what if rainbow and soarin were married
Chapters (4)
celticfan
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No caps in description...
ct.fra.bz/ol/fz/sw/i56/5/6/14/frabz-Ive-got-a-bad-feeling-about-this-2bb9ff.jpg
*Dives into fic*
You need an editor. Hire me NOW, dammit.
Not sure if trollfic or just very very very very bad.
One speaker a paragraph.
Punctuation should always be in the quotation marks.
Names of people and places need to be capitalzied.
I needs to be capitalized.
Pacing man pacing... jegus riding on a flying seahorse your pacing is fast.
Ya, I'm not going to do a full review right now... just saying this right now but I suggest you flag down the nearest editor and beg them for help.
Welp, I'm going to come back here in a bit and do a proper review. Be right back.
What if you knew how to write a fanfic?
Long live boston celtics
1501904>>1501889
Who? And shouldn't they be capitalized. Boston Celtics?
*Sniffs air*
I smell a foul odor, one reminiscent of a troll.
1501889
Tactical dislikes incoming!
First fanfic and i know it sucked :(
1501933
Alright:
Pick up a book.
Look in the book.
Look at your story.
See anything different with how the book is formatted?
Man, I don't feel this story at all. I don't quite even know where to begin. It's late out, I should be in bed since I have school tomorrow, but let's just get this over with, shall we?
Okay, the grammar. Dear Zutara, I am such a grammar nerd, it isn't even funny, and seeing this made me want to crawl onto the floor into a ball and weep. There's no way to put this nicely, okay? Everything is just messy and disorganized. But have no fear, for TWE reviewer, Missy, is here.
i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
To start off,
Never, you hear me, EVER write who is speaking as if this were a script. This is a story, and putting in Soarin' like that is pretty much forbidden in writing. Oh, dear, this is a bad start! First off, change it, too:
He asked a question, use a question mark. Spell "will" instead of "will." Also, go into a different paragraph for a different speaker. It makes it less clumped up. Do not use caps because they appear out of place, and don't use too many exclamation points.
... Oh my:
Why am I fixing the grammar like this? I don't know; I feel as if it will give you the idea of what good grammar and spelling can do for a story. But let's face it, even this doesn't help at how much of a fanfiction this is--and I don't even want to get into the second chapter right ow! Overall, grammar wise, it's sad. Spelling is in some cases off, punctuation is just as bad and is missing all over, and--I can't even explain it all, it's just not good one bit!
Story-wise, it's horrendous. There's no description of their relationship, how it started or the development of their relationship, nor is there anything we see in the beginning except them getting married. It's so sudden, like the snap of a finger. Plus, they feel so out of character--yes, even Soarin, who hasn't been on the show much. I just feel like he wouldn't be all "oh, I knew you were going to say yes!" It simply feels wrong, in my opinion. The story's pacing is really bad, because we don't get a details of wedding preparations or much of the wedding itself. Too fast, writer! Slow it down a bit, for goodness sake. You got from the proposal to the wedding itself in under 1000 words. That's not good. But... I'm going to keep trying. I know if I have faith, this story might not be so bad--
... Fuck this, I'm out of here. Message me if you want an editor, because this burns my eyes, and you could use the help. Very simply put.
*leaves*
1501933 Take a look at some stories here with better positive ratings and see what they are doing that you're not. You will get a much better idea of how writing works when you look at those.
Want me to spoil chapter 3
Okay, I somehow lived through chapter 2. What the fuck? This isn't the Indy 500, this is a story.
goodnight and godbless :)
To those who want a translation:
That is sort of what it should look like. But you still haven't corrected the 50 plus spelling errors, missed caps, wrong words used, etc etc.
1501841 "Punctuation should always be in the quotation marks": except colons and semicolons.
Then you would have good grammar?
Is this a joke?
You're lucky that I'm in a good mood from watching "Pop Rocket Episode 1" (courtesy of Olan Rogers, aka THE BEST PERSON ALIVE RIGHT NOW) or else I would freakin' explode on this story.
But yeah, it's pretty bad. I'm fairly certain it's a trollfic, mainly from all the references. Big Mac's manly tears? Rainbow Dash's lesbianism? Spitfire being a priest? The terrible grammar? Aquaman!?
