Apple Bloom’s follow-up question.
“They don’t have to be bells,” he replied.
“But you use them,” said Apple Bloom.
“I didn’t always,” said Grogar.
“You didn’t?”
The ram chuckled once, “As hard as it may be to imagine, there was a time before anyone used metal.”
Apple Bloom’s voice was tinged with awe, “But then what did you do for the music?”
Grogar’s voice took on a distant quality, “A long, long, long time ago I had a set of pipes.”
“You invented plumbing?”
Grogar’s responding laugh sounded relaxed, happy, and very much alive. “No, no. Pipes like a flute. Each with a single note, tied together into an instrument.”
“Could you show me how to make one?” she asked.
“It would be my pleasure,” the god said warmly.
By now Twilight had noticed that there was a distinct lack of noises associated with walking through foliage. She rolled her eyes and cleared her throat. The noise of rapid, crunching steps resumed and the pair shortly emerged from the undergrowth, both looking a bit sheepish.
“I’m going back to my library,” Twilight informed them. “Where are the two of you headed?”
For the next few moments, Apple Bloom passively awaited her mentor’s answer. As the comfortable silence stretched into awkwardness, the filly glanced questioningly over to the ram. Grogar was calmly sitting on his haunches and when Apple Bloom caught his gaze he looked down at her, silently and expectantly.
"Oh!” Apple Bloom exclaimed as she realized that she was the one to decide where they were headed.
Twilight watched as the filly spent the next few seconds wracking her brain. A short amount of time later the girl’s face set in decisiveness.
“We’re heading to Zecora’s,” Apple Bloom said. “There’s a...there was a village out in the Everfree Forest. There’s a lot of ponies stuck there. They need my help and Zecora might be able to help us help them.”
Twilight’s brows rose in surprise. “Are you sure, Apple Bloom? That could be pretty dangerous.”
The filly stared at Twilight like she had grown a second head. “Seriously?”
“What?” the unicorn asked.
Apple Bloom glanced over at Grogar. The two seemed to have some sort of nonverbal conference. It ended with Apple Bloom snorting single ‘ha’. “It’s ok, Twilight. We’ve got this.”
Twilight sighed at the observation that Grogar was already beginning to rub off on the filly. “Just what the world needs,” she thought, “two of them.” “Ok, I guess that’s it then.” was Twilight’s reply. An uncomfortable moment of silence passed. “Soooo...it’s been..., ” Twilight searched her brain for a non-offensive term. A modern turn of phrase she had heard Rainbow Dash use came to mind. “...real.”
It was Grogar’s turn to snort in amusement for no reason discernible to Twilight. “No, not entirely. But that’s ok.” In a more serious tone, “Are you sure you don’t want to come along? There’s much you could learn.”
“I’m sure,” she answered. “There’s something I really need to take care of, right away.” The unicorn wrestled with the next sentence but eventually decided to speak. “Um...next time the two of you are in town...”
“Yes?” Grogar prompted with an innocent expression on his face.
“Next time you’re in town, I would be ok if you wanted to stop by the library. You know, to say ‘hi’ or something,” she finished.
He replied by playing coy, “I’ll think about it.”
Twilight turned her eyes away from the deity, uncomfortable admitting that she may have been overreacting to the ram’s infuriating ways. Her eyes were immediately captured by the horizon. Deep in her bones, she felt the moment of dawn arriving. This sense was something she had retained since her last adventure involving Grogar but, due to her nocturnal study habits, she was rarely awake to witness Celestia raising the sun and wanted to cherish this moment.
Nothing happened. The sky was still stained robin’s-egg blue in the east but the sun lingered behind the horizon. Her eyes grew wide as concern began to rapidly grow within her breast.
“What’s wrong?” Apple Bloom asked her.
“The sun, it’s...” In that moment dawn broke in its usual radiant glory. “Oh, I guess it was nothing.”
As Twilight turned back to her companions she thought she saw Grogar’s brow furrowed in worry. An instant later, all trace of the expression was gone.
“We should get going,” the ram said without any inflection.
Twilight nodded and turned to start galloping back towards her home.
---------------------------------------------------
She threw open the door to her beloved library with a twitch of magic as she arrived. Her eyes immediately sought out the balled up letter from Luna, hoping to rescue it from the fireplace and read it immediately.
“Spike? Are you home?” the unicorn called out.
“Twilight!” the dragon shouted from the kitchen. “You’re home!” he yelled as he ran to her as fast as his little legs would allow. Upon reaching her he buried his face in her chest and hugged her as hard as he could.
“Hey Spike,” Twilight comforted, surprised by the intensity of the drake’s greeting. “You ok?”
He squeezed her once more for good measure and then let go of the unicorn. Taking a step backwards into comfortable conversation range he lied, “Yeah, I’m fine. I was just worried about you.”
“It turned out ok in the end. It looks like Apple Bloom is going to be fine.”
“Um, what about Sweetie Belle?” Spike asked - with affected nonchalance.
“She’s ok too, Spike,” Twilight answered with a smile. “Though you should probably check up on her tomorrow.” The unicorn then realized what time it was, “Er, I mean later today.”
“Well ok, if you think it’s a good idea,” Spike feigned indifference was comically transparent.
“Sure, Spike. Hey, where did you end up putting that letter from Luna?” Twilight said while looking around.
“Er, letters? I mean letter? Um, what letter?” Spike lied, badly.
Twilight walked over to the fireplace into which she had tossed the thing in a pique of rage. Her heart fell as she saw the fresh ashes. “Oh, Spike! You burned it.”
“Um,Twilight, it was in the fireplace.”
She groaned, “I know, I know...it’s just that I was wrong to throw it away and had hoped it was still here.”
Spike was torn. He knew now that the letter hadn’t been for Twilight but he also hated not knowing anything beyond that single word he had read. “You could write her one,” he suggested.
Her eyes brightened with hope. “You’re right!” she exclaimed. Twilight then galloped over to her writing desk, not wanting to have Spike write this one for her. She grabbed a quill in her aura and drew the implement across the page with blinding speed. She wanted this note in Luna’s hooves now.
Dearest Luna,
I have made a terrible mistake and have hurt you when all you’ve given me is love. I was being unfair to you, holding you responsible for actions that were not your own. While I cannot promise to never make this kind of mistake again, I promise to try not to. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and give me the chance to learn from this.
With love and hope,
Twilight
“Spike!” she called while blotting the ink dry. “Send this to Luna?”
“Ok, ok.” the drake agreed while ambling over to her. He shook his head at the vagaries of romance and the pendulum-like dynamic between these two mares.
Visualizing the intended alicorn recipient Spike blew out a tongue of green flame. The letter caught fire and lay on the ground, burning. He and Twilight looked at each other for a moment before stomping out the orange, mundane flames.
“Spike, what did you do?” Twilight asked.
“Nothing, I mean nothing new. I did it like I always do.”
Twilight eyed her charge for a moment before returning to her writing desk and scribbling another copy of the letter. “Here, try again,” she ordered.
Again, the letter simply burned.
Twilight’s eyes began to bulge with panic. She turned back to the desk and wrote a single word on a page of paper: “TEST.”
“Spike, send this to Celestia,” forgetting all honorifics in her agitated state.
