Each year, twenty-four young ponies are chosen to compete in the Hunger Games, a brutal fight to the death created as a device to prove President Celestia's ultimate supremacy. The ponies chosen this year, however, are unique in the way their relationships tangle and wind around each other. As the stress and fear of the impending Games gets the better of them, some connections strengthen while others unwind, and these tributes find themselves turning to things they'd never have initially considered in the battle to stay alive. There can, after all, only be one pony who will emerge victorious from the 94th Equestrian Hunger Games.
Chapters (2)
Not even.
1727548
Oh shit.
I'M TAKING BETS EVERYONE. 50 BITS ON REGIDAR? NO? HOW ABOUT 25 ON THE MANGO KID? 20? 10 BITS-
Why do you add a period before the names?
Could easily be
(You don't have to add italics or the underline, but they look a lot nicer)
That was my biggest annoyance about this story.
1727548 I understand that a lot of THG/MLP crossovers have gotten a bad rap (mostly because they were hastily written with no forethought), but I do wish you could at least try reading the story. I have put quite a bit of effort and time into developing the plot and relationships within the story, and am making a conscious effort to set this particular fanfic apart from others like it.
1727780 Stylization choice. Chalk it up to following too many hipsters on ff.net, I suppose. I appreciate the criticism, and will give it some thought before potentially changing it. Thank you!
1728047 I did.
Well, this is a new experience for me. Usually when things get torn to shreds on here, I fully agree with tearing them to shreds. But this... I don't think this is deserving of ALL the hate it's getting. So +1 like for you from me, because while I'd still consider this "bad," and if it had been praised by the community I'd be downvoting for sure, there's definitely an honest effort here and I respect that.
Engage critique:
I have never read the Hunger Games books nor seen the movie, and don't plan on doing either, so I have no idea about a lot of this. However, there's really blatant world-building going on right out of the gate, and it's not done in a way which is interesting. If you've created/borrowed a complicated world which needs explanation in order for the plot to make any sense, that's fine; I do it myself pretty often. However, that first click where we say "this looks interesting" isn't a guaranteed commitment, and a lot of people are going to back out if the first several pages are just comparisons of what the districts are like. If you lead with a scene that grabs our attention, something not necessarily related to the plot but fun to read, then once we get to the end of it we'll be more likely to settle down and say "alright, that was a fun ride, I've got faith in this piece. Time to settle down and see where the plot goes." Starting in with a dragging explanation of backstory and setting is going to bore people who are familiar with the books because they already (presumably) know this information, and also bore those unfamiliar with it because we have no idea what districts are and why we should care. Confession time: I didn't actually read the whole fic; it was quite boring and I just skipped ahead somewhere in the middle of Rarity's introduction. Still, this being the Hunger Games, I have confidence it'll pick up and be actiony at some point. The problem is...the beginning's so boring, I didn't even care. Sorry for the harsh words, but it's got to be said.
Also, your "stylistic choices" with periods before headings or other things (what the hell are the italics-parentheses lines? Dialogue? Thoughts? Sidebar comments from the author?) are rather confusing. I respect people thinking outside the box when it comes to writing, because it's more fun to read things which take liberties with the rules rather than write exactly 6 Dick-and-Jane sentences to a paragraph and then slam the Enter key. However, there's a reason for some of those rules, and when I look at something you've done and honestly can't figure out what the hell it's supposed to mean (the italicized parentheticals) it makes me infinitely less likely to continue reading.
Couple grammar and spelling mistakes, too. Didn't bother to make note of them, but one or two every paragraph or so. Be a little more thorough with your editing next time.
But like I said, it's clear you at least put some effort into this, and I respect that a hell of a lot. Most of the 0 likes, 10+ dislikes fics I see on the newest page are utterly awful and just walls of text filled with some horrid bastardization of the English language that should be burned at the stake. This was obviously a planned, calculated, albeit hastily edited step into fiction writing which unfortunately missed the mark a little bit. And it bears the stigma of a crossover piece, which means it's either going to get applauded and raised up on a pedestal for people to bow down before, or it's going to crash and burn and have an angry mob strip it naked and drag it through a cactus patch. Such is life when writing crossovers.
However, if you're serious about this and want it to succeed, I might be able to help you. Shoot me a PM if you're interested, and we can work out an arrangement where I'll review and comment on your work and see if it can be improved. Well, I already know it can be improved, but I'll show you specifically HOW it can be improved in a format more efficient and user friendly than this site's comment interface. I can't take back all those downvotes, but I can try to get some upvotes added after a bit of careful revision and editing. Let me know if this interests you.
WHY DOES THIS HAVE SO MUCH HATE?
PINKIE PIE HAS TO WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! D:
I don't understand why this is being down voted. Is it because people don't like the fact that its MLP Hunger Games? Because Iif that's the case, why in Equestria is MLP Creepypasta so popular?! If another version of the "Slenderman Killers", FiM style comes out, my parents won't let me read this anymore! I'm not sure how I got so off track, just making a point, please no one make Cupcakes, The Rainbow Factory, Sweet Apple Massacre, Little Miss Rarity, or ANY OTHER of those a reality. Oh and I really like this. So keep going!