Port 2
“I don’t see how going on that show was even a good idea!” cried Rainbow Dash.
“Well I absolutely adore that show,” Rarity drawled. “The way they scrutinize the lowlifes of Equestria is absolutely fabulous. And that Jerry Kyle has a way about him…”
“I’m so nervous… I don’t know how to raise a child…”
“Oh my, why didn’t you say so dear?” Rarity pulled a coat hanger out with her magic and promptly hung up her stained lingerie. “What you need is an electric egg whisk and a vacuum. You can make the most delicious lemon drizzle cake with those used properly. That should help take your mind off things, darling.”
“Thanks… I guess…”
Rainbow Dash was slumped in the middle of the Carousel Boutique, crying softly to herself. Her mind was swimming with all of the choices she had to make, but just then she was hit with a searing pain in her abdomen.
“Oh no! Ah, ah, AAAAAAAAAAHHHH! I think that the baby’s coming!”
“Oh sweet heavens!” Rarity shrieked. “I’ll get you straight to the hospital, right after I’ve sorted some important things out.”
Rarity quickly nipped into her bathroom and began applying some mascara before forcing herself to vomit down the toilet. She then set up her webcam for a few casual chats with local stallions. Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash’s water had broken and she was desperately trying to mop it up with a sponge, terrified that Rarity would beat her for making a mess, just like she had when she’d had a nosebleed on her silk fabric.
It was around four and a half hours before Twilight showed up coincidentally and rushed Rainbow Dash to hospital, leaving Rarity to finish her performance for her fumblr followers.
“What is taking so long?”
Twilight paced up and down the hospital hallway while Fluttershy was feeding Pinkie Pie several litres of max strength laxative.
“You poor thing, you’ve swallowed so many keys. Why do you do it Pinkie?”
“I don’t know, I guess I’m locked into a vicious cycle! Get it?! Because of locks and keys! Tee hee!”
Fluttershy promptly clobbered her friend’s eye socket, blood now gushing from her eye.
“Oh dear, I’m sorry. It’s just that I know you’d want me to stop you if you started telling bad jokes.”
“You know it!”
“We all need to focus!” Twilight cried. “Rainbow Dash is having a baby in there and it’s imperative that we make her feel wanted by her friends. Also, I read in a book once that most mares who give birth also defecate and urinate unwillingly on the operating table, so I’ll need to take a photo, document this phenomenon and post the picture on the front page of the Ponyville news!”
As Twilight polished her camera, Pinkie polished her bruise and Fluttershy polished herself off, the doctor came from the opposite room with a stern look on his face.
“Is everything OK?” Twilight asked. “Am I too late for the pictures?”
“That’s fine, that’s fine. I’ve already taken some for you to send to the newspaper team. The problem we have is with the baby!”
“Oh no!” Twilight shrieked. “Is it unhealthy?”
“Unhealthy?” the doctor scoffed. “It’s flying round the bloody hospital setting fire to everything!”
Just as he said that, they saw a small red imp-like creature burst through the door holding a trident. It blew a fireball at a nearby plant pot, and the plant was incinerated almost instantly. The imp flew back through the door, the sound of screaming emanating from the room.
“That’s Rainbow Dash’s baby?” Twilight asked in surprise.
“Yes, and the bloody thing is getting on everypony’s nerves! We’ve evacuated all of the nurses from the ward and we need to kill the blighter!” The doctor raised a shotgun menacingly.
“OK gang, let’s get in there and kill that baby!” Twilight said confidently. All four of them barged through the doors to find Rainbow Dash in bed with her forelegs wrapped around the imp with tears in her eyes.
“I WON’T LET YOU DO IT!” she cried. “I know he’s a freak, but he’s still my son! I promise to love him like a mother should, and I’m not going to let you kill it!”
The doctor sighed and slung his shotgun under the bed. “I guess we can’t say no to that, can we? Bloody mother’s rights…”
Pinkie Pie leapt up on top of Rainbow Dash’s head and began cooing at the baby. “Aw, he’s not so bad! I think he’s pretty cute!”
Rainbow Dash looked up at her friend with newfound joy and respect. “Thanks Pinkie. Thank you so much.”
“Oh no!” Pinkie screamed and began to vibrate like a motor engine. “It’s coming!”
