It appears some changelings appear to have not been fully pushed out of Equestria, and a team of royal guards are sent to investigate, and if necessary, eradicate the problem.
Shining armor is not sure he can cope with this. Still not yet recovered from the attack during his wedding, and his mind control, he finds himself having to face what could be his words fear: ponies that had to go through what he did.
But he won't back down from this mission, and he may yet learn something about himself, and maybe even get better.
Hey guys, Wolffy here.
Just to let you know, this'll probably be around 3 or 4 parts/chapters long. The tags won't make much sense for the first chapter, mainly 'cause it's setting the scene.
There will be some pretty graphic violence in later parts. Not 'ludicrous gibs' graphic, more 'yes, people will be injured, and it won't be pretty' graphic.
Any comments or critiques are welcomed!
Hope you enjoyed the story so far!
Cleverly written, I think this was well done.
>Changelings
>Eradicate
>Problem
1687949
Thanks! Is there anything in particular you like?
1688798
Aww, don't cry!
This'll be a fairly pony centric fic, but I might write a more changeling centric story at some point
I will be commenting more substantially once I actually read your fic (expect it within 2-4 days or so). The idea seems at first glance to be very similar to one I had in mind (damn you ), so I'll be very intrigued to see how this turns out. Good luck, at any rate. At least you appear to have a minimal grasp of grammar (though you used a run-on in your description...)
--
IX, of Writers on Writing, Freezecast Reviewers, SCI (primarily), Athanix's Writers' Workshop, and so many others that I can't even remember...
Great minds think a like!
Um, where's the run-on? I seem to be unable to find it
Interesting story, and I like the idea, although some of your paragraphs seem to drone a little bit, (although that may just be my short attention span) while others seem unusually short. On a different note, I don't like the name Cruithne, as the ponies in the show all use english words, or *COUGH COUGH* CELESTIA *COUGH COUGH*, latin-ish. Cruithne seems to stand out a bit, and it seems a little weird to me.
Nonetheless, I am very interested to see where this goes, and I shall most definitely keep reading it. Keep up the excellent writing standards that you have now given yourself.
Thankyou Madam,
Fighting_oreo
Warning: This comment contains the entire story. If you don't want spoilers, DON'T read this story!
Hello there, Wolffy. I've seen your story in the Struggling Authors folder, and I'm here to see if I can offer any sort of advice on both this piece and any future writing you may endeavor to. Please note that this is only my opinion on what works and what doesn't; you may take these comments and criticisms any way you wish.
And since this is your first story on here, I hope you become much better.
Before I begin, I need to point something out in your synopsis: you didn't capitalize "Armor" in "Shining Armor." Please fix that.
Now onto your story!
So this paragraph is your first impression to us, the readers, and here's what I have to say about it: it's a bit verbose and odd. I don't like how you explained each character's jobs, like Lieutenant of the ____ guard and whatnot; I assume they're already familiar with each other and their positions; even if they're not, explaining it here, in the first paragraph, seems to slow it down a lot.
Also, I don't think "beatifically" was a good word choice here. She just resolved something, so I would expect her to smile contentedly rather than blissfully.
But that may be just me. Here's what I have thus far:
Shining Armor--going to investigate Appleloosa
Lieutenant Cruithne--going to investigate Appleloosa
Lieutenant Solar Flare--maintaining security for Canterlot
Princess Celestia--the organizer of this mission
Let's move on to your next paragraph.
This part in orange is something I have a problem with because it feels like you're rushing very badly. Most readers, I believe, don't like being told everything outright; in fact, this is more telling than showing. Knowing the established character, we would think he would be either a) dutiful and go there, b) excited to continue the fight against the changelings, or c) worried a bit about how this interferes with his recent marriage. This bitterness he's showing with his trying and failing to smile,as well as the stirring of dust on the desk, are unusual, and readers would like to guess why he's acting like that. Telling us that he feels weak and guilty about being under Chrysalis' control takes the fun out.
I also believe "crushed" isn't a good word here. Implying that he's already been crushed by it makes this weak. If you're going this route, I think "crushing" would be a better word choice, since it puts the crushing guilt at an active role here, making its involvement in Shining Armor more alive.
