[Cancelled due too much negative comments and such]
Harp, a human Prince and Archmage, decides to move to Equestria, after his homeplanet, Lytron, is destroyed.
Something, that left him with a curse, making him nearly immortal.
He settles down in the peaceful town of Ponyville, after some well-known ponies were of to fight some sort of invasion in Canterlot.
A short while later, Harp gets invited to a PPP (Pinkie Pie Party). After the party, Twilight and the others ask him about himself, his race, and most importantly...... what he is doing in Equestria in the first Place.
And about his future plans....
========================================================================================
First attemp to write a fic.......and i choose to use the overused, clich���©dridden HiE type. X_X
But hey, at least you get a human that uses DA MAGIKS!
Well, i'll try to update it after finishing the chapters, but don't expect anything on a regular basis. Also, i'll try to have some comment polls included, whenever i feel like it. Also the tags don't point explicit to every chapter, just some of them.
Oh, and if someone could proofread this, i'd be happy, english is my second language ;)
"But hey, at least you get a human that uses DA MAGIKS! that left him with a curse, making him nearly immortal. "
So a Gary Stu human? Sounds pleasant.
Not really, I'm being sarcastic.
I don't have the time to review this, someone will be along shortly to give you proper advice, I suggest you follow it and may you can still save this "thing"
Absolutely riveting. I was on the edge of my seat the entire time, this should be featured immediately. My watch button is broken and knighty won't fix it for me but if it wasn't I'd be following you right now.
1488788
Oh, how I've been looking forward to this...
Ahem.
i.qkme.me/3oy0wa.jpg
Ahhh. Satisfying.
how is immortality a curae, i mean besides the whole "watch the world crumble" thing, it can't be considered a curse the second u get it.
1488870 You DO know thats my first fic? So yeah, i know its bad, but maybe it can continue to get better.
1488788 Well thank you, I'll try to not dissapoint you, but i don't make any promises
1488709 Thanks, whatever helps me to improve is appreciated.
1488788
That sarcasm made me laugh way more than sarcasm should.
Now i feel kinda sad
BUUUT i continue anyway.......at least to 4 or 5 chapters....
1489068
Looks like that sarcasm went WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY over your head.
1489068 I'll do you a favor and warn you ahead of time, DO NOT try to use 'this is my first story' as an excuse, if anything, it makes you look worse and people feel even less sympathy for you.
Just a word of advice
~TCA, TWE's resident PTSD patient
1.bp.blogspot.com/-gp1JJVtPF-s/T_cZBvokXjI/AAAAAAAAAJM/xBQ_H3cdUpU/s320/IFS.png
I love HIEs, let's begin!
i.imgur.com/5sCnB.jpg
Completely unecassary in every way.
Please, get a proofreader. You seem to have a problem with punctuation. Pony is always spelled 'pony', not 'pone'.
*deep breath*
THE ROYAL CAPTERLOCK VOICE IS NOT TO BE ABUSED! THIS NORMALLY MEANS ITS LOUD ENOUGH TO KILL YOUNG CHILDREN!
*ahem*
NobodyPro, TWE's resident octopus
Oh god pinkie you sure know how to hurt peoples ears
but anyway seems interesting... ima favorite this
(edited)
This...
I...
review time.
*puts on hat that says: "Official TWE Nitpicker"*
*ahem*
First off,
thesilentroom.com/img/headdesk.gif
It does NOT matter if this is your first story. THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE. Horribly overused story idea is nastily overused.
But hey, magic makes it all better, right?
heh heh.
WRONG.
Grammatical and spelling errors are everywhere in the first section. Did you even look this over before submitting it?
transported
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6fi3hhKYa1r45k02o1_500.gif
Spacing between 'nice.' and 'well'
"Well, I guess I stay here." Is this guy Russian? I would see no other reason for this sort of sentence structure.
"Oh, I suddenly understand ponies because I know they speak a different language even though I didn't actually cast any spells but supposedly I did. Let's be convenient."
THEN he casts a spell.
Sage Probo
wat r u doin
Sage Probo
stahp
srsly bro? I mean, srsly? Are you trying to write a story, or are you just writing a trollfic?
