Iron Vein

by Aqu

Chapter 1

The old stallion chuckled to himself, remembering his beloved toy. The toy had comforted Tin on many days. It had been his friend through and through. It had never left his side, not that it could, nor would he let it. His chuckle soon faded, turning into a series of phlegm-filled coughs. He cleared his throat.

“Lungs aren’t what they used to be,” he told himself, shaking his head in frustration.

Tin’s expression changed, frustration fading as he smiled. His mind jumped, remembering the song. He remembered all of her songs. Each detail of all of the times she had sung had been locked into his mind. He had forgotten much of his past, but he would never allow himself to forget those songs.

Tin would never forget the silver-maned earth pony mare. He would never forget her words, nor her soothing tone or melody. He sighed, leaning back into his chair. A lone tear rolled down his cheek as he thought of her name.

“Lullaby…”

--0o0o0o0--

Several years had past since Tin’s first adventure. Tin had grown, no longer small, nearing the early years of adolescence. He had made many friends within the orphanage, and had many more adventures. The mare that had lulled him to sleep became a new figure to which he admired dearly; all of the foals loved her dearly. Nopony in the orphanage had ever felt unloved, lost, or sad while in her company.

Lullaby.

Tin felt comforted at the mere mention of her name. He smiled to himself, clutching his favorite toy as he woke. He set his toy down while he sat up in his bed. Tin had named his toy, Iron Vein, upon the insistence of Lullaby. She would not tell him why, but only that it was the name of someone very close to Tin. He shrugged to himself, long since giving up trying to find the original owner of the name. Slowly, he shambled out of bed.

Tin had plans today, plans for another adventure. Recently, Lullaby had been taking trips out into the city, sometimes leaving for hours at a time in the early morning. He was worried for Lullaby. She would never keep secrets from the foals at the Orphanage, but she had been avoiding any questions about her disappearances. Tin was determined to find out why. To him, there was no reason to keep secrets. They were all family.

Tin heard the sound from downstairs, the soft clip-clop of hooves on wood flooring. He knew who it would be, and it was time to move. Tin opened the door to his room, heading across the hall to another foal. It was early, the sun barely reaching through the windows of the Orphanage, so Tin knocked, as he was unsure whether anypony would be awake. The door slowly opened and a smaller teal unicorn filly met his eyes.

Her name was Aurora. Aurora had been at the orphanage since Tin had, and so they had both grown up together. She had become a close friend to Tin in their early years. She often followed him on his adventures, and the foals grew close with their shared curiosity for exploration. Both of them had taken notice to Lullaby’s disappearances in the early morning, and both had agreed to follow her.

Aurora was not expecting Tin this early, as such, her normally kempt, short-cut blue mane was untidy, hairs sticking in almost every direction. Their gaze met, her glare equaling that of a rudely awoken manticore. Clearly, she was not amused.

“Why did you wake me up?” she questioned, calmly, glare unfaltering.

Tin cleared his throat. “It’s Lullaby; She’s going out again.”

Aurora’s glare faltered, expression softening. She sighed, looking back into her room. “Fine. Just let me brush my mane.”

Tin shook his head. “She’s leaving now! We can’t wait.”

Aurora groaned inwardly, moving forward and closing the door behind her. She stepped closer to Tin while muttering a few choice words under her breath. She looked down the hall. “Alright, let’s go.”

The two foals nodded to one another and headed silently downstairs. Lullaby was not in the main lobby of the orphanage. Believing Lullaby to have already left, Aurora’s horn glowed as she wrapped her magic around the front door’s knob and unlocked it. Tin patted her on the back, impressed by her quick work of the lock. In turn, she smiled as both headed through the now-opened door.

It was still dim outside. Celestia’s sun was slowly rising, but the dull outline of Luna’s moon was still seen. The foals shivered as the air’s chill reached their coats. Both looked about, and the streets of Canterlot greeted them. Several well-designed, ornate homes and shops surrounded them. A small collection of ponies milled about at this time, but the streets were, for the most part, empty.

Tin and Aurora continued through the streets, looking for Lullaby. Most of Canterlot was unfamiliar to them, as they had been confined to the general vicinity of the orphanage. After a few moments, the foals spotted a familiar silver mane. Trotting closer to a better view, Tin and Aurora caught sight of Lullaby.

Lullaby’s head drooped, and her ears splayed back. She seemed anxious, walking at a brisk pace with her brow furrowed. Lullaby looked nervous. The two foals shared worried glances, looking upon her. This was not the Lullaby that they were accustomed to.

The foals followed her quietly. They did not have to hide, or stay unnoticed, as Lullaby did not pay any heed to what was behind her. Within minutes, Lullaby came to a large white building, a red cross atop the entrance. She headed to the door, slowly opening it with a sigh.

Tin and Aurora waited for a few short minutes, as they did not want to be seen by her. They cautiously walked toward the entrance, afraid of being seen. As they entered the building, the first things they noticed were the pristine floors, walls, and desks. All were painted white and were completely sterile. The ponies that sat along the wall did not follow this trend. Most were hunched over, looking pale and flustered. Others had hacking coughs, and none looked well.

