Running from Twilight by Brony-Sibling
"STOP!" Twilight Sparkle screamed. "Or when I catch you I'll turn you into a MARE!"
You instinctively duck, and the purple-white "transmogrification" beam shoots over your head, missing you by mere centimeters.
"Urrgh!!" Twilight screams in frustration. "Just. Hold. STILL!" Each word is punctuated with another magic blast that barely misses, resulting in some very sexually confused birds, and one very embarrassed Applejack.
You take advantage of Twilight’s momentary distraction with a now VERY masculine Applejack to dodge around a corner and take off down a valley.
How did you end up like this you ask? Well, as very powerful magic user once said, “Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.” If only you would have listened...
So it all It started with your usual morning routine. You blearily wake up, look at your clock, grunt, check email, Facebook, fimfiction. Then head downstairs to take a shower and get breakfast.
You were halfway through your bowl of cereal when your computer beeped at you. It was a email from someone on Fimfiction with the subject line, "Want to be ponyfied?"
The email itself only said this:
"So?
-TS"
You smile, and briefly entertain the idea of this really being from THE "TS". As in THE Twilight Sparkle [also the best pony].
“Naw.”
You begin typing a playful email asking about the results, deciding to role play a bit and get some fun out of this. [Will it be painful, can I choose to be a Pegasus, will I have a cutie mark? Etc....]
Halfway into a paragraph, you simply delete it, then respond with one word.
"Sure."
SEND.
You close your laptop, finish your breakfast, and head to your room and get dressed. Right as you finished putting on your favorite Rainbow Dash hoodie you start feeling weird.
"Ugh. Milk was a bad choice..."
All of a sudden you feel it. Something is off. The hair on the back of your neck is standing up, and your body is suddenly filled with adrenaline. There is something dangerous and REALLY close.
You reach for a something to use as a weapon, but instead you suddenly throw yourself to the side. Your bed suddenly seems to implode upon itself and dissapear with a "VOIP".
There was only one explanation.
You are Spider-Man.
Or... You have Spider-Sense or something...
Regardless, something else is coming and your bed has ceased its existence. Also, your new "Spider-Sense" is tingling...
You have to get out of the house.
You are sprinting towards the door when everything starts shimmering, it almost looks like the entire house is made of melting jello! Just as you put your hand on the door handle, its too late.
The world goes black as you feel your very soul dissolve.
You wake up laying on the floor, a tingling feeling slowly fading from your bones as you wake up.
You slowly sit up wondering "What just happened?" As you are slowly getting to your feet you lose your balance and fall on your face.
"Owwww."
Then you realize it's not just you that is falling to the floor. It's EVERYTHING in your house! It almost looks like you are going through a massive earthquake... But everything is falling toward the center of the house instead of just falling arbitrarily in place.
Right as you could almost start swimming among the appliances, DVDs, and other household items, the bottom of the house literally rips open. The rip spreads until your house has completely been torn in half. When you are staring in unbelief through the new "window" you realize that your house is FLOATING in MIDAIR!
As you are falling through the hole you feel something grab hold of you, and you are dragged out from your floating new half houses. The half houses fall to the ground behind you with a massive *CRUNCH*
You are still being held in the air by something, but you can't see what is holding you. There is only a slight shimmer of purple around you that you can barely make out.
Suddenly you are drawn face to face with the most powerful being you've ever seen.
Twilight Sparkle.
It's. Twilight. Sparkle.
She smiles this positively adorable smile as a bead of sweat trails down her brow.
"Whew! I had a lot of trouble locking onto you! So I just gated your entire house here instead. I hope you don't mind... Hehe.."
Your mind is frozen. You couldn't say anything. You couldn't even reach forward to hug her like your Brony instincts were screaming at you to do. Instead you just stared at her.
"Well." Twilight said without missing a beat. "Lets get you ready!"
You are floated over to what looks like a primitive set of iron handcuffs attached to a block of old wood. Your hands are then locked into place by Twilight’s magic.
