Rainbow Dash is pregnant? You bet your flank she is!
Everypony knows that Rainbow Dash is the most carefree pony around, so what happens when she discovers that she's pregnant? Will the fastest flier in Cloudsdale ever be the same again? Just who is the father? Will anypony see the funny side?
Rainbow Dash was led on a cloud fast asleep, dreaming of flying alongside the Wonderbolts. Soarin’ was spinning through clouds and Spitfire was karate chopping a group of seagulls as they passed them.
She woke up and stretched. She felt a little woozy, but then eight cans of cider will do that to a girl. She stood up, and felt that she was somehow heavier than she was used to. ‘No matter,’ she thought, ‘If I start getting fat I’ll just do that purging thing that Rarity showed me.’
She leapt from the cloud and immediately began to feel a strange sensation in her stomach. It almost as if something was kicking it. She dropped to the ground as fast as she could, clutching her belly. ‘What do I do now?’ she thought. ‘I know! Pinkie Pie might be able to help!’
She swooped down into Sugarcube Corner where all of her friends were, eating vast mounds of cupcakes. Pinkie was egging them on.
“This is my new recipe! Eat up as much as you want! In fact, you can NEVER EVER leave until all of the evidence… I mean cupcakes are gone!” Pinkie shouted, rushing to the front door with an enormous padlock.
“You know, ah haven’t seen that Lyra around for a while,” Applejack murmured as she munched on the pastel green icing of her cake.
“Rainbow Dash! You’re here too!” Pinkie exclaimed. “You can help us eat all of the cupcakes!” She slung the padlock around the door and swallowed the rusty 8 inch key.
“I would love to, but I have a really bad stomach ache…”
“Oh?” Twilight said, perking up. “How so?”
“I feel like my stomach is being hit by something, like it’s going to fly out of my mouth.”
“Oh I have stomach pains all the time,” Pinkie said, swallowing a keychain that unlocked the key to the key within the giant rusty ornamental key. “I just don’t know why.”
“Hmmm…” Twilight prodded Rainbow Dash’s nose with concern. “Hang on, this could be serious.” She brought out a stethoscope and placed it against Rainbow Dash’s back-right hoof.
“Oh dearest Celestia!” she gasped. “Rainbow Dash is pregnant!”
All of them screamed in surprise, especially Rainbow Dash. “What?! I can’t be pregnant!”
“Oh my goodness!” Fluttershy exclaimed. “I’m so proud of you Rainbow Dash. I knew that those horrible things everypony said about you weren’t true!”
“Fluttershy, you’re the one who started those rumours,” Twilight said, glaring.
“Now the question on mah lips sugarcube, is who is the father?” Applejack jumped in with.
“I don’t know!” screamed Rainbow Dash, her cheeks growing red.
“Spike? It wasn’t you was it?!” accused Twilight.
“Of course not! There are only five ponies in this room that I’d sleep with and Rainbow Dash is NOT one of them!”
“I hope Rarity gets here soon,” said Sweetie Belle. “She’ll be so happy to hear the news!”
“You really don’t know who the father is?” Twilight asked.
“No… I really don’t…”
“Ooh! Maybe it’s like a mystery!” Pinkie shouted. “Was it Professor Plum? Was it Reverend Green? Oh, oh, I know! It was Professor Green!”
“Calm down everypony,” Twilight said. “This is a delicate matter and we need to deal with it carefully. Now Rainbow Dash, what was the last thing you remember about that party eight and a half months ago?”
“OK, I remember playing strip poker with Fluttershy. It got boring once we realised that we’re naked all the time anyway, so it would make no difference.”
“Didn’t I beat you? Oh, I’m so sorry,” Fluttershy called out.
“OK, next I remember Fluttershy daring me to set fire to a beehive.”
“Those bees looked awfully cold, shivering all over the place. They simply had to get warmer.”
“Then I remember Fluttershy daring me to break into the Ponyville sperm bank and eat as much as I could.”
“You’d drunk so much cider Rainbow Dash and I knew you needed something to stop a hangover. I hate to see my friends with a headache.”
“Then I remember Fluttershy with a hockey stick, and that was it.”
