So far so good.  I can't see any glaring errors, no walls o' text.  Everything seems to be in order.  I'll withhold any thumbs and whatnot for more.

One problem in the description though:

or will she be forced to sit on the sidelines as Equestria irrevocably changes around her?

interesting i'm fallowing

Whoa thats some intense stuff happening, most definetly following this.

Didnt even know it was from Fao

I don't see a Romance tag, but I just got a notice that this story was added to the Twilestia group.  Odd...

Well.... that was impressive, and scary..

>>15341111534111

The Twilestia Group also has an "other" category. Maybe someone added it there?

>>15339911533991

Thank you for catching that. Fixed. I didn't send this to a beta, so...yeah. I'm lazy. How's the actual writing? I second-guessed myself the entire time I was writing this about if it read well or not.

This story is amazing! A featured boxer for sure!

I aprrove. Have an upward-facing thumb.

>>15341321534132

It read fine to me.  I can be a bit lax when it comes to mechanics.  So long as it's not a common error or something that is glaring, I tend to pass over it.  It moves fast but that's not a bad thing here.  You set the tone of Twilight and Celestia's relationship pretty early on with Twilight both admiring Celestia and yet maintaining her own personality (and though I can't see show-Twi being this relaxed around her mentor, I always found her 'fawning' to be a bit unrealistic and this is a nice pace) instead of being 'Celestia's Shadow' as i'twere.

A problem with the pacing is that Twilight is thrown out of the stained glass hallway, has a tantrum and then appears above the castle ... where a gigantic ball of energy is tearing everything apart.  The tantrum feels like a few seconds but I don't get the sense the ball was growing until we exit the castle.  While you explicitly say it is, it doesn't feel like it.  Maybe because it grew so fast?  It's not a big thing and doesn't detract; I had to read the section three times before I even picked up on it.

How is Twilight hovering?  A spell?  Luna still holding her?  I read along and it was Luna holding her in the air by a spell but I'd make it more clear that is where Twilight starts.  I was wondering how Twilight was standing on a cloud at first because that's how my mind's eye saw it.

So in the course of 4k words, I saw two small things that can be glossed over by the avid reader and only someone digging would notice.  I'd say you did a pretty bang up job.  Again, this is me trying to find something so these are not major issues.

>>15342601534260

Thank you very much for that. You hit every concern I had with the chapter when I was writing it. I didn't want to add more exposition because I thought the story was already too filled with "technobabble" as it was. I tried to write the ball/spell/reaction as growing faster and faster, but I suppose it was a bit too vague. I'll try and correct this in the coming chapters.

Good setup. Kinda wish there was more revealed initially.

Im liking this before even reading this. It sounds amazing.

I have always wanted to see a fanfic with corrupted Celestia, with Celestia's looks being normal or even pinklestia, with a fiery mane- except I thought red fire would fit.

But blue looks nice!

Wow.

I seriously need to figure out how to watch stories without watching the author instead. Can anyone point me in the right direction?

>>15344361534436

Near the top there should be a grey star, click it to add to favorites then move your courser away then back to show a box that says "email updates, check it.

>>15344361534436

You hit that star shape next to the ratings.

As for this story, I'll have to read it...sometime...this year...when I've got everything else sorted out...stupid prior engagements.

Oh, wait. I thought that added it to your faves. Thanks, guys!

Now that is how you start a story. Bravo, my friend, bravo. You seem to be familiar with the engagement curve it seems. I am anticipating great things from you.

>>15343051534305

That's the point of this chapter. The grand opening of any good story leaves the audience wanting more.

whooaa, this went out control really quick, it scalated fast

I like, hope you update it soon

this can work......this can work well indeed......please update soon

Out of curiosity, was this at all inspired by the Startrek episode, 'Tomorrow is Yesterday'?

>>15345451534545

It does but it's the only proper way to track a story.

I dunno, this seems to already be going into odd territory for me.  

Discord wasn't the type to plan ahead this far.  If he had, there's no way he could've lost.  Also, complex plans are not the modus of a being of chaos, but a being of order.  Evil order, yes, but it takes an ordered and disciplined mind to be several steps ahead of an opponent.

