• Member Since 15th Sep, 2012
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realracer

realracer Joined 15th Sep, 2012 · Offline

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realracer
realracer #1 · Oct 25th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: The wonderful wizard of ODD ·
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:pinkiehappy: I'm back, better than ever, Adam 2.0!
So basically I raged because of some flamers and went off to do my own shit, after about two months of trying to forget my pony ego, but I quickly found that Human Adam had stuck so firmly in my mind that he was now part of my life.
I looked at myself in a mirror today, I was in a store, one of those 'fancy' stores, I reached for a pinstriped black suit and tried it on, it not only fit me perfectly, but the woman at the desk really complimented how it looked upon me. I immediately asked if she had a pinstripe fedora and trousers, she said "Yes, but I'm not sure if they'd fit as well as that suit." I was immediately sent to the changing rooms, when I came out and inspected myself in a mirror, I almost looked the spitting image of how I imagined Adam. However, the reaction of the woman was perfect as she exclaimed "Oh my dear lord, sir, you look FABULOUS!" it kind of reminded me a bit like Rarity when she finds a new fashion design, I laughed slightly as my mind deviated me to this one thought.
At that moment, I realized that not only was this community shaping my life, it was shaping my style, making me almost imagine myself as Adam, almost putting me in his shoes. I rushed beck home and began pouring my heart, soul and imagination into this one, as for the extremely hurtful "I am not a brony anymore" comment, I admit, I am not the best at this, but I like it, that's all, it's just an independent and faceless source where people can share their ideas, laugh and love.:heart:

To all of you who remained, who watched me even through my absence, I love you the most.

- Adam XxX

Fallen Prime
Fallen Prime #3 · Oct 25th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: The wonderful wizard of ODD ·
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The OC design(s?) and the content of just the FIRST CHAPTER tell me this has to be a trollfic. NO ONE writes like this and calls it an honest attempt. I don't care if TWE has a badfic-until-proven-troll policy, but this is just... this isn't even SUBTLE.

twow443
twow443 #6 · Oct 25th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: The wonderful wizard of ODD ·
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1505472 Oh yeah. We're gonna have fun with this.

Wish me luck, I'm goin in. :flutterrage:

Themaster3peep
Themaster3peep #7 · Oct 25th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: The wonderful wizard of ODD ·
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just by reading the comments this has to be good and body dont do a fic with a alicorn i did it and man i got a lot more hates than likes but sense im a caring person i will give you a like:pinkiehappy:

Art Inspired
Art Inspired #9 · Oct 25th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: The wonderful wizard of ODD ·
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1505486 You again?:flutterrage: Dear god, SYMPATHY LIKER IN THE COMMENTS!:facehoof:

bahatumay
bahatumay #11 · Oct 25th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: The wonderful wizard of ODD ·
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1505417
Apparently. He has more watchers than I do. :applecry:
1505484
*salutes* May you return in safety.

So, post reading... my mind is full of wat.
My biggest issue here is telling. Don't tell me "Note: Adam would never say this," show me. Have Twilight stand back, horrified that such a word would come out of his mouth. After all, Adam would never say such a word. Then have the realization slowly dawn on her.
Much more entertaining.

Though Adam's rhymes weren't bad, I'll concede that.

Regidar
Regidar #12 · Oct 25th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: The wonderful wizard of ODD ·
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I'm gonna slide a like on in because that's the kind of shit I do. I'M A MONSTER!

Regidar
Regidar #14 · Oct 25th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: The wonderful wizard of ODD ·
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1505568 It's a hobby. In fact, the only stories I've ever downvoted are the ones you told me to, and one where someone plagiarized Poe.

Lucefudu
Lucefudu #15 · Oct 25th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: The wonderful wizard of ODD ·
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1/10 - Made me comment.

Fail troll. Try harder, brah.

Darkswirl
Darkswirl #16 · Oct 25th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: The wonderful wizard of ODD ·
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1505516 Hey Art.

I don't think 'sympathy liker' is a real word/phrase.

