Youve got mail (Derpy Story)

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This is the story of the way mail is delivered in Ponyville
The mail is delivered everyday by Derpy Hooves.
Today is different from most days, In that Derpy missed mail delivery and made muffins for everypony.
Today Derpy also meets a traveling scholar in search of a tome in Twilight's library.

This story takes place on the day described above.
I would love feedback, So if you see something wrong, Or the flow seems off please tell me.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 5 )

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Deep Pond

Deep Pond #1 · Oct 29th, 2012 · · ·

Hi-ho, Deep Pond of the Train Wreck Explorers here! I have a snazzy hat and everything. I've got a few simple ideas on how you can improve your fic.

i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll29/Lord_Talisman/mlfw5283-Fluffle_letsdothis_zps81d6c5cb.jpg

New speaker, new paragraph. Always. No exceptions.

Always capitalize proper names, the first word of every sentence, and the word "I" when referring to the speaker.

Punctuation is important. A sentence should end with a period, unless it's a question (then use a question mark) or the speaker is very excited (exclamation point). In rare instances when the speaker is both, use both (properly called an interrobang). When writing dialogue, if the end of the dialogue is not the end of the sentence, replace the period with a comma.

I've noticed that you have a bad habit of ending a character's dialogue with a period, then capitalizing the next word, even though it's not a new sentence. Example:

“I should give everyone a muffin with their mail today.” Said Derpy.

should look like this

“I should give everyone a muffin with their mail today,” said Derpy.

Thoughts are usually indicated with italics. Italics are also used to add emphasis, and work much better than ROYAL CANTERLOCK VOICE (that should only ever be used if the character is literally screaming at the top of their lungs). Also, I notice that Derpy seems to talk to herself a lot. In my opinion a lot of this could be turned into thoughts instead of actual, audible dialogue, and it would read a lot better.

“Hello my name is Luke Randall, I'm a traveling scholar . . .

Stop. No. Bad. Do not put yourself in the story. This is a common mistake of beginning authors, and not something you should feel bad about, but it is a mistake. An author-insert character is incredibly hard to do well, usually turning into a dreaded Mary Sue.

I notice an awful lot of Derpy telling me stuff that could simply be described in the narrative. It's not necessarily a bad thing - it gives Derpy's dialogue a very immediate, stream-of-consciousness feel - but it's rather clumsily handled. As an example, consider how Pinkie Pie rambles from subject to subject in the show: it's sort of random, but sounds like something somepony would actually say. Derpy's dialogue seems rather stilted - try saying her lines out loud to see if they sound right as dialogue. Often, what looks fine on paper sounds silly when spoken aloud.

Good luck, and keep writing!

i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
Deep Pond, TWE's knight-errant

ronofarr

ronofarr #2 · Oct 30th, 2012 · · ·

Hey, everything I told you this guy is repeating. I hope this tells you something.

Scribblestick

Scribblestick #3 · Oct 30th, 2012 · · ·

TWE's Scribblestick here. While this may not have the kind of raging downvote swarm I usually investigate, I thought I'd drop by and see what we have here.

So the thing that bugs me most is that nothing really happens in this story. The only suspenseful moment was when Derpy couldn't find her cart, and that was resolved in a matter of seconds. Chasing down the mail wagon could have been interesting if it wasn't a daily occurance, The scientist-looking-for-Twi plot never went anywhere, and everything else just seemed like an average, mundane day in the life of Derpy Hooves. Props for a realistic day, but it's not really that interesting.

“I really need to see colgate about a new toothbrush.” Commented Derpy

Colgate is a name and should be capitalized. When you follow a quote with attribution, the quote ends in a comma instead of a period, and whatever follows does NOT constitute a new sentence. In other words, 'commented' should not be capitalized.

Capitalize the word I.

my name is Luke Randall

>Luke Randall
>Human name
>Matches username

Nope, your name is Self-Insert. As has been noted, inserting yourself in a story is incrediby hard to do.

The pony seemed to realize he was being rude

He's introducing himself and Derpy is completely ignoring him. Who's the rude one again?

“Thanks Derpy please try not to be late with the mail again”

Wow, Twilight seems really angry. Oh, wait, no she doesn't. You only said she'd be angry.

This brings me to a key writing principle: show vs. tell. You can tell me all you want about a character, but I won't believe you until you show me. Derpy was worried Twilight would be mad, and she had a decent reason to be afraid. If you're going to make Twilight angry, make her angry. Don't tell me she's angry and then have her ask nicely without a hint of frustration.

That's it from me. Hope this helps, and good luck!