And Discord's loss to the Bearer's is more than enough evidence to demonstrate his failings in that category.

This seems more like a trap I'd expect from Nightmare Moon, or perhaps the new villain, Sombra.

>>15341521534152

What do you know! I was right.

it's so awsome I this story so far

>>15339911533991

But...

What you quoted is the correct spelling and usage of that word...

wat

i liked it so far but (and this is personal opinion feel free to ignore) i feel like you cast celestia as already a bit towards your vision of her from her past as opposed to how she is in the show. overall though very good, couldn't find any spelling or grammar errors. liked and faved

Ho, boy... You've left us with a major cliffhanger, and no real meat to the story. We're starved for more, and please deliver.

No thumbs up for you; too early to tell if this will be good or not.

>>15354851535485 and thus showing the author what the correct spelling is.

as a fan of Nightmare Sol, I'm gonna ave to....Fave and track this.

Also, amazing work, my good mman.

great opening chapter! didn't catch any "new" mistakes, and even then the flow of the story was great!

one question though: are the tags final?

>>15354851535485

Yeah, I changed it and bolded it to draw his attention to that.  He had it as 'irrevocable' in the description.

>>15339911533991

OMG!  ish you~!!!!  

HURRAY!

>>15359591535959

Yeah, should have made it more clear what I was thanking you for: thanks for pointing out the word error, lel.

A typo:

and Twilight realized that Celstia had been working a complex spell while she had been talking.

So far so good.

Looks good, Will follow

Interesting start, this has lots of potential. Can't wait to see where it goes.

This story i likey!

I like!

I like this, continue on.

>>15359591535959

Aah. Apologies, the usual procedure (at least in my experience) is to quote the error directly and then supply the correction below.

>>15367771536777

Ah.  That would explain the confusion!  Sorry for not sticking to protocol but I'm not too great an editor so I'm not all that skilled.

Always was a fan of the Celestia's evil half idea. What are you going to call her?

>>15371811537181

I would have thought "Solar Flare" would be a good name. Idk, everyone seems to have different names for evil Celestia

I get the feeling that Twilight is being set up for a whole world of heartbreak.

Added it read later, will check it out tomorrow. Looks great from the first chapter.

>>15340241534024  Hi Fallowing!  Let us know when you're suitable for planting crops again.

>>15344041534404

There are a few actually. mostly what if story's revolving around what if Celestia was the one sealed away for 1000 years. I believe the fan name is Solar Flare.

I can't wait to see where you go with this. I can only imagine how awesome this will be.

Daym!!! Thats FRIGGIN AWESOME!!!!

It sounded in the end like Discord's spell was stopped by Celestia.

Maybe Celestia absorbed the Elements and Discord's chaos magic into herself, promptly corrupting her?

Well, I guess this is good in a way, in that instead of the spell destroying the world we now have an evil alicorn that can possibly be redeemed.

When Celestia isn't being useless, molesty, or a troll, as much as I don't like admitting it, she's a badass who ALWAYS has the Master Plan...

Welp, it's up to our brave heroes now to save the world from an evil force once again! Don't let Celestia's sacrifice be for naught!

I like the way this story is written and the plot itself is also very good so far.

I hope you can keep the good work up till the end.

I'm only reading cause of the picture nothing more

Well, this can't be good...

Fascinating opening. I look forward to more.

Image: http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/295/561/d99

alternate universe fics have always been among my favorite genres, and this looks very intriguing. i was particularly impressed by the impressive amount of detail given to your description of magic. most authors don't really bother with explaining its mechanics or operation at all, and it's always refreshing to get a good deep glimpse into thaumaturgical events. can't wait for moar!

>>15404131540413

And here I was worried that going deeply into it would be a breaker for a lot of readers!

That is all I have to say, aside from liked and faved.

This story reminds me of this...

Image: http://fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2012/214/e/f/discord_versus_lightmare_sun_by_ziom05-d55m130.jpg

good job.

also here is the source

>>15404871540487

believe me, Magitek is my favorite thing ever. it's the big reason why i love fics like The Immortal Game and Days of Wasp and Spider so much. i can't get enough!

