Spike, the lovable draconic assistant to Twilight Sparkle, was once her number one assistant and close friend. But after a fight, Twilight becomes fed up with Spike and decides to evict him from her home. Happy with wanting to see her fail, Spike leaves Twilight, hoping that she will come back begging for him.
This short story is set hours after the fight and into the evening, capturing the psychological trauma that Spike and Twilight will face. Each character is plagued with the memories of the other, and will soon come to realize, whether it be in a run-down motel room or the Ponyville Library, that their lives may have been changed forever.
I decided to write this differently than my other stories; I wanted to make it seem more choppy and confused to match the character's confusion. I hope you enjoy it.
*sniff sniff*
You smell that? That's the featured smell. All you need is a cover image.
Yes. Yes everything.
I like and fave this.
It gud.
Also, whoever disliked... no.
I believe it's egocentrism.
Here, you've jumped into 1st person.
Other than that, I love this story. Upvote.
Another chapter please, the imagination is killing me at the end!
Maybe from Twilight's perspective
I think you mean 'a dive of a motel'? As in a horrible motel? A diving motel sounds like the motel itself dives beneath the ocean, or maybe it's for ponies who dive.
This doesn't really make much sense, either. You could live a cutthroat life, perhaps.
A room wouldn't 'fade' into view, things are usually described as fading out. It could 'come' into view, or he could suddenly notice it, or something.
;) The desk doesn't shine out from the light, silly.
Uh... Okay? It might have made more sense to have a sentence describing his reluctance to potentially damage this quill that he's holding by punching the mirror, so instead he punched with his other hand. It's never mentioned that he's using his left? hand, or why he would make that choice.
I had to re-read this a couple of times, to make sure that I understood it correctly. You mean that Spike is standing in his hotel room, hollering at the memories that are haunting him, right?
I was curious how you were planning to justify the breakdown of Spike and Twilight's relationship, seeing how she's basically his mother/older sister/only family. You mentioned something about a meteor storm, but... What happened? What did Spike do, that would cause Twilight to throw him out?
Why was she expecting him to 'advance'? For a baby, he is seen doing many important things in the show. He holds down a job, is Twilight's go-to assistant to help her out with whatever problem she's having, writes well...
I was thinking that this was perhaps set in the future, and something had happened to sour their relationship. Spike had grown naturally into a dragon adolescent again, and having trouble controlling his urges to steal things. Twilight was having more pressure put on her by the Princess to accomplish something. Something?
I thought Spike's interpretation of the relationship between Twilight and the Princess was very interesting, and I wish that had been explored more.
All in all, you obviously love to write. But don't be afraid to use a simpler word, when it conveys a meaning more clearly.
1726642
Thanks for pointing that out to me. I'm glad you enjoyed my story.
1726771
You bring up a lot of points, and I'll answer them. First off, the "meteor shower" is a reference to the meteor shower from "Owl's Well That Ends Well"; if you know the episode, Spike becomes jealous of Twilight's new assistant and, when confronted about it, believed that Twilight didn't love him any more. This caused him to run away, but eventually leading Twilight to save him from a much larger dragon. The difference here is that Spike left willingly, and Twilight ALLOWED it.
The reason Spike was thrown out is ambiguous for a reason; if you read a little deeper, Spike is trying to avoid thinking about it. Since this is a retelling of what's going on in Spike's mind, there is a lot that can be left out. However, you can also see the inner turmoil that would normally not be discussed. It's just one of those things about the mental perspective; they can be as ambiguous as possible because the character already knows these things. But, I still kept as much as I wanted in to have a decent story for the reader to figure out.
The part where Spike yells out to Twilight is him yelling at the memories of Twilight when she told Spike to leave.
The less-dominant hand bit was actually supposed to be partly comical, but also gave Spike that degree of crazy stupidity.
This is set in the near future of Spike's life; he's still a baby, but he's just an older baby, if that makes sense. The only limitation to when this could happen is that it had to be after the plot to "Owl's Well That Ends Well"; Twilight's reasoning is partially based around that past reference.
Finally, the other grammatical stuff. The "shining" adjective with the desk was because of its polishing; the light catches the finish on the desk. The "fading" into view was meant to show Spike's pointing out that one room amongst others, and how he was counting them out and predetermining the next door. Everything else is just vivid, unorthodox description that I wanted to experiment with.
Thank you for your input. It's always appreciated to get feedback like this.
1726567
There you go. A cover image.
I like.
While a bit unorthodox as you would say, the feelings of dejection and isolation are projected well.
Upvote and fav.
Hmm...out of curiosity, I realize that this story is marked as completed, but will you continue this at some point? It would be a fair decision not to, but your pacing and style are good and this story has me intrigued.
Thanks a bunch!
1796345
I've received a fair amount of comments about that here and on DeviantART. I may end up writing a sequel and just calling this story incomplete. It'll either be from Twilight's POV or continuing with Spike's. Not sure yet.
I hope you enjoyed reading.
1800874
It's funny how sometimes these things turn out differently than we plan. I did enjoy reading it, and I'll be keeping an eye out in case you feel like you can continue the story! Good luck.
1726711
Wish granted, my friend. I hope you enjoy Chapter 2.
1796345
I've just posted another chapter, my fellow reader. From Twilight's perspective.
I hope you enjoy it!
Now we just need the confrontation and the hugs, and will be forever happy.
Nice, very touching.
Right in the feels.
1810347 many thanks
it was awesome
This is great
all these feels.. i cannot hold them
This makes me seriously hate Twilight....