One major beef was how emberassed Soarin' was for crying in front of Rainbow Dash. He shouldn't be emberassed! The love of his life just agreed to marry him. If that were me, I would bawl like I did to "A Summer Twilight", which is a great story by the way. You guys should go check it out.
But yeah...I'm calling trollfic. Of course, everyone else has called trollfic.
...
I spelled "embarassed" wrong, didn't I? ...
1501933
Sigh, the worst of excuses. Well, you earned it:
djotter.blossers.net/Degree500px.gif
1502154
"embarrassed".
Alright, I read the first chapter. Lets do this.
First off, I learned that you should NEVER have any chapter be under at least 900 words. Most of the time it's just not enough room to create a decent chapter.
Second, EVERY time you start a new sentence and a paragraph it ALWAYS starts with a capital letter. NO exceptions. Also, PLEASE indent every time you start a new paragraph. I can't even start by saying how hard it was for me to figure out when it was a new paragraph.
Now onto the chapter itself.
Ummm, that is not a good start. For one, you had Soarin talk like it was in a play. Never do that. Secondly, it should be will not well
The main problem was that it's basiclly walls of text. You ALWAYS need to start on a new paragraph whenever someone else talks. You can't ignore that rule or you always will get walls of text, and get raked over the coals for it.
Since this is a shorter review from me, I'll be brief. You really need to work on your pacing. Trust me. You started the story with Soarin asked Rainbow to marry her. You could have easily extended this whole book by at least two to three chapters by explaining how their relationship began, or who fell for who first. You could even explain the wedding in another chapter.
The wedding was really quick. Whenever you are writing a important or dramatic scene, such as a wedding, elaborating is key.
Overall, this isn't a horrible chapter. Clean up your grammar, use quotation marks, capitals and spaces and SLOW DOWN. It might even be best for you to scrap this chapter and write a few more where you can elaborate on the finer details.
Don't give up. This story has potential. I'll take a look at the second chapter at little later.
Thanks for reading. twow443 out.
Fuck this I'm done
1501959
This might not be intended as a trollfic, but the author is sure acting like one.
Big Mac may be shedding manly tears, but I'm shedding tears, too.
Wait.. nope, this is blood. Blood flowing from my eyes.
Page break, capitalization, and pacing errors abound.
1502317
Dat coincidence.
Well, let's not waste any time with little things like setting and description. Oh, and it's 'will,' not 'well.' You confuse those two a lot.
Oh, I'm TWE's Scribblestick, by the way. Just dropping by to give you my two cents.
Okay. One speaker per paragraph, space after any punctuation, indentations at the beginning of each paragraph or extra lines between them, and get a proofreader to help you with grammar, because there are far more problems than I care to address here.
Beyond the mechanical problems, you need to slow down and describe things, especially the settings. You should also build up to Soarin's proposal and spend more time with the wedding so that your readers can feel the emotional impact of these events. They fly by so fast that I almost miss them.
This is called 'pacing' and has to do with how quickly the story progresses. If you go too fast, the reader will get lost. If you go too slow, the reader will get bored. Yours is incredibly fast. I find problems with fast pacing can usually be solved by describing settings and characters (appearance, actions, thoughts, etc.).
Did she get one of those online licenses?
NO! NOT RAINBOW DASH'S FIREPLACE!
Yeah, I'm done here. Hope this helps!
~Scribblestick, TWE moderator
I laughed.
So hard.
This abomination needs to be cleansed from this holy site.
I said I'd be back and I meant it. Time to look over your second chapter. I'm going to try to take this paragraph by paragraph.
I must say though, you need to do yourself a favor and read a book that doesn't have a lot of dialogue. You NEED to work on whenever you start a new paragraph. I was reading though and it looked like you hit the Enter key at random. New paragraph whenever someone else talks and when you are ending a scene. I'll show you what I mean about that in a moment. But now, Onwards!
Let me try to clean this up for you and show you how I would write it.
I maneuvered some words around for you so it would leave more room open for conversation between the two. They just got married, so they should talk to each other!
One thing I've seen you do is not say who is talking. If you just have quotation marks on a sentence you need to say who is talking. Even just saying something like, "Rainbow said" is better than not mentioning who said what. It'll make for some confusing scenes.
