A new character arrives in Equestria, lost in a new world, or at least, the only world he now knows. Without memory or a clue, this alicorn will try to become a part of his new home and make some friends along the way. Why he isn't like everypony else is unclear to him, but he is definitely a part of something larger than just an odd occurrence.
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Not many errors in the strictest sense that I can see, although you did kinda just post a self insert Alicorn OC on a website shared by the TWE.
Good luck with that.
Choo Choo?
Generic mary-sue alicorn OC story #51649856146923 has been uploaded: I bet it will be like MW3 and try something completely new and different! Amirite?
1656955
*Cough* Black Ops 2 *Cough*
Ok. Your grammar and prose is very good...
but as the person above me said... Alicorn.
Let me see... Anthony seems like a very human name, so I'm going to assume that this is one of those 'human gets turned into a pony' fic. (And if your name is Anthony or this was intended to be a self insert then get out)
Now. Ask yourself. Does it have to be an Alicorn. Alicorns have access to the wings of a pegasi, the magic of a unicorn and the endurance and strength of an earth pony. Theoretically under most conditions they're able to overcome all obstacles. If your character will grow into something like that then god have mercy on your soul.
Next: The romance tag. Either a princess or one of the Mane 6 is going to fall in love with the Alicorn. That will get you a lot of downvotes. Walk your path wisely if he does enter a romance. It can be pulled off good but if it isn't then more downvotes.
Maybe rethink the Alicorn and you could have a story that will get upvotes.
fc03.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/267/e/e/twe_reviewer_by_thorlol-d5frzwm.png
Thorlol: TWE Resident Scarf Knitter
I see downvotes, and I see complaints of the alicorn protagonist... but I also see people saying the story isn't irredeemably bad. And yet, no upvotes... these are the sort of comments I'd see on a story with the green fighting with the red to gain dominance. I get the feeling that either comments are being deleted here or most people are just seeing the alicorn HiE with a Romance tag and automatically downvoting. I think I see the second option to be the most likely; maybe it got dislike-bombed enough to hit the TWE folders, and the non-reviewer lurkers got to it? Seriously, I see mention of redeeming quality, and while I don't have the time now to really look at the story, and while it's obviously in our folders for a good reason, I'm kind of surprised there's not even one upvote.
EDIT: Okay, there IS one, and it's not from me. That kind of invalidates most of my comment. But I'm kind of too lazy to delete it, so...
CHOO CHOO MOTHER FUCKER!!!
-Alicorn OC
-Lost their Memory
-Gonna fuck all the mane 6
-Self Insert Alicorn OC
Error 404 Fucks not found
1657030 Seriously? You're still here?
1657077
What do you mean? He's being totally edgy and showing how much of a rebel he is by bucking authority and playing by his own rules.
Alicorn... Male alicorn.... Probably a Mary sue one....
Yeah.... This story has great potential....
But I'll pass, thank you....
TWE's Scribblestick here to identify the source of the downvote swarm!
>reads story
Well, that wasn't horrible at all. You have a few tense shifts (verbs in past and present) and your style was a touch clunky at times, but the writing actually isn't bad. Despite the fact that your character is an alicorn with a human name, I kind of like him, and if he is a human turned pony, congratulations, you've made him believable!
That being said, alicorn OCs are very unpopular around here because they're almost always done horribly. Thorlol already talked about why that's hard to pull off, and I recommend asking yourself if making him an alicorn is really necessary. So often, it's not.
Whelp, that's all from me. Good luck!
~Scribblestick, TWE's notoriously friendly moderator
1656981 I agree with that it would seem that you need to lead slowly into the romance and maybe rewrite the story and not make him an alicorn thats my opinion
I'm gonna do a real review this time! So, for starters -- none of the criticism you recieve from actual TWE members (I am not one, but a few have commented already) nor anyone else is meant to discourage you from writing. On the contrary, we just want you to be able to improve so you can be happy with the results. Anyone who posts something like 'Go piss in your own mouth'? That is NOT constructive criticism, and you should feel free to write such commentary off as useless.
Let's take it from the top, shall we?
The Title: So, my friend. I notice that you've got a newly registered account. I'm not going to be condescending and assume that you've never read a ponyfic before, but I am going to make the assumption that you haven't lurked on this particular site long enough to notice the trend regarding alicorn OCs. As others have said before me, alicorn OCs will kill a story faster than a landmine in a cornfield. While they can be done correctly, or at least in such a manner that their presence does not intrude on Celestia and Luna's territory, this is difficult to pull off for even experienced writers, and usually alicorn OCs end up being overpowered, falling into the Mary Sue or Gary Stu category, and overall being irritating characters. Because of the slew of stories like this, many people will simply downvote a story to hell if they just see the image of an alicorn OC as the cover for the story. You seem to have avoided that very issue, but you undo that good by flat out stating that an alicorn OC will be involved in the title. You might want to rethink that decision, if you want to draw people in to actually read before downvoting.
