itisdoctorwhooves
Joined 17th Sep, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- SFaccountant · 176k words · 537 19 · 9.1k views
- V-Pony · 778k words · 1,940 144 · 32k views
- Conner Cogwork · 33k words · 2,273 31 · 33k views
- Rytex · 382k words · 312 32 · 10k views
- Phaoray · 70k words · 329 18 · 6.9k views
- Wolokai · 41k words · 337 21 · 11k views
- Ronglar · 35k words · 131 12 · 5.8k views
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.068 seconds
Total duration
1,063 users online
385,400 hits today, 2,156,967 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Well... That was a pile of fuck.
*Debesh cracks his neck.*
Hey, Harrison Ford, can you give me a hand with this thing?
cdn.breitbart.com/mediaserver/Breitbart/Big-Hollywood/2012/09/18/indy-blu-ray/Indiana_Jones.jpg
"I've got a bad feeling about this..."
The first thing anyone will ever see of your story is the title and description. If you haven't put the effort into making sure they're grammatically correct, people will get bad vibes before they've even read it.
Wait... what? He's packing his things in the forest, so... he lives there? He's surprised at where he is, so... no, he can't live there... If he's in the forest, how are there no signs of life? What was his 'best bet?' What's the context for all of this? I'm a paragraph in and I'm confused... and that isn't a good thing.
...why? Why does your character have an evil side? Why is this relevant to the plot? What purpose does having an evil side serve?
If Yellow Sound doesn't care, why is he bothering to stick his nose in the business of other ponies?
Aren't they in, you know, Ponyville? Why are they in the wrong fething town for their school?
NO!
*Debesh slaps itisdoctorwhooves on the wrist with a rolled-up newspaper.*
Keep one person. One. Don't jump from first to third like that, ever.
You also have some severe tense issues.
What the hell is Black Thorn's problem? For absolutely no reason he's been an ass the entire time, and now he starts a fight because someone bumped into him?
Can anyone call bullshit? Like a pony can throw another pony that far, inside a building no less.
Seriously... why did you feel the need to go to third person and back again? There was no need for that at all.
:|
All in all... what is this story about? Why do I care about Yellow Sound? Where is the plot going? There's nothing here that makes me interested in the story, and there's nothing to engage anyone else either. I don't see where the story is going or what you're trying to do except write about your super-awesome OC. You need to try a lot harder than this if you want to write a decent story.
- Debesh Unnos, Mercenary Reviewer
Who's mwah?
1816526
I think it's "moi" as in "me" as in "the author".
"Mwah" is a close approximation of the pronunciation of "moi", the french equivalent of "me".
Also I think I will upvote this story for the sheer amount of derisive laughs I had while reading it.
1816972
Well, hot damn.
Being a native French speaker, I can see where he's coming from with the moi -> mwah thing, but I can't tell if he's serious.
well, thanks for the reviews everyone. it looks like i'm going to be editing the shit out of this story.
I'm sorry, but I laughed when I saw prologue spelled wrong.
1822670 whatever >.> I've had a extremely stressful day and I can't think straight. The only reason I'm spelling this right in this message is because I have autocorrect
1823039 It's all good, brochacho. I know that not everyone is amazing with grammar and so on, but I just thought it was funny and couldn't refrain from posting a comment on it. Hope you feel better and good luck with your story. =D
>>amasharan thanks