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Fon Shaolin

Joined October 2011
118 followers

Howdy. I've been writing fan fiction for years (six or seven at last count) and I've never gotten better at it. However, if you can find some enjoyment here then more power to you!

Stories (7)

  • Yesterday Is Today
    Discord puts a plan into motion that changes Equestria forever.

    20,152 words · 5,869 views · 502 likes · 15 dislikes
  • Forever is Forever
    Applejack returns to Canterlot for the Summer Sun Celebration after 33 years away.
    5,040 words · 7,030 views · 120 likes · 10 dislikes
  • Defense in Depth
    Twilight's life takes on a different tint when she fails to pass her entrance exam for Celestia's School. As it turns out, there are other ways to serve her princess and country.
    19,056 words · 923 views · 71 likes · 5 dislikes
  • Twilight Sparkle Hates Books
    A confession a lifetime in the making.
    1,310 words · 1,322 views · 103 likes · 9 dislikes
  • Miss Sparkle Goes to Canterlot
    26,453 words · 3,122 views · 83 likes · 9 dislikes
  • Twilight Sparkle and Applejack Enjoy Some Peaches
    1,616 words · 151 views · 13 likes · 8 dislikes
  • How the West Was Won
    1,093 words · 781 views · 9 likes · 5 dislikes

Blog Posts (30)

Source

Discord had one last trick up his sleeve to play before being locked up again: he's turned Equestria's timeless protector into its most dangerous threat. The kindhearted princess that ponies loved and adored is gone, replaced by an alicorn of iron and blood that forged Equestria out of the fires of pre-history. Can Twilight Sparkle survive being the student of a pony who never had need of the magic of friendship or will she be forced to sit on the sidelines as Equestria irrevocably changes around her?

First Published
30th Oct 2012
Last Modified
24th Dec 2012

Comments ( 186 )

#1 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 22h ago · · ·

So far so good.  I can't see any glaring errors, no walls o' text.  Everything seems to be in order.  I'll withhold any thumbs and whatnot for more.

One problem in the description though:

or will she be forced to sit on the sidelines as Equestria irrevocably changes around her?

#2 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 22h ago · · ·

interesting i'm fallowing

#3 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 21h ago · · ·

Whoa thats some intense stuff happening, most definetly following this.

Didnt even know it was from Fao :pinkiecrazy:

#4 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 21h ago · · ·

I don't see a Romance tag, but I just got a notice that this story was added to the Twilestia group.  Odd...

#5 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 21h ago · · ·

Well.... that was impressive, and scary.. :pinkiegasp:

#6 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 21h ago · · ·

>>1534111

The Twilestia Group also has an "other" category. Maybe someone added it there?

>>1533991

Thank you for catching that. Fixed. I didn't send this to a beta, so...yeah. I'm lazy. How's the actual writing? I second-guessed myself the entire time I was writing this about if it read well or not.

#7 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 21h ago · · ·

This story is amazing! A featured boxer for sure! :pinkiehappy:

#8 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 21h ago · · ·

I aprrove. Have an upward-facing thumb.

#9 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 21h ago · · ·

>>1534132

It read fine to me.  I can be a bit lax when it comes to mechanics.  So long as it's not a common error or something that is glaring, I tend to pass over it.  It moves fast but that's not a bad thing here.  You set the tone of Twilight and Celestia's relationship pretty early on with Twilight both admiring Celestia and yet maintaining her own personality (and though I can't see show-Twi being this relaxed around her mentor, I always found her 'fawning' to be a bit unrealistic and this is a nice pace) instead of being 'Celestia's Shadow' as i'twere.

A problem with the pacing is that Twilight is thrown out of the stained glass hallway, has a tantrum and then appears above the castle ... where a gigantic ball of energy is tearing everything apart.  The tantrum feels like a few seconds but I don't get the sense the ball was growing until we exit the castle.  While you explicitly say it is, it doesn't feel like it.  Maybe because it grew so fast?  It's not a big thing and doesn't detract; I had to read the section three times before I even picked up on it.

How is Twilight hovering?  A spell?  Luna still holding her?  I read along and it was Luna holding her in the air by a spell but I'd make it more clear that is where Twilight starts.  I was wondering how Twilight was standing on a cloud at first because that's how my mind's eye saw it.

So in the course of 4k words, I saw two small things that can be glossed over by the avid reader and only someone digging would notice.  I'd say you did a pretty bang up job.  Again, this is me trying to find something so these are not major issues.

#10 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 21h ago · · ·

>>1534260

Thank you very much for that. You hit every concern I had with the chapter when I was writing it. I didn't want to add more exposition because I thought the story was already too filled with "technobabble" as it was. I tried to write the ball/spell/reaction as growing faster and faster, but I suppose it was a bit too vague. I'll try and correct this in the coming chapters.

#11 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 21h ago · · ·

Good setup. Kinda wish there was more revealed initially.

#12 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 20h ago · · ·

Im liking this before even reading this. It sounds amazing.

I have always wanted to see a fanfic with corrupted Celestia, with Celestia's looks being normal or even pinklestia, with a fiery mane- except I thought red fire would fit.

But blue looks nice!

#13 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 20h ago · · ·

Wow.

I seriously need to figure out how to watch stories without watching the author instead. Can anyone point me in the right direction?

