• Member Since 10th Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen Jul 26th, 2023

SubCinemaProductions


Come one, come all!

E

The year is 990.
Celestia is sending a beacon of light out into space quite regularly. She's trying to make contact with an old friend of hers. She wants him to take Luna with him. She wants him to break his vow of never returning to the moon.

She calls upon the Doctor.

Art credit goes here: http://ciscoql.deviantart.com/art/Princess-Luna-inside-the-Tardis-with-Dr-Whooves-388629525

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 6 )

Hmmmm 3 views, 2 downvotes, no comments? My curiosity is getting the best of me here.

edit: It's not a terrible concept. You're a bit rushed and your sentence structure is a little choppy. It's a little confusing and jumbled when Luna interacts with her younger self and I understand what you were trying to do there, but you should consider revising it and keeping it set on one perspective instead of bouncing back and forth. The dialogue feels clunky at this point as well and would also benefit if you kept it closer to adult Luna's POV. Try to avoid repetitive words and spice it up with some emotions or actions as they speak so you can avoid "talking heads". This is just a quick example of what came to mind after reading.

In all, I think you could have potential for a story here but I would recommend getting an editor to help you. Editors Dreamland is a small editing group I'm a part of and there's some pretty helpful people there if you're interested. Best of luck!

The story isn't that bad, but there's a number of issues with it. You need an editor.
I've edited a couple stories already, so if you'd like, I could edit your stories.

Extra text, but great story.
" great and terrible grand thing grand thing lay beyond"

Will this be continued? I really liked how things were going.

I feel there was an interesting prequel that no one wrote so.

Login or register to comment