Chapter 1

"Night mom!" said Star Streamer as she hugged her mom. ''Night Starry.'' Her mom trotted out of the room and closed the door and made her way to the nursery to check on Scootaloo. The orange filly lay in her crib. Her mom smiled and closed the door again. The next morning Star Streamer was eating breakfast. "Mom? Can I bring Scootaloo to class today?'' she asked. Her mom put the spoon of baby food down. ''Why?'' she asked. Star looked at her little sister. ''Cause today is show and tell, and I wanna show her and tell about her.'' Her mom smiled. ''I'll bring her in for you ok?'' Star smiled. ''Ok mom.'' She got up and went to school. Star walked into the classroom and sat at her desk. The clock clicked and clicked counting the seconds away. The bell rang and it was time for crafts. Today Shimmer the jewlery maker came in and taught everypony how to make lockets. Star made a silver one . One pony even got her cutie mark! Show and tell rolled around and Star's mom came in with Scootaloo. Star stood at the front of the class. "This is my little sister Scootaloo. She's gonna grow up to be just like me! I play with her everyday and im gonna teach her all kinds of stuff!'' Star stood there so proud as everypony applauded. Everypony cooed over how cute Scootaloo was. When Star got home she got her picture box out. She picked out 2 pictures; One of herself and the other of her holding Scootaloo. She cut the pictures to size and put them in the locket. Star went into the nursery and sat by Scootaloo's crib. ''Scootabug, I made this for you today at school. It has a picture of me and you in it so we can always be close even when were not together. '' She put the locket on Scootaloo's nightstand and went to bed. ~3 years later~
Dusty Rose watched her girls play outside. Star flew up and Scootaloo flapped her wings and tried to get off the ground. Little did they know they were being watched. A dark red stallion watched Star fly around. He trotted up to Dusty. ''Hello ma'am. I am intrested in having your daughter join our weather team. " Star landed and trotted up to her mom and the stallion. "Mom? Whos he?'' she asked. Scootaloo ran up . ''Mommy stwanger!'' Dusty put Scootaloo in the gate. Dusty looked back st the stallion. "Starry is still young. I dont think its a good idea for her to be on the weather team.'' Star stomped. '' Of course I wanna be on the weather team! Come on mom, Im a great flyer and maybe Scoots can join when she gets older!'' Star said. Dusty saw the sparkle in Star's eyes and knew she really wanted it. ''Ok" she sighed. "You can join but you have to be careful!'' Star jumped up and down '' Yay Im gonna be a weather pony Im gonna be a weather pony!'' ~2 years later~
Star walked through the door soaked. Scootaloo jumped up and ran to Star. ''Sis your home!'' Star hugged her sister and mom. "Those summer storms are getting worse" said star as she sat down in the living room. She told them all about her day. It was getting late and they all went to bed. Star woke up when she heard the sirens. She hopped out of bed and looked out her window. The dark clouds told her it was another storm. She was getting her jacket and goggles on when she heard hoofsteps. It was Scootaloo. "Whats going on sissy?" Star hugged Scootaloo. "Its just another storm Scootabug. I'll be back soon. I love you Scoots.'' She tucked her sister in and went in to her moms room to hug her goodbye and she flew off into the storm. Scootaloo fell back asleep dreaming of her big sister fighting off the bad storm clouds. The thunder was loud. Thats all Scootaloo knew. It scared her so she went into her moms room and snuggled up to her. Dusty was awake. Listening to the wind. Star wasent back yet and she was getting worried.The wind picked up and she heard the tornado siren. She grabbed Scootaloo and hid under the bed. It only lasted a few minutes but Cloudsdale had taken a good bit of damage. Star was still not home and Dusty was very worried. After Dinner Dusty was going to report her missing. Her plans were interuppted by a knock at her door. It was a dark blue Stallion in a weather team uniform. ''Dusty Rose?" he asked. " Yes? What is it? Dusty looked at him with a worried look. The stallion held up Star's uniform. "Im sorry.. " Dusty put her head down to hide the tears. Her whole body shook. The stallion put a hoof around Dusty. " She was blown into a wall and hit her head. She didnt make it to the hospital...'' Scootaloo ran to the door. ''Starry is that you?'' Her mom closed the door and explained the whole thing. Scootaloo cried. She cried like she never had before. She ran to her room and jumped onto her bed. She put her hooves over her eyes and hoped it was all a bad dream. She opened her locket and looked at the pictures. They brought a smile to her face. She began to cry again when she heard her mom cry. The funeral was in ponyville and everypony in cloudsdale and ponyville came. Dusty cried through most of the service and Scootaloo sat very quietly, not looking anypony in the eye. After the burial and many hugs, Scootaloo sat behind an apple tree. Dusty said she could play in the park nearby. She sat there twirling her locket when a filly with a big pink bow walked up to her. ''Heya! im um.. sorry bout your sis.." the filly said. "My name's Applebloom whats yours?'' Scootaloo looked down and said softly ''Scootaloo.'' Applebloom Sat next to Scootaloo. " Yall gonna stay in ponyville?'' Scootaloo shrugged." I dunno.. things are so different now." Dusty and Scootaloo went out to eat that night. Nopony really said anything about the days events. ~ a few months later~
Dusty and Scootaloo had in fact moved to Ponyville. It was Scootaloo's first day of school. She grabbed her bag and hugged her mom. She walked down the road up to the schoolhouse. There was alot of ponies playing on the playground. She soon recognized one. "Applebloom!" she called out. "Hi Scootaloo! You go to school here?'' Applebloom asked. ''Ya i live down the street.'' Said Scootaloo.
The bell rang and everypony walked in the classroom. When school was over scootaloo trotted home. ''Mom!'' she said as she walked in ''Tommorrow is show and tell'' Dusty smiled. "What are you going to bring?'' Scootaloo reached in her bag. She pulled out the locket her sister had made her. '' This'' said Scootaloo. Dusty smiled.
The next day Ms. Cheerilee called out the student's names and everypony had brought in something special to them. Scootaloo's name was called and she walked to the front. She held up the locket for everypony to see. ''This locket was made by Star Streamer. My big sister. '' said Scootaloo. "Shes not here anymore but its ok cause she made this for me so we could be close even when we arent." Ms. Cheerliee hugged Scootaloo when she saw her tear up. Everypony applauded and Scootaloo sat down at her desk. Scootaloo trotted home after school and put her bag outside on the porch. She wanted to go to Appleblooms house but needed permission. Permission was granted and she put her bag back on, not knowing her locket had fallen out. That night she went to put her locket on her dresser but couldnt find it. Dusty calmed her down saying that they will find it in the morning. Morning came and it was nowhere to be found, Scootaloo was very upset. They looked and looked but couldnt find it. Scootaloo went inside and took out her sister's picture box. She spent hours looking at the pictures and smiling at her memories.
~The next year~
Scootaloo Woke up. It was a good day. She trotted to the kitchen and hugged her mom. School was great as well. Everything was going good until Ms.Cheerilee said tommorrow was Sibling day. Scootaloo's heart sank. Her sister was gone. After school Scootaloo went to her sisters grave. Scootaloo sat in front of the rock. The rock that beared her sister's name. She fought back the tears. She didnt want to cry. "Hi sis, i miss you" was all she could muster to say. She glanced up and saw clouds. Scootaloo hated storms. She sat as the tears rolled down her cheeks and dropped to the ground. "I really miss you Star. You were supposed to be here. I want you to come to sibling day at school and i want you to see me get my cutie mark..." Scootaloo cried until it began to get dark, she walked toward home. Before she could open the door something shiny made her stop. Scootaloo walked over to it and found it was a silver locket. She picked it up and opened it then she saw a soft glow in front of her. 'Scoots, im very proud of you and I will be there on Sibling day.. you will see. I love you Scootabug.' Scootaloo smiled ''I love you too Star!'' Scootaloo went inside and fell asleep; smiling at the fact that her big sis never really left her and never will.

