I've been enjoying this story for a while now (as sad as the latest chapters are with Lero), but these shorts were hilarious - you had me laughing out loud the whole way through. Thank you.
“For the first time ever, she’s completely satisfied!” Shining Armor said. “It’s been-” he checked the dining room clock, “-seven hours since you two finished that sex marathon, and she hasn’t grabbed a single one of us to satisfy her carnal needs!"
"I'm beginning to feel like a Sex God, Sex God. All my mares from the front to the back nod, back nod. Now who thinks their forelegs are long enough to slap cocks, slap cocks?" -Lero
amen to that, I was kind of relieved that at least the situation of sleeping around with others not in the herd goes both ways between mares and stallions. at the very least, Lero's mares would probably never be fully satisfied with just one stallion anymore thanks to their stallion's sexual prowess (human stamina, dexterity, and fingers for the win!)and Lero himself manage to fuck the princess of love herself out of the arrangement (sounds selfish of me I know). it even got himself a statue out of it and maybe some future letters from the crystal empire strongly suggesting him to come visit some times, lols.
other than that, it did get some laughs out of me.
plus, they are just oneshot and has been stated in the authors note in the beginning that they aren't cannon so we can rest easy I guess. I figured that I could give my thoughts on the matter.
>Fisting Fluttershy to stretch her out for Mac. HOT >Why-foo stealer with a giant cock prematurely ejaculates into one of Waifus why is he ain't roasted for dinner yet? >Ass Entry's cum on pants KILL IT WITH FIRE is an acceptable solution >Cadance being a proper princess of love with insatiable lust and ever-wet vajayjay I bet her dungeon is filled with tired yet very well-fed 'lings >Naked statue of Lero with a giant wang
"And here class we see the monument honoring the achievements of Prince Lero, who lived over 3000 years ago. The only being in existence to satisfy all four princesses! Truly one of our greatest heroes!" The class is silent for a moment, staring up in awe, when one of the youngsters nervously throws up a hoof. "Teacher? Um, is that, um, is that bit proportional?" The teacher smiles at the question. "Scholars have argued long and hard about that very thing, but the general consensus is that, yes, humans were supremely endowed. The human penis was as big around as your waist and humans used to swing them as clubs in battle and were capable of knocking a pony's head clean off!"
I am usually what would be termed a 'lurker', and if I am not mistaken this is my first comment.
However, I feel compelled to express how thoroughly taken I was with your writing. Generally I look at fanfiction as indulgent wish fulfilment for the writer and reader, a guilty treat like a cookie before bed. Imagine my surprise when I found your work mastering the subtle turn of phrase, believable yet entertaining emotional characterizations, and fascinating concepts which dabbled from the cryptoromantic to the lovecraftian.
My biggest regret is I have finished this 5-star dessert and must now return to my cookies.
Well that was moderately ridiculous... the chapter, not the fic in general. Well, a little of both, but more the former. Some spoilers below that I might not have blotted out, read on with care. For that matter... yeah this is going to be a smidge wordy. It's a complement; this fic drove me to say a lot.
For this chapter, I could do with a little less homophobia on Lero's part, but then again it's Flash, so I don't blame him too much. Such an obvious troll really shouldn't be examined too closely. The bit with Cadence was magnificent, even if we didn't get any sordid details.
In general? This was a pretty fun read with a lot of raunchy humor interspersing serious character moments and many feels, high and low. That's a difficult balancing act and for the most part this fic pulls it off with aplomb.
I do feel bad for Lyra. She gets Worfed in so many of these follow ups to Xenophilia. Has she ever won a fight? I have no interest in Berry telling her she won, or much of anything Berry has to say, for that matter. She's screaming at the end and Berry's response is 'ow'. It's obvious who 'won'. Berry did have her enjoyable moments, early on as a side character... but everything starting from her interlude just... didn't work for me. Her whole outlook is boring enough, but add to that the retcon instigation which leads to her trying to kill Lyra (or Rainbow, whoever she clearly doesn't care) for no real reason... yeah no, sorry not on board with that. She basically pulled out the Equestrian equivalent of the 'n' word just to start a fight... and no one seems to care. Oh, they fought, it's all settled; let's give her a massage. What? She comes across to me just as destructive and toxic (if less openly) as Honeydew. It's effectively worse because she's not blinded by hate; she's a nihilistic shell. Honeydew's insane, but at least she thinks she's saving Equestria from a fiendish monster... Berry's just... a psychopath maybe?