Spike made sure to concentrate fully on the task before him. He visualized Celestia, every hair and hoof, and then reached out with his flame. The letter vanished in a swirl of green smoke. “Oh,” was all he could say.
Twilight’s face was drained of hope and her shoulders slumped. ‘I...I guess she broke off the connection spell. I deserve that.”
Spike warred with himself, wanting to both protect and please his de facto mother. After watching Twilight deflate he caved in.. “Twilight? Maybe we could send the letter to Luna by way of Celestia?”
She looked at him over her shoulder. Only a faint glimmer of hope was left in the eye that was pointed towards him. “Do you think that would be ok?”
“I don’t see why not,” was the drake’s simple answer.
Twilight drew her head up and squared her shoulders. “Ok, one more time,” she said out loud to herself as she approached the desk again. A third copy of the letter begging Luna to take her back was written by horn. After rolling and sealing the scroll she wrote “To: Princess Luna, ℅ Princess Celestia,” on the outside. She vastly preferred that Celestia not open and read her letter pouring her heart out to the goddess’ sister but at this point it was a risk she was willing to take.
With a nod to Spike, she levitated the scroll in front of him. He obliged and sent the desperate letter on its way. The two of them then stood awkwardly, not knowing what to do next.
“Um, it might take a little while for the Princess to sent the letter over to Luna,” said Spike.
“Yeah,” was all she said staring at the young dragon’s mouth.
“And then she has to read it, and then write a reply, and might take some time to think about what she’s going to say...” Spike left the sentence hanging with the implication that they should perhaps go do something other than stare at his mouth clear but unspoken. “Come on Twilight, this is getting creepy.”
“Guuugh, fine!” Twilight conceded. She decided that the time spent waiting for a reply would best be used for a badly overdue shower and headed to her bathroom.
------------------------------------------
A whisp of green smoke gathered above Celestia’s head, about six inches before and above her muzzle. The letter from Twilight precipitated from the vapor and fell amongst the shattered remnants of her desk. The early, yellow sunlight blended with Celestia's golden aura as she grasped the missive with her magic, retrieving it from the still-smoldering ruins of her study. The most powerful mare in existence struggled to hold the letter still enough to read.
Seeing the address, she sighed and broke the purple wax seal with a pulse of magic. The scroll dipped from the effort.
The goddess' blood-shot eyes crawled over Twilight's letter. Finishing, she shut her eyes and dropped the paper to be lost among the thousands of semi-charred pages fluttering about in the morning breeze.
"Too late. Far too late," she muttered to herself voice breaking from the weight of her emotions.
After several moments of searching the rubble she found an unscathed sheet of paper and quill that wasn't too badly damaged. She swiped the soot from a spot on the wall and pinned the paper to that single clean space. She poured her remaining energy into the effort of moving the quill smoothly, emulating her normal horn-writing, and penned:
My Faithful Student,
I am sorry to say that I cannot deliver your letter to my dear sister at this time. Upon returning from Ponyville, Luna announced that she was taking an extended leave of absence and did not leave any forwarding instructions for her mail. I believe solitude was her goal. I will turn your letter over to her staff and it will be waiting there for her return.
I do, dear Twilight, have my own reasons for writing you. I am coming to Ponyville tomorrow with a very important visitor. I apologize for the short notice but this matter cannot wait. We will be arriving by chariot at noon. Please bring all five of your friends and meet us at the meadow near Fluttershy’s home.
Princess Celestia
Celestia rolled the paper into a scroll and sealed it. She closing her eyes in unaccustomed concentration as she used an unusually large portion of her power to sent the letter on its way.
----------------------------------
Grogar and Apple Bloom watched from the edge of Sweet Apple Acres as an orange mare with a bright yellow mane, unaware that she was being observed, moved from tree to tree within the orchard. The giant ram seemed fascinated as he watched Applejack at work. The farm pony would go up to a tree, sniff it, gingerly bite the bark, and then knock softly against the wood with her hoof while pressing one ear up against the plant.
“What is she doing?” he asked his yellow companion.
“She’s checking up on them. She seeing how they’re doing for water, fertilizer, and minerals.”
Grogar shook his head in amazement at the display of such skill applied to such humble work.
“Is she my mom?” Apple Bloom asked, out of nowhere.
“She raised you from a foal,” was his answer.
“No. I mean, really my mother.”
“She raised you from a foal,” Grogar repeated.
Apple Bloom stared daggers at the great ram.
He sighed, “Does it matter?”
“I don’t know but that’s for me to figure out, not you.” she replied with confidence.
Grogar smiled with equal parts amusement and pride. “Your talent is seeing something that, while true, most can’t. Truth is something rare and precious, Apple Bloom, and talents like that are very, very rare. When they do present, it often passes from parent to child.”
“Yeah, I thought so,” she replied.
“Then why did you ask?”
“Making sure. You are supposed to be my teacher now.”
Grogar frowned, “Perhaps we could refer to this as an apprenticeship? Teachers bring to mind chalkboards and multiplication tables.”
“Apprentice and master? Nope,” countered the filly. “ That sounds like I should be stealing bones from the local graveyard and then waiting on you hoof and mouth.”
Grogar’s reply was a pleading look that was made utterly ridiculous by his size, fierce mien, and scourged eyes.
“Ain’t gonna happen,” repeated Apple Bloom a moment before they both broke into chuckles.
“Fine,” Grogar agreed. “How about a mentorship?”
Apple Bloom tried it out, “Grogar is my mentor. Ok, that works. Mentor and ment-” She stalled out looking for the proper suffix.
“Mentee,” Grogar supplied.
“I guess it’s better than ‘Apprentice’,’” Not entirely liking the proper term for her role.
“You’re stalling,” said Grogar.
“Yeah? So?” Was her playfully insolent answer.
Grogar’s reply was to swat her on the rump with a hoof in the direction of the farm-pony.
The filly yipped and at a gallop quickly neared Applejack. The farmer’s head turned away from her tree inspection when she heard the noise of quickly approaching hooves. Her face lit up at seeing the yellow filly so soon after her departure.
“Apple Bloom!” the mare shouted in excitement while holding out her hooves to receive a tackling hug. Her face and hooves fell when the filly slowed down and stopped a couple of meters away. “Apple Bloom?” Applejack said again, this time as a question.
“Applejack. I don’t have long, seeing as me and Grogar are just passing through on our way to Zecora’s.”
The mare nodded cautiously in reply.
“That being the case,” the filly continued, “we don’t have time to get into things right now like we need to.”
Applejack’s coat paled.
"I’m sure you had your reasons for lying to me and everybody else. That don’t make it right, though.”
“I’m so sorry-” the mare started, only to be cut off by the filly.
“Lemme finish. It ain’t right and we’re gonna have a long talk about it the next time we get some sit-down time together but I wanted to let you know...that I forgive you for lying to me.”
Applejack remained silent as tears started.
“Also, I ain’t gonna start calling you ‘mom’. That’s just weird,” said the filly as she cautiously approached within hug range. “I love you sis.”
“I love you too, AB,” Applejack replied as she pulled her filly into a rib-crushing hug and wept in relief.
Both mares heard a low-pitched snuffle In the distance. Looking up they saw that a magma tear was burning a smoking path down Grogar’s face. Apple Bloom smirked.
