a fight for life! Pend lives in Ponyville, she has a crush on a colt that lives next door. she had a nice life, a job a crush, but that all changed one night. know she has to fight to survive, and fight for the colt she loves. Green Star the Handsome Colt. lives next to Pend. well they find a way to live, or find there death in the jaws of the undead?
this fanfic is for teens. it has mild violence, alcohol and drug, and slight language.
I will add mane charters as the story hose on.
owner NOTE: i fixed the story, the stuff was all mixed up.
Chapters (2)
Hmm, well... interesting. I'm curious as to where your going with this.
a fight for life! Pend lives in Ponyville, she has a crush on a colt that lives next door. she had a nice life, a job a crush, but that all changed one night. know she has to fight to survive, and fight for the colt she loves. Green Star the Handsome Colt. lives next to Pend. well they find a way to live, or find there death in the jaws of the undead?
this fanfic is for teens. it has mild violence, alcohol and drug, and slight language.
I will add mane charters as the story hose on.
owner NOTE: i fixed the story, the stuff was all mixed up.
Do you have a link to the image of the story?
I've seen an image that in the same style but with Sonic characters, I'm just wondering where that image is from.
115433 well I'm hopeing that city's will be taken. Soon they will have to find other survivors.
115457 you need something?
115479 right know I'm not home, I'm using an ipod, but when I get home I'll get it for you.
Okay, you have a great idea jere, but you seem to be missing a lot.
Things to improve:
1. Speech, there needs to be a new paragraph for every speaker. E.g:
Problem:
Twilight turned to me, her eyes filled with tears. "But... But I love you." "I know, and I thought that I lived you as well. But things change, Twi." Twilight turned from me, her sobs of dread the only noise in my room. "No! You're lying! You never loved me!" She ran. She ran out the door, and into the dangers of the world beyond.
Solution:
Twilight turned to me, her eyes filled with tears. "But... But I love you."
"I know, and I thought that I lived you as well. But things change, Twi."
Twilight turned from me, her sobs of dread the only noise in my room. "No! You're lying! You never loved me!" She ran. She ran out the door, and into the dangers of the world beyond.
2 punctuation. During some parts of the story, the punctuation seemed to slip, and I found myself having to re-read. You need to use punctuation in order to add feel for when you want the reader to pause. E.g:
Problem:
"I am Stephen the pony of Equestria and I am here to kill you all!" he shouted his words echoing long after he spoke.
"Oh yeah well let's see how you like this!"
Solution:
"I am Stephen, the pony of Equestria, and I am here to kill you all!" he shouted, his words echoing long after he spoke.
"Oh yeah? Well, let's see how you like this!"
See how much easier that is to read?
3. Thoughts: when a pony is thinking, it's thoughts have to be in italics. This makes it easier to distinguish from the rest of the text, thus making the entire text easier to read. E.g:
Problem:
Steven wouldn't say that I thought. He's too kind. A bullet whistled past my head, snapping me back to reality.
Solution:
Steven wouldn't say that, I thought. He's too kind. A bullet whistled past my head, snapping me back to reality.
See how that becomes easier to read? Anyway, moving on.
4. Tenses. When writing a story, it gets confusing if the tense suddenly switches from past to present (Unless in speech). E.g:
Problem: I let bullets fly, spraying randomly from side to side. "Quick, get down," Rose says, so I do.
Solution: I let bullets fly, spraying randomly from side to side. "Quck, get down," Rose screamed, so I did, dropping to the floor with a loud clatter( I wanted to add something, deal with it!)
Ok, this review/kinda edit is almost over, just got a few extra things to say. You have a great story idea here, and it's keeping me hooked despite the fact that I am having to translate the text while easing (no offense intended). You really need to work on the things I listed above, if you want your story to 'hit it big' as they say.
If you would like it, send your next chapter to me in a googledoc via OM, and I'll give it a once over.
Don't be afraid to contact me at any time: taranasaurus0.0@gmail.com.
This has been a helpful review from Taranasaurus. Have fun, and don't stop writing!
115824 thanks for the info! When I copied the story from my google docs. Every thing went mixed together, and all word went back to normal. I'm thinking about re copying it. Should I
115834 thanks
115906
Any time.
I think that reviewing and considering a rewrite would not do any harm.
On a side note, I actually wrote all of my comments on an iPod as well. Well, hope you have fun, and if you need someone to proof-read your new story, don't be afraid to hit me up.
I'm sorry to say, but this is Poorly edited work.
This is what i qualify as a "Rough Diamond', it has potential, but no offence, its editing is poor, poor quality.
116080 ok, thanks!
116784 yah, I'm going to go back into it.
You should read my book as it also about the zombie apocalypse