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Chapter 1: Princess for a Day (or Twenty)1,430 words
Chapter 2: What Now?979 words
Chapter 3: Diplomacy, Confrontation, and Luna’s Ultimate Prank1,159 words
Chapter 4: Returning Home1,054 words
Chapter 5: Suddenly, a Wedding711 words
Chapter 6: The Moon has been Doubled!898 words
Chapter 7: Facing Your Nightmares1,186 words
Chapter 8: Reunion1,674 words
Chapter 9: A Lesson in Trolling, and Twilight’s Second Day1,239 words
Chapter 10: Diplomacy, Take 21,274 words
Chapter 11: I can haz Muffinz?1,340 words
Chapter 12: What About These Guys?949 words
Chapter 13: I can haz Muffinz!1,557 words
Chapter 14: War Preparations, and Meldo the Onion1,587 words
Chapter 15: I CAN HAZ MUFFINZ!!!1,730 words
Chapter 16: A Visitor for Derpy1,487 words
Chapter 17: Trollestia’s Revenge2,315 words
Chapter 18: Luna Woona1,724 words
Chapter 19: Foolish Desperation1,496 words
Chapter 20: The Royal Slumber Party2,620 words

Chapter 15: I CAN HAZ MUFFINZ!!!

Chapter 15

I CAN HAZ MUFFINZ!!!

Warning: contains no randomness, and no crossovers.

(But maybe some trolling.)

“Do we all know our positions?”

“Yes, sir!” The Element bearers nodded. (Sans Twilight, who was busy ‘helping’ Fake Derpy.)

“Good! Now just as a reminder, the primary objective is to prevent any collateral damage. Do not enter the fray yourself unless absolutely necessary.”

“Understood!”

“Also—and this is vital—make absolutely sure you will be outside the protective spell Cadance and I cast. You will need to stand a good distance behind us, but still keep well ahead of the guests.”

“Can do!”

Shining Armor was proud of the friends his sister had made. They embodied the Elements of Harmony well, and seemed to be quite good at following directions when called upon. As the former captain of Canterlot’s royal guard, he’d met many competent ponies, but also quite a few who were much worse at their jobs than these five. Hopefully Twilight would know her cues as well, and hopefully there wouldn’t be any mishaps.

Time Turner entered the wedding room. He examined his surroundings, considering how best to play his part.

The whole thing was quite unusual for a wedding. There were no bridesmaids. There was no best mare. And the closest spot for guests to stand was suspiciously far away from the altar.

Roughly half the guests had taken their places by now, and they didn’t seem to suspect anything.

As Time Turner walked down the aisle, he noted that there were eight notes placed on the floor, in the roped-off area between the altar and the guests. Each one said:

This spot reserved for Special Guest

They were arranged with four on each side of the aisle—one in front and the other three a moderate distance behind it.

Looks good, he thought, placing in his mind where Cadance, Shining Armor, and the Element bearers would be.

In some ways, Time Turner’s job was the most difficult. True, he didn’t have to do any fighting, nor did he have to project a barrier or wield a magical friendship-powered superweapon.

No, he had to do something much more terrifying.

He had to stand on the altar, inches away from that thing, and hope against hope that he didn’t get splattered. Everypony else was either a safe distance away, or had vast god-like powers.

He thought back to his hospital visit to Derpy. How it enraged him to see her like that. He then realized that of all the victims, past and potential, Derpy had gotten off pretty light.

He thought back to Cadance and Shining Armor’s wedding. The giant protective spell, that the exhausted groom himself had had to cast. The ragged, half-starved bride. The changeling attack that he himself barely made it out of unscathed.

No.

Time Turner felt a tremendous, unwavering resolve rise up from within.

Not again.

The Doctor walked up to the altar, and plopped himself down.

And now I wait.

“Why, Miss Ditzy Derpington Doo, you look absolutely Fabulous!”

“Thank you, small blue version of Celestia.”

Luna started to grumble, but stopped herself.

No. You are not the troll, stupid fake version of Derpy. You are the victim.

“You know,” said Luna, recovering in an instant, “speaking of Celestia, you should be honored to have her presiding over your wedding. It’s not every day Sister does such a thing!”

Eh. Been there, done that.

“What was that, Miss Ditzy Derpington Doo?” Luna looked at Fake Derpy inquisitively.

“I didn’t say anything! Weirdo...”

We’re back, Sister, thought Celestia.

Luna nodded subtly.

Soon, the four reached another back room.

“And now, we wait!” said Luna to Fake Derpy. “You and I, anyway. Celestia’s presiding over the wedding, and Twilight gets to take her seat in the front row.”

Fake Derpy scowled. She was starting to feel like Luna was treating her like a child.

“Now you gotta stay here, missy!” said Luna, “You know it’s bad luck for the groom to see you before you walk down the aisle, don’t you? Yes it iii-is, yes it iii-is!”

How much longer must I put up with these morons?

“Hmm, about 30 more minutes.”

“Huh?”

“30 minutes until the wedding commences, I mean,” elaborated Luna.

While Luna and Fake Derpy were talking, Celestia led Twilight to her spot. Almost all the remaining guests had arrived at this point.