“What’s co- AUGH!”
Pinkie’s rear end practically exploded with shit, brown gloop studded with keys covering Rainbow Dash from head to hoof, some of it in her eyes, ears and mouth.
“Oopsie! Sorry Rainbow, I needed to go poopy! La, la, la, la!”
“Why that’s PERFECT!” said an astounded Twilight, reaching for her camera. “Just hold that pose… Dearest Celestia, these will look great in tomorrow’s news!”
“Welcome to your very first, Pinkie Pie copyrighted, ‘Just had a baby’ party!”
Pinkie pulled on a cord that dropped from the ceiling, streamers and fireworks being set off in the middle of Sugarcube Corner. There was an enormous cream cake, a punch bowl, a jelly in the shape of a cactus and a banner that read, ‘Congratulations! It’s a freakish devil thingy!’ Rarity and Applejack were already drunk to a punch from the punch that they’d drunk, Twilight sat in the corner reading Fifty Shades of Hay while Fluttershy was violently stomping her hooves down on a now dead mouse in an attempt to stop it from choking on a shard of glass she’d accidentally fed it.
“Thanks everypony… but I’m really not feeling so good…” Rainbow Dash moaned. “You didn’t even give me a chance… to recover… you just cleaned me with a fire hose and got me to… pull you back here in a chariot with square wheels… It took all night… I haven’t slept…”
“Oopsie! Sorry Rainbow Dash, that won’t happen again. The one with triangle wheels is so much more fun!” Pinkie sang to herself as she made her way over to pick Rarity up, who was now so drunk she was trying to chat up a protractor.
“Oh Rarity, you get so drunk! You’re so funny!”
“Just a sec,” Twilight called from above her book, sweat dripping furiously from her forehead. “Just get Spike to look after her or something. Spi-”
Before she could even finish his name, Spike appeared as if by magic and sauntered over to where Rarity was. “Hold your horses, ponies. I’ve got this.” He began to drag Rarity out the front door by her tail, whistling cheerily as he pulled her away from Sugarcube Corner, away from the Carousel Boutique… far away… someplace safe…
Rainbow Dash looked at the now sleeping imp between her forelegs, his claws holding onto the trident as if it were a teddy bear. “I love you, son,” she whispered, and gently kissed his forehead. “I think I’ll name you… Diablo.”
CLICK
CLICK
CLICK
CLICK
CLICK
The baby instantly sprang from Rainbow Dash’s hooves and began flying in circles above them, spewing flames with each breath. Pinkie’s welcome banner was disintegrated within seconds. The ceiling was lined with scorch marks. Thankfully reaching the climax of her book not a moment too soon, Twilight captured Diablo in a shield of purple aura.
“Rainbow Dash, your baby can’t stay here! He’s a menace to everypony!”
Diablo started crying, which in turn sent Rainbow Dash into tears. “I know he’s a little different, but I’ll take care of him. It’s what any good pony would do.”
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Diablo means Devil
Oh and what the fuck did I just read
this is Random to the extream 
Wait... How do you make lemon drizzle cake with a vacuum?
1469353
I didn't really want to spell that joke out in its entirety... but if you read what Rarity does and what she says, i.e. coat hanger/electric egg whisk/vacuum... Just think of things they could be used for in Dash's situation of not being sure if she wants to be a mother and guess why I switched the direction of the conversation.
1469371 Ooooohhh....
Wait... How did Rarity stain her lingerie at a televised public event?
1469406 It was the Jerry Springer Show... that should explain everything lol
Thank you all so much for your wonderful comments.
The third and final part to this epic tale will be out in a day or two. After that, I should be starting on my next fanfic. Don't forget to spread the word! The more support I have the more motivated I am to publish more stuff! 
The delicious insanity of it all
They're all OOC and they act like no pony else is there at times and how could Dash not know that she's pregnant until the nineth month. It just doesn't sit right with me and I hat criticism, but I just can't handle this.
5711030
You want the CrackFic? You can't handle the CrackFic!!
This is one of the more enjoyable CrackFics I have read. A big plus goes to it for actually running spell check prior to publishing, unlike some others . . . Which I won't name . . . Mainly because I can't remember their titles . . . But I will remember this one . . . Fore sure. . . Honest?