The decision/aftermath... I give respect to any author willing to take a story a new direction based on feedback; it's no small matter to admit someone else may have a better idea about a story you're writing. But... to be honest, while I like that the girls would consider Lero's feelings, I'm sad that a need to was crafted here. It puts this back in wish fulfillment territory even more so than it already was. This version of Lero is just fine and dandy with polyamory... so long as he's the only dude. The criticisms of the original way this looked to be going talked about all his sacrifices... but what sacrifices have his herd forced on him before this? You almost have to assimilate some to really become part of a community as an outsider, especially with extreme culture differences; that isn't their fault. Further, Lero's always been about helping others. Look at the two jobs he took (though with a background in history what do you want...): handy man and masseur. He's about fixing things and lending a helping hand (...I'll show myself out). There's no way this is a solution for him at all. If he's infertile (effectively) it's going to eat at him... not because he's personally inadequate but because he's holding back the members of his herd from having foals. Why is he not okay with receiving oral, but more than okay giving? Same deal... it's not about him because he doesn't need it to be. He doesn't want anyone to lower themselves for his sake. He's happy making others, especially his loves, happy; he knows full well how rewarding that is. He and Rainbow had several discussions in Xenophilia about that very subject. Your canon here diverges from that; I'm just not sure why. Submissive? Martyr? He survived the Fae or whatever (the source was never clear, people just reasonably assumed) with his sanity intact. This man has more than enough will and strength of self to look at a stallion giving his herd foals and not be threatened. Happy? No, I wouldn't go that far. Destroyed? Hell, no, and much less so than keeping them all childless for his sake. Now, the poor stallion getting compared to Lero, especially by Rainbow (who doesn't even want foals) is another matter. Poor bastard... Last but not least... Twilight's a noble. I really doubt her being in a marriage that doesn't allow her to produce an heir is going to fly. Yes, she's an alicorn, ageless if not immortal per this canon, but if she needed to marry because of her nobility I'd be surprised if heirs weren't an expected part of her responsibility to her family name.
ALL THAT SAID... the support and empathy they show towards him in this situation are really heartwarming. I especially loved Lyra's instantaneous reaction before he'd even fully proposed anything. The way they're attuned to each other is well portrayed here. I don't like just saying 'magic won't work' so as to create conflict, it feels like a diabolos ex machina when you're talking about Equestria to suddenly say magic won't work. But since that's the road we're on I will say that, given how the author has handled this up to now, I hope to see the continuation soon.
TL:DR? (boy howdy..): despite having issues with a couple of plot points, I've really enjoyed this well-crafted work and hope to see it continue in the near future. Thumbs up.
6716767 As far as the futa thing goes, it's something only alicorns (or maybe a very powerful unicorn) can do to themselves.
I'm not sure there's much I can do to reassure you concerning the possible Celestia x Twilight romance. While Celestia may not consider it immoral, or wrong, it's possible Twilight will. At the very least, if this pairing does happen, it won't be for the sake of any pseudo-incest fetish.
She basically pulled out the Equestrian equivalent of the 'n' word just to start a fight... and no one seems to care. Oh, they fought, it's all settled; let's give her a massage. What?
This is based on a show where Glim Glam gets forgiven and accepted after trying to ruin reality due to a traumatic episode in childhood. No, that doesn't sit well with me either, but that's FiM, and its what I have to work with (I admit to being disingenuous here, since this chapter came out before that episode, but, we can think about Trixie being forgiven by Twilight as well). You may not care about this part, but there's a flashback in the next chapter where Lero and Twilight visit Berry in the hospital, and it's not an amicable visit. Her situation may fall under the "forgive but not forget" convention.
He and Rainbow had several discussions in Xenophilia about that very subject. Your canon here diverges from that; I'm just not sure why.
I wasn't aware of that incident diverging from Xenophilia canon. I'll have to reread that story again.
Thank you very much for spending time writing this criticism. I hope you won't mind doing this again for any future chapters that strike your fancy.
xxxxxxxxx
In other "news", I've been trying to figure out how to write my way out of the 'Wonderbolts as a warrior-herd' without having to completely rewrite this section of the story. Let me tell you, just as with you guys, that part did NOT go over well with the Russian readers.
