I'm running from everything I know, everything I love, and everything that has happened in the last day. I'm going to forget about everything, start life anew. Only one problem;I'm only sixteen. (written in past tense, after he has adjusted to his new life)
***This is a spruce up (and all around better story) to my last attempt at being a writer. Please leave comments to point out errors and what you think. Please only constructive criticism only! Also I need to thank DividebyZero for not only helping me with this idea, but also for being open to a colab/editor. Thanks bro! Also thanks to WarpPony for great and continuous feedback, and for being an underused beta reader, going to be using him a HELL of a lot more with chapters to come.
Chapters (16)
I actually kind of liked this. More description on the main charry's looks and you'd be great!
1705165 thanks man! Dont worry, his description will be in the next chapter!
Interesting
1767524 Interesting as in good, it sparks your attention or interesting as in bad, and needs work? Thanks for the feedback by the way man, i appreciate it.
Looks like the italics didnt want to close, your pacings a little odd but other than that good job so far
1813392 thanks man, and sorry if it bothers ya. The italics indicate his thoughs/inner monologue. Anyway glad you enjoyed it!
I thought he had two broken ribs not three?
1813470 ill get around to fixing whatever needs to be fixed, but again im not too picky when it comes to number words like a few or some. Really it's all just about pointing out that he has broken ribs, not really focusing on the wording of it. Again sorry if this upsets you, just the way I write dude.
There are a few words that you need to swap such as girls= mares boys= colts
1813411 the only thing that bothers me is continuity errors and the misuse of the term " Horseapples" other than that I usually try to point out things that look like small mistakes.
I would prefer abridged chapters please also keep up the good work
All I gotta say is the notes before and during the story disrupt the flow a bit. Try adding them at the end for a more fluid read. Other than that, I like it.
Liking the story can't wait to see who ditzy's mom is
1823906 Thanks a ton for the feedback, I'll keep it in mind this time around! And as always, I'm glad youre enjoying the story!
Ugh Y U UPDATE AT 1AM. Meh ill really look at this later
Sorry for not being able to get back to you, been kinda busy. But I did enjoy this story and I saw no grammatical mistakes. Only problem I see is the transition at the end maybe you put something to signify that the ending was later in time.
1958773 Thanks man, appreciate it! I'll revise it later, right now I'm a little sore and tired.
I have read this through and loved every second of it thanks for a great read!
2899865 Aye! Thanks for the compliment! It's for readers like you that I'm wanting to get the sequel up fairly soon. Alas, I'm a bit lazy, and probably won't get around to it for another few weeks.
The fuck. No offense but this ending is shit. There was so many things you coulda elaborated on. Such as the earth pony lacrosse runner. He could've gotten torque back into lacrosse. We still have no idea what happened to little dinky, hell I don't even know the reaction to dismal law. Haha too bad this story was made so long ago and you probably Arnt even writing anymore haha.
3248993 I wrote this over a year ago with the intention of writing a sequel. Its something thats on a back burner for me, I have two other successful stories I'm dealing with at the moment and cant get inspiration for the sequel.
3248993 It's still on my to do list, but won't see the light of day until I get a miraculous inspiration boost, which will mean I have to go back and read this story again because it was written a year ago; something that I just don't have time for right now. Just rest assured that I will get a sequel out for this sometime this year.
this aint bad, i give this a hoof up
That damn right what you did son
Dito