I'm going to gut a section out of the story, revise it, and show you how it can be better.
Color code:
Red - Spelling error.
Blue - Grammatical error.
Green - Revision suggestion.
Purple - Replacement suggestion.
Orange - Reviewer's notes.
Hm. Gets mysteriously better after the first break.
Peculiar, but not argued against.
A TON better, might I add.
I suddenly like where this is going as far as writing potential, but I don't like the story in and of itself and its storyline. Sure, a human Mage is slightly original and not-so-overdone, but HiE with mysterious arrival and meeting any member of the Mane 6 first is overdone. If you perhaps explained why he is a wizard or how he got there, I might upvote this. Just get an editor, revise a few things, change things here and there, then it'll all be good.
Always capitalize 'I.' Never start a sentence with 'and.'
Not a bad idea, but you ought to edit that first part. It paled in comparison to the rest of the story.
Note: IF you're doing a HiE fic, ALWAYS, and I do mean ALWAYS, include a prologue that explains why the human showed up in the first place. The ONLY exception is when that gets revealed later in the story.
Last thing.
CANTERLOCK SYMBOLIZES CONSTANT SCREAMING! I AM FAIRLY CERTAIN THIS IS NOT WHAT PINKIE PIE INTENDED TO DO! YOU OUGHT TO JUST BOLD IT OR USE EXCLAMATION POINTS TO SIGNAL THAT IT IS SIMPLY BEING STATED LOUDLY OR EXCITEDLY! IT IS QUITE ANNOYING TO HAVE TO READ ALL CAPS, SO YOU REALLY OUGHT TO EDIT THAT OUT OR FIX IT!
Sorry to be so angry. HiE fics, especially any that include any sort of idea of a Gary Stu, really set me off. If any of this offended you, let me know and I'll change it. Again, sorry.
This review was the product of many anger-inducing stories, sugar, a bike ride and lurking on other pony-themed sites.
That is all.
/HyperRandomness, Official TWE Nitpicker and general judgement maker.
In terms of grammar and spelling, it isn't the worst I've ever seen. But there are some definite problems, such as capitalization, style, and tense. Please, find an editor. Try Ponychan's /fic/ board. Hell, I'd be willing to do it!
As for the story...
As you've said yourself, it is very unoriginal. You've got a Gary Stu human somehow coming to Equestria. Meh
Your pacing is very fast. He gets there, and he's just happy about it? No struggle, no nothing?
jesus christ
not even humans are safe
The second scene was much better than the first, although that's not saying much. If you're not going to give us Harp's (I think that was his name) thoughts and/or feelings, give us Pinkie's!
You have a very strange way of giving description. I can definitely tell this is your first story, because I used to give them the same way. Mix them into the story! Don't give throw them at us.
A wizard comes to Equestria. While not completely original, that has some potential. You just need to do it right.
-Dubs Rewatcher, TWE Reviewer
1489068 Never, and I truly mean NEVER, say that a certain fiction is your first, unless you WANT people to go hard on you.
It's simply easier to get away with doing such. Also, I'd like to be a volunteer prereader/editor.
TWE's Scribblestick here to figure out what all the downthumbs are about.
Well, HiE is the most obvious candidate, but you knew that going in. What makes this HiE different from all the others? Sure, he's some kind of magician-type-thing who can jump dimensions, so that's something, but let's go a little deeper. What's his personality? Where did he come from? What is he doing? What are his strengths, both in ability and character? What are his weaknesses? The fact that he's a mage-sorcerer-spellcaster could give you an interesting twist, but so far, we know nothing about him except that he's a dimension-jumping magic user person. We barely spend any time with him before you jump to the Ponyville Weather Report, and then he just gets yelled at by Pinkie. A little more insight into mage dude's character would be incredibly helpful - and actually set this apart from a lot of HiE fics.
Also, we really need a little more backstory on this guy. Otherwise, lines like this:
just come off as yet another unnatural reaction to add to the HiE morass. I guess the idea is that he's jumped to countless dimensions and seen stranger things, so mentioning this would give this statement an explanation and context.
This one is a little harder to pass off. I just find it hard to believe that a strange, tall, bipedal creature can materialize in the middle of a busy town and not get noticed by anyone (well, except Pinkie).
