"Look. I've screwed up. Really screwed up. It wasn't enough that they had to take her hands from her, oh no. That would have been "An imperfection, a blemish on our natural equine race."!
What they did to her, I-... Oh Faust! I don't even recognize her anymore!
THEY TOOK HER SOUL AND MURDERED IT!
That fucking Potion ruined everything. Not just for Octavia, but for countless other humans.
Why!? Aren't we supposed to be better than this? Aren't we suppose to be above simply either exterminating or forcibly converting other species to our cause? It doesn't make any sense whatsoever! Yeah sure, so humans have done their fair of doing horrible things to both themselves and the things around them. But that doesn't make them ALL monsters that the Ministry of Truth portrays them to be. War fueled savages, evildoers doing nothing but bringing harm to everything my flank! I guess they somehow managed to "glance over" the good parts that humans have actually done, despite the odds that they have stood against.
Pfft. I never really was the philosophical type. It just wasn't my jazz, ya know what I mean? A DJ just doesn't do the groove when it comes to things that doesn't ring with them. But that human saying. What was it? Something "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions." Yeah, that's it. I think its more than obvious that erasing somepo- I mean someone's mind is right up there on the totem pole. If it weren't for Twilight... I-I am-just seeing Octavia praising Celestia when only moments before she was fighting tooth and nail against those Royal Guards. Then chanting for us to join them in a utopia. Oh Gods. You don't even know the start of how gut wrenching to see Octy... I-can't talk about this...
I failed her.
I failed her.
I FUCKING failed her!"
Vinyl "La'Wafer" Scratch, Interview during the beginning stages of the Barrier War.
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1604437 fc08.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/331/4/e/applejack_is_not_amused_by_eonevolution-d4hil27.gif
"Ya'll got anything else to add? I ain't got all day ya know."
1604503 Haha, yes,
I replied to your comment on the forum. Did you not get the notification? 
1604513 No, it didn't pop up.
Care to post the link?
1604548
Here ya go.... http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=group&group=725&thread=6182
Yep. I like it. It deconstructs the bigotry and hatred that a Human-Pony couple would face in a TCB world.
And the anguish felt when one of them was forcibly converted.
1604437
For that, eat lightning from Thor
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The dreaded blue shell of doom
encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ-onOqAyPze2BYNS9Kb2_CDjszTOuZVA_qo47Vbal4k9hdj24q , and
Galactus, Destroyer of First Posts!
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In all seriousness, you earn no points and that makes Luna sad encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQvCLDK1YG53DCQaDDi_TPeHMjXLfHwvyhivBaZcuMep7oX1erH
Glad I could find another one that doesn't color all humans with the same "evil" paintbrush.
I spent exactly 20 seconds looking for a tcb story. Speak of the devil and all that...
I admit, the core concept of a human/pony pair dealing with the event of the human being ponified was interesting when I first read of it. But reading the story now, there's entirely too much purple, and the generous dollop of LUS didn't help either. My suggestion, adjust that and fix the grammar mistakes, and you'll have a much more polished product.
EDIT: Lastly, my own personal nitpick is the choice of characters seems artificial and kind of forced, especially given commonly accepted fanon regarding Octavia and Vinyl Scratch and their appearances within canon already. Would probably have been a more plausible choice to go with OCs instead, in my opinion. Withholding my thumb for the moment, as it balances evenly between an up and a downvote to me.
EDIT #2: I really admit to being a little disappointed with the long description. I'd hoped that you'd be writing a more balanced TCB story, as opposed to what the description hints at.
1613023 Erm... I didn't think the fic would invoke such a response, but whatever suits your beagles. Though now that you brought this up, I'll see what I can do with this new found knowledge. Though I would hardly call this chapter a deep look into the psyche of the TCB. It's hardly a story by itself, at least not yet.
That will change with time however.
I thank thee for your praise. Don't forget to add a little salt to the wound though.
Criticism will help me flourish.
1613265 Uh dude? You might want to check the "Anti Conversion Bureau." There are plenty of deconstructions to add along with it. Trust me, there are more than you think.