Art Inspired
Art Inspired #17 · Oct 25th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: The wonderful wizard of ODD ·
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1505604See this comment.1505568

1505606 Idk, but this is a HORRIBLE story.:pinkiehappy::rainbowlaugh:

twow443
twow443 #19 · Oct 25th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1: Extracting the truth ·
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This was not fun to read though. I'm going to tell you my opinions on the parts that bugged me the most, kay? :rainbowkiss:

Applejack dashed in, shortly followed by Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Spike, Pinkie pie and finally Fluttershy. He yelled "Oh fuck!" as he took off further into the depths of the library, Applejack not far behind. Before anything could be said, the tree then shook with a massive audible 'Thud!' Applejack said "I got 'im!" He cried "No fair! I WANT A DO-OVER!" Fluttershy quickly became spooked by the sound of tussling in the back of the tree, Twilight ran up into the room that Adam and Applejack were in. Twilight approached Adam, he squirmed underneath Applejack and said "Get off me you fat ugly CUNT!" (I would like to note that on the behalf of all new people that Adam will often refrain from swearing if he can. However, he will never say cunt to anyone, especially not his worst enemy.)

Now, I haven't read your other story, so if I'm missing something I'm sorry. But, this is rather, weird. First off, why is Applejack so bent on attacking Adam? This all seems a little bit rushed. Also, why are you talking in third-person and first-person? Don't do that, please. And you said that he's not going to say "cunt" to anyone, even though he said it? Consistency? What's that again?

Twilight said "It appears so Applejack, but why would she only want him, why not come for all of us, surely he alone isn't powerful enough to fuel her army?" She said this with confidence, but had even doubted herself. A Human that had four forms, one who could command the forces of magic with such strength should have been supervised and had constant checks made upon them. Adam was one of those dangerous yet interesting unknowns, one with the ability of cross-dimensional traversal was considered to be a god, even by unicorns standards it was rare for one of their fledglings to gain such abilities.

:facehoof: No. Please no. Reading this makes my say that this "Adam", who wasn't even there, mind you, is a Gary Stu. Heck you even said that someone with those abilities was considered a god! BAD. :flutterrage:

One: If there are humans in ANY part of your story, it needs a human tag. I don't see one.

Two: if he's so strong, WHY WAS HE CAPTURED? :flutterrage::flutterrage: I'm sorry, but that aggravates me. If he has a major flaw that can get him captured, good and fine, but you made him sound like he's Celestia and Luna rolled into one. And you said that Chrysalis captured him? Bull. Chrysalis was beaten by the power of love, I get that. But you're saying that Adam has FOUR forms AND one of them has a extreme grip on the power of magic. How in the h*ll did he get captured?! Please, have a damn good explanation for this, or this won't end well for you.

All the ponies of ponyville knew Mada well enough to know that a 'Mada' promise was binding, just like Pinkie's only to the next extreme, if the pony promised and then forfeited the promise, he would bond them up in his house and proceed to form hardcore sexual acts upon them relentlessly for the next week. Many ponies made Mada promises because he was a loose cannon, sometimes ponies even volunteered to be captured by Mada, he laughed as he always got the ponies to near orgasmic point and then denied them the opportunity to experience their own hot liquids gushing pleasurably out of them.

What? No, I'm serious, what?! What the hell? :pinkiesick:

Okay, I don't know who this pony is, but...he needs a backstory. Now. Why is he Adam's alter ego? What happened to make him like that? And please for the love of Celestia...explain what the heck I just read. This....this part wasn't even needed! I honestly have no idea where this would be used in your story. I know that this is rated Mature, but, I don't understand......

He wiped a tear of laughter from his eye, it solidified into pure diamond, Rarity gasped but didn't do anything else. He flicked the tear shaped diamond into his hoof, then handed it to Pinkie, he said "My one act of kindness to you, use it whenever you want, just press it between your hooves, make any wish, it'll come true. That's for making me laugh my fucking ass off." he chuckled slightly as he walked out the door, leaving the entire crew gazing at Pinkie with awe and a hint of jealousy. It was rare for Mada to consciously do any good, once a day he did one extremely brilliant act of kindness and selflessness to 'balance out' all his acts of evil, somewhere inside of him lived a fragment of Adam, no matter how small, it affected him hugely.

Tear+ turning into diamond=:facehoof: What, is guy just as strong as Adam? Because if he is, then you have TWO Gary Stu's. One is bad enough. And this diamond tear grants wishes? Why?

