This story contains my own OC.
Silent Night, a young pegasus that has been falsely accused of committing traitorous crimes against equestria and on the run from the royal guard, arrives in ponyville to seek refuge from the law. But as he stays longer and longer, certain things begin to change inside him.
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"Of all the trains passengers, one sat there, waiting patiently for all others to pass and his name was Silent Night."
This doesn't sound right, maybe like this.
"As all the trains passengers got up to get off the train one in particular remained seated, waiting paitentaly for all the other ponies to pass. He was a black pegasus with a black mane that had a single silver streak going through its center. His eyes were gold, his left eye was covered by his mane and his right eye had a scar going across it. His name was Silent Night.
It's a good start. It could use some work ... wait what. this is a romance? O snap, didn't even see the romance tag. I KNOW WHO IT IS.
Be careful of mixing up 'your' and 'you're', it can make it a bit difficult to understand what you are saying.
I'd go through again and make sure all of the names are capitalised. For example:
Rainbow Dash should be capitalised. You also missed a period, after 'Silent'.
On to the actual story. While I can accept that a pony would find Pinkie Pie grating, I'm not sure about Twilight immediately deciding that he was mean after he rebuffed her. While Twilight isn't the best pony for social skills, she does understand reading, and that interrupting someone when they're muzzle deep in a good book isn't always welcome.
It's also kind of funny how he just lurks at Sugar Cube corner for hours, for no particular reason. Why would he stay there? Had he previously made an appointment with the mayor, and he was just killing time?
Why is the mayor a real estate agent? She has enough to do, running a town the size of Ponyville. It is also odd that he would have the exact right amount of bits on him. Where was he keeping that many bits? Maybe he should have bought more at Sugar Cube Corner, to recompense the owners for him taking up a table for hours. He sure nursed that latte!
If he is 'weary' (or did you mean 'wary'?), I don't see why Silent would challenge Rainbow Dash to a race. That's hardly keeping a low profile! And I don't see why he would disbelieve her claim of doing a rainboom, as she's done it multiple times by this point. If you want him to come off as impulsive, you need to establish that.
Having your OC beat one of the fastest ponies in all of Equestria is a bit much, though. And having a special move that only he can do pushes him dangerously into Gary Stu territory... And then having one of the main cast fall for him pushes him even more...
Not saying that it can't happen, you just need to establish more than you have so far. I don't know who Silent Night is, I only know that he's running from something because I read the description at the start of the fic.
I like Blue Thunder's suggestion on how to fix the opening, it reads much smoother.
1807735 I'm tackeling you first, i will move on to someone else after.
This s a valid point but i wish to add my opinion. What if she read the title and knows what it's about? It doesn't exactly sound like a friendly book.
I believe it is stated somewhere that he is from another country. Maybe news hasn't spread that far.
Now on to the next person.
1807368 I thought this comment was rude and unnecessary seeing as it does nothing to help the writer improve the story.
At least 1807361 has SOMETHING constructive in his comment (even though i think he was a little rough as well.)
1809051
That is absolutely true! Unfortunately, I won't assume that unless you tell me. I think that would be a nice moment, Twilight being confused as to why this stallion was completely ignoring her, then noticing the title of the book, and being put off. It might also intrigue her a bit in Silent Night, but would definitely give her a reason to warn Pinkie away from this particular pony until she's done a bit of research on him.
Which is possible, I suppose, but fairly unlikely as it was one of the set pieces at the royal wedding. Unless it's in another country, there will be coverage like you won't believe! Remember when Prince William got married? I'm not sure where you're actually from, but if you were anywhere within the Commonwealth, there were television specials and magazines and even a poster or two.
Perhaps he disbelieves that he randomly met the pony who could do a rainboom, just outside of his house in Ponyville? What are the odds? Though the coverage would probably mention that they were the bearers of the elements, if he wasn't actually reading it, he probably wouldn't know.
Maybe he is critical of Rainbow Dash, and maybe he does scoff a little, but perhaps he keeps it quiet because he doesn't want to make a scene. He is a fugitive, after all!
Here is my suggestion, to help with the Gary Stu elements of your character. Perhaps, rather than having already done this mythical new thing, he is chasing after it. You did mention that he was from another country, there's no reason that they wouldn't have their own tradition of the Rainboom.
Rather than have him immediately challenge Rainbow Dash to a contest (and then winning), what if he was working for the weather ponies, and he was teamed up with Dash so she could show him around Ponyville? She's competitive, you could probably figure out a way for her to decide to 'test the new ponies' talents' and then they could race.
Maybe she decides to go easy on him, as just blowing past someone doesn't really let you do much to test their speed. Then she's surprised at how fast he actually is, and she eventually needs to try to beat him. And then she wins.
Now he's angry, because if he is indeed chasing this Thunder Boom, he'd know that he needs to be faster, and here's a pony who's faster! Maybe he's also a little pleased, because now here's a challenge for him, to help him improve his speed. And Rainbow is also impressed, because here's a pony who will actually push her to her limit and force her to get better.
They could then hang out together far more, and it would seem plausible. This would let the whole romance thing blossom between the two a little more naturally.
Meanwhile, Twilight would be getting concerned over that book that she saw him reading, and alarmed that Rainbow was spending so much time with Silent Night. There's some more conflict!
I don't know that this should happen all on the first day, though. Perhaps Silent Night and Dash have been teamed up for a few days, and he's starting to learn the ropes, and now she's going to test him.
I don't know if any of this fits in with your planned story! I was just thinking about it a little this morning, and here are some of my thoughts.
If nothing else, though, I'd suggest you go through and format your story properly. Make sure everything is capitalised properly, and you're using proper punctuation. Separate the paragraphs so there is space between each, otherwise it starts to look like a wall of text. Perhaps you need to find a beta, somewhere on the forums?
F'r instance:
Things I've changed are in bold. My browser spell check was catching most of these. P:
1809220 There are so many maybes. He could disapprove of mass media and not read the papers. He could believe it was all a setup to make Celestia or the bearers look good. I like the "he doesn't believe he randomly picked the town that the bearers happen to live in that also happens to be home to Equestrias fastest pegasus." theory. That sounds the most realistic.
1809242
Again, you are right. There are many possible reasons! I think they give us a bit of knowledge into his character. Without any guidance from the story, I don't know which is true, and I am just left with questions. While you can hint at things without giving a full answer, the story needs to feel like you will eventually get an answer... Also, that whatever action you were making unclear was actually important, and I'm not sure this particular point is.
1809313 Lol I think weve given him enough to work on ftm. I'm going to stop before he stops talking to me.
Btw Soviet Rainbow, I've finished the first chapter of my new Twidash The Amazing Effects Of Cider. Looking forward to your input.
That sounds like self advertising.... oops........
1809325
Haha! I've heard if a character starts telling you what they're going to do, it's actually a good thing!
Good luck!
Im favving to see if the author decides to clean it up a little
1817179 I don't know what your problem is. If the author has deleted your comment then how can i possibly read it? As for calling people stupid faggot's and retards, I take great offense to that seeing as my brother is mentally handicapped. Way to be an ass.
1809421 I don't know what your talking about.... I'm not crazy.......
Hi guys. Sorry for the lack of comments posted here, i've only been on for short time every so often. I thank you for the helpful comments and will do something about it ASAP.
And Liam Cahill, i havent even seen your post so the only one who could have deleted it would be you.
Again, thanks for the helpful comments and i'll edit ASAP