-WILL EDIT THIS STORY LATER- (Someone gave me a critique for it, so I'm going to edit this and change it up.)
Rainbow Dash comes to spend time with her best friend Fluttershy, when suddenly she forgot to something very important so she goes out in a horrible snowstorm to retrieve it. Things takes a sudden sad turn of events when Rainbow is gone for a loonnngg while....
(this is my first fanfiction, so please critique it. I want to become a better writer too, and I really want someone to like my story. :) )
Chapters (1)
2 downcast thumbs and still no feedback...
Expect a semi-thorough review/critique when I find the time. (Hopefully sooner than I am expecting.)
I will give ya feedback, and I will do my best to make it informative for you.
Hi-ho, Deep Pond, formerly of the Train Wreck Explorers here! I have a snazzy hat and everything, and I'm here to give your story a good lookin'-at. You want critique? You'll get critique!
i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll29/Lord_Talisman/mlfw5283-Fluffle_letsdothis_zps81d6c5cb.jpg
Title
Nothing to say here. Decent title.
Description
See the underlined part? It looks like you dropped a few words there. Also, that sentence is a bit long; consider breaking it into two.
You've just told us something awful is going to happen to Rainbow, which reduces the tension. Also, just say "long." Stretching the word out looks silly.
Chapter 1
Okay, you have no chapter title. I didn't even know you could do that.
Is this the section title? Your fic isn't even 3,000 words; does it really need internal section titles? I'm a touch confused.
I don't think "questionably" is the word you want here. If Angel does something questionably, that means it's questionable whether he will accomplish it, or how good he is at it. Angel could make a questionable sandwich (meaning a slapped-together sandwich that's not very good), or deliver a message of questionable origins (meaning you can't be sure who it's from), but he doesn't watch questionably. Perhaps curiously? Inquisitively? Concernedly?
You're repeating the word "nervous." Consider using a different word.
Show, don't tell. You're telling us that Fluttershy is nervous, and that her questions don't help. First, we know her questions don't help because she's not getting any answers to them. Second, don't just tell us something: describe it. Describe Fluttershy's anxiety. Explain how she keeps glancing out the window every few seconds, how she dances in place, how she can't make herself stand still, how her mind keeps returning to thoughts of Rainbow Dash. Describe the appearance and emotions involved.
Angel's narrowed eyes and his knowledge are not related. Either put them in separate sentences (Angel narrowed his eyes. He knew . . .) or insert a semicolon (Angel narrowed his eyes; he knew . . .).
Don't overexplain. We know rolling eyes are a cartoon sign of dizziness. Also, if this scene is from Angel's perspective, don't shift to Fluttershy's in mid-sentence.
Exclamation points should not be used outside of actual dialogue.
"Ebony" and "black" are redundant.
Angel has slapped Fluttershy before; this ought not to shock her. Surprise her, maybe; disappoint her, certainly. And I seriously doubt that Fluttershy, Kindness Pony, would think of Angel as "cruel."
Ponies do not celebrate Christmas; they celebrate Hearth's Warming Eve.
This feels extremely casual, which is weird for an omniscient narrator's perspective. It's almost like it's being described by one of the ponies there, rather than being described objectively. In particular, the bolded parts seem clumsy to me.
The party about Lyra being upset "how she offered" is just wrong. It should be "Lyra was upset because she had offered," or something like that.
I personally dislike seeing fandom memes like "20% cooler" in my fanfics, as it snaps me out of the narrative.
I don't have time to review the entire story, but hopefully this will be helpful. Good luck, and keep writing!
Deep Pond, Knight of a Fallen Kingdom
1736751
Thank you. <3
1736701
Thanks!
1736751 gah a SHUDAWADOO
1736751 [youtube=L__bLaxjaz0]
1737828 ...Yeah...Deep pond already stated a lot of the technical stuff. But allow me to bring a few more things to mind.
1. This scene here:
Are you trying to do a FlutterDash or is this more of a EPIC FRIENDSHIP type of deal? Because my interpretation of the story differs pending on that.
2. This.
You just obliterated any feels I may have possibly developed. You have also given me reason to believe you are a Troll with that ending.
~IF YOU ARE SERIOUS ABOUT WANTING TO IMPROVE: just have "THE END." You need not try to lighten the mood by bringing crude humor into it.
It ruins any emotion you may have been trying to develop during your story. Besides, it was a Good end, not "BAD END."
~IF YOU ARE A TROLL: You're going to have to write up the story better than that. Also, you're going to have to build it up so much more before you throw it on the ground.
(ie. RD actually ends up dying; something along those lines.) However, I do not think you would use a troll fic to start off your literary career and then ASK FOR POINTERS.
(Unless you are an evil genius troll...GOOD-GOSHEDY!)
In any case, you need to address those two points I brought up as you revise. And in either case, I shall do what I can to assist you.
Keep writing my friend, I'm sure you'll become rather good.
I read through this while extremely tired so right before sleeping i was like what a sweet flutterdash story so far... like fluttershy yells i love you and rd wakes up.
Rereading there really are things to work on but the commenters before me went into massive detail already!!!
Its cute. Minus the mistakes.
I know you just want to have everyone picture what you invision... but catch yourself when you describe something in a long run on sentence in a circle. I have a great imagination that gets what you're trying to say if you said it in a simple way.
lol i think i just did an example explaining what you do. Ahhhh ha i am still tired.
Regardless, i shall wait to see how you progress and how flutterdash comes to be! <3
1740365
I'm not a troll, I just wanted to write The End like that just in case if someone is like, "That was the worst fanfiction ever."
And I really don't know what to do for that scene. Do you think it should be FlutterDash or a stronger bond of friendship? I'm still going to edit this fanfic, so I can alter everything if you want.
1745596
Then I'm afraid you would only justify their decision. Pulling a "Whoops! Got ya! It was a troll fic the whole time!" while it was actually your honest effort is merely lying to your audience and to yourself. If we deem it to be "the worst fanfiction ever" (which I highly doubt, I'm sure SOMEWHERE out there you'll find a piece of fanfiction that is far more worthy of the title.) do not shy away from that; embrace it and ask for assistance to make it better. That way we realize you are serious and you are willing to put in the effort. Do not be afraid to be rebuked; it is all a part of learning.
As nice as it is to see a novice doing what they can to make a story more appeasing, do not think that means you have to pander to the wants of myself or anyone else. It is YOUR story; I may bring things to your attention, but in the end you decide what you want your story to be about.
I brought that scene up just because it's a point of confusion that would be good to clarify. Either way can work and I'm sure you would be good either way you go. I will add, however, that you will have to write them in their respective ways in order to properly build the relationship.
So I ask, what do you feel would be better: a ship fic, or seeing if you can actually pull off that "EPIC FRIENDSHIP" way to go? Actually, better way to describe it: Do you want their relationship to be romantic, or sisterly? Which would be closer to what you originally wanted to portray? Only YOU can answer that question. We may be able to tell you how you can make it better, but we cannot tell you how you should write YOUR story. So it is all up to you; I'm sure you will do well.
I love th story