“Orchard, tree pollen, allergies,” the god lied - badly.
----------------------------------
Spike hadn’t expected an answer within the next day, let alone within the next few minutes. The belch of fire took him by surprise, incinerating the comic book he was reading. In the comic’s place was now a scroll bearing the solar seal.
“Gimmigimmigimmi,” Twilight exclaimed as she galloped headlong down the stairs while dripping water everywhere.
Spike wisely stepped away from the letter and out of the line of the mare’s charge.
Gripping the letter in her aura, Twilight cracked the seal and read. “Oh,” Twilight said as she finished the letter. She read it again and one more time afterwards to make certain she hadn’t misinterpreted anything. She released her telekinetic hold on the paper and let the scroll drop to the floor. Without a word or look to Spike, she climbed the stairs leading to her bedroom, tail dragging along the floor behind her.
Spike stared after her for a moment and after she passed from view he took up the opened letter. His young features scrunched in consternation as he read the text. He looked upwards, as if he could see through the living wood to his almost-mother’s bedroom. Resigning himself to duty, he placed the letter in the file cabinet where Twilight kept her correspondence with the solar diarch and then headed out of the library to let the others know that their presence was needed tomorrow.
Twilight heard the door to the library open and close and welcomed her own solitude. She contemplated emulating Luna and taking her own “leave of absence” but immediately dismissed the thought as irresponsible. She had commitments here: her studies, her job, Spike, and her friends. The unicorn threw herself onto her bed as a flash of anger passed through her. Part of her envied Luna’s ability to just drop everything at a moment’s notice. Another part thought it highly irresponsible to the point of being uncharacteristic for the diarch. The anger was immediately followed by guilt as Twilight postulated that her poor behavior must have deeply wounded the alicorn, to the point where she no longer cared about her so recently resumed duties.
After spending several minutes in a funk oscillating between anger and guilt, Twilight reached out with her aura and pulled one of the large collection of planners from the shelf above her bed. The one she gripped was embossed with a thin crescent moon. In the empty space within the arc the images of a fork, knife, and spoon were crossed. As it floated over into her line of sight, she flipped the book open and looked for today's entry.
She read the entry in a sad and wistful tone. “Dulse.”
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Kendandra · 267k words · 415 21 · 8k views
- Biochi · 9.7k words · 139 5 · 2.9k views
- Mekon · 23k words · 264 10 · 5.5k views
- CloudMagnet · 21k words · 487 17 · 7.9k views
- Equus Pallidus · 80k words · 263 15 · 4.6k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.153 seconds
Total duration
590 users online
828,019 hits today, 1,892,089 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
No, the only reason I'm calling for your head is the whispers of Tyrantlestia coming to bear on the readers.... *grumbles like an old man* fucking hate it when Celestia goes all 'it's for the betterment of everypony, [they'll]/[you'll] do what I say, because it's the better method! And oh, let me demean Luna while I'm at it, because she hasn't had ENOUGH shit thrown in her direction in the last 1,0XX years!
Yeah, that's why I want to strangle you. Fuck this mockery of Celestia. Plus, how frank you were with it was downright retarded. That is all.
I'll keep my eye peeled for the sequel, just like I did after reading Titanomachy.
Kinda wanna murder celestia right now. It's bad enough she turned Luna into a statue, but then she mocks her while she's trapped? That's just mean. If twilight finds out, she's going to be in a world of hurt. Also, grogar crying is hilarious.
only thing I'd probably change is make Celestia a little less candid and more serious. Her actions and words compared to her last appearance doesn't really feel like it matches up.
I also really want to see Applejack get what's coming to her for all that stuff, so I'll look forward to the sequel.
Very nice ending! Wrapped things up pretty smoothly I think, and I'm finding myself rather liking Grogar as a character. I really am looking forward to the next story!
Celestia must really be desperate to go so far as to imprison her sister (however temporarily) in order to do what she thinks she must to save Twilight. I was surprised a bit by that last chapter, but after a little thought I can attribute it to Celestia loving Twilight Just That Much. Discord, of course, would exploit that little chink in the armor to dig into Celestia's psyche. Good thing Equestria has Fluttershy, eh? :)
Well, Celestia. Surely, you realize that Twilight will be furious at you once all this is over. I'm sure she'll get over it, but still.
2293438
That's what I was going for, but maybe I should look into making that clearer. I didn't want to go full on Tyrantlestia.
Maybe remove the pluralization? I really enjoy dolma, but I think that it sounds much better to eat an entire plate of "dolma" rather than a bunch of "dolmas". Personal preference on the way the plural is spelt, I guess.
Also, will you be rehashing the events of "Keep Calm" with the twists necessary to incorporate your canon, or will you resume afterwards, with a small recap that highlights any changes and the constants?
Edit: Hang on, doughnut comes after dolma alphabetically... And I recall her tasting curry relatively recently, so....
Mmmmm grogar, sneaky Celestia, Luna frozen in the block of ice and Lei *cough* Twilight will surely come to her rescue.
Please DO continue.
2293502
Dammit.
I think the last paragraph is a date they had planned.
You've made me hate Celestia. Poor Luna.
2293470
Maybe a little more attention to the conversation/conflict. Celestia seems to jump to the "carbonite option" (to reference a recent comment ;) a little quickly, but I'm not entirely sure what to suggest aside from dragging it out a little more? Maybe cut back on the taunting in the final chapter (Celestia's stressed, yes, but being antagonistic seems a little out of character) and show Celestia deciding it's the only choice left to her?
Ok, the last word is now Dulse - an edible seaweed. Bonus, it actually comes AFTER doughnut.
Will there be moar Grogar in the next story?
2293596
Taunting. Is it reading like that because we (the audience) can't hear Luna's half of the conversation?
2293602
If I can possibly shoe-horn him in. I really enjoy writing for him.
I'm planning on writing a non-fannon fluff comedy piece inspired by a throw away line (Discord's bowling team). There will be plenty of Grogar in that one.
2293639
You would think that if there was anyone who could muck up, and WOULD muck up Celestia's plans, it would be Grogar.
If you can't tell, I'm NOT rooting for Celestia here.
2293376>>2293391>>2293401>>2293438>>2293444>>2293580>>2293596>>2293658
Is it any better now? I didn't intend for Celestia to be quite so much of a B*** instead of a desperate parent trying to save her child at any cost.
2293692
I still want Grogar to fuck up her AND her plans.
I really like Grogar.
2293692
That was the sense I had before, but it's much clearer now and not as condescending towards Luna (and what condescending there is, is very obviously borne of fear for Twilight).
...
Did, did we just become editors?
2293692
Yes, that's MUCH clearer. She's much more clearly grief-driven and I'm getting far less of a sarcastic vibe from her words. A good change, in my opinion.
Also, is it just me or is something eating your quotes on some of the sentences in the past few chapters?
Alright! The final chapter of this story! Here's what I felt about it....
Firstly, in general, this chapter actually had a very relaxing feel to it - it was actually a very nice break from the excitement that's been going on. The whole story had a very slow-pace to it, to a point where I wanted things to be big and epic, and now, after the big events of the past couple of chapters, I'm happy that everything feels peaceful and slice-of-life...interesting.
