Equestria Livestream!

by Jomama

Headaches

A lone individual stirs in the grass as the sun invades his eyes. The unfortunate guys name is Matt, and he is greeted by the familiar embrace of a hangover as he begins to wake up.

“Did someone spike my scotch last night?”

The young man is of a medium build with short brown hair, and a goatee with a red tint. He stands up at a height of 6 feet even only to immediately sit back down as his head feels like its about to split open. Did I drink a whole bottle or something? Once the initial pain goes down from the equivalent of a jackhammer to an episode of Big Bang Theory, Matt takes his first real look at his surroundings to discover that he’s a long way from home. Apple trees, apple trees everywhere. Matts drinking friends liked to prank him from time to time, but this is extreme even for them. These are the types of friends that have made it impossible for Matt to look at carrots the same way again, not ditch him in the middle of an apple grove.

“There aren’t even any apple farms nearby. How did I even get here?”

Matt suddenly becomes aware of his growling stomach, and decides to make the most of his situation by helping himself to an apple.

“If God throws you into an apple orchard, eat an apple.”

What is quickly deemed the best apple he’s ever had, Matt quickly begins to wolf down several apples. The natural sugar and the sheer volume of juice inside of them rehydrates Matt more with each apple as his hangover fades to a level that would prevent Matt from scaring small children. While distracted from reaching for his seventh apple, a rope lasso suddenly finds its way over his head, and around his upper body. Matt is caught completely off guard and quickly losses his balance when whoever lassoed him up makes a strong pull and Matt falls over hard with the side of his head finding a rock. Matt passes out almost instantly, but not before hearing hearing some say in a southern accent, “what in tarnation are you?”

******

Matt wakes up again with headache to make friends with his hangover (they become fast friends). He takes note that he’s in an old fashion barn filled with hay, wooden tools, farming equipment, and lots of rope, some of which is tied around him currently. The lack of any even remotely current technology along with the recent assault provoked by only eating a few apples is reason enough for Matt to assume the worse as he think of how to escape the barn before anyone shows up. Who knows what these hillbillies will do to him when they come back?

Fortunately, Matt’s captors did a terrible job tying him up. The ropes and knots were tight enough, but he was tied up in the most bizarre spots. Instead of the sensible areas like around his ankles and wrists, one loop was around his knees and another was over his shoulders and around his elbows. Matt made quick work of his bondage removing the rope with some simple wiggling until the ropes were inched low enough down his body to become loose enough for them to just be taken off and around his feet.

Matt would have taken half as long if he weren’t constantly distracted by an inconsistent pinging sound that he kept hearing. The first few times he heard this noise he froze and looked around trying to identify the source. After a few fruitless tries he just assumed the rock hit him harder than he thought and finished his work just as he begins to hear what sounds like several horses trotting.

“Of course these hicks have horses,” Matt mutters to himself as he scrambles to get to the back door. He opens and closes the door as quietly as he can and sprints for the closest apple grove to hide behind. If they have horses, than it would be a very brief chase if they saw him trying to leave.

When mere feet away from a dense patch of apple trees he sees a brief flash of purple light around all the trees as if someone was shining a flashlight from behind him.

what the...?

“There he is Applejack!”

Crap crap crap!

Suddenly a bright purple light is cast in front of Matt as he comes to a dead stop. Matt is stunned to see a light purple unicorn with some thin indigo highlights in its (her?) hair. Even though it wasn’t human, Matt could read the unicorns face and gauged it looked about half as shocked as he felt.

“What are you?” the unicorn asks incredulously.

Of course it talks. Matt’s brain does the equivalent of clapping its hands while saying “I’m out,” as animal instincts set in. Matt faints left, but turns right, to resume his sprint only to be lifted into the air by a purple light. Panic overtakes Matt quickly as he thrashes around wildly only to have this unknown force to tighten around him, preventing him from moving.

“Please calm down! I’m not going to hurt you!” yells the voice trying to calm Matt down in vain.

The stress from waking up in an unfamiliar area twice, getting his head smashed on a rock (which is swelling), and now being immobilized in the air by a freaking talking purple unicorn it too much for him to take. What pushes him over the edge though was a sudden barrage of computerized voices all screaming in his head at once.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE!!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG IS THIS A NEW EPISODE!! !WOOT! ! 1ST PERSON MLP FOOTBAL !YIS TWILIGHT SO ADORABLE? WHAT KIND OF LIVESTREAM IS THIS ? SEASON3 CAME EARLY!! OH GOD SPOILERS THIS IS FREAKING ME OUT TWLIGHT LOOKS DIFFERENT WHY HASN’T APPLEJACK SUNG YET!!!! JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN

It doesn’t take long for Matt to pass out.

Author's Note:

Welp, here's my 1st attempt at writing a fan-fic. Never thought I'd try this, but I also never thought I'd be watching a cartoon for little girls. Ain't life funny? I'll never win the jackpot lottery [crosses fingers]

Constructive criticism is welcomed. Thanks for reading!

Comments

[The Princess Rarity]

..... Were you drunk when you wrote this?

[NeotheTwilitUnicorn]

...........okay then... This has my attention based on the sheer hilarity of what can ensue. As such, I shall favorite. Also, have a moustache for a premise, and spend it wisely.

[LupusStriker]

Oh I can tell this is going to fun

[BronyDJ]

INTERESANTE!
This is quite the concept.
JOHN MADDEN.

[Jomama]

1626241
haha I may have had a few glasses of scotch when the idea for this sprang in my head.
I never really planned to write this, but I was really bored when I was without power for a week when Sandy hit.
This is actually my first attempt to write anything ever.

[Jomama]

1626263
I shall use it to acquire more scotch!

[The Princess Rarity]

1627412 Well, good on ya, man! I expect to see more.

[NeotheTwilitUnicorn]

1627423 *Blinks* ............if that is what gave you this first idea, then by all means, do so. But, keep writing. Also, *shameless plug* if you ever need an editor/pre-reader, I'll do it.

[Jomama]

1627438

It was a mixture of some of my favorite fan-fics that got the idea in my head. "why am I pinkie pie" "project sunflower" and "the unexpected love live of dusk shine" to be specific. The scotch may have given me the idea to try writing during my power outage

!! I would love to have you as an editor.

[NeotheTwilitUnicorn]

1627479 Lol, and as I said, I'd be glad to. Just PM me the unfinished chapters, I'll look 'em over, and get back to you. Plus, being an editor for you helps me as well, so we both benefit.

[Khorne]

Can I be one of the electronic voices?
Except my voice waps pitches up and down

[Jomama]

1629981

I'm still figuring out how I'm going to go about this. However if you write some random lines that you think would fit in the story I may put them in. No promises at the moment though

[Khorne]

1630427

....
DO YOU HEAR THE VOICES TOO?

[Jomama]

1630536

http://i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/007/423/untitle.JPG

[Ponynator]

You got my attention dude, this is like drugs...
written drugs...

[Fat Autistic Weeaboo2222]

TWILIGHT SPARKLE!!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG IS THIS A NEW EPISODE!! !WOOT! ! 1ST PERSON MLP FOOTBAL !YIS TWILIGHT SO ADORABLE? WHAT KIND OF LIVESTREAM IS THIS ? SEASON3 CAME EARLY!! OH GOD SPOILERS THIS IS FREAKING ME OUT TWLIGHT LOOKS DIFFERENT WHY HASN’T APPLEJACK SUNG YET!!!! JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN

wtf did i just read?

[tsaukpaetra]

It's kind of odd, you could probably get away with using ellipsis instead of the frantic copy pasta, but I'm interested so far. ;)