7045164 Ooh, I wasn't actually expecting a response to all that... yeesh looking back at it I must've been in a bad mood that night. Ah well, I stand by most of it... just could have worded it more politely. Moving on...
Glim Glam... took me a minute to figure out who that was, but yeah the less said about her the better, for me. That little denouement was... unconvincing. That said, you're completely right about forgiveness being a real thing in Equestria; they're way better at it than we (I) are (am). That in mind, I would totally care about that flashback you mentioned and am now looking forward to it. I don't like Berry... but it's basically because I see her almost like Pinkie's evil twin. Just as random, clearly has a sense of humor, but whereas Pinkie builds up everyone around her (or tries to, anyway) Berry is much more inwardly focused and frankly destructive. ...Holy shit she's the Joker... Are there reasons? Sure, but sympathetic isn't the same as likable. Still, if that flashback had been available to me before I would likely have been less bothered by her in general. Even if Equestrian forgiveness is whiplash quick a lot of the time, seeing it and going 'I grudgingly accept this' is much better than nothing. It acknowledges the issues with her, or along those lines; I need that.
The canon thing... yeah I'll try to explain myself a little there... but obvious reminder this is just my personal opinion, ignore as you will and no worries. Here's a pretty good quote that I draw a fair bit of Lero's characterization from, taken from Xeno's last chapter:
She shrugged, as best she could with her wings stiff as boards, anyway. “I just… when we wrestle like this, I always beat you. Like, every single time. Doesn’t that, I dunno, bother you?” He shook his head. “Not at all.” She searched his face, and saw no sign that he was being anything other than honest. “Why not, though? I mean, if I lost a game every time I played it, it would start to bother me after a while!” His lips quirked in a smile. “You’re assuming that I lose if you beat me.” She raised an eyebrow. “The heck does that mean?” “It means that, as far as I’m concerned, we both win.” He ran his hand slowly down her foreleg, his fingers tracing her sleek, well-defined muscles. “Rainbow, love, I know perfectly well that you’re stronger than I am. That fact doesn’t bother me. I also know that when we start out in close like that, there’s no way I’m going to beat you, and that doesn’t bother me either.” “But why not, though?” She could usually follow his thought processes without explanation, but this one was eluding her. “Because you like it.” His hand trailed back up her foreleg, pausing to stroke gently under her wing. The pleasure of the touch made her catch her lip in her teeth. “For me, it’s not a matter of winning or losing, it’s about making both of us feel good.” “You do know how to do that,” she breathed, leaning a bit toward his stroking fingers. “So you’ve been letting me win?” “Not at all. I’d never lie to you like that. I try my best, but you’re stronger and faster than me, so you beat me anyway.” She was about to speak up again, but he rested his finger on her lips to hush her. “It’s because you enjoy it, and I enjoy it. And I enjoy seeing you enjoy it. I love watching the expression on your face when you’re feeling good.” His fingers found a particularly sensitive spot, and she arched her neck ecstatically, her wing muscles tightening. “Like that one.”
He doesn't feel the need to put himself forward; it's just not in his character. If you're drawing on the idea that he fears being replaced, I don't know where that's taken from. Polyamorous relationships don't work that way: he certainly didn't replace Rainbow or Twilight by including Lyra, nor did Twilight replace him by doing same. This looks like a harem... but in universe it really isn't supposed to be. Before all that, we have the fact that he was worried about dating Twilight in the first place. Another quote, this one from chapter 7:
Rainbow raised an eyebrow, watching him carefully. “Soooo… is that a yes you’re interested, or no you’re not?” He chewed for a few moments longer, thinking. “I’m not opposed in principle,” he said slowly, “I’m just… Rainbow, you and I, we’ve really got something between us. Aren’t you worried that having someone else involved, even someone we both get along with so well, might, I don’t know, dilute that?” Rainbow cocked her head to the side, thinking. “Well, no, not really. I mean, what you and I’ve got,” she felt a little surge in her heart, saying those words, “It’s not gonna go away just ‘cause we’re sharing with Twilight. It's always gonna be there, y'know? And, I mean, you might get the same thing between you and Twilight. Or me and Twilight. Or all three of us together. Wouldn’t that just make it even better?” She paused and then added gently, “Maybe it’s harder for you not to be monogamist than you thought, big guy.” Lero blinked in surprise. He opened his mouth, then shut it again without saying anything. “I… well, I guess you may be right.” He said, after a few moments’ rumination. “That particular bit of my culture seems to have stuck better than I’d thought.” He rubbed his chin, considering. “Well… let me get your input then, Rainbow. What do you think?” The pegasus shrugged. “I don’t see any reason to say no. I mean, you and Twilight are pretty good friends already, you get along really well. And I’m good friends with her, too. I think we ought to at least give her a chance.” The human rubbed his chin for a moment more, and then slowly nodded. “All right. You’re pretty much my expert on local culture, so it would be kind of stupid of me to ignore your advice, huh?” Rainbow snickered. “Yup. And you’re smarter than me, so you’re not gonna do something dumb like ignore good advice, right?” Lero grinned wryly. “I suppose not, O great advisor, knower of sage truths and speaker of timeless wisdom.”
