“And so Twilight found herself back at the library, her heart still pounding her and mind aching as she tried to come to terms with all that had happened. Applejack, her honest friend, had turned her family into her minions all in an attempt to make her extended family jealous. And not the good kind of minions that cower when they are suppose to and can be easily be knocked down by a judo chop to the throat.
“However, despite this setback, Twilight Sparkle was not deterred. She was going to throw a wonderful Hearth’s Warming Day party and she was going to spend the time with her family… and not let them judge her or hate her because of her life choices.
“Thus, Twilight went to Sugarcube Corner to talk to her friend Pinkie… for if any pony knew how to throw a party, it was her!
“By the way, are any of you disturbed that I am not wearing pants right now? I mean, I am a snowman and I don't have legs, but still, even I am a bit creeped out. Perhaps I should get some nice slacks or-”
~MC~MC~MC~
“Alright, carry the three…” Pinkie mumbled to herself, sticking her tongue out as she looked at the paper. “And then divide by the square root of those cursed numbers from that magic island with the smoke monster... hmmm…”
“Hi Pinkie!” Twilight said, entering her poofy-maned friend’s bedroom.
“Hiya, Twilight!” Pinkie said, looking away from her work and bouncing over to her friend. “How are ya? You weren’t attacked by grinches or ghosts of Hearth’s Warming pasts, were you?”
“Uh… no, I wasn’t,” Twilight said, pursing her lips.
“Good! You can never be too careful! That’s why I put up garlic this time of year.” Pinkie gestured to the strands of garlic bulbs that were hanging over her windows. “That’s also why I had Mr. Cake buy me these funny little lower case ‘t’s and then I dipped them in water that Princess Celestia spit out.”
“How did you get water that Princess Celestia spit out?”
“Well…”
~Several months earlier~
“You know, it’s funny…” Luna said as her, Celestia, Shining Armor, Cadence and Tydal the OC capricorn walked down the dirt path, “…you’d think we’d have reached the changeling hive by now.”
“It’s only been two weeks, little sister,” Celestia pointed out, admiring the sun (‘Oh Ms. Sun, if we were in Griffian, I would make you my bride…’)
“Yeah, but it feels like it’s been months!” Luna complained. “And worst, it feels like we’ve been walking away from that burned down Grease E. Gus for over a week! No adventures, no wild events, nothing!”
Tydal grumbled as he used his magic to take a flask from his saddle bag and take a quick drink. “You promised me murder, Luna… you broke a promise.”
Cadence gasped. “Luna, you broke a promise to a friend?”
“Cadence, no!” Shining Armor shouted in fear.
“FOREVER!” Pinkie screamed, bursting out of Luna’s mane.
Celestia did a spit take, drenching the pink mare.
~MC~MC~MC~
“… I am doubting the validity of your story,” Twilight said.
Pinkie giggled. “You sound like that baby dalek you have locked in your basement.”
Twilight chose to change the topic. “What are you working on?” She trotted over to Pinkie’s desk and blinked. “What… what is this?”
“It’s my Hearth’s Warming Day list, Twilight!”
“Why are there numbers all over it if it is a list?”
“I have to add up all the goodies I want to find under the big tree that we murder in the name of holiday spirit, silly.” Pinkie frowned, tapping her chin. “Is it weird that we murder trees and dress up the bodies? Seems a bit morbid. I mean, we did kill Discord and put him in a garden, so there is a history of us doing that-”
“We didn’t kill Discord, Pinkie,” Twilight said, pursing her lips.
“We didn’t?!” Pinkie exclaimed, checking outside for chocolate rain clouds. She let out a squeal of horror. “Oh now, it is raining white cotton candy!” The earth pony stuck out her tongue, only to giggle. “Wait, never mind, it is just snow!” Pinkie turned back around and wagged her hoof at Twilight. “Don’t scare me like that, Miss Scary Scarer!”
Twilight frowned. “Pinkie, we didn’t kill Discord… we turned him to stone.”
“And is stone alive?” Pinkie asked simply, tilting her head. “Can you survive if your heart is a rock or your veins are filled with pebbles?”
“…alright, we murdered him, happy?”
“Yup! I came to terms with being a murderer loooooonnngggg ago! Not the kind that chops up ponies and makes them cupcakes, because that would ruin a perfectly good cupcake, because bleeeeeh! Can you imagine blood in a cupcake? Or pony meat? Yuck! Well, unless whoever's blood it was had high sugar levels and that made it like cherry syrup-“
“Pinkie… the list?” Twilight said, already mentally checking off ‘cherry cheesecake’ from her list of foods she might make for Hearth’s Warming Day.
