flutterTorrent

Fluttershy was having a shortage of money, when she discovered that she could get all the latest things, free with no catch, or so it seemed. Soon, all round Ponyville, piracy is being commited everywhere and pretty soon things soon get out of hoof, until Canterlot's most elite task force is sent in to deal with the threat.

P.S. This is my first fanfic and i would love if you could give me ideas and advice, I will try to incorporate as many as can into it. Thanks!

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 15 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 15
- Newest First
- Oldest First

wariyoshi

wariyoshi #1 · Nov 28th, 2012 · · · The Fuse ·

This was your first fanfic? Certainly not bad, better than most people's first ones I'll give it a like

xDan

xDan #2 · Nov 28th, 2012 · · · The Charge ·

brb
I'm going to go develop a flutterTorrent application.

Fanon Canon

Fanon Canon #3 · Nov 28th, 2012 · · · The Charge ·

Damn, look at all those puns

EXOLIEF

EXOLIEF #4 · Nov 28th, 2012 · · · The Fuse ·

Alright, just for the sake of being helpful, I can spot some errors and try to critique for ya

It was a bright, sunny day outside in Ponyville, it was so sunny, everypony had been given a day off from work just to enjoy themselves.

- Split this into two sentences, otherwise it's a run-on.

Twilight organised for it to be done, but nobody was coming until Rarity made everyone go as she was in it.

- This just needs better wording. "Twilight organised the event, but nobody had arrived until Rarity had forced them to go to see her appearance in the film." for example.

But there was only one problem with all this, when Fluttershy had woken up from her sleep, she noticed that Angel was lying just in front of the doorway, seemingly exhausted.

- Don't start a sentence with "but," you can use "However," instead. Also, that period after "this" should be a colon, because you're giving the problem directly afterward.

This bewildered Fluttershy as Angel was never tired, except when he stayed up past midnight, then he would be visible in the middle of the floor, usually surrounded by carrots and ice cream sundaes, wherever he managed to get them from was beyond her.

- This is one BIG run-on sentence. You can split it by ending the sentence at "midnight," and changing the next sentence to start with "Even then, he could be found on the middle of the floor,"
Gotta focus on what sounds right to the reader, not necessarily what sounds right to you.

a rare illness,that causes bunnies to constantly thump at an ear-deafening volume and rapid repetition.

- You don't need that comma after illness because you're already describing it in the sentence and the pause doesn't flow like that.

This left another problem, Rarity had been putting this viewing of the film off for weeks, as she had a lot of orders that she had to fulfill, until, the film only broadcasted for one more day.

- That first comma should be a colon. Also, this needs to be worded better. "and ended up procrastinating until the film was on its final broadcasting day." for example.

Fluttershy had now to make an important choice, leave one of her bunnies behind for a couple of hours, a very risky option, or have the possibility of losing some of her friends.

- Again, colon after "choice" instead of a comma.

they will understand, as afterall, they are your friends, right?’

- Get rid of "as" and make "afterall" into two words.

Her mind gave herself an invisible facehoof, of course they were her friends!

-You could split these into two separate sentences, due to the fact that the latter is more addressing.

But then she thought of how Rainbow Dash would react. After all, the cyan colored pegasus had shouted at her on multiple occasions.

-Don't start a sentence with "but"
-Also, Rainbow Dash isn't Cyan. She's Sky Blue. A lot of people seem to have trouble with this

After at least 5 minutes of thinking, Fluttershy came to her decision, she would have to look after Angel and hope that her friends would accept that she wouldn’t be able to come.

-You could use a colon instead of a comma after "decision."

Um... I will not be able to make it to the theatre today... if thats ok with you...Angel is very sick and I need to take care of him. I’m so very sorry for any inconvenience caused...is that ok with you?

- Needs quotation marks around the text here.
-You could get rid of the second "is that ok with you?" Fluttershy's shy, but she's not redundant

Immediately she got 4 replies saying that it was ok, though Rarity’s one implied that she was disappointed. Soon after she got an ‘if you must’ from Rainbow Dash.

-Needs a comma after "immediately," and after "soon after."
-Also, Rainbow Dash saying "if you must" in and of itself seems out of character to me

All in all, it's okay, so far, but this didn't really need to be split into a first chapter for setup. It could very well have been the beginning of the story as a whole with the next chapter in this same one, since both are so short.

Brony of the Revolution