Apple Bloom really feels like she's growing up, and it's nice watching her relationship with Grogar grow - in a way, they parallel Twilight and Celestia, and AB even seemed to grow a bit of sarcasm that makes me think of the former. In a sense, it reminded you of who this story really was all about, and I"m happy that there did seem, indeed, to have a feeling of "completeness"....Apple Bloom doesn't want to go home yet, because she has initiative and things she wants to do...but what you've shown here, makes me feel she's going to turn out alright. I'm happy these two had the focus, and Grogar indeed is also growing on me more and more, especially with tearing up
.
Good that AJ returns, and I"m happy there was resolution on that front either....that AB seemed to figure out the truth on how she's really related to her....and though she can't quite call her "mom", she does seem to make it clear that she loves her and the relationship between them isn't strained -- like Grogar said, in a sense, it doesn't matter...yes obviously it does, and it's good that AB wanted things to get cleared up, but the point still stands: They are family, and it's wonderful to, in a small way, see these two make peace with eachother. It almost seems to be an overarching them of this story.....forgiveness, making amends....It certainly is heartwarming when you look at it like that
.
Grogar remarking that AB also has the gift of truth....she's really grown up in this story, and given that this all really began when she got her cutie-mark, it certainly should be -- for everything that has happened in this story, and for the things still to come, it's wonderful to see Apple Bloom's progression like this...she's changed more in this one story than I've ever seen her, though I suppose in fairness, I've never really read many stories with this much focus on her. The future is uncertain, but I didn't feel a sense of foreboding whatsoever, even though she wants to go to a certain village....this is her life now, and though she is still young, I felt like everything is going to turn out okay for her future
.
Now, moving to Twilight, she's weeping for Luna, as I expected, and it's so wonderful to see her writing her feelings down like that
...it was a big chapter, the last one, and a lot happened that I can see if someone got confused, but I figured that, on top of everything else, Twilight would understand how difficult it was for Luna in the olden days, and though perhaps her flaunting those past victories isn't wise, she understood why things happened the way they did and that she could do well to make amends with her marefriend, as much as she is making amends to everyone and everything on the part of all of Equestria. Indeed, she did seem to come to that realization, except....
Well, there is no way around it any longer -- I have to admit, I didn't fully understand what exactly happened to Luna on my initial read...I thought "frozen in alabaster" simply meant she went pale-white or something....looking at other people's comments, and the subsequent revision, It's now very clear to me
. Do I like Celestia like this?
Well, I want to be fair.....yes, it's a bit of a shock given we've never seen her portrayed like this in your works thus far...however, I'm trying to look at this from the context of your own work and nothing more -- other people may despise "Trollestia" or malevolent presentations of Celestia because they feel it's unfair to her (for me - it depends...I've seen good reasoning on both sides and it really depends on the story)....here though, we've seen nothing like this so far, and in all fairness, we know fully well what Celestia is capable of -- while Luna may have, inappropriately, bragged how it was defeating everything that was a threat to ponydom, Celestia was nonetheless right there with her, and fully expressed that she lived some entire lifetimes filled with turmoil and blood: It's wrong to forget that Celestia has another side to her beyond the infinitely patient and wise mother.
It still nonetheless doesn't take away from the shock of this moment - I saw both versions of the scene before you changed things, and I do agree that this latter version seems less cruel and better expresses Celestia almost like Applejack in all honesty -- a mother bear who is instinctively lashing out to protect her babies at all costs....of course, like with AJ, such good intentions could still otherwise hurt people who don't deserve it (trying to "cure" AB from her talent, lashing out and attacking Luna, insulting Twilight in that she needed to be taken away for "protection), Celestia just committed something that will have ramifications for a very long time to come: The relationship between Celestia and Luna is clearly good....it's been expressed that way in these two stories...but you obviously have to question the delicacies of their relationship, and Celestia has now, for the second time, turned her magic against her baby sister in such a manner....
How do I feel about Celestia? Shock, but also pity.....because, as expressed before, this is a mare who has completely given up - she's not doing this because she's proud of it, but because she sees no other way out of this (unless she's just being blinded, and as Discord/Luna/Harmony have noted, she can be quite the thespian
), and I did get that more with the revision....that, she's not happy with herself right now, but she knows she has all the time in the world to make up with Luna when it's all over (and part of her probably rationalizes things in that, with their ageless lives, they might as well make up given that they are all they have in the world)....and the same goes for Twilight as well -- like Applejack, she is simply doing everything she can to make things better because she so overwhelming loves her sister/"daughter".....it will have massive consequences, she's not entirely omitted from trouble or is arguably even correct as emotion is clearly coloring her greatly....but I can't outright hate or her despise her for what she's done here, because it's obvious she's not being a bully.....she's just (or feels anyway) out of options 
.
Tying in with the canon is nice...I like how this will take place right before Discord is freed, and in general, it's wonderful to see the rest of the Mane 6 brought in who I'm not sure we've seen since the beginning of Titanomachy, so it's been that long...granted, the focus is on Twilight, largely, and the other Gods, but it would be nice to remember they existed, even (and perhaps especially) with Twilight's ascension around the corner. You've already essentially made it plain that Friendship is her forte, which is nice given that you've at least expressed that which the silly canon even hasn't.
The ending, honestly confused me....was that planner just a planner? Or was that actually Starswirls book? and "Dolma/Dulce"? Either way, I had to look up those words, though apparently she's just eating something...I wonder if the three utensils crossing eachother were meant to represent Twi/Celestia/Luna, or that I'm just overthinking it.
Which leaves me to the one final thing I wanted to get too.....I honestly don't understand what Luna did, because she apparently did something - she lit up the stars, which Twilight noted and cried when she saw....but I'm honesty confused on the real significance of that - it's not like she actually placed Twilight in any sort of danger, or was in any way responsible with what happened recently with AB and Grogar...I just don't get what Celestia is referring too. You deleted this bit though in the revision, so I probably shouldn't even be asking.
And that's it, which only leaves the story as a whole to comment on
I'm not sure if this story is actually better than the prequel or not. I think that Titanomachy was probably better, but if so than, it only by a smidge. I greatly look forward to the next installment of this series.
2293692
It's much more clear as to her motives, but I still hate it on a personal level. You've taken three characters to such extremes in this story that stretch and bend the fabric of belief (Applejack, Celestia AND Twilight), to the point that I really cannot see why you would do it. I know the point(s) you were trying to achieve, however... In AJ, she completely disregards both her sibling/familial bonds, as well as those of her friendship, and does some really stupid things. Rarity does as well, to a lesser extend, when she demands Sweetie to stop seeing AB. The general view of these six is such that nothing, not even Discord himself, was able to fully drive such a wedge between them all as you managed to accomplish. With Twilight, it's rather obvious, the whole 'situation' with Luna only exists because Twilight acts (reacts?) in the most extreme manner.