He was concerned about her more than himself, and accepted her advice on the matter. He still had issues, but they never struck me as being about himself. It was always about keeping the others happy and basking in that happiness in return. ...I keep referencing Pinkie today. I'll close with this, at least this part of the comment. by the end, he's fine with the herd mentality, and even if Rainbow's first among equals in his heart, it's not a heart prone to jealousy. He's a paragon of adaptability... apropos for someone who's representing humanity on another world, and has embraced it to this point:
He reached out to touch her cheek. “And you say you’re not good with words.” Rainbow giggled. “I’m learning from two of the best. Twilight’s probably feeling all happy right now, too, and not knowing why. We both gave her a piece of us, too.” Lero smiled. “That’s beautiful, Rainbow.” He caressed her neck pensively for a moment, thinking. “We should tell her about this.” The pegasus nodded. “Absolutely.” He bit his lip. “Do you think she’d be interested in sharing those vows?” Rainbow tilted her head to the side, thinking. “Not yet, I don’t think. She’s not a hundred percent sure yet… but I think she’s getting there pretty quick. Give her a little more time, and yeah, I think she would.” “I’d like that,” he whispered. “Me too.”
He's got room for flaws to crop up from what we have to work with, and I suppose some sort of monogamistic insecurity could be considered a valid one... but I just don't feel it fits with what we have of him.
The Russian thing is interesting to me... mostly because I have no real understanding of Russian culture with which to contextualize their disapproval. If you're looking for an out though... meh... celebrity stuff is always sensationalized and exaggerated for the sake of selling copy. I don't think you give any direct Wonderbolts quotes about it, though I could be wrong. Have Rainbow confront Spitfire about backing out. Spitfire reacts along the lines of: 'well shit, what did I do this time?' ('cause let's face it, the Wonderbolts in show canon are a smidge shady/careless). Rainbow explains, Spitfire laughs it off. 'Sheesh, a couple wild drinking nights and everypony thinks we're hedonists. It gets really overblown in the papers... and other less... er... reputable places. So much bad porn... It has been like that in the past, but it was never a requirement... There are some Wonderbolts with traditional herds and families, you know? But hey... Soarin' will be reee-ally disappointed... *wink*' ...and the fact that I almost felt the need to specify 'eye' wink means I may have delved too deeply into certain aspects of fan fiction. ...As though the word count on this comment weren't already proof of that.
So I think (hope) that covers it. I obviously have no issues clearing my throat when talking about a story so yeah, I'm sure you'll see me again in later chapters. Thanks for writing and enjoy your day!
Edit: just remembered something I had wanted to include. The idea of adding another stallion would be more palatable if it was somepony Lero was close with. The trouble is that, in this fic and in Xeno, we don't see much of that. Further Tales I think has him close with Big Mac, but that's far from the only option. divided Rainbow has him as a major dr. Who fan (I can't capitalize d, my keyboard is broken). I'm not suggesting this because Time Turner/dr. Whooves is my avatar pic... but I bet they'd get along. ~Sage
I've been enjoying this story for a while now (as sad as the latest chapters are with Lero), but these shorts were hilarious - you had me laughing out loud the whole way through. Thank you.
Conflicted feelings are conflicted
Its a good job there wasnt a Sentry joke on the train, just as they were passing over the bridge.
LERO JUMPINGS.
That destroyed my sides.
Oh. Dear. Lord.
I've never laughed so hard.
"I'm beginning to feel like a Sex God, Sex God.
All my mares from the front to the back nod, back nod.
Now who thinks their forelegs are long enough to slap cocks, slap cocks?"