Grammar, Spelling, Etc: Your fic is written incredibly well. You have a few points where you shift tenses, and a few sentences read a little awkwardly, but overall the spacing/mechanics are good and it stands out from a lot of other alicorn OC stories because of that. I'll go through and point out places in which you need to take care of a tense shift or other issue:
Insert a 'to' after clouds
Latter half of the sentence reads a little strangely, and extra 'ands' can be replaced with commas: coating each tree, bush, and pathway. You can chop off that last 'in snow', for repetition's sake.
You need to, at some point, mention that it is now morning. Just a quick reference.
rushes --> rushed
are --> were, might make --> could (although you can do whatever with that one, just flip it to past tense)
she and her sister
.
stands --> stood
take out that 'had'. Tis unnecessary. : )
Capitalize that 'I', doesn't matter that it's in the middle of the sentence.
Kill the 'of'.
Don'tcha mean unfortunate 'pony'? ^_~
enveloped
Echoed, although you might want to consider the sentence that comes after it. A very faint noise isn't going to echo, although Celestia and Anthony would likely hear Luna's hoofsteps.
Just as an example, since this sentence is from Anthony's POV, person is fine; we're assuming that even though he doesn't remember anything, he might still think of himself as a person. Celestia, however...
Does he remember WHAT he was? Or just his name?
That's about it for mechanical issues. You clearly don't have much of a problem with that, which is great!
The Plot: With only a single chapter, I've no idea where you're leading this, so I can't comment on the plot much. I do applaud you for having the guards and the princesses react with concern instead of simply accepting that he's an alicorn; a lot of alicorn OC stories disregard the fact that not only is being an alicorn tremendously rare (given that Cadence was supposed to be mere unicorn there should be but two alicorns in existence), but it's a sign of belonging to the royal bloodline somehow. I will warn you against three traps I see a lot of writers fall into, though:
Romance with one of the Main Characters -- Don't do this if you don't have to, but if you must, build it up. And by build it up, I mean spend a good bit of time establishing a relationship between the character and your OC, first as friends, then leading into something more. Love at first sight does happen, but it's so terribly cliche that that's going to turn people off immediately and prevent them from reading further. Besides, I would avoid it if you can anyway, because OCs shipped with Mane 6 usually smell of author wish fulfillment, and that, too, rubs readers the wrong way. Minor characters are more acceptable.
We Need a Point -- There are scads and oodles of stories about a human in Equestria trying to fit in and make friends. To make yours stand out, you're going to need to have action aside from Anthony just walking around and getting used to living in Ponyville, because it has been done sososo many times before. You mention that his being an alicorn isn't an odd occurence? Have that be your backing to the story. Some kind of strange event alluding to whatever the issue is, Celestia and Luna being on guard because of some abnormality...you want to infuse your story with a sense of tension that will keep us reading about some guy being in Equestria all of a sudden.
He Cannot Teleport Yet -- Anthony doesn't remember anything besides his name. Therefore, any power he may have as an alicorn is not functional at this point. Alicorns and unicorns innately have the ability to channel their magic; to actually use it to levitate or do anything else is a learned ability. Twilight is powerful as all hell, and she struggled to turn a page after months of studying. It'll go a long way towards convincing readers that Anthony is (a) a pawn in something and (b) not an overpowered alicorn OC punk if you refrain from imbuing him with any kind of power at all for awhile. Even if he begins to learn to use that power, pacing is key. Not too fast.
Characterization: We've only seen Celestia, Luna, and Anthony thus far, but the first two are done very well. Celestia is kind without being too naive, Luna comes off as brash but she's really thoughtful, and still suffers from being known as Nightmare Moon. Good job. I will question them immediately sending him to Ponyville, though. That does go against Celestia's better judgement. This decision would go over better if they keep him in Canterlot for a few days of observation before deciding he's no threat. But that's my own opinion, take that as you will.
Conclusion: Not bad, hon! Keep going, make those minor mechanical changes, and figure out how to scale Anthony down so that you rack up more upvotes and constructive criticism instead of people saying they won't read it simply because alicorn OC.
1657371
Yeah, I get the whole clunky reviews from my teachers at school as well. It's like my number one weakness. I know about the whole, alicorn downfall/downvote situation here, and I'm going to die trying with this story.
>> Spalding
Uh-huh.