Now, to Celestia and Luna. Okay, so you've got another bond that you're completely throwing to the wind here. I don't recall if you mentioned their ages in Titanomachy, however, this sibling bond is amazingly strong. Then, you have the child/mother relationship of Celestia and Twilight. Celestia WOULD NOT throw away the relationship with both to 'save' Twilight, I'm sorry, but it's just not the most believable course of action. She is a cool calculating individual that thinks things through!!!. She would have gotten both Twilight and Luna together and talked to them about the events and actions necessary to keep Twilight safe from whatever was coming up. Not waylaid her sister, and somehow overpower her with a spell (power disparity as well, that seems off) that turns her into a statue, which might as well be re-imprisoning her within the moon. I mean, she would never do that to her sister again, yet here we are. Putting Luna right back in what is probably still THE biggest fear of her life. The inability to do anything.
Plus, your plotlines for this story, you claimed three major ones were the focus, and the Twilight and Luna one felt like it got beheaded. Whether you had this planned out, or what, there wasn't much on this end of the three. The AB, Grogar, and Necromancy plotline seems to have gotten off the ground well enough. It feels that, by using this title, you forced yourself to end a few things before they should have.
I'm sorry Biochi, I loved Titanomachy, but as a story, there's just too much wrong with Whitetail Woods for me to laud it as something that lives up to its prequel. You rely on too many extremes of both characterization and situations in this story to move it along, the likes of which can only be compared to when they were Discorded. It derails the flow and the limits of our belief while reading. I'm also certain I'm not the only one who thinks AJ needs to go and die in a fire for the issues that she created, yet again more extremes. I'm hoping you can look back on Whitetail Woods and see all these errors, and ensure you don't fall back into this rut when writing the sequel.
Now that I've thoroughly pokes numerous holes into this, I shall spare any further ones. Please, don't think I'm doing this cause I dislike you, I actually liked Titanomachy, I'm just hoping that this will help you when you start writing Pt 3.
Space
2294083
I never thought you disliked *me* just some approaches I take with my fics. I do appreciate the feedback, even when some of it feels like a gut-punch. I'll keep your words in mind when putting together my next fic.
2293692 Yes, much better.
I still want Celestia to get smacked in the face by a tuna.. a big one.. one of those 1000 pounders that are really hard to find.
I still really liked it! though I hope Luna has some... words for Celestia once she is free.
Though others bring up some good points about Celestia and Luna's sibling bond... I can see Celestia justifying this sort of thing to herself.
Need sequel NOW though!
Personally I loved this story.
When it come's to Celestia I think you handled her very well in the context of what you previously established in Titanomachy. It's a rather ironic that Celestia who had warned Luna away from getting attached to Twilight due to the pain her death would cause has ultimately (and somewhat hypocritically) fallen into the very same trap that she warned Luna against. As it was established in Titanomachy both Celestial and Luna (at least at the start) have a kind of sense of believing themselves to be (as Gods) above other peoples conception of right and wrong, and Celestia's own flaws also seem to play into this (pride, hubris, arrogance, and a sense of moral superiority that can be brought down somewhat when confronted with the most unwholesome things she has done/she is responsible for). So it is understandable that Celestia's love for Twilight combined with her own flaws blinding her, could take her to this dark emotional place that she has reached in this story.
They have both done some horrible things under the justification that it will help their subjects, but then have turned around and inflicted more suffering seemingly no other reason then to assert their own power and ego's (the torture and maiming of Grogar for example). The primary difference between Luna and Celestia is seems to be that Luna has by this point realized that many of her and her sisters actions where wrong and genuinely regrets them, wile Celestia instead tries to justify and/or rationalize them away, even going as far as to try to scour them from the history books. The exception to this rule is Harmony's death, were Luna still blames Discord and Celestia seems to blame herself at lest as much as him (this likely being the bases of her position towards him in this story).
I don't know why but I tend to like it when some stories examine some of the unpleasant or questionable aspects of Celestia's and Twilight's relationship. Particularly: Twilight's near unquestioning faith in Celestia's correctness or moral superiority which wile addressed in part during Titanomachy I feel should be examined some more as this series progresses, and makes sense when you consider one of the major parts about growing up is realizing that you parents are not infallible. The other is the way Celestia seems to have become the sole person Twilight thinks about in a parental sense. This may seem like a odd point but when you look at it a bit closer it can have some unfortunate implications. An example: way back when I was just starting to read FiM stories I came across a Portal crossover that I can't for the life of me remember the name of. Wile I found the story to be so so there was one part of it that really struck me when I read it and I'm somewhat sad this is not a angle that is examined more in that story and others. During the time GLaDOS has Twilight in a test chamber she asks her that one armor piercing question that was a emotional punch to the gut for Twilight: "When was the last time you wrote your parents?". This sense that Celestia has completely supplanted Twilight's parents is a aspect that I think should be looked at in some more detail mostly due to how easily it is overlooked.
I hope that the next major story you do in this universe is effectively a version of "Keep Calm And Flutter On". It would be great to see the interactions between the cast and Discord, and to see the episode handled in a more reasonable way then as it was (handle "redemption" of Discord in such a way as it is believable and has the gravity it is due), as well as to see Twilight learn more about the events of the past (her character development seem to be have three major themes: Her development as a Alicorn, her relationship with Luna, and learning about the mysterious events of the past).
On a less serous note: Grogar is best sheep, EVER
. Seriously you version of his is not only the one I think of whenever I think of the character but is also one of my favorite AU characters ever up there with the Lunaverse version of Trixie. I'm defiantly looking forward to the Discords Bowling Team. 
interesting closing chapter! spacecowboy has pretty much covered any critique i can think of (although maybe not to the exact same extent), so im not gonna go on a repeat mode here.
2293988
The planner was the alphabetized list of foods that Twilight had put together for Luna. Dulce was the next entry after doughnuts (Referencing Chapter 3, Crullity). Ah well, I should have guessed it wouldn't have worked unless someone had sat down and read the whole thing in one sitting. (Future mistakes to avoid.)
Wow, what Celestia did, it was kinda harsh
. To me, It felt a bit OOC, in a plot device way, but is your Celestia. I just hope in the next part you show how there was absolutely, positively, definitely no other way for Celestia to get to the Calm Down and Flutter On and Magical Mystery Cure events, without doing this.
2294881 I did remember that list, it was a great reference and not a mistake. You know? Some people will actually read this in one sitting.
2294881
Well, in a sense, that's your charm -- you leave the smallest hints of things and come back to them when we least expect them...so it pays to pay attention.
I also want to bring up how surprised I was with the ending....you made it seem like the story would end with Twilight's ascension, but that wasn't the case at all - strangely, I like that...perhaps part of the reason I feel ended up a less-than-dramatic note which was, in a sense, part of what this story was supposed to be - less epic and more slice-of-life than the last story.
In Titan i really really did not like Grogar ... now?
he is kinda cool ... OK .. he is very cool...
And then Celestia was Hal.
"This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it."
2295786
I dunno, I kinda liked Grogar in Titan, too. He wasn't the reformed god that he is now, which is cool in and of itself, but he had a certain.... ancient flare about him that I kinda took a shine to. He was like the "no-nonsense, plain truth or get out" kinda deity, know what I mean?
I would really love to see a sequel to this. A continuation from where it leaves off at the series finale, perhaps? Then again, Discord in your story is a bit different from in the series, so you could re-tell the whole thing, from there on if you want! I really just want Luna and Twilight to get back together, and to see Apple Bloom grow up and explore her talent!