“I really wanted to re-enact The Mighty Bucks but you fell asleep, so I took you to a cloud to rest.”
Twilight furrowed her brow. “Hmm… I think I know what happened. In one of my books it says that 87% of pregnancies are caused by strip poker. I’m sorry Rainbow Dash, but I think the Jack of Diamonds may have taken advantage of you.”
“Ah’m not convinced,” said Applejack. “Ah think that’s too obvious, there has tah be some kind of other explanation. Ah’m off to find out if mah suspicions are correct. See ya!”
Applejack quickly left out of the back door.
“The back door!” Pinkie cried. “I totally forgot about it!” She readied another padlock and forced a bucket full of keys down her throat.
“Ah know it was you, so spill it!” Applejack shrieked.
“I have no idea what you’re…”
“Quit lyin’ tah me!” Applejack cracked the whip against Big Mac’s flank, his flesh splitting apart and blood splattering against the wall.
“I didn’t do it!”
“You just couldn’t control yourself, could yah? You just saw Rainbow Dash sleepin’ like a log and BOOM!”
“No, I swear I didn’t!”
“Maybe so. OK, I’ll believe you, for now…”
Applejack shuffled out of the room and slammed the door.
“Aren’t you gonna undo these?” Big Mac called as his bones buckled under the strain of the iron chains wrapped around his limbs.
“Ah’ll think about it later…”
“Welcome to the Jerry Kyle Show! Today we have Rainbow Dash. She’s pregnant and doesn’t even know who the father is! She’s utter scum, a waste of space, a piece of crap, a terrible excuse for a pony. But let’s let her have her say and not pre-judge her. We always want to have an open mind on this show. Let’s welcome Rainbow Dash!”
The audience clapped their hooves as Rainbow Dash came onto the stage and sat in one of the available seats.
“So Rainbow Dash, tell us why you’re here.”
“I was…”
“Well that’s not what I heard! According to what you told Graham before the show you used to drink at least six cans of cider every day and would often pass out on a nearby cloud!”
“Wait a minute…”
“I don’t want to put words in your mouth and I’m not going to say anything about your numerous run-ins with the law. Tell me, who are the possible fathers?”
“I don’t know!” Rainbow Dash squeaked.
“Well that’s funny because before the show you told Graham that you could think of at least six hundred and eighty three possible fathers! But let’s not dwell on what you said, who you slept with and how much of a complete disgrace you are. Let’s bring on your good friend Applejack.”
Applejack took the seat next to her as the audience cheered.
“So Applejack, what do you think about this situation? What are your thoughts?”
“Well ah think ah know who done did her, but he ain’t spillin’ the beans as of yet.”
Fifty miles away Big Mac lay hanging from a rope, desperately trying to cling on to his consciousness.
“Ah trust mah friend not to sleep with anypony she don’t know.”
“Well your friend Applejack just said that she thinks you’re a total slut. What do you have to say in your defence?”
“But I…”
“Yeah… A likely story. What I can offer you is a nice long session with Graham who’s going to talk you through your problems, and hopefully your child won’t grow up to be a prostitute or a drug dealer. And you’d better hold on to your friend here because she is an absolute diamond. Let’s give Rainbow Dash and Applejack a round of applause, folks.”
The audience clapped as the two mares were escorted offstage by two hefty looking security guards.
“Next we have a colt who sawed off his little sister’s legs, locked her in a wooden chest, threw it into the ocean and blew her up with limpet mines. We’ll be telling you why she got what she deserved, NEXT!”
“I don’t see how going on that show was even a good idea!” cried Rainbow Dash.
“Well I absolutely adore that show,” Rarity drawled. “The way they scrutinize the lowlifes of Equestria is absolutely fabulous. And that Jerry Kyle has a way about him…”
“I’m so nervous… I don’t know how to raise a child…”
“Oh my, why didn’t you say so dear?” Rarity pulled a coat hanger out with her magic and promptly hung up her stained lingerie. “What you need is an electric egg whisk and a vacuum. You can make the most delicious lemon drizzle cake with those used properly. That should help take your mind off things, darling.”