While it IS Twilight Sparkle, and you trust her (and that smile is SO cute!) you are a bit concerned... You’ve been teleported, had your house torn in two, and now are shackled to a block of wood.
That's when you suddenly find your voice again.
"It's- You're-You are real!?
Twilight smiles and nods as she checks a list with the word “Transmogrification” on the top
"So, wait, I was brought here so that I could actually become a pony if I wanted?" You ask.
"Not only can you," Twilight says excitedly."You are!"
"Just wait a second Twilight.." You say as you try to gesture with your bound hands. "I don't know anything about being a pony! I thought that email was a joke!"
"Well," Twilight says, "Even so.... Just think how fun it will be as a pony!"
"Wait a second..." You are starting to feel very nervous about this. "What's the catch?"
"Catch?" Twilight says while avoiding eye contact. "There's no catch! I mean... You are going to be a stallion in Ponyville! How many other Bronies would love to have the same opportunity?"
You suspiciously stare at Twilight "Why is it important that I'm a stallion..."
"Well... Um...." Twilight is now facing away from you and bashfully scraping a hoof against the ground.
Twilight whirls around to face you and blurts out, "Ponyville has a gender ratio disparity!" She lets out a nervous sigh and continues. "Mares outnumber stallions by over 3 to 1. This of course results in lack of couples, lack of foals, and unhappy mares! Other cities in Equestria are suffering the same problem!"
"So.." You ask, "What's the problem? Is it really that bad?"
"Bad?" "BAD?" Twilight's pupils dililate as she gets right in your face. "This causes the lack of a stable gene pool! Increasing birth defects and hereditary diseases! And lots of single, unhappy mares?! Yes that's BAD!”
"Sorry..." You mutter.
Twilight looks away in a huff and says, "And you Bronies always asume things... We are NOT LESBIANS!" Twilight begins muttering into her hooves. "Just because Rainbow is a tomboy, and I like reading books DOSENT mean that we are... UGH!"
Twilight spins back to glare at you with bloodshot eyes.
“So we need... no… EQUESTRIA needs Stallions to survive! It was a logical conclusion to increase our supply!"
At this point her eye starts twitching.
"So. Time to be ponyfied!" Twilight's yells as her horn begins to charge up.
"Twilight wait!" You yell as you struggle to escape your bonds, "I didn't agree to this!"
"Oh yes you did!" Twilight exclaims, levitating a printed copy of your emails transcript. "This is a legally binding agreement!"
"But it wasn't informed consent!" .You yell as you frantically pull at your bonds.
"Sorry" Twilight says, "I have to do this! For Equestria!"
Twilight points her horn, fully charged at your chest, and right as she is about to fire.... pauses.
"Oh. Right. What type of Pony would you like to be?"
With a burst of strength you tear the metal stockade from the wooden fastenings and bellow:
"AMERICA!!!!!"
"America? Is that Brony slang of some type? That wasn't one of the-" Twilight was cut off as you lunge forward and smack into her, bowling her over. The confusion and disorientation caused the spell to fire while narrowly missing you. Using the seconds of disorientation you take off sprinting.
Twilight stood up a bit shaky from the misfired spell and flying tackle feeling VERY frustrated. As she begins to frantically sprint after you she screams.
"STOP! Or when I catch you I'll turn you into a MARE!"
This was going to be a very interesting day...
The description alone grabbed my attention... adding to the read later list. kinda busy atm.
Putting in read later. Seems interesting, but second person stories don't always have a great rap
Favorited to follow the story, seems somewhat promising even with it being 2nd Person perspective. Might want to go through it and Ctrl + F for 'I', as there is at least 1 that slipped though early on.
Seems legit. Fav'd.
What's with all the brackets?
Bracket is no mad dog killer! He's after something!
1785386 OH! Thanks! I had a feeling I missed one...
HEH HEH nice C:
For America! *Guile's theme begins to play*
Watch your tenses. You seem to be primarily going for a Presence Tense, but there are Past Tenses slipping in. It also looks like where you've bracketed writing is where this occurs.