I must say that if this paragraph is any indication, you know how to use small actions and body language effectively. I'll see what happens later on.
Shining Armor--guilty about not getting rid of all changelings
Okay, so when we get to dialogue, your actions seem to falter. Telling us that Cruithne was trying to get a better look at Shining Armor's eyes is weak; if you're trying to show her awkwardness, as I'm assuming from the rest of dialogue here, you should just show us that she's craning her neck to stare into his eyes. Then when you have Shining Armor turn his head to Celestia, there's no character commentary here; we don't gleam anything about the situation or their relationship. I also think that you're rushing the accusations of Shining Armor feeling guilty. I recommend having a bit more of a build-up to that.
Also, "any" and pluralizing "migraine" seems like a bad move. Cruithne is worried about him now, right? She would be worried if he has a migraine now, so pluralizing it seems trivial.
Here's another way you could've wrote this:
This is just me, though.
The first part is telling and not showing. Why not just have Celestia interrupt the conversation? We don't need to be told this. The second part, to me, sounds completely OOC. Please look at that again and think about if Celestia would actually say that given the circumstances and her character.
That part in orange is, again, telling and not showing. I suggest in a case like this to cut everything from "but" to "back" and have the dialogue as its own paragraph like this:
Also, she hasn't reproached him yet, so using this word here doesn't seem right.
The interaction here seems alright, although the telling us of Shining Armor's fears earlier ruins the impact of this scene. It's obvious that Shining Armor is stressed, and it's obvious that Celestia cares for him.
Now, I said that the interaction was good; what was actually said bothers me. You do acknowledge that Shining Armor was under Chrysalis' control for most of the story, and that was, in my opinion, effectively used to create doubt. What I have a problem with is this: Shining Armor couldn't wipe them out without Cadence's power of love. I feel as though both of their neglect of that is odd, and creates a fairly big hole in the justification of Shining Armor's doubts. Can I defeat this without Cadence? I almost want to say "who cares?"
But I may be the only person bothered by that. Like I said, the interactions were good.
So here's what I have from completing the scene in this room:
-Shining Armor doubts his ability to continue fighting the changelings, but will fight anyway despite his fears
-Celestia, although worried about him, trusts him enough to send him away
-Cruithne is awkward
-Solar Flare is just chillin'
Now we move on to the scene with Cruithne and Solar Flare!
I actually have no problem with this part. I do question the "strange" light, but not enough to complain about it.
Getting nitpicky, I think the underlined words "to" and "then" are dead words. Consider taking them out.
Getting less nitpicky, you have problems with ellipses, I think. Given how awkward Cruithne appears to be, I don't feel as though she would hesitate to muse on a word before saying it. It sounds odd. Given how blunt Solar Flare feels here, I don't think he'd deliberate either. You know your characters, though, but it sounded odd to me.
I do like the bantering that went on, and the part about the literal/figurative was amusing.
That comma isn't needed. I also question your usage of the term "T-Junction" when referring to a hallway; I've not heard it used in that context, but it could be acceptable. I will say that I believe the interactions here are nice.
There are some places where I think you're stating it too bluntly. When you say that he had more pressing concerns, I think you could do with saying he quickly shook that minor doubt out of his mind and focused on the bigger task. When you mention Shining Armor trusting his instincts in this instance feels out of place and unnecessary; maybe rewording it to where he considered his instinct more, instead of outright saying he trusted it, would help strengthen the paranoia and doubt he's feeling.
There are also places I feel are odd. With how blunt everything is, describing his bodily condition as being "hit by saucepans" and "like clay" feels bad. It doesn't fit in this place; I could understand it if it were a bit more humorous of a situation, where the colorful imagery would boost the humor, but you're describing a serious situation, so the colorful imagery feels completely out of place here. I think something like
would be better for this particular tone The hammer analogy honestly doesn't bother me as much, but it might other people; keep that in mind.
Please also focus on the silver parts; these are sections that I don't understand at all. The first part about the other things being a given confuse me. What's the importance of that? Why wasn't it mentioned in the report? Why, in the changeling case, are the other things potentially important? The second part--either by wording or the actual content--I don't understand at all. I can't make out what you're trying to convey there. It's incredibly unclear.