K so spacecowboy hit on the most of the major criticisms I had, but here's my two cents anyway.
First off, yeah, pretty much everyone except Grogar, AB, and Sweetie Bell overreact to everything. Luna's not really called on it cause she has a good, understandable reason that makes it not really her fault, and in addition, she knows that she overreacts and tries to correct the problem. This is good. AJ, Celestia, and Rarity really don't have that excuse. Sure they're doing what they do for their charges, but that just gives them their reason and motivation. It doesn't justify their actions or make them right when their actions hurt the ones closest to them.
For Celestia, the thing that struck me was that she was subjecting Luna to another imprisonment. Sure it's not as long as the moon, or as brutal as the chains, but an imprisonment is still an imprisonment. Questions of power disparity aside (Titanomachy had Luna realizing her own potential as a goddess, but she gets dropped by Celestia just like that? Even by surprise, I'm not really buying it.), it also completely ignores the sibling bond in favor of the mother/daughter one. Even if I'm not an immortal with siblings who brutally killed their mother to stop Discord, the love I hold for my siblings is not insignificant when compared to my parents. My parents are fond of telling me that my siblings and I will always have each other, even when my parents are dead and gone. I think that would mean way more to immortals.
Twilight's extreme reaction was the driving force between the Twiluna plot, which culminated in her bascially realizing she had to have more patience, so hopefully you've started on the road to correct that in future stories. (I think it's worth noting that the lack of patience was something I noted in Titanomachy, but didn't really strike me as a problem just yet.)
Also, in chapter 3 Luna's food chart thing is on Bear Claws, which is nowhere near the D's.
2302234
Bear Claws are a kind of Doughnut.
2302526
oh. well then. I learned something today.
Alright! I said I would give a full review of this story, and here we go!
As a whole, I can say that I enjoyed it thoroughly....It was wonderful because, unlike Titanomachy, which I didn't have an account at the time, I was able to follow this story along as it was being written and posted regular reviews for every chapter. Inevitably, comparisons will come up that compare the two...and what did I think of this story compared to your previous story?
In all honesty, Titanomachy grabbed me more - I'm not sure why....It wasn't like I don't enjoy the style that this story went for: going for a much more personal story, rather then a big epic like Titanomachy went, but I'm not exactly sure those labels are even right: Titanomachy focused on Twilight/Celestia/Luna, and was very simple and clear-cut...it had Celestia's pain, and the story went from there, showing off all sorts of developments and implications drawing from it. Some, people liked more than others....for example, people weren't crazy for the bits with Applejack, even though I get why that was included....in a way, this story's premise was also clear-cut, with Grogar being assigned to help Apple-Bloom...
And yet, in many ways, I enjoyed The TwiLuna more than I did worrying about those two....I enjoyed them in the previous story as well, but I never forgot Celestia, and Discord was always around.....
I remember, at some point in the story, wondering if you were lost - when Twilight first "shifted", I began to get excited....and toward the end of the story, I really began to get excited - perhaps in some sense, that was it.....I had more to be excited in Titanomachy: Celestia's damage and her own worries, not to mention her dealings with AJ....Twilight and Luna's relationship, Twilight's own changes, learning about the Gods themselves and more on the history of Equestria, Tartarus....I think that was what drew me into Titanomachy - it wasn't necessarily an "epic", but there certainly wasn't a lack of things going on (and while there was plenty, it didn't make me forget the original premise, which, again, was Celestia's hurt), not to mention had a much wider cast of characters....
As before, this story, as a whole, was much much smaller on purpose, in order to get more depth out of those things - Twilight and Luna's relationship having a much bigger focus than before, and I loved it....but I wonder if, breaking it down, that was what made this story feel so slow and that you were lost -- because you had so many plot-threads left from Titanomachy, but deliberately weren't using them....you focused this story almost exclusively on AB's journey, and it felt very long waiting for things to happen....and it's not like things didn't happen, or weren't going on that weren't enjoyable....
By making AB's journey the centerpoint of the story, with Grogar teaching her....we know where the story will basically end, so it's just a question of how it will get there, which makes the journey itself what really matter....Titanomachy had that with Celestia, again: but barring her, we also had so much else going on that was compelling, as I went into, which didn't necessarily make me forget Celestia either.....here, as before, it's only really AB's journey and TwiLuna that really have any sort of focus, and in many ways, I enjoyed the latter.
This story is a much smaller story, a more personal story, and I love that, I love stories like that....for some reason though, I simply couldn't get the kind of enjoyment I wanted, probably because I had the previous story over my head so much, and I couldn't stop making comparisons to it. For example, I was wondering where Sombra and Eramus was the whole time, and only in the end, did it occur to me that you weren't planning on using every single plot-thread you left behind...which, yet again, given the smaller scope of this story, is only to be expected.
The ending though is actually something that caught my attention....because it brought me back to the Mane 6 and how, honestly, I can't remember the last time we saw them all together....it was back in the very very beginning of Titanomachy - I'm aware the that the focus of your stories is on Twilight, and all her dealings with the deities of Equestria, but it's nice to actually see them again....to have a sense of normalcy again - Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy for instance, is someone we've seen really nothing of....It's wonderful to see the Mane 6 together again, to catch up on everything since the Wedding...I guess to have a break from everything going on.
The characterization of everyone was great...I loved watching Twilight's progression (and her bringing about justice for seemingly everyone was incredible), and catching her mistakes with her relationship with Luna -- Luna, really, I felt was almost the star at times, because I guess I can't get enough of her really...you introduced Cadence, whose more lascivious then I've ever seen her
(
)...Grogar really grew on me, especially toward the end.....an end which shocked everyone with Celestia's action, but I don't see her in any negative light now - just a mother whose overwhelmed with concern over her daughter, and has now turned herself against her sister again...I just hope you highlight the consequences -- Celestia and Luna may be getting along, seemingly...but to do this to Luna, and entrap her in something arguably worse than the Moon....psychologically, that's more then heavy: it doesn't say anything good about the future of these two. Applejack was controversial for a lot of people, and I did like her being AB's mom....at times, yes, I felt she went too far (calling Twilight a threat to be hidden away was too much, even for me 
)...She has the southern conservative stereotype, yes, which in a sense is what you are going for...I only remind you to be mindful and remember not to stretch it too far -- all the characters are more that just their gimmicks.
I don't want this to go on forever, but I hope I said some meaningful things -- I think ultimately, the next story, should go more toward the way Titanomachy was...simply put, that story had a lot more going on - it's not that you have a world-shaking plot, as a more personal story can be just as great...but there wasn't as much going on, in terms of actual content, and I feel it was what made for the feeling of dragging out at times: Celestia's hurt was the focus of the previous story, but there was also so much else going on (which didn't necessarily make me lose sight of her), with a wider cast of characters who were, in a sense, more interesting. Ultimately, if you look at both of them side-by-side, and see what people loved about both of them, I think you can come up with a new story that captures best what people liked about them
Can't wait to see what happens next!
This will be a two-part comment. Part one will be criticism. Part two will be praise and... well, yeah.
I will try to keep my criticism to a minimum. The story wasn't perfect, but it is a far sight and a half better than anything I could write. Also, after 40 comments, you've already been beaten up enough to know what should change. Basically, the character distortion of Applejack, Rarity, etc., and Apple Blooms taking in stride of Applejack being her mom (with not even a dramatic gasp!), as well as what I saw as a somewhat abrupt ending are my only complaints.