“Oh, right!” Pinkie giggled (which, really, wasn’t that shocking; Pinkie NOT giggling at something would be a bigger surprise) and handed Twilight the list. “See, I came up with all the stuff I want to get for Hearth’s Warming Day… I plan to send it to my dad as soon as possible so he can get started.” Pinkie looked up at the ceiling in thought. “Maybe I could get one of those magical owls to take it to him for me! Twilight, can I borrow your owl… the one that forgets ponies’ names?”
“Sorry, but no.” Twilight looked over the list. “Pinkie, don’t you think that it is a bit late to be giving a list of toys?” Twilight’s brow furrowed. “And why are you asking for toys? You are a grown mare!”
“I am a kid at heart!” Pinkie considered her words. “Well, a filly at heart. I’m not a goat… or am I?”
“You aren’t. But seriously, look at this… jacks, a jump rope… what the hay is a Tickle-Me-Luna doll?” Twilight held up a hoof, cutting off the answer. “Nevermind, I don’t want to know. I’ll rest easier not know.”
“Like I do by not knowing where babies come from,” Pinkie said brightly.
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Right. Anyhow… you do realize that Hearth’s Warming is only a few days away, right? If you are just giving your list now to your father, you might not get your… Tydalimus Prime figure?”
“It’s a capricorn that turns into boat! I also asked for the Celestiatron so I could make them fight!” Pinkie began making strange ‘rarararara’ sounds with her mouth. “Besides, I will still get presents… this is just my latest list. I send updated ones every day. My family does the same thing!” Pinkie trotted over to her closet. “How else would I know to get all of this!”
Twilight cringed, expecting an avalanche of presents to pour out of the closet. Instead, she found that while the closet was filled to the brim, each box was stacked neatly by size, color, weight and the pony it was going to. Twilight couldn’t have done better herself.
“All those presents are for your family?” Twilight asked, speechless (which is a paradox because she just spoke... or sloopy writing).
“Of course! I have to prove I love them by giving them a huge amount of items. It’s like the old song says, money can buy you love.”
“I don’t think it goes like that,” Twilight stated. “Pinkie… you do know that your family will love you, even if you don’t get them a lot of gifts.”
“Well duh, but this way I prove I love them the best! And besides… the more gifts I give them the more they feel they have to give me!” Pinkie’s eyes actually began to grow green with greed. "And the more expensive, the more they have to spend to try and match what I spent!"
“That… sounds horrible.” Twilight shook her head in disgust. “You are using the gifts you give as bribes and threats to get more gifts from others! That is just sick, Pinkie!”
“That is the holidays, Twilight!” Pinkie said happily. “Hearth’s Warming is about getting and that’s why my motto is ‘gimme gimme gimme’! It use to be 'kill whitey' but I don't know what that means...”
“That is the most greedy thing I’ve ever heard!”
“That’s the way Hearth's Warming is! I even wrote a song about it… you want to hear it?”
“No, I-“
Pinkie Pie
Chocolate chips as big as rocks
And some cake I can wear like socks
Is all I really want for Hearth’s Warming this year
“Well that’s just not practical,” Twilight complained.
Pinkie
I want taffy shaped like my head
And some caramel as big as my bed
That’s all I really want for Hearth’s Warming this year!
“Wow, that is a long list, Pinkie!”
Pinkie
Come on Twi I not quite done
I have more to say
And my list is another 50 pages long!
Let’s see!
I want a blender all in pink
And a boss who doesn’t drink
Mr. Cake (slurred)
Hey what the *HIC* is goin’ on in here?
Pinkie (Mr. Cake has collapsed)
All these happy wishes
And lots of Hearth’s Warming cheer
Is all I really want this year.
“Pinkie, it sounds like you are going a bit overboard!”
“Come on, Twilight, everypony goes overboard, I mean…”
Rarity (in her boutique)
I want to tour the Manehattan coast
Applejack (at her farm)
Lunch with my dead mama’s ghost
Rarity and Applejack
Is all I really want for Hearth’s Warming this Year!
Twilight blinked. “Uh… what?”
Fluttershy (at her cottage)
A nicer quilt on my bed
Oh, and Angel wants a sled!
Is all I really want for Hearth’s Warming this year
Rainbow Dash (In her cloud house)
A place in the Wonderbolts
Don’t care what’s my spot is
But I better get top billing every night!
Heehee
Twilight
Doesn’t this seem like too much stuff?
Rainbow Dash
Suck my wings it ain’t enough
Rarity
Stop trying to ruin Pinkie’s song, my dear!