“One more thing,” said Celestia. “I told your friends this also—use the Elements as a last resort only.” She then walked off to the altar.

Huh? Twilight was as puzzled as her friends were by that statement, but she didn’t have time to question it. A little short on information, she decided to look around to determine the best course of action.

The first thing she noticed was that her friends were already in their positions.

“Boy am I glad to see you five!” she said.

Then the stallion in front of her turned around.

“Twily!”

“Big brother?”

“Surprise!”

Twilight looked across the aisle and saw Cadance.

Cadance turned and looked back at her, with an expression that said uh... we’ll do the Sunshine Sunshine song later, okay?

(Yes, they will. And yes, you’ll have to put up with it.)

At the altar, Celestia leaned down to talk to Time Turner.

“Are you ready?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be, your majesty. Let’s do this.”

“You know what to do when I give the signal, right?”

“Of course—run like the dickens.”

Celestia nodded.

It’s time.

*Doooo Do Do Doooo*

*Doooo Do Do Doooo Doo Doo Dooooo Do Do Dooooo*

Fake Derpy walked down the aisle.

This is it, she thought.

I have put up with these fools for long enough.

I will finally take what’s mine.

Luna watched from the back of the room, smiling.

No ya won’t, she thought.

Trollestia may have won this round, but I’ll win that contest yet.

But first, of course, you go bye-bye, my fine insectoid friend.

Fake Derpy arrived at the altar. She might have noticed the strange arrangements, but she didn’t really care. After all, she didn’t need a perfect wedding.

All she needed was the Doctor.

Celestia cleared her throat. The room fell silent.

“Mares and Gentlecolts,” the princess began, “we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of...”

Celestia stopped. Time Turner’s heart was thumping in his chest, threatening to leap out of his mouth.

Fake Derpy looked at Celestia, wondering what the holdup was.

Celestia looked back at Fake Derpy. Words cannot describe the princess’s expression at that moment, but suffice to say it was the most troll-tastic face made by any creature, ever.

Celestia’s horn glowed incredibly bright, momentarily blinding Fake Derpy.

“...yes, Chrysalis, we know it’s you.”

At the mention of her name, a number of things happened very quickly.

First, Time Turner bolted off the altar.

Then, once the Doctor had made it safely past Cadance and Shining Armor, those two cast a barrier spell around Celestia, Chrysalis, and the surrounding area.

And finally, Celestia loosed a bolt of magic powerful enough to destroy the entire castle.

It didn’t, of course—that’s what the barrier spell’s for.

(See, that is why Cadance and Shining armor are important here—castles are fragile and expensive! And so are the ponies in the castle.)

The Element bearers began herding guests out of the room, though the guests didn’t need much persuading.

Celestia’s attack flung Chrysalis against the barrier, and forcefully reverted her to her true form.

The Changeling Queen fell to the ground. She looked up at Celestia, enraged.

Celestia smiled back.

Chrysalis gritted her teeth. “Why you little—”

Celestia cut her off, walking towards her while singing a rather creepy song.

“This day is going to be perfect,

the kind of day of which I’ve dreamed since last we met.

Now you’ve nowhere left to run, sorry Chryssie but you’re done,

Just who I am did you so soon forget?”

Chrysalis just stared at her. And then she regained her composure.

“YOU. RUIN. EVERYTHING!”

“Really?” Celestia stopped smiling. “I ruin everything? You kidnap my neice, throw her in a cave, impersonate her, brainwash and try to marry her fiancé—who happens to also be the best guard I’ve ever had and my personal student’s older brother—and when that fails you bring in an army to invade Canterlot! And then, when that doesn’t work out either, you beat up poor little Derpy and try to walk off with the Doctor so you can go back in time and try the whole thing again! And you say I ruin everything!?”

Chrysalis didn’t have a response to that. So instead she got up, her own horn glowing, and charged at the princess.

Celestia stood her ground, that wicked grin returning to her face.

At the moment of impact, they both vanished.

“We all clear?” asked Applejack.

Cadance nodded. “All clear. But keep your guard up.”

Celestia and Chrysalis were gone, but Cadance and Shining Armor did not dismiss their protection spell. The large, purple barrier remained, now empty, around the altar.

Unlike the others, Twilight had not been filled in on the whole of Celestia’s plan. She managed to pick up on it quickly enough, though. She figured that Celestia, master of teleportation, had chosen to move the battle elsewhere.

“So, what do we do now?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“We keep ourselves on guard,” replied Shining Armor, “in case they come back.”

“It’s not too likely they will,” elaborated Cadance. “At least, not until the battle’s over. But you can never be too careful.”

Twilight thought about all this. All the preparations made by her mentor, including the summoning of both the Element bearers and Cadance & Shining Armor, were only needed for the initial transition to some remote location.

The princess could have done away with it all, and a lesser ruler indeed would have. But not Celestia. She wouldn’t let her subjects be exposed to danger, even for a moment.

But what happens now? And when would Celestia come back?

Twilight’s guess was as good as anypony else’s.

Author's Note:

Sorry Derpy, but for this chapter Trollestia is best pony.