-Lero
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amen to that, I was kind of relieved that at least the situation of sleeping around with others not in the herd goes both ways between mares and stallions. at the very least, Lero's mares would probably never be fully satisfied with just one stallion anymore thanks to their stallion's sexual prowess (human stamina, dexterity, and fingers for the win!)and Lero himself manage to fuck the princess of love herself out of the arrangement (sounds selfish of me I know). it even got himself a statue out of it and maybe some future letters from the crystal empire strongly suggesting him to come visit some times, lols.
other than that, it did get some laughs out of me.
plus, they are just oneshot and has been stated in the authors note in the beginning that they aren't cannon so we can rest easy I guess. I figured that I could give my thoughts on the matter.
I don't remember that last story at all.
"“Your penis is that big in our hearts.”" I could not read anymore! I had to post some thing!!
That was brilliant
I't canon in my heart, dammit!
veuwer.com/i/372v.png
>Fisting Fluttershy to stretch her out for Mac.
HOT
>Why-foo stealer with a giant cock prematurely ejaculates into one of Waifus
why is he ain't roasted for dinner yet?
>Ass Entry's cum on pants
KILL IT WITH FIRE is an acceptable solution
>Cadance being a proper princess of love with insatiable lust and ever-wet vajayjay
I bet her dungeon is filled with tired yet very well-fed 'lings
>Naked statue of Lero with a giant wang
I dont really like the whole expanding the herd thing. Defiantly not with of all ponys flash sentry.
Did you pick flash to annoy people on purpose?
I'm glad most of you enjoyed these oneshots as much as you have.
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Come on, warpd. I said at the beginning author's notes that I included a new story.
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Yes.
The herd isn't expanding, though. It's just an unrelated oneshot.
Loved these.
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D'oh. You're correct. Well at least you have one of the few stories where Cadance and Shining show up. They're a little rare in the Xenoverse.
That was absolutely stupid and completely glorious at the same time
"And here class we see the monument honoring the achievements of Prince Lero, who lived over 3000 years ago. The only being in existence to satisfy all four princesses! Truly one of our greatest heroes!"
The class is silent for a moment, staring up in awe, when one of the youngsters nervously throws up a hoof.
"Teacher? Um, is that, um, is that bit proportional?"
The teacher smiles at the question.
"Scholars have argued long and hard about that very thing, but the general consensus is that, yes, humans were supremely endowed. The human penis was as big around as your waist and humans used to swing them as clubs in battle and were capable of knocking a pony's head clean off!"
Dear Mr. Goatlicker,
I am usually what would be termed a 'lurker', and if I am not mistaken this is my first comment.
However, I feel compelled to express how thoroughly taken I was with your writing. Generally I look at fanfiction as indulgent wish fulfilment for the writer and reader, a guilty treat like a cookie before bed. Imagine my surprise when I found your work mastering the subtle turn of phrase, believable yet entertaining emotional characterizations, and fascinating concepts which dabbled from the cryptoromantic to the lovecraftian.
My biggest regret is I have finished this 5-star dessert and must now return to my cookies.
Kudos, Sir!
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Thank you for your kind comment.
So wait, not cool bruh! We had to put up with Flash railin Twilight but no Lero and Cadence action? Lame.
But in the general scheme of the whole bit there I just didn't like it. *Shrugs* If I could down thumb a single chapter this would be it.
That was really entertaining but I'm really glad that's not part of the story.
Well that was moderately ridiculous... the chapter, not the fic in general. Well, a little of both, but more the former. Some spoilers below that I might not have blotted out, read on with care. For that matter... yeah this is going to be a smidge wordy. It's a complement; this fic drove me to say a lot.
For this chapter, I could do with a little less homophobia on Lero's part, but then again it's Flash, so I don't blame him too much. Such an obvious troll really shouldn't be examined too closely. The bit with Cadence was magnificent, even if we didn't get any sordid details.
In general? This was a pretty fun read with a lot of raunchy humor interspersing serious character moments and many feels, high and low. That's a difficult balancing act and for the most part this fic pulls it off with aplomb.