As happy as I am that this "evil" character did some good, I'd rather it made sense. Also, one act of kindness isn't going to balance out acts of evil. There are very few times where I've seen that work well. This is not one of them.

I will give you points for using capitals and mostly having your paragraphs spaced well. I went though at least two stories today that did not have those. Remember that when another person (or pony) talks, it starts on a new line. Always.

My final advice. Re-write this. Add some backstory, and some more development to Mada. Simple stating that he's an evil sex-driven pony doesn't help. I wanna know his thoughts, his goals, why he does what he does, what his plans are.

And make Adam weaker. Seriously.

That's all for now, but I'll check out your second chapter later.

From a brony just like you,

twow443, TWE's Knight in Training

Winter Storm
Winter Storm #20 · Oct 25th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: The wonderful wizard of ODD ·
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1505673 Well, I was just about to unleash the full power of the TWE on this fic.

Then I realized that I didn't give a fuck, and someone else did an excellent review.:twilightblush:

So author...

^ What that pony said.

-Winter Storm
TWE's Common Controversy Catcher.

i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1

twow443
twow443 #21 · Oct 25th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: The wonderful wizard of ODD ·
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1506108 I do appreciate it. I just was accepted as a reviewer for TWE so I'm glad I can do a nice review. Thanks:pinkiehappy:

Evil Homer
Evil Homer #22 · Oct 25th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: The wonderful wizard of ODD ·
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And yet another poorly written trollfic from the same author.

Here's a hint for you, nobody cares about your off the rack suit or self-insert fanfic.

Themaster3peep
Themaster3peep #23 · Oct 26th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: The wonderful wizard of ODD ·
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creaks knockles-time to read and see whats this all about:rainbowdetermined2:


EDIT:to be honest its kinda good good grammer good inpluts but bad story line i havent read the first one so yea its alright~CF

Dubs Rewatcher
Dubs Rewatcher #24 · Oct 26th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: The wonderful wizard of ODD ·
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>listening to a Kerbal Space Program let's play
>sees open FIMFiction tab has two notifications
>checks it
>finds this
>"Oh boy. I wonder what kind of messed up clopfic this is..."
>that picture
i1065.photobucket.com/albums/u400/DubsRewatcher/tumblr_m0jwhuQdzd1r1mlm2.gif

KillerSteel
KillerSteel #25 · Oct 26th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: The wonderful wizard of ODD ·
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*Steel strolls into his shack, grimacing. He still hadn't put in those windows, his shadow stretching out in front of him from the door way.*

Oyyy...ok, what's on my to-do list again? It wassss...go to work...shop for some furniture to replace my old couch...get some writing supplies...aaaand check the computer, I guess.

*He scratches his chin, looking over at the bright ICT monitor on his desk. Only one in Equestria...Twilight was still working on figuring the whole thing out, but she was getting pretty far with the motherboard. Long as she didn't short it out, everything was good, right? Kinda makes you wish for a degree in electronics though...*

You'd think a shop for sofas and quills would have more sofas in stock. Ahhhh well...let's check the computer. Brainstorming takes a while anyway...

*He walks over to the desk, dropping a small bag of bits down onto the desk, and he pulls out his chair. Sitting down, he stares at the screen, checking notification after notification, before settling on a story.*

...Oh, this title sets off SO many red lights. 'Adam's return...Chrysalis' fetishes'.

You're kidding, right? Well, next up is the description...

*A quick scan across the description yields a simple raise of an eyebrow.*

Color's gone, no want to speak to anyone, love for Twilight...so yet another fanfiction sprouts up about our good librarian, eh? I don't even see what ponies like in her...sure, she's really smart, one heck of a teacher, but she's...I dunno, always buried in her books. She'll spare maybe five minutes for you, then go straight back to some book on advanced mathematics or something.

Can't even figure out half what she's talking about sometimes...

*Steel taps his chin, going back over the description.*

Adam, eh. Human name...alicorn...I sense a missing story here...eh, probably some random guy dropping into Equestria through some unexplainable means, then immediately befriending the Mane 6, then falling in love for one of em...still, why Twilight? Why's it always Twilight?