So this whole thing was told from Dash's perspective, I think. I mean, that's where we've been for the last few paragraphs. Did you change perspective again? I didn't notice, and honestly, doing that three times in 1,200 words is probably too much.
I think you missed a 'NEW' in there somewhere.
Also, a 'HAVE.'
As I scream in your face at the top of my lungs. That's what ALL CAPS means, anyway, and it's probably too strong for what you want here.
Honestly, I think you should just stick to mage dude's perspective for this whole chapter. It'll give us a chance to get to know him, which is vital if you expect us to care about him later.
Also, I found all these typos and spelling errors.
And that's it. Hope this helps!
~Scribblestick, TWE moderator
Okay, since it need to be said apparently.
Just because a lot of new writers make their first story either an HiE or about an Alicorn, does NOT mean you should do it!!
Look at good fanfic writers on the site, they aren't hard to find, and check what their first story was; Chances are it was not one of those 2.
I strongly suggest you start with a one-shot, preferably with existing characters (no OC). This gives people a chance to check your style, give you suggestions, and help you learn how to write properly, before you try something with multiple chapters.
And "first fic" is NEVER an excuse! There are plenty of really good "first fic"s out there.
1489207>>1489220>>1489259
Oh, well. I guess some agreement that makes me seem like a sycophant will have to do. Excellent reviews guys, I totally agree.
Well, I was going to do some dissection of this utter piece of crap, but you three have done such a good job, you left me with nothing to do to it... Fudge.
Ugh, I think I just felt my self-image kill itself. Sycophantry is not for me...
1489228
There's no problem with saying something is your first. There is a problem with using that as an excuse for bad writing.
Oh joy, a Wild Gary Stu appears in Equestria. Gee, haven't seen this type of fic in the past 10 minutes.
Well I see ScribleStick and HyperRandomness have already given you the necessary reviews so you should heed their advice and do what they say.
And just as a parting word:
trollsource.com/files/7.jpg
1489498 Exactly what I was trying to say.
Ok, really people? Just because something isn't stellar is or cliche/overused is no reason to scream about it.
1489459
Piffle. Let people write what they will. Cliche/overdone does not necessarily mean bad, even if a lot examples might suggest otherwise. A well written story is what we should be encouraging.
You don't need to excuse anything. The first story is precisely where the critics should go, so that people understand why their writing is bad and/or what they should to improve it. Otherwise we just end up with a site clogged by tons of iffy first stories. If it is so bad you don't want to post it, don't post it.
Anyway, I'd strongly suggest writing some more back story. We need to know some things, like: where he's from, why he came to Equestria of all places (even if accidental destination, etc), how his magic works, etc. There's not enough detail for us to sympathize with him anyway and it's not clear why what sounds like an mmo character is suddenly in Equestria. Why did he leave, what are the effects of the spell he used? What about it was so bad he would roast someone on a fire for it? Does thinking that make a him a horrible person? Also, if he's such a powerful archmage shouldn't he be able to disguise himself as a pony -- even it's a very bad disguise, which might lead the ponies to think he might be a changeling? Why is he not shocked and wouldn't he be concerned about being abnormal or out of place? Is there really any place he could stay? Is he depressed over what he's lost?
** There are capitalization rules of a sort for I. When it's on it's own or the beginning of a sentence then it should be 'I', even with I'll (I will). I is only lowercase when it is part of another word.
1489068
>You DO know thats my first fic?
That, sir, is what we in the business (of being snarky, but honest bitches) call an 'excuse.'
The fact that you wrote it shows, ipso facto, you learned how to write. Learning to write entails that you be taught the many rules regarding the standards of written English. One of those rules is that the word "I," referring to the speaker, is a proper nouns, and, as such, is to be capitalized.
The fact that you submitted your story here implies that you've spent some degree of time hear, likely reading stories other members have submitted. That should have exposed you to many styles of writing, and the contrast should have helped you learn how to sculpt a proper plot, and avoid stepping into...whatever this mess is. It also gave you ample opportunity to read the comments, which - while many will praise the author no matter what drek they smear on the page - would usually have many helpful members offering up valuable criticisms and advice.
