Celestia has ended Nightmare Moon's coup d'etat and sealed her sister away but many questions remain. What drove her sister to this extreme? Will she ever be able to recover from the loss? Can she still lead her ponies?
Chapters (3)
Archlyn
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I haven't read it, but it's coup d'etat.
Good start will watch for more
1431530
Fixed, thanks!
Bronzedragon:
Glad you enjoyed it :)
It's not perfect, but a very solid start. I'll be interested to see where it goes from here-- Keep me posted. :)
(and if you want more concrete criticism, lemme know)
1432468
Always
Also, damn your fast
1432482
First thing: you're.
OK, so...
0-- There are exceptions. To every rule, to every statement, to every suggestion or bit of advice. Don't take anything, even this, as absolute truth.
1-- There is such a thing as too many descriptors, and there can also be too many adverbs. Try to cut back on them, use the bare minimum required to still set the scene, and cut every adverb if at all possible, instead making the nature of the action apparent with the circumstances. The adverb part, you already have down pat. The adjective bit... Not so much yet.
2-- Look at the second paragraph. You use Celestia's name four times in four sentences, and two of those were nearly back to back. Try to cut down on using an individual's name unless absolutely needed-- I like to go for a max of twice in a single paragraph and NEVER in the same sentence, and even that is pushing it a bit.
3-- Remember how Rule 0 said "even this" is not an absolute truth? Well, that's because there ARE some absolutes, like this:
An ellipses has EXACTLY THREE periods. No more, no less. .. Is wrong, .... is right out.
Anything else I'd cover will wait until you've written some more, or revised-- Overall, incredibly solid stuff, all things considered.
1432498
First off, here's my Grammar Nazi card, you can have it, I'm turning it in. I get annoyed with "your" vs "you're" all the time and then I go and do that... sheesh
Secondly, I understand most of what you've said and will do my best to fix the problems that are already evident and keep this in mind for future chapters. However, there is one piece of advice that I didn't understand. Specifically:
Can you give an example?
1432576
The simplest example: if a character is running, you don't have to say swiftly or quickly or anything like that. We already know that running is fast. But like I said, you were already quite good about that one, I just included it for completeness.
Amazing, simply amazing. It's an amazing start, though I'd like it if you added a picture. A few errors from time to time, but it's well written and i just have to give it a thumbs up. Good job bro.
1434249
I'm glad you liked it
I can't really draw or anything, so no pictures from me unfortunately.
As for the errors, so long as they're stuff that hasn't already been mentioned, then I'd like to know about them. I'm probably going to be giving this chapter a going-over in the near future though
1433968
Thanks!
Okay... couple things here:
As always, corrections are welcomed, encouraged and appreciated :)
This chapter is quite a bit longer than the first one, so for future reference, should I break longer chapters up?
Also, the next chapter will probably be a bit late, as I have to correct the issues in chapter 1, and whatever you guys find here. I also have real life stuff I need to take care of.
Wow, this is a great chapter to read through.
Anyway,spelling nitpickery away:
She’d come to eek out their fates after all and they had been foolish enough to be caught, For her part, the white alicorn appraised them all in turn
I assume eek should be seek, and there should be a period between caught and for instead of a comma.
Oh, and I also added this to the groups Celestia's Past and Celestia and Luna, since it could use more visibility.
1585220
I'm glad you liked it
Eek was actually supposed to be eke but even that doesn't work
, now I'm going to find something that works.
---
I didn't know about those groups, thanks a lot! How do groups even work on this site?
1585273 I'm not 100% sure on the groups myself, though I'm sure there's some FAQ or anohter that tells you. I just went through and found the groups that this story would fit, joined up and added it to them, shich is nice since those are also types of strories that I'm often interested in
I liked this chapter, but there was one part that didn't really make sense. When Celestia shared the memory of her dream with the night guard. What possible reason could they have to believe her? They had been fighting against her and they had just learned that their mistress had been imprisoned for who knows how long in the moon. For all they knew this "memory of a dream" was just something she made up to stop them from continuing the war. I just can't see how they would believe her without question so soon after rebelling against her. Besides that, keep up the good work.