Why any of em? There IS a species barrier, after all. Maybe I just don't understand love. Rainbow's pretty abrasive, but she'd stick up for ya in a fight...never been around Fluttershy much, she always runs the other way if she gets even a whiff of me. Rarity...ohoho, Rarity...that accent always makes me laugh. Pinkie, working with her, so I deal with her enough to say I wouldn't fall for a lady like that. I don't think someone, even with elephant's lungs, could talk that much.

Then Twilight. Bookish, asocial, and a brainiac. Far smarter than I'll ever be. I just feel outclassed there.

Lyra and Bon...hmm. Should talk to them more...

...Wasn't I doing something? Oh, right, the fiction. Well, better write up a comment...lessee...

Hello! I'm going to start off blunt here:

Your title, cover image and description set off so many warning lights, it makes my head look like Chernobyl as it was about to go off. This kind of fic is about one of the hardest in the fandom to pull off, and will always receive hatred, no matter how good it is. We'll start with the title.

Adam's return: Chrysalis's fetishes

...I'll just fix it up here.

Adam's Return, Chrysalis' Fetishes

That's only fixing up the wording itself. My problem lies with what the title implies.

First off, we've no idea who Adam is, unless there was some kind of prequel to this. Second, and I know some of the fandom consider 'love' includes 'lust', and that Changelings can feed off of it, I can't see Chrysalis as some kind of dominatrix, or sexually-obsessed fuckfiend. Just seems like it'd defecate all over the image I have for her.


Next up, we have the cover image.

I commend you for not using the black-and-red typical color scheme, but I do chastise you for choosing to use an alicorn. This problem lies in what the plot becomes.

A good story has conflict, and a hero that can't always come out on top. Every character has flaws, quirks, advantages and disadvantages. This makes them relateable, enjoyable, lovable. A hero that doesn't always win is someone you can relate to, since you can't always come out on top in life.

You win some, you lose some, right? That's where the alicorn bit comes in. Celestia and Luna are Gods, simply from their age, knowledge and racial features. Would we enjoy following Celestia and Luna during their daily lives, or do we like following Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack and Pinkie? The choice is obvious.

It's obvious because these six characters have personalities that feel human and real. They're just like someone you'd meet on the street one day, right? And that's what makes them great, it feels like you may actually run into someone like them one day.

Alicorns aren't a correct choice to make an OC with because, no matter what you do with them, they always maintain that advantage of having both magic and the ability to fly. I've been thinking of making a story about an alicorn who's never had the capabilities of one, shifting between using magic and being able to fly randomly. This is a problem, since they're still an alicorn. Experimentation and all that, I'm going off on a tangent.

You should only ever make an alicorn OC if you need one. And the situations where you need an alicorn are rare, very very rare. You shouldn't ever need to use an alicorn unless the world was coming to an end, and even then, you've already got Celestia and Luna. If you make a story about a pony who can't succeed in absolutely everything, and build a plot around that, you'll have the foundation for a proper story.

The description...I dunno. It actually pushes me away a bit. Maybe I don't know the character, but it doesn't seem gripping. Can't think up a replacement for it, but I can tell you what a description should be.

A description is an appetizer; something that gives you a taste of what's gonna happen in the story, but it doesn't offer any hint as to the plot, or main course in this situation. It takes the reader into your world for a little bit, and wets their appetite for what the story can grant. If your description isn't good, people aren't going to want what comes after.

I come back to 'Adam'. Either take the horn, or take the wings, or take both. Put to use each of the three races' natural abilities. Pegasi are fast, Unicorns are smart, and Earth Ponies are the strongest beings on the planet, short of natural predators like Hydras. Pick one and stick with it, and throw them through every situation you can think of. The fact that they can lose makes a story exciting.

A likeable character, a character who's dialogue causes readers to lean in and read it closely, someone that's become close to the reader or become hated by them. That character in a situation where they're going to lose is tense. If that character is about to die, it's soul-crushing. If that character passes on, it feels like the reader just lost a piece of themselves.

What would happen if Rainbow Dash suddenly up and left for something else? We'd all miss her, we'd want her back. That loveable ego and overconfidence. The reason as to why she left. What if she NEVER comes back?

It's worrying. A character that can't win at everything, suddenly disappearing, is worrying.