The Mane 6 (except for Twilight)
All these happy wishes
And lots of Hearth’s Warming cheer
Is all I really want this year.
Twilight just stared at Pinkie, never questioning how she could hear her friends who were miles away. “I’m just saying it seems a bit too much.”
Pinkie laughed. “But everypony knows the holidays are about being greedy! Just ask any pony!”
Mrs. Cake
I’d like some golden safety pins
And Mr. Cake to stop asking about the twins
Is all I really want for Hearth’s Warming this year
“I mean seriously… of course he is the father!” Mrs. Cake said nervously.
Derpy
A line of muffins 8 miles long
The Doctor
A restraining order against River Song
Derpy and The Doctor
Is all I really want for Hearth’s Warming this year!
“Oh, hello darling,” River Song said, popping up in the window.
“I got her!” Dinky said, spraying the pony with a hose. “Home wrecker!”
“Good girl,” The Doctor stated.
Filthy Rich (wearing a shirt that says “I Heart Lunakah”)
If you put a Hearth’s Warming tree
In the public post office
I will go to court and sue your flank
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Mayor Mare
I’d like more ponies to come and stay
Cranky Mule
I want Pinkie Pie to stay away
I’m tired of her always coming over here!
Cranky, Mayor Mare and Filthy Rich
All these happy wishes
And lots of Hearth’s Warming cheer
Is all I really want this year.
Breaburn
I’d like a newly polished hat stand
Buffalo Herd
We still want you off our land!
Braeburn and Buffalos
Is all I really want for Hearth’s Warming this year
Princess Celestia
I want a diamond necklace as white as snow
Princess Luna
I want more lines in the show!
Celestia and Luna
Is all I really want for Hearth’s Warming this year
Bon Bon
I just want a wedding ring
From somepony named Lyra
Lyra
I just want some flippin’ human hands!
I mean it, I’m not picky!
Shining Armor and Cadence
We want watches, hers and his
Tydal the capricorn, Faith the abstract, Nyx the filly alicorn, and Mary Sue the Red Maned, Black Coated Alicorn
We don’t know what Hearth’s Warming is!
OC’s celebrate Tydalmas, which you should fear!
Entire Cast
All these happy wishes
And lots of Hearth’s Warming cheer
Is all I really want this year.
“That is the second most greedy song I’ve ever heard,” Twilight said, backing away from her friend.
“What was the first?” Pinkie asked.
“Prince Blueblood-“
“Say no more, already caught up!” Pinkie said happily, humming to herself even as Twilight slowly backed out of the room.
Second thing I hate that ruins the holidays: when people use gift giving as a weapon to either get themselves more presents, to guilt people, or to compete with their family to see who has more money. What use is a present if you are buying it purely to meet an imaginary cash limit or because you know you need to give 8 presents because every one else is?
Also, the song sung here is my version of Family Guy's "All I want for Christmas this year"
I just... What.... I...
This is the best chapter I have ever read. EVER.
Alt. Titles: It's Christmas, Twilight Sparkle!: A Fic Without Defender's OC or Defender222 Takes A Look At The Holidays: Poor Social Commentary Disguised As A Pony FanFic or How Defender222 Commentated On Christmas or A Christmas Rant Fanfic With Defender222 Twilight or The Many Secret Ways I Hate Christmas (And How Twilight Naturally Agrees With Me) or Ponies In RantLand or The Santa Hate, Co-Starring Twilight Sparkle or The Ranivity Story (feat. Twilight Sparkle) or, my favorite, Hearth Warmth At Ground Zero... Seriously, I could go on forever with this.
1762482 so does that mean i cant kidnap a african baby to buy you a raindeer?
1762482 That's another thing I'm glad I've never experienced my family has always been happy with our christmas gifts no matter what they are. Wow I must be really lucky to have never seen that the holidays could so much harm to people.
Also yay for Transformers reference.
I always wondered about the Cake´s twins. Was it an intend of the writters to troll us with a subtle possibility of infidelity on a kid cartoon?
1762482 THE EXPLANATION FOR POVERTY.
1762624
Alot of my issues with how Christmas and the holidays get ruined comes from my EXTENDED family (my parents and brother are wonderful and believe much as I do how the holidays should be and finally broke away from that insanity years ago) and from what I go through with my job.
I do so love the holidays.
1762550
If you're going to write a list of troll/alternate titles, you should really put in the extra keystroke to get the author's name right.
Also, maybe Wall Breaker should have a quick line, complaining on how Tydal is the only OC out of the original characters you listed. Because I'm nitpicky like that.
Also also, Lunakah. Heh. But seriously, how the hell did Dinky spray River Song with a HOUSE!?
