Proofreader, procrastinating author, human: that's me. Feel free to send me a PM if you ever want anything proofread!
When the lines between reality and visions are blurred, a pony's and a person's life can go awry. Dreams and everyday life should never be mixed, but when it can't be stopped, what do you do? The life of Freeze is not like any other pony. Brian's life isn't quite normal either.
The only problem is, they are the same life.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Huh, I saw one like this before where the nurse was some weird thing and stuff.
1644999 Huh, interesting. I'm not entirely sure how to respond to that.
Premise in the story description sounded interesting, like it'd be a story about doubting what's real and a drift into insanity without the reader knowing which side actually is real. First chapter makes leaves a certain amount of confusion, yes (especially because of the episode prediction) but it feels like neither can be real, or the human time is real, which doesn't the proper fealing of doubt to arise. - Perhaps I was missreading your story description though and went in with false expectations.
Also, I'm not entirely sure if I'm using the term correctly, but I think you still have some "show, don't tell" issues, in that a lot of your text is cold description.
Still, for a first attempt it wasn't a bad read. No glaring spelling/grammar issues, care was taken to have proper formation and writing was engaging enough to make me read it without any breaks.
1645064 Wow! Thanks! For the comment. I think i get the "show, don't tell" issue, but would you mine putting in some quotes as examples? It would really help.
Yay! No breaks!
164516
I'm no writer and not really comfortable trying to pick out single lines to demonstrate a concept, which I myself still struggle with. I would, however, recommend the blogs by Wanderer D (the how to guides for learning about writing ... pretty sure in one of them the "show, don't tell" is explained and tips are given for how to avoid it or how to find it in the first place)
1645303 Ooooh, thanks! I'll be sure to check those out.