Faved
It's a unique premise. I was getting kinda tired of all the "YES I DO WANT TO BE A PONY WITHOUT THINKING OF ALL THE CONSEQUENCES THAT COME WITH IT" type of stories.
Oh, and America is best pony.
1787218 OH AMERICA! AHMEERICA! HOW GREAT (Ssomethingsomething) THOU ART! (I have a feeling I'm mixing up songs here...)
FROM SEA TO SHINING FLANK! AMERICA YOU ARE BEST POOONYY!
I am so totally making an America pony. I am an artist and I thank you for your inspiration.
OHNO! SOMEONE DISLIKED! *Whispers*[It's the islamians! they're after america!]*shot*
I normally try to stay as far away from human in Equestria fics as possible, but for reasons I can't begin to understand, this one kinda grabbed my attention. I probably won't be following it any further, but before I go I just wanted to say that I really appreciate that Lesbian Trend/Twidash slam. I fucking hate that ship (more than the others, anyway ), as I've seen it ruin so many potentially good stories that now even so much as seeing it implied seriously rustles my jimmies.
So it's good to know that there are still some bronies out there who really aren't all that crazy about it either. Thank you.
1787218 Thanks! I myself thought that at the very least not having my hands would be a huge reason to not be a pony... (And because of you I think I'll use America pony in my future chapters...)
1788676 Awesome! If you are on Tumblr let me know! I'd love to see it! :) 'MERICA!
1788849 Hehe. I actually like HiE stories, but I've read so many absolutely abysmal fics that I'm hoping I can avoid some of the cliches... Also I personally dislike the overall gay/lesbian theme in most fan fics. It feels so FORCED in so many that I generally don't even bother reading them anymore. It's like, "Oh! You introduced me to a fun book! Now we must make out." My response? Wut.
Even if you don't follow it, thanks! I'll do my best to avoid the horrible writing and clichés I've seen in the past! it's actually part of the reason I started writing this fic!
This can only lead to shenanigans.
1788849 It ruined the awesome story growing pains!
1789035 Umm... your youtube link didn't work FIX IT! FOR AMERICA!
1789035 Nope no tumblr, but I DO have a deviantart page: Kauris Azurai
1789452 Here you go citizen!
imagecache2.allposters.com/images/AGF/5819.jpg
Bald Eagle is best pony.
1791415 For God and country! For America!
lol I'ma liking this! MORE MOAR MOAR!
MOAR
Would a America pony be dressed up like Bandit Keith?
I will do it for Equestria and for all the virgin mares. ZAP ME.
Dis gon b gud
As soon as I read "AMERICA!!!!" I instinctively yelled FUCK YEAH!
"AMERICA!!!!"
I completely lost all control at that. I actually had people come check on me to see if I was alright.
AMERICA!
Fuck yeah!
MERICA! Run like the freedom that courses through your veins, bro!
'MERICA!
lmao, was that a "Two best Friends Play" reference?
*SPOILER ALERT*
This is a good story.
My responce is two words: FUCKING YES!!!!
"Oh, and what type of pony what would you like to be?"
Me: *Thinks, decides on 1st choice* "An alicorn, please."
"..." "Sorry, but I can't do that. I'm good with magic, but not THAT good with magic!"
Me: "Oh, okay. Unicorn then, please!"
"Alrighty then!"
Me, said in my head: "THIS! IS THE BEST! DAY! OF MY LIFE!
Edit: I posted this REALLY late the other day. I meant UNICORN. As much as I would love to be able to fly, I have always had a fascination with magic. Ironic that I want to be a Unicorn more than anything, since Rainbowdash is my fav
LMFAO I couldnt stop laughing as soon as I saw AMERICA!!!!
Oh man I had to take a 20min break just to catch my breath
Dat America line. I like the idea behind the fic though. Having the ponies aware of what the brony community is like really changes up how the story flow will go. Couple pet peeves though. Mostly your use of the parenthesis. Minor grammar stuff. I really look forward to where this goes though. Best of luck writer.
"Them you realise it's not just you falling to the floor"
"Slight shimmer of purple around you that you barely can make out"
"You are going to be a stallion Twilight places extra emphasis... quotation mark needed
.You yellas you frantically pull at your bonds period. Delete it.