1613576 ... You don't know how much I love you right about now. You are the exact person I need to help with the story here. I need something to serve as a counterbalance so that I don't end up going all... Well, as you oh so elegantly put it, writing "purple prose." And no, I wasn't offended by your criticism at all. Quite the opposite really. Critics like yourself aid in picking apart details that could potentially be the story's utter ruin in the future.
What exactly would you do if you were the one at the helm of this story's development?
Your comment is indeed very detailed, but would you mind if I asked for a little more?
After all, I am a novice when it comes to writing anything that could barely resemble a story.
My travesties on fanfiction.net are a testament to that.
By all means, open up on this story and unleash terrible vengeance upon it.
The more scalding the better. It quite almost literally adds to my creative fuel cells.
Without you, my imagination would dull. You are the wheatstone that sharpens my intellectual blade.
Keep it up lad, you are doing fine so far!
1613576 As for shipping Vinyl and Octavia.... Well, I will admit that they are among my favorites in terms of shipping.
I suppose I can see what you are trying to convey. Hmm... This is gonna be a tricky dilemma to solve indeed...
I still want to keep them in this story, but perhaps adding a few OCs wouldn't hurt either... But the problem is that most of the OCs that I end up creating closely treads the lines of becoming a Marty/Mary Sue, thus why I haven't created any yet. Again, my first stories are a testament at how eye scratching some of the characters are.
I assure you, if this story actually had OCs, it would bomb even worse than you think.
But with a little assistance, I believe that could perhaps be surmounted.
As for being forced? I am a novice at writing fanfiction. It isn't surprising to be honest that you picked at this detail. I suck at writing romance, even with how passionate I can sometimes be shipping whatever two ponies that are alone with each other. (Think of me like Rarity with the shipping goggles.) This is a textbook example of writing up a suspenseful description to draw people in, only to fail to live up to the expectations and hype behind it. My apologies for misleading you Cloudhammer.
1613576 One last thing.
What imagery does the description invoke?
Please detail which parts of it engage your imagination exactly.
I wouldn't want to dissapoint, now would I?
I can't please everyone, but I'll be damned if I don't do my best to
solve that problem. (Just don' get your hopes up. Chances are, this bias will be present throughout the story. My sincere apologies.)
Gentlemen, you heard the man. Tear into this story with all your reckless abandon.
The more scathing and critical, the better I will be able to respond and deal with the problem accordingly.
Otherwise you leave me in the dark with no steering wheel to use.
That is your mission lads. Don't fail this story now!
Godspeed you glorious basterds!
It’s not bad, or good at the same time. Most of the problems I've seen are of the grammatical kind, but the story seems... well, flat. There's little backstory, character development, let alone emotions and the whole story reads as, "Humans aren't bad, so ponification is evil and stuff like that."
I would go into more detail, but I'm at school and can berley string a sentence together.
1617001 ... Well at least it isn't horrible. I was expecting the response to this story to be abysmal. But what can I expect? I'm a mediocre writer at the best of times, and a can barely keep a coherent plot, let alone an entire story.
It's most an experimental story, sorta for my own amusement if you will. It's not aiming to be the next Fallout Equestria, or even your average story on this site. It essentially boils down to being a comfort food. Only instead of being ice cream and cake, it is a self fulfillment fanfiction. So no, it hardly qualifies something that would resemble quality, and I accept that.
In other words, if you were looking for something out of the norm, you are wasting your time here.
I am by no means above the average. More often sadly a little below that.
1625950
Well it wasnt the worst fanfiction I've read, but the whole story seemed rushed, even in its paceing. But its by no means eye gougingly terrible, just rushed. It would of turned oht better if it was streched out a bit more and slowed down. Other than the minor gripes with grammar and the okay story line. Its an alight read.
1626210 Meh, the thing is sorta suppose to serve as a point in time.
I was thinking of drawing it back a couple months.
But how would you suggest that I manage this story?
I am all ears for improvement. I'll admit, the whole thing was pretty much cobbled up
in the span of a few hours, so my apologies.
1626310
No problem, it happens to the best of us.
Anyhow I sudjest planing the story; like if its going to have chapters, what the plot is, characters, settings, ect all in one word document. Once you have a general plan set up begin writing the mini plot (or the general goings on in a chapter) for that chapter and the others you may or may not have planned, right up to the very end. After that you begin to write the chapter acording to what you've planned. Then edit it, have someone lool over it incase you've made a mistake, and then publish it to the site.
