Four heros fight for the freedom of Equestria. Armed with only their wits, and whatever they can find in the world, they breach through the changelings defences. But they may never come back alive.
Chapters (3)
Brass Bullet
Joined 31st Jul, 2012 ·
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A romantically tragic dark, comedic adventure! And a self-insert Gaey Stu! Oh boy, my favourite.
1962932
With each chapter being less than 1000 words!
static4.fjcdn.com/comments/what+evil+have+i+seen+on+my+computer+screen+_be762ade95bf88f6c61a516e28390995.jpg
well brass bullet you gave it a shot but i dont think fanfic writing is for you
EDGY AS FUCK
No, but seriously... dafuq is this?
Doesn't this violate Fimfiction's requirement of at least 1000 words at the time of submission? Which was in November?
1963446 The story has more than one thousand words. The rules don't apply to each individual chapter.
1963446 I'm pretty sure he/she didn't submit it until recently once it was over 1000 words. That's why it's only just now in the Recent Stories feed
1963473
Ah, that would explain that. As someone who's never submitted anything, I'm fuzzy on the exact workings of the submission system. Thanks for the reply.
Okay guys I get what your saying i respect the comments ans can improve im sure of it it just takes me some time to think sometimes and ill just throw whatever comes to mind in there. Thats probably my main problem just give me a few days and ill see what i can do. Thanks
I'm going to be honest with you. This needs work. And we're not talking some subtle touch ups - I'm talking about a rewrite in the orders of magnitude.
First things first: grammar and mechanics. If you want to *ever* be taken seriously, you need to learn to properly format and punctuate. Capitalize the first words of sentences, periods at the end, two spaces between. Use commas to indicate pauses, but not to splice sentences together. Indent the first line of a paragraph. Use apostrophes in possessives and contractions. If you attended middle school, you should know the rest. It's not that complex - just take your time, and think things through before you put them on the page. Then, once they're written, re-read them and make sure everything's squared away. Those few extra seconds of scrutiny are the difference between a masterpiece and utter garbage.
Some notes on your most common stumbling blocks:
~
"The bombs are planted sir."
You always separate names from sentences using commas. Also, 'sir' in this case is a proper noun, and should be capitalized.
"The bombs are planted, Sir."
~
"Copy that." Sem Teks confirmed.
If a line of dialog leads into another statement and would normally end with a period, end it with a comma. Also, it's Semtex.
"Copy that," Semtex confirmed.
~
I followed the sound of his groans. within a few minutes i finally found him he could hardly move. He had been beaten by the changelings.
While there are quite a few problems in this sample, I'm focusing on sentence length here. You have a tendency towards short, choppy sentences, and while this isn't technically wrong, it's extremely jarring to read.
I followed the sound of his groans, and it was only a few minutes before I found him. He could hardly move - he'd been beaten harshly by the Changelings.
My time's a bit limited here, so that's all I'm going to address directly, but you get the picture.
Alright, now let's move away from general stuff and focus on the story in question. The first problem I noticed here is that each of your 'chapters' is under one thousand words, with two of them even being under five hundred. The point of a chapter break is twofold: first, to separate certain subplots and ideas from one another, and second, to break the story down into reasonably-sized chunks. As such, having chapter breaks only makes sense if each chapter is about the length of a short story. I'm going to tell it to you straight: two hundred words is not a chapter. Hell, everything you've *written* so far barely constitutes half of *one* chapter. At absolute minimum, with exceptions for certain artistic styles and structures such as prologues, a chapter should be three thousand words. I highly recommend going back and consolidating what you have into a single chapter.
The next item I want to address is tone. It's clear your narration is shooting for the 'grizzled, world-weary' archetype, and it partially succeeds, but this combined with the story's numerous other flaws makes it just sound ridiculous. World-weary is fun to work with, but things like that should only be used after you've mastered the basics. To switch back to 'normal' tone, so to speak, make sure you use complete sentences, and avoid exploiting heavily-used sayings or idioms.
On a similar topic, don't overdescribe an object to make the narrator seem more knowledgeable unless you know for sure the information is not redundant. For instance, they don't make automatic M1911's, so specifically describing it as 'semiautomatic' is just deadweight and makes the character sound less knowledgeable instead of more.
Oh, and don't be afraid to use exclamation points. A lot of people overuse them, but you're easily the first new writer I've encountered that seems to avoid them more than anything else. Here's an example of a spot where they would help with flow and visualization.
"Agh,Neon, Umph, Its me Bullet."
Should look like:
"Agh! Neon - ooph - Its me, Bullet!"
Anyway, that's all I've got time for. Don't think this is an attack. It's not. This is simply criticism, and I'm criticizing your work because I can see that you have promise, and want to help you make it better. If people never criticized my work, I'd still be scrawling on printer paper with crayons.
Now, I know (I'm painfully aware, as a matter of fact) that my work isn't perfect, but I have a lot of experience. If you could use some examples of how to execute some of those edits I suggested to you, feel free to check out my stories here.
http://www.fimfiction.net/user/Winged%20Anomaly
And if you're still stuck, feel free to send me a message. You wouldn't be the first writer I've helped out.
Good luck, and keep writing. Nobody ever got anywhere by giving up.
I'm not sure if this is proper use of "only."
1963694 Thanks man I see what you mean, thanks for the advice I really need feedback like this often it really helps
My eyes are bleeding due to this, piece of garbage. Anyways your fic is bad and you should feel bad!
1967334I wont feel bad man its only my first fic and I will improve upon it im just a little slow due to the fact I suffer from Schizophrenia and yet I still try to do my best. I never give up on what I set my mind to even if its the biggest piece of "garbage" as you said it still has potential to be fixed into something great
1967412 Hello! I think your story is really good, although there could be a few places you could improve on, it's really interesting and a totally new approach! I was wondering, if I could include you as an OC in my story?
It's okay if you say no, it's just I can really see you as an OC in my story! :3
Keep writing and smiling :D
*Gives lemon cupcake* they're the best in ma opinion! *fixes bow tie* TO THE TARDIS!
5834226 yeah of course you can, just email me a link when it's done, send it here ------> gregdiamond14@gmail.com
5834645
AWWWWEEEESSSOOOOMMMMMEEEEE!!!!! Thank you so, so much!
1963163
Brass Bullet
Gave it a shot
i.imgur.com/Dc0B45Q.png
(I just realized the last comment on this story is a year and a half old and its pretty much dead so chances are no ones gonna see this...
...Dont really care.)