Of course, with the romance tag, nobody wants another pRince Martin Willis, though I have hopes.
1658786 gots more guts then me kid gots more guts then me
I feel that this *might* have been a mistake, Anthony...
I'm behind you, supporting this story... 75%.
I told you in school that the alicorn idea was unpopular, and it would upset some people.
I should have gone over the spelling and grammar with you on Skype. My mistake.
"...Alicorn OCs will kill a story faster than a landmine in a cornfield." I'm sorry, but Papillon Rose got that one right.
I told you not to romance. What do you do? Romance.
1656906
This guy's got a point.
Again. I want to see where this goes, friend. Remember, you're posting on a fairly large website full of many types of critics. Roll with the punches, buddy.
Your friend,
][
][
][
][
] Three facehooves out of five. We'll need to revise together.
_Matt
[
Not bad so far. You see to have avoided a lot of the traps new writers have, especially with Alicorns.
Before I talk about the story, there are a couple things I want to address:
First, the title seems out of place. It sounds like the title to a B movie or a comedy fic, but that doesn't seem to be what you're going for, so it feels out of place.
Second, a human in Equestria fic needs the Human tag, even if they've been turned into a pony. If Anthony isn't supposed to be a human turned into a pony, then his name is extremely out of place and you need to give him a new one.
Third, I noticed the Other character tag on this fic. Since you haven't introduced all the major players in the fic yet, I can't say it's wrong, but I want to make sure you are using this properly, since a lot of users use it for OCs, which is incorrect. The Other tag is for canon characters that don't have their own character tag.
Now into the story itself.
So far, the character being an alicorn actually seems to serve the plot. The content of this chapter would need plot changes if they were a different race. Kudos. Still, I would step back, examine the long-term plot, and see if he actually needs to be an alicorn to serve his role in the story.
Neither Princess seems to react to how out of place he name is. It's possible that they know something we don't, but if not, this seems like it would provoke at least an odd look.
Given Anthony's current confusion and lack of dialog, there isn't enough to gauge his personality, so I think it would take another chapter to see if he's a Mary Sue, but your writing so far leaves me hopeful.
Since being an alicorn and being a self-insert make it dangerously easy to make the character a Mary Sue, I suggest reading http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/SoYouWantTo/AvoidWritingAMarySue if you aren't already aware of the common pitfalls.
Make sure the character is relatable and balanced. Don't get too attached to the character - it tends to make you want to avoid putting them in conflict and to be unreasonably generous to them.
Since you have the Romance tag, you'll want to be especially careful of this with the speed of the relationship. All of the existing characters have personalities that would progress through a relationship at different speeds, but none of them are likely to enter a romantic relationship with a stranger quickly
I see a lot of potential in you, so I'm going to follow this story to see where you go with it, but I'm going to hold off a few chapters before I vote up or down on it.
Here have a like
I usually don't do this, but....Time to be serious.
The idea of the story is very good, and your grammer and spelling would make Celestia happy.
I also know people have been...upset about your alicorn idea. On the other hand, I actually like it. It is somewhat unusual for a new Alicorn to be brought into the picture. I also admire your idea to have him suffer from memory loss. 
It is EXTREMELY difficult to write a good fanfic when humans are involved.
Unfortuantly, I also have some negative criticism. My main issue with this story is his name. 'Anthony' just seems a little to human, and somewhat suggests the idea that you will turn this into a 'human-turned-pony' fanfic, and PLEASE don't go down that road.
FINALLY! One word of advice- Take the romance slowly. A fanfic of mine crashed and burned from that. Tread carefully, and you should be good to go :)
yay im first
but i need more
Okay good try in having him affintive to something (or however the word is said)
Okay, I changed the name to the story, and that's because it's original title just wasn't doing it for me. I like it being more vague. So... yeah. New title...
1868340
so far so good
Very nice and interesting story so far! Ignore the dislikes and update soon! Want to see more!
1985671
Thanks mate, I'll make that update soon! I hated taking so long with this next chapter. Hope I don't dissapoint in the next chapter!
It's only has being a weak and Celestia is already toy with him? Celestia, that is cold, no, more than cold, I think no even Discord could be this cruel. He is just starting to accept the fact that he was a new world to adapt, not to mention, the fact that he has to endure his new (and force) royal position.
What happen to you? in the first chapter you were all worried and want to help, now you want to tease him?
I know you are warming up, to the fact that he was or would be (it's was confusing the way you put it, did the ponys know about of his existents or will find out?) Your new, younger brother, but I image you be more supported and nutrient toward him, not cruel, for shame of you Celestia, for shame.