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Comments ( 11 )

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XiF

XiF #1 · Oct 12th, 2012 · · ·

Capitalize names, omg.

easonhooves

easonhooves #2 · Oct 12th, 2012 · · ·

is this a one shot?

Writer12577

Writer12577 #3 · Oct 12th, 2012 · · ·

Ugh. Another. I have a chapter to write, but meh. I'll bite.

First off, wall of text. Use formatting and paragraphs to make the text readable.

Secondly, when someone else speaks, start a new line.

"Hi there," said Scootaloo. "A beautiful day, huh?"
"Most certainly!" answered Sweetie Belle.

Thirdly, grammar. Whilst your basics are good, I see some small mistakes. Consider using a spell checker to fix these.

Fourthly, consider making up another way to express the passing of time. Try your best to avoid the "X Years later/earlier". It just doesn't sound or look so good.

Fifthly, as easonhooves already asked, is this a one shot? There would be potential, you know. Just fixes here and there, formatting and general tidying up and this could be something.

And sixthly, as XiF pointed out, fix your description.

sierra_seven_

sierra_seven_ #4 · Oct 12th, 2012 · · ·

Hello there! I'm Quantum (Sierra) with the TWE. I have to head off in a minute, but I'll quickly have a looksky at some of your stuff. As always, if you don't like the information I've put in this, feel free to ignore it. I'm not forcing you to implement these changes, though it will be better for all involved if it is improved. I'd like to see this story do well, so I'd like it if you paid attention!
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_rape.png

Anyhoo, I'll be using my common system for reviewing this, described below:

Red indicates a typo or lexical error.
Blue shows something I would add into the story.
Green highlights a grammatical and/or syntactical flaw.
Purple draws your attention to something I've noticed.
Orange is used for general note-making.

back when scootaloo was a baby, she had a sister.. her sister was her best friend.. now that shes gone.. what will scootaloo do?

Ok, I'll list the major problems, and then go into more depth:

-Capitalisation
-Ellipses
-Run-on sentence

Capitalisation: I'm sure you're aware you need to capitalise names. For example: Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, Applebloom. All names need capitals. Make sure you check through your work and ensure that you don't have silly mistakes like this. Making these errors in your description can make people doubt the quality of the entire story.

Ellipses: The proper length of an ellipsis is '...'. So, three periods. You really don't need as many as you have in the title, which brings me neatly onto the third point.

Run-on sentence: You use ellipses as a device to extend the sentence, rather than breaking it up into separate ones. This is bad. I'll show you what I would do for a description below:

When Scootaloo was just a foal, she had a caring sister. Her sister was once her best friend, but is now long gone. How will the orange pegasus deal with the loss of somepony that has supported her through so much of her life?

dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_sad.png
Any better now?

Unfortunately I've got to head off now, but good luck with the story, and hopefully some of what I've written here will be of use to you. Mail me if you have any questions or need advice!

~Sierra, TWE's Raging Englishman dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_rape.png

CherryCupcake116

CherryCupcake116 #5 · Oct 12th, 2012 · · ·

for the people giving advice in a rude way...i am just starting! i understand there are mistakes.. for christ's sake! BE FREAKING NICE!
and for the few acually being polite with their adviceThank you.. i will fix errors but not this weekend as i have a party and a sick kitty cat to tend to.