1585776
TBH I kinda borrowed the idea from what Twilight did with her friends in "The Return of Harmony". I'll admit that it is kinda weak though. If I can find a way to make it more believable, I will.
1585803
Sounds good. If you want a suggestion than I would say have the night guards that are still at large raise those points to the night guards celestia released and go from there. Something like that could work. At any rate, keep up the good work.
1585273
Perhaps you mean "decide their fate"?
This is a bit oddly phrased, I'd suggest rephrasing it to:
“Because of the actions of Our sister though, many have suffered and the palace made into a ruin. We have decided to move the royal seat to the nearby city of Canterlot so that we may all make a fresh start without the constant reminder of what has happened here.”
You shouldn't start the sentence with because, since it's really a conjunction. Without a first thing to join to the second it is out of place. Is there actually a palace in Canterlot? If so, why? If not, then it's all the more important not to imply that there is. Also, then you'd have to build one.
1585776
Perhaps because it offers the hope of her return. Celestia didn't hate Luna or anything, and I doubt Luna could turn her guards into Celestia hating ponies in so short a time. It seems likely that they simply feared for their lives, because they refused to be disloyal to Luna and deserve Celestia's punishment for rebelling. If they are still sane, they probably feel that they are to blame for the loss of life, despite where their loyalties lie. Thusly they are willing to be sent away and relieved that Luna is not dead/gone permanently.
1585820
Seems reasonable. It is possible that some, if not all, share Luna's perception of Celestia as overbearing and perhaps too controlling.
1588796
Suggested corrections will be made momentarily.
Also, your conception of the Lunar Guards in that scene is pretty much what I had in mind, except, if not rebellion then some sort of ritual suicide or something like that. "Death before dishonor" I think comes closest.
After considering it, I'm not sure that would fit though and thus your idea has more merit than mine, but Duffman18's idea is interesting. The problem I'm having is that I'm not sure how to fit a scene like that into the story, considering what I've got planned in my head
This story is sure is collecting a lot of deleted scenes
EDIT: Changes made. Also, "Eke out their fates" has become "mete out"
1589056
Do you look up these words before switching them? I'm not trying to compel you to change it, but I proposed decide before because she was compelling them to do something which effect things in the end. I just feel like Mete still isn't quite right, as their fate isn't something Celestia really does to them.
From Google:
mete/mēt/
Verb: Dispense or allot (justice or a punishment).
Noun: A boundary or boundary stone.
Synonyms:
verb. measure - gauge - allot - apportion - allocate
noun. border - boundary - bound - limit - frontier - borderline
When you say deleted scenes do you mean stuff that was removed after publishing here, stuff that was written but not published or stuff that wasn't written at all but might have been?
If you tell us what you have in mind I'd be happy to give you my opinion, but you may as well write it out at least unless you'd really prefer it to go otherwise.
P.S. I feel like Celestia's outward expression isn't really representing her inward feelings. It feels a bit wrong that she won't confide in them her sadness over the loss of her sister. After all in a way she has to deal with some of the same kind of loss they do, she'll get to see her again but she'll miss Luna for probably ten times the age they'll live to be. Also, I know it's cliche, but it seems dumb that she doesn't feel any guilt. Maybe she's still in shock, and not really reflecting on the circumstances, yet.
1589441
RE: Mete -
Yes, I did look it up beforehand and it certainly sounded like what I wanted.]]
All I can say is that it was kinda written with the guards' point of view in mind *shrugs* I'll fix it.
RE: Deleted scenes:
As in stuff that in my head I wanted to include but as things were actually written out I just couldn't find any way to include them. Most were minor details though.