Other than that put in more commas and work on the sentence flow. You don't need to put "you" before every speech and actions. But mostly put in more commas
Since we are going by this logically (also how is Twi making sure that they actually spread their genes? Is she just renting them out to mares?) wouldn't it be more logical to swap mares to stallions (logical I said, not smart) cut down one side and save energy (no massive interdimensional warp/teleport)
If I had no other choice in the matter, I would want to be Centaur
Usually in human-in-equestria type fics, the humans are like, "Equestria!! yay!!" this is different, this is not so "sure, let's do it", but more like, "crap, i was kidnapped..." me gusta broski
That stallion rant was really in character for Twilight. So far, good story. Have a Spike-stache.
Review of chapter 1, as requested:
Strong opening. Action, a threat, curiosity about why Twilight is acting aggressively.
Too many 'very's in the first 6 paragraphs.
Consider changing "How did you end up like this you ask? Well, as very powerful magic user once said, “Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.” If only you would have listened..."
to
"A powerful magic user once said, “Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.” If only you'd listened..."
So it all It started => It started
"It started with your usual morning routine. You blearily wake up," -- rest of sentence written in present tense, then reversion to past in the next paragraph.
Nice and terse. Could remove a few words more, but still very terse; many writers would have inserted paragraphs of unnecessary talk here.
All of a sudden you feel it. Something is off. The hair on the back of your neck is standing up, and your body is suddenly filled with adrenaline. There is something dangerous and REALLY close.
might just be
Something is off. The hair on the back of your neck is standing up, and your body is suddenly filled with adrenaline.
4 'suddenly's in 2 paragraphs.
Regardless, something else is coming and your bed has ceased its existence. Also, your new "Spider-Sense" is tingling...
=>
[nothing at all; sentence unneeded]
This section is broken up into too many one-sentence paragraphs. Some are great (There was only one explanation. /
You are Spider-Man.) Most are okay, but start joining some after "You have to get out of the house."
"She smiles this positively adorable smile"
Vague. Slightly more specific: "She smiles her positively adorable smile". Could still be better.
Some grammatical errors, some involving apostrophes, some involving sentence with quotations in them.
"You are floated over to what looks like a primitive set of iron handcuffs attached to a block of old wood. Your hands are then locked into place by Twilight’s magic." -- Jarring; why handcuffs when she asked your permission first and is acting friendly? You do want to have this in the story, but could use a transition, from Twilight initially assuming he wants to do this, to finding out he doesn't, to THEN using the handcuffs.
"AMERICA!!!!!"
Great line, but in comedy, lines like this aren't funny by themselves, they're funny because of who says them. Making this line really hit requires first showing that this is an expression of a funny character trait. Imagine Largo from Megatokyo saying this. THAT would be funny.
2 disorientations in one paragraph.
"Twilight stood up a bit shaky from the misfired spell and flying tackle feeling VERY frustrated." Should not POV Twilight in a 2nd-person story.
This was going to be a very interesting day... => This is going to be a very interesting day...
Good hook, good conflict, a lot of funny lines, a cliff-hanger at the end of the first chapter. The part after meeting Twilight could move faster if you removed some of the paragraphs & sentences describing "your" feelings. Some are funny and so should be kept ("hug her like your Brony instincts were screaming at you to do"), but some could go completely ("While it IS Twilight Sparkle...", "You are starting to feel very nervous", "You suspiciously stare", "You yell as you frantically pull at your bonds"). Joining some of these tiny paragraphs together would also make that section faster.
lolsnaps.com/upload_pic/Merica-38582.jpg
when i catch u ill turn u into a mare classic i luv it
love it that he screams AMERICA!!!!!
Okay I was hesitant at first because I was worried about that this brony was going to turn into a pony no matter what, but after skimming a few chapters it sounds like a fun adventure to read, I just hope he never really does turn into a pony. If he does and it's not temporarily, well, at least you have my like for a brony trying to get away from that Twilight.