“Thanks… I guess…”
Rainbow Dash was slumped in the middle of the Carousel Boutique, crying softly to herself. Her mind was swimming with all of the choices she had to make, but just then she was hit with a searing pain in her abdomen.
“Oh no! Ah, ah, AAAAAAAAAAHHHH! I think that the baby’s coming!”
“Oh sweet heavens!” Rarity shrieked. “I’ll get you straight to the hospital, right after I’ve sorted some important things out.”
Rarity quickly nipped into her bathroom and began applying some mascara before forcing herself to vomit down the toilet. She then set up her webcam for a few casual chats with local stallions. Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash’s water had broken and she was desperately trying to mop it up with a sponge, terrified that Rarity would beat her for making a mess, just like she had when she’d had a nosebleed on her silk fabric.
It was around four and a half hours before Twilight showed up coincidentally and rushed Rainbow Dash to hospital, leaving Rarity to finish her performance for her fumblr followers.
“What is taking so long?”
Twilight paced up and down the hospital hallway while Fluttershy was feeding Pinkie Pie several litres of max strength laxative.
“You poor thing, you’ve swallowed so many keys. Why do you do it Pinkie?”
“I don’t know, I guess I’m locked into a vicious cycle! Get it?! Because of locks and keys! Tee hee!”
Fluttershy promptly clobbered her friend’s eye socket, blood now gushing from her eye.
“Oh dear, I’m sorry. It’s just that I know you’d want me to stop you if you started telling bad jokes.”
“You know it!”
“We all need to focus!” Twilight cried. “Rainbow Dash is having a baby in there and it’s imperative that we make her feel wanted by her friends. Also, I read in a book once that most mares who give birth also defecate and urinate unwillingly on the operating table, so I’ll need to take a photo, document this phenomenon and post the picture on the front page of the Ponyville news!”
As Twilight polished her camera, Pinkie polished her bruise and Fluttershy polished herself off, the doctor came from the opposite room with a stern look on his face.
“Is everything OK?” Twilight asked. “Am I too late for the pictures?”
“That’s fine, that’s fine. I’ve already taken some for you to send to the newspaper team. The problem we have is with the baby!”
“Oh no!” Twilight shrieked. “Is it unhealthy?”
“Unhealthy?” the doctor scoffed. “It’s flying round the bloody hospital setting fire to everything!”
Just as he said that, they saw a small red imp-like creature burst through the door holding a trident. It blew a fireball at a nearby plant pot, and the plant was incinerated almost instantly. The imp flew back through the door, the sound of screaming emanating from the room.
“That’s Rainbow Dash’s baby?” Twilight asked in surprise.
“Yes, and the bloody thing is getting on everypony’s nerves! We’ve evacuated all of the nurses from the ward and we need to kill the blighter!” The doctor raised a shotgun menacingly.
“OK gang, let’s get in there and kill that baby!” Twilight said confidently. All four of them barged through the doors to find Rainbow Dash in bed with her forelegs wrapped around the imp with tears in her eyes.
“I WON’T LET YOU DO IT!” she cried. “I know he’s a freak, but he’s still my son! I promise to love him like a mother should, and I’m not going to let you kill it!”
The doctor sighed and slung his shotgun under the bed. “I guess we can’t say no to that, can we? Bloody mother’s rights…”
Pinkie Pie leapt up on top of Rainbow Dash’s head and began cooing at the baby. “Aw, he’s not so bad! I think he’s pretty cute!”
Rainbow Dash looked up at her friend with newfound joy and respect. “Thanks Pinkie. Thank you so much.”
“Oh no!” Pinkie screamed and began to vibrate like a motor engine. “It’s coming!”
“What’s co- AUGH!”
Pinkie’s rear end practically exploded with shit, brown gloop studded with keys covering Rainbow Dash from head to hoof, some of it in her eyes, ears and mouth.
“Oopsie! Sorry Rainbow, I needed to go poopy! La, la, la, la!”
“Why that’s PERFECT!” said an astounded Twilight, reaching for her camera. “Just hold that pose… Dearest Celestia, these will look great in tomorrow’s news!”
“Welcome to your very first, Pinkie Pie copyrighted, ‘Just had a baby’ party!”
