xCrossx
Joined 25th Oct, 2012 ·
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I would say that, so far, this is not bad overall, but you definitely need to flesh out the story more. A story like this is in need of a longer, more detailed story that can let readers get better used to the main character and the events surrounding him. Not a bad start, but it definitely has a lot of potential to be something more.
1651660 It's on hold right now.
1652406
Well this story definitely has potential, so with some polish I bet you could do a lot with this character and setting.
1652416 Yeah. I'll come back some day. I should really find a site for non-pony stuff for this other story that is so old but I am so proud of the story itself... And then get back to said story, of course.
Hmm. This is fairly good so far. Although, the action is a little difficult to follow at times. I had to read the part where Shadowdust picked up the raider a couple times to get what happened. *Shrug* Maybe that was just me.
Anyways, completely agree with ToixStory. The chapters need to be fleshed out, the main character needs more depth other than "I fuck up raiders all day!". Even if that is all he does, surely there is ten-fold more that could be expressed. By all means, don't rush the development, it just needs to trickle in. Since you've already read (at least part of) Kkat's Fallout: Equestria, that would be a good place to analyze and get tips from. Re-read it and think about what it is Kkat's doing. For darker stuff, you could also read Somber's FO:E Project Horizons. It's a Fallout: Equestria inspired side story, and it's quite good.
Only a few spelling and grammar errors. I suggest when you finish a chapter, take a break for a day or two and then proofread it. That, and/or you could get a proofreader or editor. Kkat and Somber did.
Best of luck on your FO:E story! I'll be waiting for more.
1658352 I got bored with PH. And I completed FO:E. That completion is what compelled me. And the idea is that he gets fleshed out of this nothingness he's in by meeting two very unique ponies, one more so, especially if you have read my previous stories. Tip: he's an OC based off of an epic artist.