Also, did you see what else I added. Capitals. I went through this chapter again and I could count on one hand whenever you correctly used capital letters. That....is not good. If you don't use capitals, the story will blend together and look like a big mess. I know I said this before, but it is really important for you to know this.
Since I'm running out of time, I'm going to take a longer section of this chapter and re-write it. Here we go.
Besides your pacing, you need to work on your indenting and your spelling. I'm repeating myself so you know what I want you to work on the most.
Did you notice the two things I left out? I took out Big Mac's crying because unless that's going to play a major part, it doesn't need to be in there. I also took out the sudden appearance of the Doctor, because he doesn't need to be there also.
I really hope that this isn't a troll fic, because with a little cleaning up, this could be a great story. My advice is to start over with different chapters, such as this.
Chapter 1-Soarin and Rainbow start to fall in love.
Chapter 2-After some things happen(you decide what) Soarin proposes to Rainbow
Chapter 3-The wedding. That could easily cover a whole chapter.
Chapter 4-The honeymoon, if you want them to have one.
Chapter 5-The show where Rainbow has a heart attack.
With this, your story is longer and can have more detail. That gives you more room to work with to improve on character development.
I'm truly out of time, but I hope my advice helps. I'll follow this and see where it goes. Hope I was a help.
twow443 out.
Not sure if a troll fic or this is your actual writing skill. If it's the later, then I apologize for making fun. You should really pay close attention to 1501958 and 1502270 's comments. They pretty much nailed the board on the coffin. You've got a lot to learn, but that's okay. We all had to start somewhere, so just heed their advice and keep practicing.
"Rainbow Dash, will you marry me?" Said Soarin. "Yes!" Said the excited Rainbow mare. "Really? Oh my Celestia, I knew you were going to say yes!" Said Soarin. "And I always knew you were going to propose, too... Are those tears of joy I see on your face?" Said Rainbow, smiling. "What? No, it's-it's, um... Allergies! Yeah, it's allergies," lied the Wonderbolt stallion.
Now that wasn't hard, was it?
hello everybody this is celticfan i red my comments that said that this is a troll fic, will this is not a trollfic
i repeat this is not a trollfic it is just a regular fanific but i f****d it all the grammer up. it is my first fanific writing but dont worry i will make it up to you. i will make chapter 3 for all of you and im going to do my best not to screw it up good bye and god bless you all :)
Review time! I know I'm late, but I tried making this last night and I went to bed during the middle. Time to finish this up and get the review out!
Title: Boring title. Yawn.
Description: No caps? Abnormally short with 1 sentence? Not good. We need something more in here.
Story: Chapter 1 and Chapter 2. "Chapter" needs to capitalized in both. Also, there less than 1000 words each. There's a non-written quality rule that every chapter must be at least 1000 words. You should abide by this.
Original story:
Now, since it's a wall of text and I can't review it very well, I'm going to split it up. No text will be edited, but it'll have a new paragraph every sentence so it's readable.
Green=Problem
Purple=Correction
Red=Recurring mistake that I won't give a full discussion on.
I put about 3 hours into fixing this thing. THREE HOURS. You have so many mistakes, it's unbearable for a long amount of time. You extremely need an editor. And I mean, extremely need it. You have so many mistakes, it's unreadable.
Well, I'm done. Those are most of the mistakes I've found. Just... get an editor and a proofreader, alright?
Well, I'm out! Hopefully you'll get better some day!
fc03.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/298/f/b/this_just_got_signed_by_goldeneagle159__by_goldeneagle159-d5iye41.jpg
1505836 Welp, when you do. I'll be sure to review it for ya.
Well, lets start, shall we?
Soarin:"Rainbow Dash well you marry me. "YES"!!! said the excited Rainbow mare. "Really oh my Celsitia i knew you were going to say yes" said Soarin. "And i always knew you were going to propose to... are those tears of joy i see on your face? said rainbow smilingI like to be nice and to put fun comments and reviews, so lets see here. S-Scripted words? 
