Antonio Eclair
Joined 20th Nov, 2011 ·
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this story is great without a doubt but, there are some spelling errors here and there so fix those and your story will be better than ever!
Pretty much what JM4N said. Tracking this, it's intriguing so far.
Keep going. let's see what can you do with this. 3.5 stars. After new chapter mayby I change it highter. Surprise me.
Great concept, some spelling, and I also noticed some places where you didn't use commas when they were necessary, alas, you also kept switching from first to third person POV 3.5
Terrible grammar. Use of incorrect words. The story is incredibly rough, I feel like this was written by an eight year old child.
I could write down exactly where you screwed up but I'm too damn lazy and it's your job to fix this even though I think it's a lost cause.
Get an editor to correct your mistakes, and preferably have your chosen editor go through each chapter before it's posted.
I also suggest you don't go with 'Twilight f***ed up a new spell and caused this' because it's over used. Kinda like 'Arrow to the knee'.
Lots of errors, but if fixed, this could be great!
Really good, but could use a lot of work on the spelling and grammar premise.
103438 Thanls for the advice but if you simply don't like it than don't even bother reading it anymore, I'll take your advice but that's all I'm taking from you, as far as the Twilight messing everything up goes, don't worry about it, but since you didn't like it I guess you won't bother on reading what actually happens, that being explained in chapter 2.
wow everypony who has commented so far is picky i don't fucking care about mistakes i ignore them and they need to ignore them to
to be honest i never noticed any mistakes
103409I'm going with your initiative: I'm going to rate it 3.5, but I might make it higher in later chapters.
~ ~ ~
There are some errors here and there. Maybe you can get an editor like SuperFrodo suggested? Heck, I'm tracking this. This is going to be a good story, I'm going to guess.
103424 Yeah i do have the tendency to rapidly change from first person to third person, I'll try to stick with just writing in one single perspective
the story is... meh... ig uess with a little practise it could be an alright fanfic, you definetly need to work on spelling and grammar mistakes though.
Again, what everyone says, mistakes. But interesting story. I'll be an editor if wanted.
hmm...I have to say this is great I dont care about grammar and crap like that as long as I can read it so this story looks really promiseing to me great job. I love storys like this!
103438 awww Hell no.No Arrow to the frieckin knee jokes, Plus this story in my opintion is great you should be more layed back about crap like spelling and shit dog...just let him write what he want to and how he wants ta I mean I no grammar....Nazi or anything but theres no need to be harsh...lay back and you can see him improve just give'm positive renforcement
103670 Thanks, if it isn't a problem I would like some help just so all this repeated comments about grammar and mistake stop.
Crap! This is going to be the fourth fanfic in my bookmarks bar!
103692
I've used positive reinforcement, it doesn't work. A good example of this is the user 'Trill'.
Negative reinforcement however works faster like it has on me. Though I admit I am a sporadic writer as it's not really my thing.
I like things to be nice, neat and in good order. Yes, that is a little like Nazi behavior which I fully understand, and your reason to protect a fellow is something to be expected. But making things as good as you can can work wonders.
I simply suggest that more effort be made to improve the quality of this story and all others, whether that be done by the writer or an editor.
By the way. What might Bread Loaf's age be? That might help to understand the reason for the story's quality. Though if Bread Loaf is conscious of his/her privacy then I don't have to know.
103854 You have good points, but I would always try to be nice,but it's people that like to be rude and inconsiderate that make me angry they have the ability to make better ways of expressing ways to get their desired effects, For example "Me" I dont take kindly to rude and just plain impatience cause I was raised to be polite and nice no matter what the matter is espially with grammar and stuff like that but I dont like how people talk others if they arent that good at "spelling" or anything like that I'd rather protect modest people cause they can be truthful about the story their writing and also express their opinion on the story without being so rude. Does this help any?
..I mean, if you were wlling to...
Ps, that was me trying to be futter critic,
cause you know, it's the Art Of The... um, Draft!
great
what are you useing to write this? if wou can get ahold of a good Microsoft Office torrent, Word will pick up on all of your mistakes
103887
It doesn't help me in anyway, and I'm not sure about any others that are reading this discussion...
105351 Oh,this discussion was between the two of us. And thats to bad it dosent help you it be really nice.
Need moar!
Had to format my laptop, so the next chapter won't be up until Friday, sorry guys
So it'l be up today?
-yay!
Aaargh! Stupid time difference! It's 7:18 PM here! I need chapter!
Where's my chapter?
Yes! More chapter!
Just read it! Awesome! Now I need more chapter! When is the next chapter online?
115152 Sorry for the delay
, something popped up yesterday and i wasn't able to publish the chapter until today
YOU NEED TO WRITE ANOTHER CHAPTER.
I really look forward to reading more of this story
.
MOAR STOARI NAOH
umm if thats ok... with you.
in the next chapter, make it so fluttershy turns on the tv before he comes in an helps her, and the tv has CNN on, and it's broadcasting something about the Iraq war.
DOITDOITDOITDOIT
I find this story interresting,also My little Dashie....and the sequal...and the threequal.....well most storys that have real life elements placed in it....or my favorite video games such as Left 4 Dead and.....Oh someone should write a terraria or...or....Saints row 1,2,and 3! that would be very interresting!!!! im babbling sorry hehe
115829 got it, or i'll se what i can do but i really like the idea
116078 I imagine a Saints Row fanfic would be really funny especially if its based on the The Third
great
Check my avatar pic and take a wild guess as to who I'd love to see in EQ *evil-grin* !!!
Is this really that good of a fic
? I really think i could've done better but if you guys like it than thanks for the support 
Okay, I seriously need to get a check up for narcissism...
Every time I see a fic that uses the name of my main character or has a summary that comes anywhere near the basic idea of my plot, I immediately think 'rip off!' I seriously think I might be letting this stuff get to my head just a wee bit...
Sorry for letting the internet control me!
131614 I'm sure the internet controls us alot of the time and i understand how you feel, i felt the same alot of times i read other fanfic with the littlest thing similar to mine.
Great fic too, I'm gonna definitely track this.
Imma track it so hard, heat-seeking missiles would be jelly.
and if you stop writing more that means you have free time and if you have free time that means you can help me and i need someone to help me make very "special" cupcakes with some "special" ingrediants
Pretty good, a pre-reader/editor might help out a bit but there isn't really anything too big, just a few instances where a comma might help and at one point (even like I do sometimes) you did a classic there/their/they're mix-up. I hope i didn't offend you or anything though.
In case you didn't see my comment in the last chapter...
Imma track it so hard, heat-seeking missiles would be jelly.
One major problem, Fluttershy tends to carnivores.
While on Equestria.
She would understand that some animals would need meat to survive, so wouldn't freak out.
Can't wait for next chapter
131926 She probably would if they are bunnies
131922 Not at all, you see i had the chapter done since Tuesday but i had alot of stuff to do for school plus i needed to study for like 3 exams and well i didn't have time to actually publish the chapter or have somebody pre-read it
131913 google.com.mx/imgres?q=rage+faces+names&hl=es&safe=off&biw=1366&bih=624&gbv=2&tbm=isch&tbnid=qhFnkvAtRH540M:&imgrefurl=http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/oh-crap-omg-rage-face&docid=jHMKB5M2oum2qM&imgurl=http://i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/004/077/Raisins_Face.jpg&w=986&h=591&ei=WBATT6ryCua22gWmvITeCA&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=875&vpy=362&dur=464&hovh=104&hovw=174&tx=121&ty=166&sig=100802130964147322697&page=1&tbnh=104&tbnw=174&start=0&ndsp=23&ved=1t:429,r:20,s:0