The two foals hesitantly moved to the center desk, scanning around the room for any signs of Lullaby. She was not in the lobby.

A rather bored-looking pegasus stallion cleared his throat as the two approached the desk. He quirked his eyebrow at the small foals. “How may I help you two?”

Tin and Aurora looked between each other before Tin answered. “We’re wondering what this place is?”

“You don’t know?”

The foals shook their heads.

“It is a hospital. It’s for sick ponies,” he explained, casting a curious glance between the two.

Tin gulped, fearing the worst for Lullaby. Aurora smiled. “See! It can’t be too bad. The hospital will make her all better.”

Tin did not share the same enthusiasm, or positive outlook. “I’m not so sure...” Tin sighed, turning back toward the exit. “We might as well get back. We know where she’s been going, and we can ask her about it later.”

The foals headed back through the streets, quickly arriving at the orphanage. Aurora went back to her room, as she was ready to get back to sleep. Tin went to his own room.

He sat onto his bed, grabbing the toy set down next to him. Pulling the toy up, he gave it a hug, comforting himself in his fear for Lullaby. His breathing turned ragged and his toy became dampened with tears. Holding Iron Vein to his chest, he mumbled. “Please… be okay.”

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity to Tin, he heard the faint creaking of the front door. Tin quickly sprung up from his bed and moved downstairs, frantically looking for the one he cherished most.

Lullaby entered the orphanage, slowly closing the door behind her. Turning, she saw Tin and gave him a weak smile. She looked downtrodden, her smile faux. Her eyes had dark circles underneath them. Her once-silver mane now showed signs of grey. She looked weary and frail.

“I need to get some rest Tin… I’m sorry if you’ve been waiting for me all morning.”

Tin nodded and watched as she sluggishly shambled into her bedroom. His throat felt dry, and his heart rate increased. Tin feared the worst for Lullaby.

The night came quickly, as Tin had been too worried to pay attention in the day. He watched Lullaby constantly that day. He noticed that she seemed dazed. She appeared to be distracted, not giving her normal bright smile to all of those she cared for.

Tin’s worry increased as the foals were all put to sleep. Lullaby had always sung a wonderful melody or song to lull the orphans to sleep, but not tonight. Tonight, the ponies had felt alone.

Tin’s uneasiness grew, but all he could do was clutch to his toy, hoping for a brighter day.

Comments

[Aqu]

1st chapter completed. Again, tell me of any mistakes I, or my awesome editor, have missed. I was a bit tired while writing this.

[Inky Jay]

This review brought to you by the group: Authors Helping Authors

Fic: Iron Vein
Grammar Score: 9.5
Pros: There are plenty of all OC stories, but this one is taking an interesting route in its setting, tone, and style.
The style seems to morph depending on Tin's age, adding an extra and fully enjoyable layer of depth.
The emotions present in this fic are already very potent, and have immense potential to become even more moving.
Cons: The overarching plotline has not yet been explicitely determined, though as a beginning fic this is understandable.
The brevity of certain scenes causes them to have less impact than they would were they longer.
Pacing of the entire story needs adjusting.

Notes: Not much to add except what I've said above. I will comment on your excellent grammar and how refreshing it is to see it so well done. The tone seems very whimsical despite the sad tag, which is a rare find that should most certainly be read more. Keep up the good work! You've more than earned my like and fav.

Enjoy your review and hope you find it helpful. Please review my fic Marks of Harmony. I won't expect you to read it all in one sitting btw!

[Aqu]

1886504 Thank you much, I will read and comment on your story soon.

[Hingard]

This review is brought to you by the group Authors Helping Authors

Name: Iron vein

Grammar: 9.5

Pros: Great story concept
Great detail of characters feelings.
The character is well developed, and belivable.

cons: Can't really think of any other than what inky jay mentioned.

Notes: The grammar was great, and refreshing. I like the concept and I like to read OC stories. I'm defenitly going to keep my eye on this one.

Hope you enjoyed your review, Please review my story Guardian of the Hearthfire, and if you want my story Twas a Hearthwarming eve.

[Gak]

This is probably the first OC only fanfiction I've read, and its pretty good . Keep up the good work.

[vren55]

Founder and Admin Coming in for a review
Name: Iron Vein
Grammar: I give it a 8/10, the sentence structure is quite basic, but you've got it down. That's good
Pros: It's got a nice tone and as Inky states, the tones are distinct according to who is speaking
Transitions well from old to young. Very few people can pull this off well, so kudos to you for that
You've also established your OCs pretty well and provided a sufficient amount of intrigue in order to convince us to follow
Cons: The sentence structure is rather simple gives a bit of a choppiness to it
I'd like to see more description and more showing of his facial expressiions and the environment. I mean we saw a lot of his crib, but not a lot of the actual rules of the orphange. It seems like a very caring orphanage, but is Lullaby the only person running it?
Notes: A pretty darn good story that I hope you continue on in the future. Have a like, fav to go along with this review. You do need to add more showing of the facial expressions, but it's the beginning so i understand.
Recommended Story: You've already read Remembering the Fallen so I'm going to recommend you to my main story Canterlot: Her Creation and Her Architects