I do feel bad for Lyra. She gets Worfed in so many of these follow ups to Xenophilia. Has she ever won a fight? I have no interest in Berry telling her she won, or much of anything Berry has to say, for that matter. She's screaming at the end and Berry's response is 'ow'. It's obvious who 'won'. Berry did have her enjoyable moments, early on as a side character... but everything starting from her interlude just... didn't work for me. Her whole outlook is boring enough, but add to that the retcon instigation which leads to her trying to kill Lyra (or Rainbow, whoever she clearly doesn't care) for no real reason... yeah no, sorry not on board with that. She basically pulled out the Equestrian equivalent of the 'n' word just to start a fight... and no one seems to care. Oh, they fought, it's all settled; let's give her a massage. What? She comes across to me just as destructive and toxic (if less openly) as Honeydew. It's effectively worse because she's not blinded by hate; she's a nihilistic shell. Honeydew's insane, but at least she thinks she's saving Equestria from a fiendish monster... Berry's just... a psychopath maybe?
The decision/aftermath... I give respect to any author willing to take a story a new direction based on feedback; it's no small matter to admit someone else may have a better idea about a story you're writing. But... to be honest, while I like that the girls would consider Lero's feelings, I'm sad that a need to was crafted here. It puts this back in wish fulfillment territory even more so than it already was. This version of Lero is just fine and dandy with polyamory... so long as he's the only dude. The criticisms of the original way this looked to be going talked about all his sacrifices... but what sacrifices have his herd forced on him before this? You almost have to assimilate some to really become part of a community as an outsider, especially with extreme culture differences; that isn't their fault. Further, Lero's always been about helping others. Look at the two jobs he took (though with a background in history what do you want...): handy man and masseur. He's about fixing things and lending a helping hand (...I'll show myself out). There's no way this is a solution for him at all. If he's infertile (effectively) it's going to eat at him... not because he's personally inadequate but because he's holding back the members of his herd from having foals. Why is he not okay with receiving oral, but more than okay giving? Same deal... it's not about him because he doesn't need it to be. He doesn't want anyone to lower themselves for his sake. He's happy making others, especially his loves, happy; he knows full well how rewarding that is. He and Rainbow had several discussions in Xenophilia about that very subject. Your canon here diverges from that; I'm just not sure why. Submissive? Martyr? He survived the Fae or whatever (the source was never clear, people just reasonably assumed) with his sanity intact. This man has more than enough will and strength of self to look at a stallion giving his herd foals and not be threatened. Happy? No, I wouldn't go that far. Destroyed? Hell, no, and much less so than keeping them all childless for his sake. Now, the poor stallion getting compared to Lero, especially by Rainbow (who doesn't even want foals) is another matter. Poor bastard... Last but not least... Twilight's a noble. I really doubt her being in a marriage that doesn't allow her to produce an heir is going to fly. Yes, she's an alicorn, ageless if not immortal per this canon, but if she needed to marry because of her nobility I'd be surprised if heirs weren't an expected part of her responsibility to her family name.
ALL THAT SAID... the support and empathy they show towards him in this situation are really heartwarming. I especially loved Lyra's instantaneous reaction before he'd even fully proposed anything. The way they're attuned to each other is well portrayed here. I don't like just saying 'magic won't work' so as to create conflict, it feels like a diabolos ex machina when you're talking about Equestria to suddenly say magic won't work. But since that's the road we're on I will say that, given how the author has handled this up to now, I hope to see the continuation soon.
TL:DR? (boy howdy..): despite having issues with a couple of plot points, I've really enjoyed this well-crafted work and hope to see it continue in the near future. Thumbs up.
6716767
As far as the futa thing goes, it's something only alicorns (or maybe a very powerful unicorn) can do to themselves.
I'm not sure there's much I can do to reassure you concerning the possible Celestia x Twilight romance. While Celestia may not consider it immoral, or wrong, it's possible Twilight will. At the very least, if this pairing does happen, it won't be for the sake of any pseudo-incest fetish.
6968538
This is based on a show where Glim Glam gets forgiven and accepted after trying to ruin reality due to a traumatic episode in childhood. No, that doesn't sit well with me either, but that's FiM, and its what I have to work with (I admit to being disingenuous here, since this chapter came out before that episode, but, we can think about Trixie being forgiven by Twilight as well). You may not care about this part, but there's a flashback in the next chapter where Lero and Twilight visit Berry in the hospital, and it's not an amicable visit. Her situation may fall under the "forgive but not forget" convention.
I wasn't aware of that incident diverging from Xenophilia canon. I'll have to reread that story again.