That is what I sudjest, because its my method of writing stories and it seems to work for me.
But for the tl;dr version: Have a plan for the story, then write it, because it works for me so it should (hopefully) work for you.
1629638 I've actually been writing this out in my notepad that I carry on my person for just such an occasion.
Though I suppose I was in such haste to write this down that I didn't put any thought to streamlining this mess out before hand.
1614438
OH THANK YOU
I was getting tired of reading the kinds of stories where copious amounts of equine ass were kissed and humans were Flanderized to become TEH DEBBIL.
Not bad so far, by the way.
... Well I just done and jumped the gun on this one....
This thing needs more than just a little sprucing up in a couple places....
The problem is I have no idea on how to write out how they meet....
What a weakness..
I've read your story and found out it wasn't as new as I thought it was. Though you have an interesting beginning chapter and a more interesting flashback transition, I can't help but feel a little confused about the very beginning and the end. This is supposed to be one of those "How we got here" story, right? Well I can't really figure out which point in time was this happening. I'd like to think that "the present" is when Vinyl just finished watching Octavia's transformations, but then in the end it seem like it was much more further than this. Like Octavia's PER attitude went too far and is now about to do something to Vinyl and just before it happens we flashback to see what happens to Vinyl before it gets to that point and the main bulk of the story or beginning chapters is Vinyl's struggle with the ponified Octavia.
I have to point out that I like the middle part of the story where we learn a little bit about human Octavia's and pony Vinyl's life before it was turned upside down by the PER's action. I also learned enough about what kind of Conversion Bureau world it is and it seems like there are two prominent OCs that will help Vinyl in her troubles. I also liked the creepiness of the PER ponies attitudes toward Octavia, I'm now curious about the PER Octavia and I'm also wondering if this story will eventually become a quest to at least bring Octavia's usual personality back to normal. I wonder if PER Octavia is going to be a little weird with her music as well. All I can do now and sit and wait for the next chapter just like many of my readers have with my story. One more thing, you should follow my advice with Octavia and Vinyl talking over her transformation or at least trying to, it could even be one way with Vinyl desperatly trying to make sure 'Tavi's personality change isn't too drastic. Anyway I like the way the story is going so far.
1867870 25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lz3eucVBY01rokspjo1_500.jpg
1928881 I suggest you read my latest blog entry, it should help describe why I am having such trouble over every little detail.
See, I can formulate a scene, but trying to word it out is just simply one big pain in the ass for me. Every little word could potentially invoke a different image for every reader, and here I am trying to account for all that. I see the world from multiple perspective, and trying to account for them is driving me up the wall!
In the end, I get to nowhere.
In an RP environment, I have something that I can actually respond to, since the environment is already laid out for me to play in,
concerning myself only with my own OC's reactions, if you will. I also have a problem in trying to organize the story in chronological order, since my inspiration is an on/off hit and run. I feel like I HAVE to size these moments before they pitter out and die a whisper, you get what I am saying?
Very inconvenient, if I do say so myself. And I do want to write this ship, seeing as how in S1 fanon, Octavia was once considered one of the only earth ponies out there who could play a stringed instrument such as a cello, and provide a far superior product to her unicorn counterparts. Even without hands or magic, she still managed to prevail. That is what I wanted to capture here, to show how her spirit triumphs over evil, both human and pony. A focus on both Vinyl's and Octy's relationship with each other so that the reader may feel hope, to share in their emotions, be it anger, sorrow, joy and so forth.
Plus, this is one of my favorite shippings out there. Octavia being a personal favorite for me due to how much in common I seem to share in her personality and demeanor. Refined, Introverted, Class, Sophisticated, and a true mare of expressive spirit.
And I want to do each scene justice, so much so it ends up being my downfall, getting stuck on what should relatively be minor scenes.
I know that it is MY story and all, but I want to convey how I would imagine it correctly. You get what I am saying?
1931066
Yes I get what you're saying, but I'm thinking this is the first time you've seen a fan speculate about what would happen next this deeply before. Your story is your own after all, I'm just wondering what would happen next and these are just simply my thoughts, especially with Vinyl looking up to a creepy happy Octavia with several guard ponies and newfoals in the end of the first chapter which made me think that way about Octavia.