>>15418231541823

holy balls that it epic.

gotta love Evilestia.

Image: http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/427/107/3d6.jpg

[sees cover picture] What is this? [reads description] What. The. Heck. [favorites]

Another minor error Fon:

She held the trashing unicorn tight in her magical embrace

I presume it should be thrashing rather than trashing.

Make more, or for the love of nightmare moon i will HURT YOU BADLY.

This is really good so far.

More. Now. OR ELSE!!!!!

Is this even being written anymore?

>>16298521629852

It's only been two weeks! Really, have people forgotten how lazy I am?

>>16298691629869 Yes. Actually I didn't know you were lazy. I LIKE MAH STOREEZ NAHW.

Okay, this was a sorta long chapter. If you comment, could you include some feedback on how I handled dialog? Did it look natural? Was the format good? Did it look odd at any time? Dialog is one of my biggest weaknesses as an author and this story will have a lot of dialog in it, so I'm trying to improve.

Thanks for reading.

can't speak for other readers but i think you wrote it well

FINAL-FKING-LEE!

Hm... the chapter did okay, but the real main plot element hasn't kicked in yet, leaving us in the dark. I'm not saying you should rush in with what happened. That would make the pacing to fast. But there are stories that have too slow a pacing that basically has the first chapters being nothing but characters screwing about.

What I'm saying is don't make the plot go too fast, but don't just make us wait an hour before the events really start in Ernest.

What Nova said, take build a little and don't rush ahead but at the same time don't take forever to get things moving at a decent pace

>>16520151652015

I think that any weaknesses you possess are well hidden. Given the situation, everyone's dialogue felt like it fit with their scenarios. I have no problem reading the paragraphs the way you wrote them.

Love the 'Like a Boss-level' Rarity you got here. Nothing gets by her social skills.

I might have to look back on it to give a formal critique on dialogue, but it seemed fine from just reading it.  My word there's alot for them to deal with.  Not to mention if we get the Celestia from the description everything is going to go haywire......although it would be nice to see her just give the entire snobby canterlot royalty a good verbal thrashing.

If this chapter was a ship, it would give old Iron Sides a run for its money.  Damn fine 'penmanship' sir, damn fine work.

Moar.

>>16521871652187

Well, I sort of disagree with you. I introduced a lot this chapter - several important characters, a new setting, and more of an explanation of what is going on outside of Canterlot. I considered adding about another two thousand or so words of "meat" to this chapter, but I realized it would just be too much. There are things in this chapter I think the reader should take note of without the shoe dropping next chapter.

>>16526931652693 true you didn introduce a lot, but i still only have the description to go by what the hell happened to Celestia, which is the biggest question we have right now.

>>16527711652771

Of course it is, which is why I'm milking it.

Then again, you can get some hints from this chapter as to what is going on with Celestia if you look hard enough. Honest.

Amazing

Didn't notice any big mistakes. I would like it if you would press tab at the beginning of each paragraph though. That's about it.

~LunaCraft

>>16529221652922

I've resisted doing that for years because it really doesn't look good (in my opinion) outside of paper printed work. I like nice, uniform paragraphs on fan fiction.

>>16529511652951 I think that way is harder to read. I end up just scrolling really fast until the end of the chapter. Or if I see something in bold. I like bold

>>16528471652847

Of course it is, which is why I'm milking it.

Thats a good way to lose readers.

>>16530271653027

Well, as I said, it was a choice between adding around 2k more words to the end of this chapter or making a more bulky chapter next. I think the cliffhanger is better here, really.

>>16530401653040 Its not the cliffhanger that bugs me. But...

...

*sigh* just keep going on as you have but dont leave us in the dark.

This is totally the best "evil celestia" fic ive read. Don't listen to these haters, keep doing what ur doing cuz it sounds authentic. Looking forward to the update, may it be soon!

>>16530501653050, You seem to simply be impatient. Things are happening. And mysteries are a part of a story. This story isn't going to lose any readers at the pace it's going. Finding Celestia is the story at the moment. Having found her in this chapter would have been too fast.