Also, I like expression. Would you like a book that says "He ran down the mountain." ? I wouldn't. No details? No expression? That would call for a 
! This has expression but I don't really think enough. You might want to change the beginning to this. "Soarin looked deeply into Rainbow Dashes eyes and finally blurted out, "Will you marry me?". That's beautiful expression. YOU are important. PLEASE show it! You do that by capitalizing your I's. Also, typo mistake! "Will" not "Well". 
I see Rainbow was excited, but it just doesn't seem right. I guess you could say good enough detail, but I really don't like how it just said, well, "said." Maybe this would be better. "YES!!!" Screamed Rainbow Dash, hopping up and down from excitement.. Eh. Common mistake here. You ALWAYS put the endpoints in the "s. Capitalize A please, TWO PERIOD RULE! You're probably like, "What?". It's true. Two period rule. Goes the same with endpoints. "Oh my gosh oh my gosh really?!??" Is not right. Only two. Same with this. "Well.. Eh.. Yeah.". It's mostly used on studdering. CAPITALIZE THE I DUDE! You are important! Capitalize S, and the R in Rainbow and ! on the end of the sentence. Case closed~
Uh oh! That's not a common mistake in writing, but you know. Mistakes are magic, but the thing is you NEVER put :'s. You may only do that in a form of a script, or for an example for your story, but you never EVER put it in the story itself.
Lets play a game! I copy stuff from the book and fix it! Then I explain what you did wrong."What no its its um... allergies yeah its allergies" lied the wonder bolt stallion. "your a terrible lier you know that soarin, i love you. "and i love you to rainbow more then anything" they both kissed. Meanwhile at the hall of justice the heroes found out that aqua man is a brony. "What no it's, it's um.. Allergies? Yeah, it's allergies." Stuttered the Wonder Bolt stallion. "You are a TERRIBLE liar, you know that Soarin? I still love you, though. Rainbow Dash protested. "And I, love you to Rainbow.. More than anything." Soarin said with love. They both kissed.
Now. Capitalize A in Allergies, Capitalize the L in Lied, Capitalize the Y in Your- And make your you're. It's a conjunction. I made "terrible" capitalized just for expression. It goes either way. xD. "lier" should be "liar." Put a comma right after liar, put a question mark after Soarin. Only because that sentence was wrong in all ways, but I'm here to fix! Put "I still love you, though." After Soarin. Capitalize the A in And, Capitalize the I, put two periods after rainbow, Capitalize the M in more and put an endpoint. Add something. Soarin said with love, instead of Soarin said. You added a funny, but unneeded sentence. Please remove that, very funny though. I enjoyed it kind of. xD. At carousel boutique Rarity is done making Rainbow dash wedding "are you sure i should wear this? it doesnt look aerodynamic"said the bride. "Dont worry my dearest friend this dress is perfect for you and your husband is also going to like it' said Rarity then Rainbow Dash smiled and blushed at the word 'husband'. Hours later.
The wedding has finally begun Soarin stood there waiting for his bride to come. the wonder bolts were also there and so are Rainbow Dash friends, Spitfire is the priest , the cutie mark are now teenagers and so is Spike. Spike and Sweetie belle are developinig crush on each other. The doors open , Spike plays the wedding song with a piano, the cutie mark crusader holding in there mouth baskets in there droping flowers, and here comes the bride. This was rainbow dash biggest moment. At the carousel boutique Rarity, is done making Rainbow Dashes perfect wedding dress. "Are you sure I should wear this, Rarity? It doesn't look aerodynamic." Said the beautiful bride, Rainbow Dash. "Don't worry my dearest friend. This dress is perfect for you, and your husband is going yo love it!" Rarity said. Rainbow Dash smiled and blushed at the word, "husband". The wedding has finally begun and Soarin stood there waiting for his bride to come. The Wonder Bolts were there also, and so are Rainbow Dashes friends. Spitfire is the priest, the C.M.C were there all grown up, and so was spike. Spike and sweetie Belle were developing a crush on each other. The doors open. Spike plays the wedding song with a piano, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders are holding baskets in their mouths, dropping flowers. Here comes the bride. This was Rainbow Dashes BIGGEST moment.
