Dusk Quartz is a second lieutenant in the Equestrian Royal Guard. As a break from the daily rut of Canterlot life, he is asked to help out in the search for a filly named Applebloom in the nearby town of Ponyville.
However, once there, he and his partner Winter Dawn soon realize something is amiss in the quaint town. Ponies are disappearing, but nopony knows where nor why.
Er... Is that sufficient? I'm rather new at this, I usually write non-fiction... Also, the plot of the latter chapters is still rather fluid due to discussions with my editor in California... I'm sorry, please don't hate me.
Chapters (4)
Est-ce que vous parlez français? Je parle en peu, mais je ne suis pas... eh... fluent? Je pense que c'est le mot, mais... (Do you speak French? I speak a little, but I'm not fluent. I think that's the word I'm looking for, but...)
2102007
I have little knowledge of French, but wouldn't it be 'je ne pas suis' in that circumstance?
About the story, however; I rather liked it, and am curious to see where it goes.
'...he realized he was in his sunrise-lighted bedroom, sitting upright in his bed.'
Sounds awkward. Maybe sun-lit?
“Gah! Another nightmare? Seriously, I’ve got to pull together…”
Also a little clumsily worded. Maybe 'I've got to pull myself together?'
'...looked several hoofwidths taller as he stood tall, chest puffed out.'
Try not to use taller and tall so close to each other, it makes it awkward.
I will continue this at a later date. Do not think that my corrections mean I dislike the story, quite the opposite. You have mastered the art of grammar, something which is a rarity(If you'll excuse my pun) on this site. Keep it together.
You MUST continue this ASAP!
>>Arcanist Ascendant
No, the 'ne' and 'pas' go around the verb.
Haha, that was a fail attempt at pinging somepony, explain how one does that please?
2102202
Hover your mouse over the comment, the box thing appears around the actual comment post. top right of that specific box will appear a little chat bubble, click that and it lets you do the reply correctly.
What the? Where did all you come from? Oh, hi, Twizzledragon!
Don't worry about me finishing it, the story was finished several weeks ago. The reason for the gap between uploaded chapters is that it was not created for this page format, meaning I have to input a ton of codes. The reason why it was not uploaded before now was that it all goes through my editor in California (she does let the occasional error slip through, though, so I have to be on my guard myself), and she has been delayed with a few of the chapters. That is also the reason for the two-and-two chapter thing. To keep my Gmail from bursting I have to keep the files under 100 KB.
It will be finished in a couple days, once Jessic- er... Icewhip, my editor, is done with the last chapter. And then I need to remove a stupid photo of myself on holiday in Edinburgh from it...
2102035
Thank you, Arcanis. I won't change anything, this story is just a... uhm, does Fimfiction censor comments? Anyway, it is just practice, a mind-fart to get a little practice before my much larger series (which is hinted at several times in this story, especially the amulet, which is a plot point from later in the series). While I am a "proper" writer (I write articles and political analyses for my univerity newspaper, and am currently competing in the national essayist championship), I've never written fiction before, so I needed the practice.
Also, English is not my mother tongue, so some of my expressions may be a little awkward. My dad is Norwegian, so we only used that at home. I kind of forced myself to learn English by high school, and graduated with an A from the final exams, and the same for oral and written grades. Still my English may be awkward at times, because I write these things at night usually, and writing in a foreign language while sleepy is... well, hard.
2102007
A bit, Umberisk. I lived in France a couple of months as a teen, and I pick up languages fast. I also speak a little bit of German, Italian and Latin, and fluent in English, Spanish, Norwegian, Danish and Swedish.
I'm still worried about my French and Latin though, hence I asked for corrections.
Oh my, I pissed Aurora Dawn off. Yes, the Rainbow Factory writer.
MY LIFE IS OVER, I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT AURORA'S APPROVAL!!!!!!1!
Nah, JK. I'll go and apologize for whatever I said. Have a good day, you guys!
*Pokes TwizzleDragon* Eh, what about for the iPad?
*Pokes Claystead* I'm good at picking up languages, too. Probably not as fast as you, seeing as I'm only 12 and it took me a year and a half to get where I am, but enough to be helpful to my peers. I'm pretty sure what you have in your story is correct, but please explain the "vu" part?
If you're wondering where a sudden influx came from, that was probably my fault.
This blog entry.
@ Claystead
Nevermind, I think I get that part, but you may need a dash between "avez" and "vu," because it's inverted. And for your paragraph spacing, I think it's a bit odd. What you're doing is placing consecutive paragraphs like this:
Related paragraph one.
Related paragraph two.
Related paragraph three.
Related paragraph four.
Related paragraph five.
It's hard to comprehend the story like that. I think you should either do it like this:
Related paragraph one.
Related paragraph two.
or like this:
Related paragraph one.
Related paragraph two.
But you need to make up your mind. I learned to only do it this way:
1
2
3
4
5
(Break in story here, such as passage of time or change in character)
New place/time 1.
2
3
4
5
That method would flow like this:
Mallowfur jumped, then whirled to face the bush that had rustled and startled her.
"Who's there?" she snarled, eyes flashing maliciously.
Rivertail pounced, warranting a scream from the mouse that had wandered into her waiting paws.
She cut off the wail abruptly with a quick bite to the creature's neck, ending its short life.
See? It's easier to comprehend that way.
2107625
Oh, that is because the text wasn't written here at all. The format was very different, which presented some problems with conversion. But since I'm lazy, I just copied and pasted the whole thing without bothering to adjust the extra spacing that popped up.
Hey, you're a more experienced user than me, can you explain to me why all the emoticons here look like the ponies are suffering from massive diarrhea or constipation? I mean,
Hah, now you can never see them without remembering this!
