Canvas

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Canvas

An epic war in Equestria's future hinges on the actions of a blank flank in the past. When Lumen finally does something worthy of a cutie mark, his flank is still blank. This raises several questions. "What is my talent? Why am I here? Who is this voice in my head?"

Chapters (4)

Prologue · 11th Dec 2012 · 174 words
174
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The New Farmhand · 23rd Jan 2013 · 1,144 words
1,144
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Meet and Greet · 30th Jan 2013 · 2,135 words
2,135
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Nightmare Moon · 1st Feb 2013 · 2,040 words
2,040
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Comments ( 7 )

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PegasusKlondike

PegasusKlondike #1 · Feb 1st, 2013 · · · Prologue ·

Okay, you know how to write a good sentence, and this is at least legible. But, I have sections of author's notes that are longer than this.

jozeether

jozeether #2 · Feb 1st, 2013 · · · Nightmare Moon ·

2058534
It's just a prologue to show that epicness is coming.

Dusky Flower

Dusky Flower #3 · Feb 1st, 2013 · · · The New Farmhand ·

I dunno, this just seems a bit... rushed. I've been guilty of rushing, but Applejack finds him interesting...why? Why does she find him interesting? What does he do that convinces her? He doesn't demonstrate it, aside from his eternal blank flank, and that alone doesn't really make him interesting. I can't really invest myself in Lumen. Sorry...

Do note that I am not trying to be mean here, I am trying to point out places that could be improved.

jozeether

jozeether #4 · Feb 1st, 2013 · · · The New Farmhand ·

2058694
Constructive criticism is always welcome. Thanks. I may go back and change it, or start over from square one considering nobody seems to like it.

Dusky Flower

Dusky Flower #5 · Feb 1st, 2013 · · · Nightmare Moon ·

2058762

Don't scrap the idea, it was a good one. The problem was it wasn't in-depth enough to make it interesting. Lumen may not be very interesting right now, but if you went into his head a bit more, the pain of trying to fit into a society where everypony has a purpose but you, how he came to be the pony he was today, how he was treated by other ponies, that sort of thing. Is it a condition or has he just not discovered his talent? Has he given up on trying for a cutie mark?

As I said, he has the potential to be an interesting character, but he just seems a bit... flat right now. Thank you for taking this well, by the way, instead of raging at everyone who doesn't like your fic. Have hope, you'll improve.

And yes, I have some kinda awful stories in my history too.

Don't worry, you'll get better. Try writing some other stories, and think about what everyone has said- that's how I got my description to stop being so flat.

Just keep writing! This story or not, keep trying.