..For now I'm just going to correct it..
spitfire begin talking. "We are now gathered here for the wedding of". "Sorry captian but you think could skip to the end please" said rainbow dash. "ok then, soarin do you take rainbow dash as your wife"? "i do" he said grinning "and rainbow
dash do you take". YES!! she said replied quickly. "then now i pronouse you mare and colt, may you kiss the bride". they both kissed. then every pony appluad and big macin tosh shed manly tears. "there the most cutest couple ever",said twilight "im going to miss her you think shes ever going to comeback" fluttershy said. "well maybe she'll come , but she have business
to do first with soarin". said rarity. "what busine - oh right" said apple jack, "next time i wanna going to host the wedding party" Please don't add all of the "Rainbow Dashes biggest moments" it's kind of a waste of time. Heres the correction.
Spitfire began talking. "We are now gathered here for the wedding of-" "Sorry, captain, but do you think you could just skip to the end?" Interrupted Rainbow Dash impatiently. "Okay, then. Soarin, do you take Rainbow Dash as your mare?" "I do." Soarin said grinning. "And Rainbow Dash, do you take-" "YES!!" She interrupted again, knowing what he'd say. "Then I now pronounce you mare and colt. You may kiss the bride. "They both kissed each other. Everypony applauded and big Macintosh shed many tears. "There the most cutest couple ever." Twilight said, amused. "I'm going to miss her.. She'll be very busy." "Well maybe she'll come over some time. She has a lot of business to attend to." Rarity said. "What busine- oh right." Said Applejack. "Next time I want to host the wedding party."
I really don't like the next part. It's kind of offending.
It also is a pointless part, but I see what you're trying to do. You're trying to make it funny, but next time correct mistakes please!
does every body knows who knighty is?
1534980
He's the guy who owns and builds this website. So, yes. Most of us know who he is. I am, in fact, only here because he mentioned you in his blog today: here.
For starters, I'm going to ask this question: how many books have you read? If the answer is easily less than one hundred, just go down to your local library and start checking out novels and reading them. It doesn't really matter which ones, but it would help if they're ones you like. You won't be able to write well until you're familiar with what good writing looks like.
Walls of text 'errwhere! Like what BlueMoon98 said, expression is the key here! Oh yeah,
You might want to take out the colon and replace that, how many times have you seen a fictional book that has a colon in it? None. Anyways, just take some advice coming from me. GET A PROOF READER.
Have a good day SIR.
1509359
Dude, I hate to be this guy, but you really shouldn't be trying to help people, because you have no idea what you're doing.
Half of everything you "fixed" in that review is just wrong. Until you learn what grammar, punctuation and spelling are, you're only going to make people worse.
Chapter 3 is already made
1504252 Jesus, even you showed up to grace this terrible abomination? My god, man...
Back in action!
Let's take a look at chapter 3 now.
Oh wow...
I consider my self a grammar nazi, so here comes the wave of corrections!
Section 1: Spelling
You have the spelling skills of a dog. Now, I think you've spelled 'captain' wrong two times in this chapter, boy, if you're planning to get successful, you'll need to improve your spelling skills. BIG TIME.
Too lazy to do the rest.
loving family is back in beusniss
I'm going to speak to you like an adult because I think it's necessary for you to hear. I'm not going to sugar coat this. You have no business writing stories at all. Up until now, this was the only story I knew that you wrote and it wasn't very good. You received loads of advice from writers better than you who took the time and the effort to parse your story and to tell you what needed to be done. You ignore all of that and post this garbage with the same issues, same crappy spelling, same fucked up structure and absolutely no narrative flow. So lesson not learned.
Then I last night there was your story that was ripped off from "Uncharted". You did the right thing and pulled it down.
Then I actually read through the comments, checked out the link to knighty's blog and found the first... thing you tried to post. Yeah. That wasn't even funny in an ironic sense. You just went for something completely offensive and totally without merit. It's obvious from all this that you're not taking this seriously.
Half of my brain was completely damaged after reading this.Dude, if you want to write stuff, go ahead.But first you'll need to go to school.This fanfic is really bad.And I never say a fanfic is bad.
1680335
*Business
What grade are ya in bud? 1st?
I believe we are in the presence of the greatest troll in the history of EVER. Sir if this was your intention than you deserve an award