Finally, and this is nitpicky, I don't think you used the word "hypothetical" correctly, but I'm not entirely sure. Please double-check that to see if you did.
So we've reached the first ***, and my summary is this so far: you have show-don't-tell problems, your word choice is questionable, and you're rushing your divulging of information. You do have points where body language is good, and your dialogue seems reasonable.
Now to the scene with Shining Armor and Cadence!
I actually like your scenery here. The dancing shadows transforming into changeling limbs appears to be a good psychological tactic to show Shining Armor's plight. I will suggest moving Cadence's dialogue to a new paragraph, to organize it better.
Also, I think that part in orange could be worded better. It sounds a bit clunky as is. Please look at this:
Please play around with that sentence YOU have, and see if you can't word it better. Anyway, I think the phrase "too many" isn't necessary.
That part in orange seems awkward. Other than that, I think this is nice dialogue. The first part about having a big trip seems a tad weak, but that may be just me. I don't think I can suggest an adequate change to that.
I think this is a very nice exchange between Cadence and Shining Armor. I do have to complain about how you described the sky as "deep blue" and "fiery gold." I don't think your story is descriptive enough, or is in either the right place or mood, to warrant these. Besides, "fiery gold" seems like it would come after "the cool blue" instead of the "deep" blue. If the character were staring at the sky extensively, then the colorful imagery could add an exploratory feeling; if characters were preparing for war, then the harsh cold deep blue sky being replaced by a fiery sky could be symbolic of how even the sky is preparing for war.
But that may just be me.
1. Travel OFF Appleloosa? Do you mean travel TO Appleloosa?
2. "500-metre" should probably be hyphened, since these two things are describing one aspect of laps: the distance (both the numerical distance and the units the distance are in).
3. Considering what fandom you're writing for, you should probably write "hooves" instead of "feet". Consider this.
4. I think "the fact THAT he" would sound better.
5. I think you need either a comma or a dash at that last part. "...to do, and Cruithne's glares, kept him..." or "...to do--and Cruithne's glares--kept him..." Both look good to me, but one is more correct than the other. I'm not sure which, and I apologize for that, but i do believe that either of those will make this sound better.
You don't need punctuation after a quote if you already have a punctuation mark in the quote. "Aye, aye!". <- This is incorrect. "Aye, Aye!" is fine. Also, that part in Silver makes no sense to me. "They'll get annoyed by it! " Why did he wink? This seems like an out-of-place action, but I'm not sure. I do like what you have here, though.
"By golly" seems completely out of place. Other than that, no complaints.
...What? This is the cliffhanger that we have, this is what we come to? He already slept in the last scene, so this doesn't do anything. This is a very weak ending. There's no comments on Shining Armor's character, on the situation, on the scenery or atmosphere--it feels as though it ends prematurely!
Well, this is chapter one, and I do hope you get better. Your dialogue seems fine for now, and your body language seems, for the most part, good. There don't seem to be any consistent grammatical errors.
There are a lot of things you can focus on, though, but don't worry yourself over all of them.
-At times, the way you have things worded doesn't come across clearly--at least for me.
-Quit musing on your character all the time. Let the reader try and understand the character, and let the scene develop through the characters' emotions and their own reasoning.
-Stop wording things descriptively when they don't warrant it. Read the first chapter of Imploding Colon's "Austraeoh" and see how he uses language to evoke a mood. When you describe the sky, it comes across as you trying too hard; when he does it, it appears as though everything has a justifiable effect.
-Work on your pacing.
-Work on your word choice (possibly)
-Also, and this is related specifically to this story, the way you're mixing his worrying about his abilities and his determination to get the job done isn't good. When he talks about being under the power of Chrysalis, AND THEN talks about him doing the job no matter what, I was left scratching my head. I didn't know when he felt balked and when he felt determined; it didn't come through clearly. Please have small moments where either the doubts creep into his mind or he pushes them out to focus on his job.
I hope this review finds you as helpful. Again, this is not meant to discourage you in any way; it is only meant to help you. I will not comment as in-depth as I just did next time, since this is the first chapter of your first story. I hope to see you improve.
I wish you the best of your talents with the rest of this story!