1762879
Wait, I'm confused. After the little "", what does this have to do with me and my alternate/troll titles?
family guy for the win!
Good chapter, enjoyed the song adaptation and I'm glad I don't experience this at Christmas.
1763925
I honestly thought this fic was gonna be along the lines of It's Christmas, Charlie Brown! judging by the title and cover art, but, no, it's "I hate Christmas and Twilight Sparkle's gonna explain why for me!"
1763989
Oh, so he hates 90% of Christmas. This is kind of like if Past Sins was written about traffic, even though ol' Stroke loves to drive. Or if Cupcakes was about hoax emails, even though the good Sgt. posts spam comments on YouTube.
1764052
Neither do I. So let's just stop here.
I stopped buying gifts like, years ago. Now I just bake something or just give them hugs cause they're family.
I give everyone the gift of humility
1763948>>1764052
No problem, though I will say that my dark stories are COMPLETELY different and are written completely different (for example, in my funny stories I uses these () to make jokes and in my dark fics I almost never use them), so you should just treat those like they are written by a different author.
And yes, I love christmas. This fic is about how certain elements can ruin the holiday and what happens when it pushes someone to far. I would say is the first few chapters are "Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown" (which also is an author rant about the bad things about Christmas... seriously... Charlie Brown is Shultz's stand in, Linus is his mouth piece, and the rest of the characters show, just like the main five, what can go wrong), followed by 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas' in the second half.
That said, is it a bit of a rant fic? Of course. But I hope that I provide enough humor that you can deal with the ranting at times. And I will say it does have a happy ending, like Charlie Brown. This fic is the first 90% of CHarlie Brown, then The Grinch right after, then the last 10% of charlie brown at the end.
I'm going to be celebrating Lunakah soon. I wonder, would it be too much to ask for
youTwilight to bring up how earlyChristmasHearth's Warming stuff appeared in stores? I saw some Christmas stuff available in the middle of October this year.Personally, I think the fact you write comedy makes your dark stuff a bit, well, darker. You know, you're reading about Faith getting beaten up and tossed in a cell, and then you realize “This is the same guy who wrote ‘The Many Secret Origins of Scootaloo’!" Also, will you be writing a musical story? Because that would be kick-ass!
Again, why going to the Movies on Christmas is the smart thing to do...
Also this:
Family Guy ftw. I love references. o3o Also, what is a "Tickle-Me-Luna Doll"? Wait, never-mind, please don't tell me. I do love the holidays, and I'm thankful that my family doesn't go bucking crazy like this. I mean, what is the point of buying a gift, for the sake of getting gifts? Makes no sense to me. Also, trying to impress family by rubbing their noses in your stuff is just... Wrong. Seriously, they're your family, they should love you for you, not your house and your stuff. Enough ranting. I can't wait to read more. Great fic.
1768862
And yet both of those things happen all the time. I have seen it, been forced to suffer through it, and have had several long, menacing rants about how disgusting it is.
And yes, we will discover what a Tickle-Me-Luna doll is soon.
1764167
I prefer buying gifts that I know the the recipient will appreciate; moreso if they didn't ask for it. For example, one of my friends plays Magic: the Gathering. I bought him a card that fits one of his decks perfectly, but wasn't something he would have gone out to buy for himself.
See, this is how one writes Pinkie Pie. Her lines have to be random, funny, and interesting.
I also love the linkage in your stories. The song number was terrific, except we never found out what Spike wants for Hearth's Warming Day. Usually when an author or artist includes the Element bearers, both princesses, as well as miscellaneous others, it gets on my nerves. It's one of the ways people downplay Twilight's closest friend. But knowing you already like Spike and have made him a part of this story, I'm okay with it hear.
Twilights sparkle going nuts
And I rly mean nucking futs
Is all I really want for Hearth’s Warming this year
Also tydal is not that I will fear
SOMEBODY DO A PMV OF ALL I REALLY WANT FOR HEARTH'S WARMING THIS YEAR!!!! DO IT!! THIS IS A LEGITIMATE THREAT!!! MAKE IT OR YOUR DEAD!!!
-Your Master OC, Tydal
Not to question, but I'd though I'd quote Party of One;
Pinkie: "Parties are about having fun with friends/ Not getting lots of stuff!"
Also, some of those requests aren't too unreasonable... And Applejack's hurts me(points to heart) in here. And why should we fear Tydalmas? Otherwise, great chapter.
And now I can say, I have offically voiced Nyx. Thank you so much for this oppertunity, and now I need to voice Littlepip and I will finished my collection of favorite protagonist OCs.
Though... I never expected it to happen in a comedy fic.