1934191 If you mean reading fan comments trying to speculate what could happen next, then yes that is a first time for me. An author can sometimes be provided helpful material by simply reading the speculations that are in place. You could potentially find new ways to branch the story off into, twist up their expectations, play with their emotions, hit em with a sudden curveball out of nowhere, throwing off the reader entirely by the sheer audacity of it. It would be nice if the readers here provided their speculation on this, especially since the more you update, the bigger audience that you are going to attract.
Hell, I've once written some lonely fanfiction on the majority of a fanfic on a 123 page notepad,
yet here I am stuck on juice. If you would kindly give your thoughts on what I have on my latest blog, I will be forever grateful.
1936719
@the first paragraph
Then on one hand you shouldn't be too dismissive about the speculations, but on the other hand you should encourage more thoughts like this if you're somewhat of a teasing type or have fun reading about other people's ideas. I didn't exactly ask what was really happening in the end so I want to get this straight about why I thought Octavia would go PER, in the end Vinyl looks up to Octavia in complete fear for friend standing right next to a bunch of newfoals and guardponies, complete with a creepy smile on her face as well. So I have to wonder, is this one of those parts that will be explained later in the story or not? If not, then what's happenig here?
@second paragraph
I just did last night, lost some sleep writing that though.
Only thing to be said negatively: a fair amount of typoes and some grammatical and punctuational errors. Other than that, I'd love to read more.
2181523 Aye, I am working on that lad. To make a long story short, my belief is that the goal of language is to convey and communicate ideas with other individuals. If that goal is met, then you have reached a mutual understanding with the other party. Though for things like essays and stories, I do still encourage the use of proper grammar, even within comments. But a minor error or so shouldn't be the downfall of a story.
By the way, what stood out in this story? What were my strengths and weaknesses?
2182247 Well to start the whole 'Octy's a human Vinyl's a pony, but buck that, we'll have a relationship...' Then there's the 'Octy's now a pony, ' the buck do I do?' Plus the cult like 'new-foal's Always smiling, creeping me the buck out. Finally(ish) the 'Octy's smiling at you as a pony part of the cult thing-a-majigeder' suspenceful cliffhanger.
Cliff Hanger, hanging from a cliff, and that's why they call him cliff hanger!
Coudoes to anypony who gets the reference.
2184838 ... So, all I have to do is establish a relationship?
The chapter is the prologue.
How do you suggest I develop this?
2184909 Before you do that, why are the 'new-foal's so frikin' creepy.
And it was never updated again...
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2316644 Some claim that soon after author wrote this, he was kidnapped and turned into one of Celestia's most loyal ponies. To this day, he continues to spread the word of the Goddess in Her Name. Celestia bears fruit, saving Humanity from corruption.
"Gloria Celestia de Luna!"
All silliness aside though, you have given me some incentive to update this thing. However, I am still busy with my latest story. Kinda having this on the back burner while I try to formulate new plot ideas. This process takes months at the very least to compile all the data.
Whelp, to anyone reading this, I am going to try and see if I can continue writing this story, considering I have been blocked with a brick wall in attempting to go beyond my means there.
Hopefully it shant be too terrible.
well fuck -_-. god damn fucking pony's. I will die before i turn
2598232 Well then brother, to Hell with us.
This is why O injected aether into my blood.
Please continue this story. I want to see Vinyl get rescued by the PHL - lead by humans, rebel ponies, and Princess Luna. Then, Luna tells Vinyl that Princess Celestia has turned evil, in the same way that Princess Luna became Nightmare Moon. Vinyl needs to assist in holding off the Celestial Army long enough for Luna to find the six human bearers of the Elements of Harmony, who can purify the pony bearers of the Elements of Harmony and the now evil, Princess Celestia.
For inspiration, here are two useful links.
http://www.movieoutline.com/articles/the-hero-journey-mythic-structure-of-joseph-campbell-monomyth.html
https://creativewhack.com/product.php?productid=64
First, a story is a narrative, a sequence of events of someone doing something for a reason.
Second, think like a journalist by asking the Five Ws and one H questions.
Who did that?
What happened?
Where did it take place?
When did it take place?
Why did that happen?
How did it happen?