Pinkie pulled on a cord that dropped from the ceiling, streamers and fireworks being set off in the middle of Sugarcube Corner. There was an enormous cream cake, a punch bowl, a jelly in the shape of a cactus and a banner that read, ‘Congratulations! It’s a freakish devil thingy!’ Rarity and Applejack were already drunk to a punch from the punch that they’d drunk, Twilight sat in the corner reading Fifty Shades of Hay while Fluttershy was violently stomping her hooves down on a now dead mouse in an attempt to stop it from choking on a shard of glass she’d accidentally fed it.
“Thanks everypony… but I’m really not feeling so good…” Rainbow Dash moaned. “You didn’t even give me a chance… to recover… you just cleaned me with a fire hose and got me to… pull you back here in a chariot with square wheels… It took all night… I haven’t slept…”
“Oopsie! Sorry Rainbow Dash, that won’t happen again. The one with triangle wheels is so much more fun!” Pinkie sang to herself as she made her way over to pick Rarity up, who was now so drunk she was trying to chat up a protractor.
“Oh Rarity, you get so drunk! You’re so funny!”
“Just a sec,” Twilight called from above her book, sweat dripping furiously from her forehead. “Just get Spike to look after her or something. Spi-”
Before she could even finish his name, Spike appeared as if by magic and sauntered over to where Rarity was. “Hold your horses, ponies. I’ve got this.” He began to drag Rarity out the front door by her tail, whistling cheerily as he pulled her away from Sugarcube Corner, away from the Carousel Boutique… far away… someplace safe…
Rainbow Dash looked at the now sleeping imp between her forelegs, his claws holding onto the trident as if it were a teddy bear. “I love you, son,” she whispered, and gently kissed his forehead. “I think I’ll name you… Diablo.”
CLICK
CLICK
CLICK
CLICK
CLICK
The baby instantly sprang from Rainbow Dash’s hooves and began flying in circles above them, spewing flames with each breath. Pinkie’s welcome banner was disintegrated within seconds. The ceiling was lined with scorch marks. Thankfully reaching the climax of her book not a moment too soon, Twilight captured Diablo in a shield of purple aura.
“Rainbow Dash, your baby can’t stay here! He’s a menace to everypony!”
Diablo started crying, which in turn sent Rainbow Dash into tears. “I know he’s a little different, but I’ll take care of him. It’s what any good pony would do.”
Two weeks later, and Diablo had almost completely destroyed Rainbow Dash’s home. He had even singed her tail completely, and she’d barely slept thanks to his night-time habits of brutalising passers-by with his trident. She still loved him to bits, even if he spat in her face and told her that he hated her day in, day out.
It was on this day that Twilight came to visit using her spell to walk on clouds. Rainbow Dash had never told her where she lived but Twilight had taken care of that by injecting a microchip that could be detected by sonar while Rainbow Dash wasn’t looking. It was harmless enough unless it managed to reach the spinal cord, which it had.
Twilight knocked on the cloud door and was greeted by Rainbow Dash, who had cuts across her face.
“In Celestia’s name! What on earth happened?”
“Oh… it’s nothing…” Rainbow Dash sputtered weakly, coughing up blood as she said it.
“Well that’s a relief,” Twilight said with a sigh. “For a second there I thought something was wrong.”
Rainbow Dash collapsed as Twilight sauntered past, ignoring the pegasus and tutting as she noticed the state of the house. “Such a mess in here,” she muttered under her breath. “Anyway, I’m here because of several complaints from the citizens of Cloudsdale. They say that your son has been terrorizing everypony he comes into contact with!”
“That’s not true!” yelped Rainbow Dash, springing to her hooves. “I mean… not every pony. He can be a kind, sweet little imp when he wants to…”
“I guess you’re not going to cooperate… Wait, LOOK OVER THERE!”
Rainbow Dash quickly turned as Twilight shot a blow dart into the mare’s neck, and she fell to the floor in a crumpled heap.
Rainbow Dash was awoken by a wet fish being slapped into her face and saw her friends stood before her alongside Princess Celestia and Diablo.