Also, that prank kind of back fire eh Celestia? Not only, you executed a poor plan but you give him a way out. As soon as he find out how to transform, if he is not introduced to the society, he can change back to be a unicorn, declare himself as orphan and start a life as a normal pony. so I suggest, don't take this situations that is very delicate as some joke, or things can get out of hooves very quickly. And also, why neither of them is teaching him magic? Celestia is already a teacher, and Luna is pretty smart. I know they have their normal duties, but still Celestia had them and still could take time to teach Twilight, not to mention as Alicorn is magic could be very powerful and without proper guides unstable. So far the basic occur without incident, but still is a very big risk.
Your story is good and the subject is very interesting but this chapter…well it was good and a very efficient way to explain how it will work he being royal, but I still think Celestia was a little out of character. Well is only my opinion and I can very easily being wrong, I only ask you to answer me why she act so cold and heartless, toward a(in my opinion) very delicate situation.
P.S: How is his relationship with Luna? In the last chapter, she sound genuine concern, about his well being and could related with his situations, so I imagine her be sweet and patience with him, as well and no hostile, that will not have much sense.
2001261
Holy... Wow. I was waiting for somebody to do this! Okay, so here we go...
Celestia has always been the "sunny/happy" type of person the way I see it, so I want her to be quicker in the whole getting him into the swing of things. I'm pretty sure I'm wording things poorly, but only through the story telling itself can I find a way to explain this stuff.
Luna is going to be much more influential with Anthony, but I can;t be giving away spoilers on that! I promise the next chapter will have plenty of Luna time, likely a lot of Luna time.
I 'm a bit clueless though with that heartless bit though... Feel free to respond back on this thing or if you really want to get in depth, you can send a private message. Keep in mind, this is my first fic, ever. soo... Yeah! I'm a total greenhorn with this stuff. Thanks for the read on the story nonetheless!
2005384
no problem, your story is really good, I didn't catch completely what you mean by sunny/happy about Celestia, or rather I didn't get what you mean.
As for the heartless, well think about it, place yourself in the shoe of your character. You have amnesia, you are in a complete new body, and any chance of having a normal life is out of the window, and you don't want it. As you said, he fell extremely lonely, there is virtually nobody to relay. That is why is very happy with his guard, because is a light of hoped, but is only have being a weak, he is still down, he still feels lonely and depress, bottom line he is extremely vulnerable and easy to break mentally. Think about it, if Discord appear right now and just bombarded him saying that he is never going to find a place to call home, that he will never fit, and he has the weight of an entire world over his shoulder, with what can he fight back? He can very easily have a breakdown.
And what Celestia did, was almost like kicking him, in the guts when he was only starting to stand up, not only that but also show him that their is a way for him to be normal, even if it mean that it will be a lie, just to crush it in front of him…well more like close the door but you get it. And as I said, he from the start, never wish to be royal, and with almost nothing to holding back, he could choose to live a lie in a heart bit. Is to soon for Celestia to being playing pranks at him, or at least pranks that involve his situations (Is like giving a wig to someone with a Cancer and is just starting the treatment), yeah I can accept one or two jokes now and them as long as their are funny and not just cruel, and what she did was a little cruel, that is why I think she went a little to far. And more that she is starting to treat him as a brother but they never told him nothing and just pass from the bonding to the pranking, that is not how it work, and he don't know how to see them, he still see just rulers that force him, to be royal, but not their siblings
2005547
Okay, now I understand!
I mean to make Celestia a bit awkward in this story. One, because I'd like to make an imperfect ruler. I hate perfect figures. Also, she hasn't had sibling interaction for over I don't know... 1,000 years? I know I place this story a few years after all the events of the season 3 premier, and that should be enough time, but I don't think so for the sake of the story's plot. The whole her coming off as cruel will be a side effect of that whole awkwardness.
Also, I want Anthony to be a strong character. Let me rephrase that, I want him to have A strong character, get what I mean? He is a naturally resilient pony, and he is not easily downed by some feelings. I wanted to get that across in the first chapter, but I'm pretty sure I didn't get that across too well by the loos of things.
I really appreciate all this input! I'd love it if you could do this for each chapter. Definitely helps with the writing process.
2005584
Oh I will, try, and know I get why you put her like that,after all she know how to be with her sister but this is her first brother, just try to tuned down a little, she may be getting, the idea of a sibling, but she still must understand when enough is enough.
and if it help, latter own, if she continue with bad pranks you can always make him said.
"Princess, I respect you and I can't thank you or your sister enough for accepting me in your family"
"Awww, thanks, that is…"
"But,I warn you, stop with the pranking or subject to the consequences"
"Uyy I so scare"
Tell me if you like it, and I will tell you what can you do, a clue it enveloped maskintape