Not to mention, knowing that your lack of first-hand experience might hinder you should have immediately made you seek out someone to critique and edit your story before you published it, like someone who actually wants to make something worth reading would.
1489207
It does NOT matter if this is your first story. THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE.
Well, strictly speaking, it is an excuse. It's just not a justification. Just like "my dog ate it" is an excuse.
Also:
>Blue - Grammatical error.
>Red - Spelling error.
Bad punctuation is an orthographical error (Edit: So is missing capitalization. I fix my fix of your fix.), and botched spacing is typographical.
I fix your fix. Mwa ha ha.
Where is your nitpicking cap nao!?
1489609
Yes it is.
1489645
I don't know, but maybe in the same place you left yours?
I can understand trying to nitpick the nitpickers, but if you do please make sure your post doesn't have an obvious error in it.
Honestly, I believe you should have started with the destruction of Harp's homeland. At least introduce your character so that they feel like a character. There's really nothing wrong with HiE fictions and the premise is a pretty nice one, if a little unoriginal (my fic, case in point) but the execution is lacking. I'd suggest rewriting this chapter before continuing. Oh and all the little grammar and spelling things already mention.
Don't get discouraged!
files.myopera.com/minigamer1896/albums/576508/This%20is%20why%20we%20can't%20have%20nice%20things.jpg
1489063
Because of how we function. As you get older, your perception of time speeds up. Not an absurd amount, but it does steadily accelerate. Eventually, you would be left unable to interact with the world around you, because as far as you're concerned, a century would pass in seconds. Not to mention, the human brain has a finite capacity. It can and would fill up if you lived forever. And you can't just chuck unwanted files in the recycle bin in your thinkybox.
Then there's the fact that immortality doesn't necessarily entail eternal youth or mobility, or even eternal lucidity. Your body could still wither and die around you, or you could be locked into an exponentially worsening case of senile dementia, long past the end of the universe. And when the world or universe does end, or if some unfortunate event were to occur that should ordinarily end in your life, then you'd suffer without end in a state, location or lack thereof that is entirely unsuited for life and can't satisfy your needs. The agony of simultaneous starvation, dehydration, asphyxiation, irradiation, immolation and, should you have a breath in your chest when the pressure of the atmosphere finally gives way, ruptured lungs, would literally be more than your mind could handle all at once. If you receive to much sensory input at the same time, shit starts shutting down.
TL;DR You'd go mad within a few hundred years, tops.
1489699
...Fuck.
In my defense, a typo and a factual error are two entirely different matters.
Ooh ooh ooh ooh, a first fic excuse? God, I've been waiting so long to use this:
djotter.blossers.net/Degree500px.gif
Yeah, sorry, you were just the convenient target, but you can't utter words like that and expect to get away with it. As far as the story goes, there's nothing I can add that hasn't really been covered already, so I won't bother putting on my reviewers hat.
1489151 Fuckin' saved
1489835
I agree they are different, but it's still funny.
1489563 What I find interesting, is that the amount of them being written per week has increased since TWE was formed, despite the fact that it was made to PREVENT the influx of shitfics.
1489645
Huh.
I didn't think of it that way.
Nice point. I should fix that... eventually.
Oh, and my hat is upstairs.
1489993 Scary, 'aint it?
1489993
Somebody is fucking with us. Either that or it's the new school year and free, uncontrolled internet access for all the freshmen.
Seriously, it's one of the two.
1490027 No, Nicolas Cage with a taser and a plan is scary, this is just Disappointing.
1490031 First option; It's me with about 57 different profiles.
1489609
First, "Piffle"? Wtf is that? never in my life have I heard anyone use that "word".
"Let them write what they will."? Look, I was trying to send a message, to a new writer, that he should make sure to not fall into the traps of other new writers. You saying he should just write whatever he wants is really bad advice. A lot of readers hate seeing those stories, and for good reason, especially as a first story for an inexperienced writer. This is why I suggested some good starting points if he's serious. Cliche stories are HARD to make good. Know why? Because WE ALREADY KNOW THEM!