[Aldrigold]

This review brought to you by Authors helping Authors!
Name: Iron Vein.
Grammar: 7/10. Some typos and comma problems, just enough to be distracting.
Pros:
Changing the flow of the story according to age is really well done
The prose is generally good
You have good tension, especially in chapter 1
Cons:
There is some inconsistency in the prologue
An adolescent having a comfort toy isn't believable. I'd age him down in Chapter 1
I have yet to get a clear sense of your MC
Notes: I really like this. It's not often I see a slice of life that actually interests me, but the use of vignettes into a pony's life are good, and chapter 1 especially shows promise with the tension you present.
First, let's talk about the prologue. You did a good job presenting an infant's voice, but I think you could go even further with it. I'm reminded of the first sentence in James Joyce's "Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man." It goes like this: Once upon a time and a very good time it was there was a moocow coming down along the road and this moocow that was coming down along the road met a nicens little boy named baby tuckoo..."
Clearly you don't have to go to that extent, but I would make the infant's voice even younger. In some ways he is ignorant-he doesn't know what blood or pain is-and yet he knows candles are. I think you can make this more consistent-describe the world through this infant's eyes. Another important thing to add to this chapter is more of Lullaby, as establishing her more in this chapter will allow the reader to feel even more tension when we think she's ill in chapter 1. Show us a scene of Lullaby comforting Tin in more detail. To Tin, an infant, she represents safety, security, and love, right? Illustrate that. Paint us that picture of Lullaby. What would a caretaker look and feel or smell like to an infant? If she is his mother figure, she will be the most important figure in his life, and her entry into the story at that point should be momentous.
On to chapter 1. The major issue I had here is with your telling us things in the beginning-you mention Tin is adolescent, but adolescent implies teenager. I don't think you meant Tin to be a teenager in this chapter. He strikes me as seven or eight, on the cusp of wanting independence but still very clearly dependent on Lullaby.
That leads me to my next point- general your prose is good, but you do have a telling problem at the beginning of your chapters. Don't do that. Lead us into the story with a scene, don't slam the reader with a paragraph like the first one in chapter 1. If you change the prologue and show us Lullaby's importance, you won't need to do that at the beginning of chapter 1 anyway.
Also, I mentioned that we don't have a clear sense of your MC yet, though this may simply be a result of the style of story you've chosen to tell. Even if you show a person through time, however, are there unique personality traits you can show us to characterize him that remain constant? Maybe play up his adventurous streak that is implied from his sneaking out of crib and following Lullaby. Also, I might have missed it, but describing him physically would help. I think it would be cute/funny if as an infant he saw himself in a mirror and didn't know who it was at first. Just a random thought.
Anyway, I hope that was helpful. Liked and faved!
If you want to check out my work, please check out Journey to Equestria

[echelonicspearhead]

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors

Story: Iron Vein
Grammar Score: 9
Pros: Interesting way you have written this, setting, style etc.
Interesting storyline, kept me hooked.
Likeable character.

Cons: Slight change in pacing is needed
I think I spotted a bit of inconsistency somewhere.
Can't really think of anything else at the moment.

Notes: The way this has been written has kept me interested. I haven't read another story like this one. The OC is likeable and the style of writing is excellent. You have most definitely earned a favourite (actually I favourited this a couple days ago, just didn't have time to read it until now ) and a like. Keep up the good writing.

I hope you like this review, please help me out by looking at my story The Arrival

[Bellum]

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Story: Iron Vein
Grammar: 9
Pros: Interesting writing style and story
Can easily relate to OC
The grammar is great
Con: Slow down on the pace
Too brief with certain paragraphs
Notes: Too early in the story for a plot so not sure where this is going. However, the way you're writing it caught my attention and the good grammar convey the mood well. Just slow down on the pace and add a more detail to certain scene and you'll be fine.
Enjoy the review and I hope it helpful. Please review my fanfic A Choice. Just a head up, it's kind of long so don't worry about reading it all at once.

[gooshie]

I'm Gooshie from Authors Helping Authors

Iron Vein

Grammar 9

Pros: Different to the other OC story's
Good style of writing, flows very nicely.
Story holds my interest.

Cons: Pacing needs adjusting.
Some scenes seem to fall flat, for me anyway.

Notes: This is a very nice story, very different from the other OC story's, I will definitely be tracking this. Keep up the good work.

[gooshie]

I'm Gooshie from Authors Helping Authors

Iron Vein

Grammar 9

Pros: Different to the other OC story's
Good style of writing, flows very nicely.
Story holds my interest.

Cons: Pacing needs adjusting.
Some scenes seem to fall flat, for me anyway.

Notes: This is a very nice story, very different from the other OC story's, I will definitely be tracking this. Keep up the good work.

You can't review me as I don't have any story's.