As for what comes next, I'd rather not spoil anything here so I'll send you a PM about it in a few minutes
WRT Celestia:
I either don't understand what you mean by Celestia's not expressing guilt or I just don't write it well. Chapter 2 was supposed to be all about her guilt. and there are still little bits of it at the beginning of Chapter 3. As for her unwillingness to confide in her subjects, well I don't honestly see her doing that at all... to me she seems like she carries the weight of the world on her shoulders and doesn't let anyone help. Also, since she IS their ruler, that seems like a line she wouldn't cross.
Also, one other thing: I thought about the level of Celestia's loss versus that of her subjects while I was writing this... and I think the families of the guardsponies have it worse... their loved ones aregone, period. Celestia at least has the hope that she'll see her sister again.Ignore the above, I thought about what you said some more and you're right... I suspect it would be harder on Celestia - she'd have to wait a long time whereas everyone else would eventually learn to cope with the loss. That's going to have to be addressed I think, probably in the opening of th next chapter unless it's really crucial that it be handled in Chapter 3.
1589526
Just a quick explanation. When I say Celestia isn't expressing guilt I mean that there isn't any introspection, in a sense, as to why Luna did this. Celestia is only really sorry about banishing her and missing her. She hasn't explored the reasons or whether she might bear some blame for Luna's state of mind/behavior.
Maybe they do have it worse, but as you pointed out once they cope with the loss and move on it doesn't hurt them anymore in some sense. They won't even to have to deal with the notion that the cause of their suffering is out there walking around living their life without consequences (cause she's trapped in the moon). Aside from suffering for a long time and having plenty of time to second guess her actions and blame herself for not noticing sooner or not acting sufficiently to prevent the casualties that occurred, there are other things Celestia still has to deal with. For one, Luna is not going to come out of this as the pony she was before all this happened; her actions resulted in the death of ponies. She doesn't have any backup if she wants to take a day off, she'll have to endure the burden of immortality without anyone to talk to who really understands. I could probably come up with more, but I think you can see where I'm going here.
1590274
I wish I knew how to quote pieces of posts here
I take it Chapter 2 wasn't good enough or you? Hmm... what did I do wrong?
All I can say to the next part (or am willing to say in the thread) is read the PM I sent you... I'm planning on dealing with that, believe me. Your comments have given me another idea for a chapter though :D and possibly a way to explore Duffman18's idea!
1590359
You use the quote button (it's the one to the right of the YouTube button on the bar) for that. Just copy the text into your reply, then select the text you want in the quote box thingy and push the quote button. You could also just type 'quote' and '\quote' and surround each with [ and ]. Basically it's a quote tag, think HTML.
Thanks for reminding me, chapter 2 seems to slip my mind a little. It might be because it's mostly a dream sequence. It's not that you did anything wrong, you didn't, I just think she'd be more open about her feelings. Perhaps I impose what I think makes sense onto the character unfairly. It's kind of my view that Celestia, at least in canon, doesn't really desire the limelight. I mean I'm sure it's pleasant, but I see it as she does things more for duty's sake than because it's pleasant and is somewhat oblivious to the bootlicking. Perhaps familiarity breeds forgetfulness? Probably just a matter of opinion.
Heh, I hope so? I'd be interested in some detail of the 1,000 year waiting period. Honestly, it seems like a lot of people skip over most of because all the detail of a 1000 years would be painfully tedious to write about. Although it seems odd that they prefer the beginning and end and don't seem to do anything in the middle anywhere. Err, okay, good luck with those ideas.
1591244
That's... actually close to how I feel. The thing with the limelight is that she has it, whether she wants it or not. That's what makes her such an awesome ruler IMO. The best leaders are the ones that don't want the job. The difference is that, to me, Celestia doesn't want to share her problems because rulers don't share this sort of thing with their subjects, although she does have her advisor(s) so she may feel close enough to them to share. *ponder*
Is this still an active story or have you dropped it or quit?