Hypothetical: You check out a new sci-fi movie, its in the future, a crew finds an alien ship, one of their number is attacked by a small alien and after being sick for a while eventually has a mini-alien burst out of his body, then it becomes large and kills off almost the entire crew until one female crew memebr stands up and manages to kill it by blowing up the ship as she escapes.
Now, what if the entire movie had bad effects, horrible dialog, and generally sucked in every way. Would you give the studio who made it a pass because they made what they wanted? Or would you call them out for their blatant rip-off of an existing idea and poor execution?
Writing works the same way.
In the end, a good writer knows what to publish and what not to. Should someone never write a cliche story? No. But there is a difference between writing it and publishing it. If the story is extremely cliche, it should be kept unpublished until it has been polished into something of quality and/or edited until it brings at least something new.
This is the internet, and it is unforgiving. Critics are here to help, not hurt. Let us do our thing, and the strong willed, who are willing to improve themselves, will benefit from our comments, not from yours. Now please stop coddling the newbies and let them take their criticism like adults!
P.S. 1489843 Love the image!
1490358
Made it myself. Take it, no charge!
1490373
It just reminded me a lot of an image I saved:
cupofzup.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/http-_www.happyplace.com_61-536x452.jpg
1489993
Correlation does not imply causation.
One could also argue that more badfics are being written as we draw near Election Day here in the US. Clearly, the Presidential race is exciting bad authors!
1490615I get excited (sexually) by many things; American (or any nationality's) politics is NOT one of them.
You'll always remember where you were when you read the worse HiE fic in existence.
1489815 wasn't that in a greek myth once?
1494170
*Shrugs*
No clue; I was more into Norse, m'self.
1489645
You say bitches?
LET ME EXPLAIN.
Bitches are dogs. Dogs bark. Bark is from trees. Trees are from Nature. Nature is beautiful.
Therefore, WE ARE BEAUTIFUL.
1503601
You cut off halfway through.
Beauty is skin deep. Skin is on apples. Apples are made into juice. Juice is fermented into cider. Cider is booze.
Therefore, we are alcoholics.
damn
sorry 1489068 but i think you just got shot down. and i was enjoying this fic too.
Too many people these days hate on Gary stus as they call em. to be honest ive never understood what people mean when they say that.
and since your story just got branded as gary stu i think its probably going to die and im dissapionted at that. Also contary to what alot of people here seem to think, my first story IS an exsuse. when people just start writing possibly having never wrote a story before it means mistakes WILL be made. this includes grammar some spelling and the story itself, with things like its plot line, does it make sence and so on.
also im not intirely sure, but are people in the comments trying to add logic to a world of ponies that use magic and are ruled by 2 imortal alicorn princess that raise the celestial bodys? seriously even if you add laws to the magic that runs in the show all the laws are gonna fail on 1 simple fact.
its not real. because of this it doesnt have to make sence and it doesnt have to follow any laws.exspecialy considering that very few if any, factors in magic are exsplained in the show.
but never mind im ranting on now.
Sincerely, a dissapionted Shadowless_Night
1509685
Oh boy, you just pissed me off.
1) "It's my first story" is not an excuse. Even if you have never written something before, you should have a good grasp of the language you're writing in, and if you give half a fuck about your story being good you will, prior to writing, look at what other guys are doing. Be it looking for a writing guide, reading all the featured stories, or whatever, you should do a little bit of research beforehand to see what you can do right and what you can do wrong. Every author who writes some shit about a Gary Stu in Equestria has failed to do this research, to find out that people hate boring, unflawed characters, and hasn't done shit to address the issue. Will mistakes be made? Yes. Will it be a perfect story? No. But putting some sort of effort into writing the story is expected, and "it's my first story" is not an excuse for a lack of effort on the author's part.
2) My fucking pet peeve. There is a difference between realism and logic. I actually just got into this argument a few days ago; the person I was talking to assumed that by 'logic' I also meant realism. Realism can be thrown out the window and left to starve to death; nobody cares about realism. What you need is logic in a story. As long as you define rules for your universe to operate under and follow those rules, you're being perfectly logical. My Little Pony is not, by any means, realistic, but that is no reason to abandon logic and just do whatever the fuck you want.