“Good morning!” bellowed Pinkie Pie. “We thought you’d like a trip to Canterlot! It’s so amazing here, and we went to a theme park, and the arcades, and watched movies, and swam with dolphins, and you looked so cute and sleepy we just couldn’t bear to wake you up for what had to be the best time of our lives!”
“Princess Celestia needs to talk to you,” said Twilight confidently. “It’s about Diablo. Princess?”
Princess Celestia had dozed off and was now snoring loudly, but Twilight quickly woke her up with a soothing wake up spell.
“Hey! Why didn’t you wake me up like that?!” Rainbow questioned.
Princess Celestia finally spoke. “What? Where am I? Oh yeah. Rainbow Dash, apparently your son is stabbing ponies or whatever so we’re going to execute him or something. Either that or put him in a home. I forget. Anyway, he can’t stay with you any longer.”
Just as Celestia uttered those words there was a loud BANG as a crimson coated pony with two horns and a mane and tail made of fire appeared in the room. He looked down on them with an evil smile, and Diablo began laughing hysterically.
“Hello there,” he said gruffly, looking down on Diablo. “I’m ‘ere to pick up my son.”
The ponies gasped in shock. “WHAT?! This is the father?!” cried Applejack. “Gosh, I feel awful sorry for punishin’ the wrong stallion now.”
“Who are you?” asked Rainbow Dash. “I don’t even remember you!”
“Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Dressage, the Devil pony. You won’t remember me because we’ve never met.”
Rainbow’s eyes widened in terror. “So that means… you…”
“Oh hell no! Just a little artificial insemination project I’m doin’ for school. I should have the report finished by next week, teacher.”
Princess Celestia nodded her head. “Nice. You’ll get an A for this I reckon. I guess you can take your son.”
Diablo happily skipped over to his father as they shared a hug, then he looked back to his mother, Rainbow Dash, and his eyes began to well up. “Letter! Mummy! Letter!” He retrieved a letter from behind him and handed it to her. “Love you Mummy.” The two shared a tearful farewell embrace before Dressage teleported away with Diablo at his side.
Rainbow Dash looked down upon the letter, her heart filled with sorrow, regret, but also a sliver of happiness. She took a deep breath, and began to read.
(A/N: For added effect, play the Dead Island theme song in the background as you read the next section)
Dear Mummy,
If you are reading this then it means that we can no longer be together. I knew that this day would come, so I was prepared. Without you I wouldn’t be who I am today, and since you’re my Mummy I thought I should tell you everything I want to tell you before the time comes and I never get the chance. Don’t worry about me, though. I’ll be going somewhere I belong.
I know we never really spoke to each other much, and I know I’ve been a troublesome child. I guess part of me can’t help it since I’m part devil and all, but maybe I should have tried harder. I hurt so many ponies, most of all you. And I just want to say…
What the buck is wrong with you? You’re such a stupid mare who’s about as useful as a hedgehog in a balloon factory. You kept telling me you loved me and kept being nice to me, but all I ever wanted was for you to die a slow horrible death so I could laugh at you. If I had to live with you the rest of my life I think I would have rather been aborted.
You’re so unlikable that you’ll never find a stallion who’ll love you, so you’ll never have children of your own. Nopony likes you, and it’s because of what a useless, brainless failure you are. The past two weeks were so bad; going to hell is actually going to be like a holiday for me.
When I hugged you and said I loved you I was lying through my teeth. I’ll never forget you, which is a damn shame.
From your son who you will never see again,
Diablo.
P.S. Go buck yourself Mummy.
Attached to the letter was a photo of Rainbow Dash with the words world’s worst mother written in blood on it.
Tears poured from Rainbow’s eyes as she finished the letter. Twilight walked up beside her and rested a caring hoof on her shoulder, tears in her eyes as well.
“I know, I know,” Twilight said as she read through the letter. “It’s just unbelievable isn’t it? Only two weeks old and his writing has progressed so quickly! I’ll have to keep this letter for my research! This really is an amazing discovery! I’ll have to write a letter to Princess Celestia right away!”
Twilight quickly wrote her letter and slipped it between the sleeping alicorn’s hooves, as the six friends made their way back to Ponyville, wondering where their amazing adventures would take them next time!