#14 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 20h ago · · ·

>>1534436

Near the top there should be a grey star, click it to add to favorites then move your courser away then back to show a box that says "email updates, check it.

#15 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 20h ago · · ·

>>1534436

You hit that star shape next to the ratings.

As for this story, I'll have to read it...sometime...this year...when I've got everything else sorted out...stupid prior engagements.

#16 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 20h ago · · ·

Oh, wait. I thought that added it to your faves. Thanks, guys!

#17 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 20h ago · · ·

Now that is how you start a story. Bravo, my friend, bravo. You seem to be familiar with the engagement curve it seems. I am anticipating great things from you. :pinkiehappy:

>>1534305

That's the point of this chapter. The grand opening of any good story leaves the audience wanting more.

#18 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 19h ago · · ·

whooaa, this went out control really quick, it scalated fast

#19 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 19h ago · · ·

I like, hope you update it soon

#20 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 19h ago · · ·

this can work......this can work well indeed:rainbowkiss:......please update soon:pinkiecrazy:

#21 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 19h ago · · ·

Out of curiosity, was this at all inspired by the Startrek episode, 'Tomorrow is Yesterday'?

#22 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 18h ago · · ·

>>1534545

It does but it's the only proper way to track a story.

#23 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 17h ago · · ·

I dunno, this seems to already be going into odd territory for me.  

Discord wasn't the type to plan ahead this far.  If he had, there's no way he could've lost.  Also, complex plans are not the modus of a being of chaos, but a being of order.  Evil order, yes, but it takes an ordered and disciplined mind to be several steps ahead of an opponent.

And Discord's loss to the Bearer's is more than enough evidence to demonstrate his failings in that category.

This seems more like a trap I'd expect from Nightmare Moon, or perhaps the new villain, Sombra.

#24 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 17h ago · · ·

>>1534152

What do you know! I was right. :pinkiehappy:

#25 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 17h ago · · ·

:pinkiegasp: it's so :raritystarry: awsome I :heart: this story so far

#26 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 17h ago · · ·

>>1533991

But...

What you quoted is the correct spelling and usage of that word... :rainbowhuh:

wat :twilightoops:

#27 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 17h ago · · ·

i liked it so far but (and this is personal opinion feel free to ignore) i feel like you cast celestia as already a bit towards your vision of her from her past as opposed to how she is in the show. overall though very good, couldn't find any spelling or grammar errors. liked and faved

#28 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 16h ago · · ·

Ho, boy... You've left us with a major cliffhanger, and no real meat to the story. We're starved for more, and please deliver.

No thumbs up for you; too early to tell if this will be good or not.

#29 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 16h ago · · ·

>>1535485 and thus showing the author what the correct spelling is.

#30 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 15h ago · · ·

as a fan of Nightmare Sol, I'm gonna ave to....Fave and track this.

Also, amazing work, my good mman.

#31 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 15h ago · · ·

great opening chapter!:pinkiehappy: didn't catch any "new" mistakes, and even then the flow of the story was great!

one question though: are the tags final?

#32 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 15h ago · · ·

>>1535485

Yeah, I changed it and bolded it to draw his attention to that.  He had it as 'irrevocable' in the description.

#33 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 15h ago · · ·

>>1533991

OMG!  ish you~!!!!  :pinkiegasp:

HURRAY!

#34 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 15h ago · · ·

>>1535959

Yeah, should have made it more clear what I was thanking you for: thanks for pointing out the word error, lel.

#35 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 15h ago · · ·

A typo:

and Twilight realized that Celstia had been working a complex spell while she had been talking.

So far so good.

#36 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 14h ago · · ·

Looks good, Will follow

#37 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 14h ago · · ·

Interesting start, this has lots of potential. Can't wait to see where it goes.

#38 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 14h ago · · ·

This story i likey! :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

#39 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 14h ago · · ·

:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy: I like!

#40 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 13h ago · · ·

I like this, continue on.

#41 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 13h ago · · ·

>>1535959

Aah. Apologies, the usual procedure (at least in my experience) is to quote the error directly and then supply the correction below.

#42 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 13h ago · · ·

>>1536777

Ah.  That would explain the confusion!  Sorry for not sticking to protocol but I'm not too great an editor so I'm not all that skilled.

#43 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 12h ago · · ·

Always was a fan of the Celestia's evil half idea. What are you going to call her?

#44 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 10h ago · · ·

>>1537181

I would have thought "Solar Flare" would be a good name. Idk, everyone seems to have different names for evil Celestia

#45 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 10h ago · · ·

I get the feeling that Twilight is being set up for a whole world of heartbreak. :fluttercry:

#46 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 10h ago · · ·

Added it read later, will check it out tomorrow. Looks great from the first chapter.

#47 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 9h ago · · ·

>>1534024  Hi Fallowing!  Let us know when you're suitable for planting crops again. :twilightsmile:

#48 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 5h ago · · ·

>>1534404

There are a few actually. mostly what if story's revolving around what if Celestia was the one sealed away for 1000 years. I believe the fan name is Solar Flare.

#49 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 4h ago · · ·

I can't wait to see where you go with this. I can only imagine how awesome this will be.:pinkiehappy:

#50 · Chapter 1 · 91w, 4h ago · · ·

Daym!!! Thats FRIGGIN AWESOME!!!!:pinkiehappy:

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