Now, praise. Bask in it.
I can see how you might be able to end the story here, yet I find myself on the side of those who wish for a sequel for several reasons.
1.) Who doesn't like a good story? I know I do! And you, sir, happen to write good stories.
2.) The whole "imprisoning Luna for the duration of "Keep Calm..." to "Magical Mystery Cure" is a bit shady and I don't see Twilight taking it very well. I would at least like to see her reaction when she finds out.
3.) I would like to see better explained what exactly happens as Twilight fully ascends in your head. Here in the Titano-verse she was already sort of alicorn-y with the ending of Titanomachy and the dream-wings.
4.) I'm a sucker for happy endings, I want to see Luna and Twilight get back together. But again, this would force the whole "Luna was trapped by Celestia" thing to come up again. That is why you write the stories with creative resolutions and I marvel at them.
5.) More Necromancy! Apple Bloom and Grogar frollop across Equestria having undead adventures? Excellent! And Apple Bloom developing her gift into something badass and usable... (the whole winning of the battle of Minas Tirith in the Lord of the Rings comes to mind. Ghost posse!)
There are more reasons floating around in my head, but suffice to say you would make many people very happy by writing a sequel. In case you didn't get the point, this story was good enough that I just practically outlined an opinionative essay about why you should write more. Bravo! And keep 'em coming. I eagerly await part 3.
2392877>>2346416>>2302234>>2294776
Thanks, everyone, for the feedback. If you were around for when I ended Titanomachy, you should remember that I changed that ending quite a bit based on the feedback that I had received. I think its pretty fair to say that I write good climaxes but have trouble with endings.
Almost everyone who commented didn't like how I handled the Celestia vs. Luna thing at the end. I'm playing around with adding a chapter or sub-chapter to build up to this confrontation a bit more but that doesn't resolve the main problem: Celestia stoning Luna. I don't know if this is common to other writers on this site but I'm not actually wedded to the process by which Celestia stops Luna from interfering with freeing Discord and forcing Twilight's apotheosis. I just couldn't think of any better means by which to do so at the time.
So, does anyone have a suggestion for how to accomplish the same plot point without Celestia resorting to brute magic? The reason she has enough "oomph" to hold her sister (even temporarily) is because Luna entered Celestia's private domain without permission. My philosophy is that when you are a god rules tend to enforce themselves upon you; therefore, the universe itself dictates that Luna is less powerful than her sister given the circumstances of that scene allowing Celestia the power differential needed at that moment.
If I end up keeping the ending as it is, rest assured, Twilight and Luna will have their day and Celestia will rue it. But if everyone thinks that Cele is OOC for stoning Luna, does anyone have an alternative suggestion?
2395914
maybe Celestia could just get Luna to go vacation somewhere. Make the letter she sent to Twilight the truth, then just she'd "forget" to tell Luna Twilight called.
2395914
People are genuinely upset about it huh?
I can understand why, but I honestly like it, because I think it really captures Celestia's desperation: I've said this many times before, but I don't see her in a negative light....she is just a terrified mother hysterically trying to save her daughter - a mother bear lashing out at anyone or anything that comes between her baby....Celestia made the point well enough: Luna may love her, but Celestia raised her...we know how much Twilight and Luna mean to eachother, but Celestia's relationship is distinct and deeply emotional in a very different way.
Of course, does that mean Celestia is save from responsibility? Absolutely not...I empathize with her, because the point has been made well enough, across two chapters, that she is doing this because she has no choice - there are other Gods in the world, and though they love Twilight, the Fates have it out for her....and on the Discord subject, that's another thing they feel very differently on: Twilight told Luna about her meeting with Harmony, and we read in Luna's mind about the Discord's "hunt" for the sisters upon discovering what his wife/their mother had done.
Celestia and Luna have a very special and loving relationship, yes, but there is no doubt that they are very different people and, especially after the Nightmare Moon incident, it's one where they are walking on eggshells: they want to make amends, but in a lot of ways, they are the same as they've ever been, which is very often simply how people are. An example of the difference between them is how much Luna was running her mouth about her wonderful it was to subjugate (arguably rightly) everyone who was a threat to ponydom....Celestia showed more modern wisdom and compassion to Twilight, but it's a mistake to forget she, in her own words, spent lifetimes filled with blood and violence -- there is more to Celestia then the infinitely wise patient mother...and very often, we forget that.
Getting to one final point, I think what gets to so many people, is Celestia's bullying - it's one thing to do something because you feel you have too, it's another thing to do it in an antagonist way that just seems like cruelty....a lot of people already have bad head-canons of Celestia and passionately defend Luna: they don't like the big-sister bossing the little one around, even if the former is made to be desperate and having no choice, and the little one is in the wrong (in this case, Luna's good intention to not want Twilight to ascend, is correct because it could simply kill her...but she is going to die anyway, and it's worth a gamble if it can save her life - Celestia said she couldn't find anything else, but she's been wrong before). For me, I felt the same....I can understand desperate, but the original version had Celestia behaving too mockingly.....this is about Twilight, about saving her life -- not about Celestia bullying her little sister....
You have to remember Biochi how much people hold Luna to their hearts - in a recent polling, the State of the Herd 2013, Twilight/Luna/Fluttershy are without a doubt the most popular, most identified with, and the three fans want to see most in an upcoming episode. Twilight is who everyone loves next, and Fluttershy/Luna flip-flop depending on the question, but these three are biggest if those statistics mean anything....a lot of people empathize with Luna and see her as an ideal of this - this super-powered Princess of the Night, the little sister, creative and dreamy, unappreciated and lonely....they see Celestia banishing her, though it was necessary, they see a big-sister bully who is perfect, and everyone loves, proud and arrogant...
Yes yes, I know this all sounds like generalizing...and I don't want to put words in people's mouths, but the point is, Celestia has a negative perception and you don't want to perpetuate that...at the same time however, it's a mistake to think Celestia cannot be cruel - because as before, she spent lifetimes of war - there is more to her then the white benevolent goddess of the light.
I'm going to wrap this up and say that I like what you have - you've done a good job expressing that Celestia isn't a bully, though she can act that way....she is concerned for her daughter, so much, that she is just like Applejack in this story - so concerned for AB, that it often leads her to say and do especially stupid things: it doesn't make her a bad pony, but certainly doesn't absolve her from her really dumb mistakes.
Celestia sealed Luna in stone because she felt she had no choice....is there another way? She's not perfect, it could be true...she is desperate to save her Twilight who she loves in a distinct motherly manner, contrasted to Luna's recent romance which she actually downplays sarcastically...she promises to awaken Luna when this is all over, and undoubtedly will....but after Twilight is presumably saved, uncaring if both of them hate her for what she has done: as she said, at least they have all of eternity to express their feelings, as opposed to silent death. Tragic? Yes, and exactly benefiting how Celestia would think.