*reads on in comments, as my internet connection chose this moment to fail miserably on me*
YOU'RE TWELVE?! You write as good a high schooler. My youngest brother is twelve (six years after their last kid my parents suddenly decided to have another one), and there's no way he could have made as advanced a statement as you just did. I don't even think he could understand it, that shiftless little bastard.
About the odd style style again, that is not completely the site's fault. I changed the layout on the request of my editor, Icewhip.
My original style was:
Action. Character.
Line. (Thought.)
Response.
But she requested I changed it to;
Line. Action+Character. Line finish.
Response.
(space)
Thought.
So yeah. I'm using essay-paragraphic form now. A space between lines mean a change of perspective or location.
And no, avez vu is the right order, if that was what you were trying to say. But is there a line; avez-vu? Or is it avez-vous? God, it's been too long. Explain it to me again.
@Claystead
Thanks. I was in Gifted Language Arts last year.
For the emoticons, I have no idea what they represent. I've only been a member since Friday.
As for French, I'm not sure. I'd ask Mom, but she's on the phone. Judging from the fact that it's about my sister's autism, I can safely assume it'll be a while till she's done. I think it might be avez-vous, but I'm not sure.
2107598
Oh, thank you, Arcanis. I'm still relatively unknown... But I have writing experience, and more importantly, connections and a plan. I have befriended the author of Second Chance, a 250-page block of a fic, that was actually set to release simultaneously as this story, but was put on hold for a few weeks to account for incosistencies with recent episode developments. It will go directly to EQD. As co-author (in reality I only wrote a couple of chapters, to make Celestia more interesting and the plot more fluent, but I'm still credited as such), editor-in-chief and primary preliminary reader, I will be on the top of the credit list. Also, she will recommend my stories to EQD.
If only I could have that last chapter back soon, I was actually wondering if I should give this thing a shot at EQD on my own. I've seen far worse stuff there (e.g. My Little Fanfic or The Friend Zone). Also... I have some... inside information... that I might be able to bribe my way in with.
2112898
No worries.
Also, may I leave a suggestion in the box?
Try to copy the paragraph format that others use. As wierd as it may sound when your paragraphs look like they do it deters people from reading it. It's unfamiliar and humans dislike unfamiliarity.
That is probably the biggest thing I would change, the rest is quite nice, minus a few errors.
"Also... I have some... inside information... that I might be able to bribe my way in with."
I didn't know our glorious fanon had a mob. I should have heard about it before, that stuff is my jam.
Also, if you want to get into EqD, really, really do an editing pass and change the format to standard. They HATE anything but the standard paragraph style, and even so, (No offense is meant by the following comment) There are too many technical errors to get in. I'd be willing to finish my proofreading if you feel so inclined to ask.
Could somebody please give me a link to Equestria Daily? I have no idea what the URL is. ^-^"
2113197
Go ahead. This was never intended for EqD nor Fimfiction in the first place, so I didn't bother changing the paragraphing from the Word document I used to move the file. But now, with Second Chance put on hold for several weeks more, to hell with it. Correct everything you can think of. I might as well fix the paragraphing thing, although the standard paragraphing used on Fimfiction annoys me almost as much as the one I presently use here. Waaaay too many spaces. As I may have said I usually write political analyses for the university newspaper and philosophical essays for competitions, and the typical style here is nearly heresy in those genres. But I suppose I'll get used to it.
Oh, and that information I sit on... Two words: Playable Ponyville
2118251
Here
Everybody who reads this:
Lost Souls Chapter 9 is back from the editor and will be published within 24 hours.
Is it possible to edit my chapters after I press "story complete"? Arcanis?
Wow. That was really good. Honestly, you are a fantastic writer and I like this style a lot.
2131802
Thank you. I am the seventh best essayist in the country, after all.
Ok, that sounded douchey. Ignore me, I'm just tired.
Now, to click "Complete"... Oh, wait, I must fix the other chapters up first. A second.
2131819 What country is that?
2131925
I should specify. Seventh best under 25 of age, according to the Free Word Organization. United States, to be exact, but I am not American by birth, just studying out of Boston. Not for long, I have applied for Oslo University in Norway come autumn. I chose to write the story in American form, partially because most bronies are American, partially because my editor, Icewhip, is American.
Man, it still feels strange to call her "Icewhip". We have been friends for several months now, so usually I just call her Jessie.
Anyway, I hope, you enjoyed my little story. As it was not a "serious" story, I packed it with references to the bronydom and literature. For example, Sunshine Smiles is the fanon-named guard who was pulling Luna's cart in "Nightmare Night" together with Frolicksome Meadowlark. Flora Nightingale references Florence Nightingale. And the first part of the last chapter is written in the style of crime author Jo Nesbo, and the code key is paraohrased from Blaire Pascal.
In case anyone wondered about the joke in chapter 8, it was (don't read this, Umberisk, you're too young):
A mare walks into a bar.
"What do you want today?" the bartender asks.
"A shot of aquavit, thanks." she replies.
So the mare gets her drink, and promptly passes out.
The bartender calls a cab, but then one of the guests suggests that they have some fun with her while they wait.
So they carry her into the back room, and the bartender and the seven patrons have their way with her.
The next night the mare comes in again. The bartender grins at the eleven patrons and asks:
"Whaddya want today, miss?"
"A shot of aquavit," she replies, and once more passes out after her drink.
So the bartender and the eleven patrons carry her out back and have their way with her.
The next day the mare comes in again, and the bar is filled with more than twenty patrons.
"What can I get you today?" the bartender asks.
"A glass of cider, please."
The bartender is surprised at this, and asks "Oh? Sure you don't want a shot of aquavit?"
And so the mare says "No thanks, just cider for me, please. Aquavit makes my hind quarters so sore."