But now I've rambled. Bottom line:

An alicorn is a horrible choice for an OC because they have the ability to come out on top at everything short of socializing, and even then, they have magic to back them up. Every fight becomes easy, every conflict becomes predictable and simple, and everyone just sighs and shakes their head when the main character wins, AGAIN. Some readers may even wish for the main character to drop dead!

Am I going to read this story? Maybe, but it's close to a no. Another reviewer has already done the analysis for me, I just came in with my set of tips...whatever tips you can dig up from that anyway. Good day, Sir Author. Maybe you'll learn something from all this.

I sure hope you do.

~KillerSteel, TWE's Logic Machine and Master of Words.

That should do it...

*Steel leans back, stretching. He gives another once over to his comment before clicking the Add Comment button.*

Right...what was I doing today...?

*He looks around at the blank walls of his small two-room shack, quirking his mouth up.*

How do I keep putting those stupid windows off?

Kwisatz-Haderach
Kwisatz-Haderach #26 · Oct 26th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: The wonderful wizard of ODD ·
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I'm amazed sometimes by the literary shit mankind is capable of flingin' up.


1507878
Kerbal Space Program and their LPs for the win. :pinkiehappy:

Inspectah Dash
Inspectah Dash #27 · Oct 26th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: The wonderful wizard of ODD ·
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I love when the author tells us their writing is bad. They make it almost too easy.

asylum1388
asylum1388 #28 · Oct 26th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: The wonderful wizard of ODD ·
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1505486
Was there actually any English in that sentence?

realracer
realracer #30 · Nov 1st, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: The wonderful wizard of ODD ·
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OK, seriously now, I'm tired of all these comments. Time to dedicate myself!

realracer
realracer #31 · Nov 1st, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: The wonderful wizard of ODD ·
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1544015
Seriously though, time to iron out some serious plot line, give some detail, try to put the train back upon its tracks!

realracer
realracer #32 · Nov 1st, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: The wonderful wizard of ODD ·
Reply

1544015
Seriously though, time to iron out some serious plot line, give some detail, try to put the train back upon its tracks!
1508725
Oh and thanks, I'll try my best to repair this, hold on...

realracer
realracer #33 · Nov 4th, 2012 · · · Chapter 3: Fear of the dark ·
Reply

Adam (Human) : "Are you sure I can tell them? It could ruin the story."
Adam (Pony) : "At some point, you're going to have to tell them this at least." *He taps his horn lightly*
Twilight: "Might I be so bold as to ask why you chose magic over the ability to fly or to be strong?" *She looks concerned, slightly highlighting her worries*
Adam (H) : "He chose magic because he wanted to become closer with you, miss Sparkle, those were his motives." *He glances at his pony counterpart*
Adam (P) : "True, but I ALSO chose magic because I can retain my knowledge whilst sacrificing all my strength, speed and agility. Nothing really major upon my part, assuming there are libraries full of books I can study on the subject of Equestrian magic."
Twilight : "Well yes, but we don't have many modification spells as such, they are normally rare to find, the one I put on Rarity to make her wings of gossamer and morning dew was hard enough to perform. However, I feel that we might not strike so lucky with other modification spells." *She looks at Adam's pony counterpart sympathetically*
Adam (H) : "Well, my amulets destroyed, so I'm now a normal human, I can die and take damage, but now that I am not wearing the amulet, it meas that any harm that comes of me shouldn't affect any of my selves." *He smiles*


???: Perhaps that's where I step in....

Pixels
Pixels #34 · Nov 10th, 2012 · · · Chapter 3: Fear of the dark ·
Reply

:rainbowlaugh:
I'm not even no no I'm no

NOPE NOPE no!
Nopety no!

Screw you all, I'm OUT!

BoloneyBrony
BoloneyBrony #36 · Nov 29th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1: Extracting the truth ·
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this sounds goofily fun. on to the next chapter.

Doukzor
Doukzor #37 · Oct 24th, 2015 · · · Chapter 3: Fear of the dark ·
Reply

I honestly think you should keep writing. Please! If you like to make stories, do with or without the 'help' of some of these haters! If they won't tell you what you did wrong, then let them be Balloon Boys!
I'll root ya on no matter what!

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