In all honesty Biochi....keep it, I like it the way it is -- it expresses Celestia's desperate love for Twilight, her own tenuous relationship with Luna and the gulf that lays between them despite the growing amends...Celestia is sarcastic with Luna here, but for some reason, I can't find myself wanting to change that: is it really that much of a shock that Celestia has this side to her? especially to her little baby sister? No,it really shouldn't be....it shouldn't be a shock that Celestia has these antagonist sides to her....she's made her point that Twilight is running out of time, and Luna has run out her patience....and while Celestia is not absolved from responsibility from what she has done, I can understand her enough that, in all honesty, I really don't want to change this.
If something must be changed, simply downplay the sarcasm a bit: Is it really necessary for Celestia to chide Twilight's letter and say how "sweet" it is? At the same time, this sarcasm just doesn't strike me as shocking...it can be, and certainly is a contrast, and yet, looking in-depth...I'm not surprised to this as part of the rift between the siblings.
No, as a whole, I wouldn't change anything - just that you bare in mind how important this is, and delve into it in the future...whatever happens, Celestia is putting it all on herself (just like she wanted). There are no right or wrong answers with this, and I like that.
2395914
or another option, some kind of dreamless Sleep spell. Its not as brutal as the "aware stone imprisonment thing" but its similar Honestly, this is where I thought you were going at first, and was then surprised by the stone thing.
Edit:
2396058
and just so we're clear. Its a shitty move to try and dismiss perfectly legitimate criticisms with "Its just Luna fanboys being fanboys." Sure I think Luna's best pony, but its also true that she was brutally subjugated in the last story, and you didn't see me complaining. Sure here its partly because its Celestia, but not from a "how dare the evil Celestia do that" feeling, but from a "hey doesn't Celestia love Luna as a sister and yet is subjecting her to what might be one of her worst traumatic experiences, AS well as keeping her away from fixing her relationship? I would NEVER. do that to my little sister." perspective.
And there are other options than, "turn her to stone". fuck, I've just suggested two in the last half hour.
Woah, hold on a second
First of all, it wasn't my intention to generalize - I'm aware it may have seen that way in my post, and I even said it that it can be seen that way: in other words, I was not, and am not, trying to put words in other people's mouths, or make assumptions/conclusions, though I did try to break down how a lot of people look at the Celestia/Luna dichotomy.
Luna means a whole lot to just about everyone: we all love her, and as before, if the State of the Herd 2013 statistics mean anything, actually much more then I personally would have ever expected...given what else the statistics say, like how the vast majority of the bronies (the ones who took part anyway) fit the rare INTJ personality type, who they identify with, who love the most etc etc....I think, again without pulling out head-canons or fanon, but analyzing these three side-by-side, I feel you could make a pretty consistent profile…and if bronies were asked how much they personally identify with said-personality, I wouldn’t be surprised if many of them said they felt it hit the nail on the head: Twilight Sparkle, with a big brain and bigger heart…neurotic, perhaps overly-intelligent, but ultimately well-meaning, though perhaps lacking in social skills….Fluttershy, who can be frightened by so much, yet always assumes the best in others, is super-sweet to all and especially with animals, and arguably has issues with anger and the need to assert herself….Princess Luna, who is one of the super-powered rulers of Equestria – Princess of the Night, jealous and angry at not being noticed or appreciated by others for her creations, redeemed and loved again…
It is not my intention whatsoever to demean or generalize, but basically to understand more -- point blank, Luna means a lot to, well, everyone, and Celestia (or Trollestia/Molestia) has never exactly been favored all that much by a lot of people (I don't share that sentiment, or in Applejack who shockingly is more unpopular than I thought if these stats are to be taken as proof - Luna has taken her place in the Mane 6!
)....It's important to better understand why, so we don't necessarily have unfair perceptions on things: again, I am not trying to generalize or put words in other people's mouths.....notice I never used the term "fanboy".
I did not try to dismiss "perfectly legitimate complaints"....shoot, I didn't try to dismiss anything: just to advise the author, Biochi, that a lot of people are upset about Luna's treatment, but that the reasoning behind it may not necessarily be fair, and it's important to consider these things lest he make unnecessary changes -- No, I don't think Celestia is an immaculate angel in the least (in fact, I like what happened here because it reminds of that), but that doesn't mean she needs to be demonized.
I've already expressed the tragedy of the scene many times - that Celestia is like AJ in this story, and is lashing out at the people she loves out of sheer terror and concern...Applejack was terrified for Apple Bloom, who is actually her daughter here, and ended up saying to her dear friend Twilight, that she was someone who needed to be hidden away for everyone else's safety. Did I like that? Hell no, Twilight was right to be fuming to something so insulting
...Celestia, in the same way, is equally hysterical: she's a mother who is flipping out because her daughter could very well die in the very-near future, she's done everything she can but whose only solution is a possibly fatal gamble, and her sister is intent on stopping her....she is intent on barring what could very well be what saves Twi's life.
Given solely the information that we have here, there are no right or wrong answers - they are both hysterical women arguing about how to save the girl they love, one says yes, the other says no...whatever happens, it's not going to end pretty. I'm not saying that Celestia is absolved for what she has done, quite the opposite...but I don't hate her for what she has done, nor do I hate her in general...I pity her, is what I feel, because she has now turned her magic against her baby sister for the second time, in a manner arguably even worse then the Moon: this is something that is going to have consequences, period....and Celestia? She says that she is willing to accept it, and doesn't care if Twilight and Luna hate her forever for it (which I'm sure is a lie) - at least they will be living and breathing.
This is my reasoning...Celestia and Luna are not perfect people, and it was my intent to remind Biochi that a lot of people may be upset about what's happened, in part because they already (overly) dislike Celestia and (perhaps overly) adore Luna, which we can argue if it's fair or not. It was not my intention to deride anyone as a "fanboy", but simply for him to take these things into account and why...so he won't be influenced to make undue changes. Trollestia, Molestia....I don't need to remind anyone how unpopular Celestia is....again, I don't share that resentment, but a lot of people do -- everyone has their own head-canons, and I try on principle to respect everyone for that, but I want the author to make the changes for the right reasons, and not because he was swayed by many loud voices who have preconceived notions about the characters which may not be all that fair
Biochi asked if Celestia was OOC....that question is actually irrelevant - what makes people upset is if Celestia was cruel....and I can't really say she isn't here.
No, she's not OOC, because I can understand why she is doing this, and I feel, to bring up the bigger picture, it's actually OOC to forget she has this side to her and to simply think she's the perfect white goddess that Twilight thinks she is, and forget the God-Queen that Helia could be....Was she harsh? Indeed, but I don't think you can get away with that without changing the scene entirely, or at least trying to downplay her attitude as much as possible. In my opinion, I wouldn't change anything....everything fits...I can understand wanting to minimize her attitude (indeed, I like the revision because she sounds less spiteful and expresses that she isn't happy about this), and as ever, she is not trying to be a bully.
Can't say anymore without repeating myself over and over again - this is simply my opinion.
Wow, great story. I loved Titanomachy and now being able to read a completed sequel really made my day (or probably week)!
I did notice a few little mistakes there and then: "who's" instead of "whose" and something the like, not really important. Or prepositions were missing. And it twice said "the Apple Bloom". That was a little weird. Also I think Sweetie Belle was written "Sweetie Bell" in C1.
Also: Another Sequel!
2498544
Thanks so much for all the catches!
MOAR!