As for the chapter, >>16520151652015. It's great. As someone who's good with dialogue and struggles with description, I wouldn't have called you bad at dialogue at all. It fits well in the chapter. I don't know if I commented on the last chapter or not, but there's a good mix of everything in here that makes it easy to read. Sometimes a writer will make endless trails of dialogue like a script, sometimes they'll beat us over the head with description so that I skip paragraphs, sometimes there are other things, but this is a joy to read. I find it interesting that with your admitted shortcomings at dialogue, you would begin the chapter with it though

A comment about the first bit though, the end of the dialogue should be on a different line than "the rattled pegasus" since the pegasus wasn't the one who was speaking. It makes a tiny bit of confusion as to the fact that it was Shining speaking.

Might I point out some typos, though:

Rarity was painting in the artificial humidity

errant power into a single, massive threat of magic that fed directly into each of their horns.

There were a few others, but I lost them. Oh well. I am massively enjoying this fic. Keep up your awesome work.

>>16541141654114

As always, thanks for the grammar catches! As to the first bit, I know it's awkward, but I can't cut it without significantly altering the first two paragraphs. I'm just going to have to leave it like it is and hope people can work around it.

My biggest advice is you got to loosen up the chapters a bit. It seemed pushed in places and alittle formal on the dialogue.

But overall a nice piece if work if you discount how long it took.

So good job!

>>16541501654150

I'm unsure of what you think you need to cut. All you need is for “Lieutenant, I want an actual report, not a string of uneducated guesses! Get back out there!” to be on its own line ...

love it

>>16547751654775

Then I would have to redo the second paragraph to show who Shining Armor was talking to, which would ruin his reveal. I dunno, it just doesn't seem right to me.

>>16546681654668

Dammit, that's what I thought my problem was. I always feel like my dialog is too stiff. No idea how to fix that, though.

>>16549931654993 Again. No re-doing required. One person talks, another person moves, then the reveal. Have you not seen anything like that in stories before?

>>16551071655107

Wait, wait, wait. You mean:

“Lieutenant, I want an actual report, not a string of uneducated guesses! Get back out there!”

A rattled pegasus saluted and leapt back into the sky, joining an ever-crowding sky of guards, gawkers, and worried family and friends.

Shining Armor, Captain of the Canterlot Royal Guard, was living through the longest day of modern Equestrian history and his nerves were shot. He hadn’t been at the castle during the accident. Most of the guard had been given the night off by Celestia herself for services performed while Discord rampaged and that was shaping up to be the only silver lining to this cloud. He had a hundred well-rested guardsmen to rely on and Shining Armor was using every single one.

That looks awkward to me.

>>16551161655116 I don't think so, but either way, it's not as awkward as implying the pegasus spoke to himself and then flew off.

Nice to see more of this. Keep up the good work!

I'm not sure if anypony else had this problem, but I didn't realized it was Twilight who had her flank bandaged until the cutie mark underneath was revealed. I small issue, as far as things go, but it was quite jarring at the time.

Brilliant work, though I hope this story isn't going to be too dark. Rarity's flirting was pretty funny/cute.

Also while Celestia is obviously going to undergo some change here, I hope she isn't going to become a different character entirely. Her perspective and the quality of her magic may change somewhat but she should retain the very essence of who she is.

Still, I suppose 'Celestia is Best Villain' as they say!

this felt great to me, no big complaints over here. i'm loving the direction of the story so far, it's moving at a good pace, not too slow but not too fast either. i'm really excited that you're putting lots of work into the magic aspect of the story, as that is something i always love to read about.

have you ever read The Immortal Game? it spends a lot of time on magic as well, and it's among my top five MLP fanfics. this fic reminds me of it (and trust me, that is meant as a huge complement).

>>16589411658941

I did read that fic and I enjoyed it, mostly. It's a bit too...moral for me, though. Too cut-and-dry with the whole good vs evil dynamic. I like writing in a grey area, which is what I (hopefully) will show with this story.

Regardless, the writing in Immortal Game is superb and it's flattering to be compared to AestheticB even in that way.