Thank you very much for spending time writing this criticism. I hope you won't mind doing this again for any future chapters that strike your fancy.
xxxxxxxxx
In other "news", I've been trying to figure out how to write my way out of the 'Wonderbolts as a warrior-herd' without having to completely rewrite this section of the story. Let me tell you, just as with you guys, that part did NOT go over well with the Russian readers.
7045164
Ooh, I wasn't actually expecting a response to all that... yeesh looking back at it I must've been in a bad mood that night. Ah well, I stand by most of it... just could have worded it more politely. Moving on...
Glim Glam... took me a minute to figure out who that was, but yeah the less said about her the better, for me. That little denouement was... unconvincing. That said, you're completely right about forgiveness being a real thing in Equestria; they're way better at it than we (I) are (am). That in mind, I would totally care about that flashback you mentioned and am now looking forward to it. I don't like Berry... but it's basically because I see her almost like Pinkie's evil twin. Just as random, clearly has a sense of humor, but whereas Pinkie builds up everyone around her (or tries to, anyway) Berry is much more inwardly focused and frankly destructive. ...Holy shit she's the Joker... Are there reasons? Sure, but sympathetic isn't the same as likable. Still, if that flashback had been available to me before I would likely have been less bothered by her in general. Even if Equestrian forgiveness is whiplash quick a lot of the time, seeing it and going 'I grudgingly accept this' is much better than nothing. It acknowledges the issues with her, or along those lines; I need that.
The canon thing... yeah I'll try to explain myself a little there... but obvious reminder this is just my personal opinion, ignore as you will and no worries. Here's a pretty good quote that I draw a fair bit of Lero's characterization from, taken from Xeno's last chapter:
He doesn't feel the need to put himself forward; it's just not in his character. If you're drawing on the idea that he fears being replaced, I don't know where that's taken from. Polyamorous relationships don't work that way: he certainly didn't replace Rainbow or Twilight by including Lyra, nor did Twilight replace him by doing same. This looks like a harem... but in universe it really isn't supposed to be. Before all that, we have the fact that he was worried about dating Twilight in the first place. Another quote, this one from chapter 7:
He was concerned about her more than himself, and accepted her advice on the matter. He still had issues, but they never struck me as being about himself. It was always about keeping the others happy and basking in that happiness in return. ...I keep referencing Pinkie today. I'll close with this, at least this part of the comment. by the end, he's fine with the herd mentality, and even if Rainbow's first among equals in his heart, it's not a heart prone to jealousy. He's a paragon of adaptability... apropos for someone who's representing humanity on another world, and has embraced it to this point:
He's got room for flaws to crop up from what we have to work with, and I suppose some sort of monogamistic insecurity could be considered a valid one... but I just don't feel it fits with what we have of him.
The Russian thing is interesting to me... mostly because I have no real understanding of Russian culture with which to contextualize their disapproval. If you're looking for an out though... meh... celebrity stuff is always sensationalized and exaggerated for the sake of selling copy. I don't think you give any direct Wonderbolts quotes about it, though I could be wrong. Have Rainbow confront Spitfire about backing out. Spitfire reacts along the lines of: 'well shit, what did I do this time?' ('cause let's face it, the Wonderbolts in show canon are a smidge shady/careless). Rainbow explains, Spitfire laughs it off. 'Sheesh, a couple wild drinking nights and everypony thinks we're hedonists. It gets really overblown in the papers... and other less... er... reputable places. So much bad porn... It has been like that in the past, but it was never a requirement... There are some Wonderbolts with traditional herds and families, you know? But hey... Soarin' will be reee-ally disappointed... *wink*' ...and the fact that I almost felt the need to specify 'eye' wink means I may have delved too deeply into certain aspects of fan fiction. ...As though the word count on this comment weren't already proof of that.
So I think (hope) that covers it. I obviously have no issues clearing my throat when talking about a story so yeah, I'm sure you'll see me again in later chapters. Thanks for writing and enjoy your day!
Edit: just remembered something I had wanted to include. The idea of adding another stallion would be more palatable if it was somepony Lero was close with. The trouble is that, in this fic and in Xeno, we don't see much of that. Further Tales I think has him close with Big Mac, but that's far from the only option. divided Rainbow has him as a major dr. Who fan (I can't capitalize d, my keyboard is broken). I'm not suggesting this because Time Turner/dr. Whooves is my avatar pic... but I bet they'd get along. ~Sage