Retirement. It was a tough subject for Spitfire. She knew she was about to retire soon, but she hadn' t notified Fleetfoot and Soarin of her decision. Unfortunately for Spitfire, Fleetfoot already knows and is more than apt to tell her all of her feelings on the matter. She's angry. She's anxious. She's upset.
She just wants Spitfire not to leave. Was it that hard to want something like this in life?
Apparently to Spitfire, there's more to this than meets the eye.
Written originally for a Speedwrite for Quills and Sofas' Spitfire Contest under both prompts Leave No One Behind and Finish Line, where it tied for 1st place. This is a revised expanded version of said fic that is now a submission to the 2024 Wonderbolts Sitewide Contest.
Pre-read by 6-D Pegasus.
Excellent story, I tried, but I don't really have enough experience to point out anything substantial; Everything looked right for story/pacing/grammar/etc.
There's a few straight quotes still mixed in with angular quotes. Hard to notice if you aren't looking for it.
I read Arcus as https://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Arceus and royalty for some reason. (joking)
11882353
Happy you enjoyed the fic, owlicious! Also I have no idea how the angular quotes happened there. I'll have to see if I can fix those. Thanks for pointing that out!
Your characterizations and dialogue are so on point and natural, love it every time! Not to mention the heartfelt and mature handling of such a topic as the retirement of a leader to a team that has known no other for most they can remember, especially to Fleetfoot . It was an honor getting to pre-read this!
*reads title summary*
My brain:
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Again, excellent story, just nitpicking on word processors for the "any feedback"
11882355
Word processors can replace quotes automatically? When you type them in the text box in fimfiction's web UI or a comment, they're the plain vertical straight quotes from your keyboard, though there's an editing option to replace them with curly quotes (Formatting > Curly Quotes in the story editing menu). Style guides disagree, though https://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide uses curly quotes for its examples rather than vertical quotes. https://writer.com/blog/curly-quotes/
I was arguing for angular(curly) quotes, though either form of consistency's fine, and style guides depend on the medium. I'm typing this comment as-is without formatting.
edit: nit: Also ptsd vs PTSD for the initialism seemed unusual https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/post-traumatic_stress_disorder
11882365
Thank you, Sixdee! Glad you enjoyed the fic and it was a honor to have you on one of my fics as a pre-reader!
11882368
I love my no Vigor having builds.
11882422
It's extremely odd since I don't recall Google Docs having different version of quotes. That's how I write most of my fics. Maybe it was a transfer issue of how GDocs moves text over? Ehh... definitely confusing.
Well done friend.
Best wishes, and may the best story win
Every soldier retires eventually and this felt so natural. Bravo Zulu.
Retirement comes earlier than expected to anyone in a physically demanding job. Something I thought you portrayed well was the pain of a body that can no longer keep up. The imagery of her wings, her hooves, just everywhere and knowing that it means the end of a lifetime of work came across beautifully. I think some of the dialogue was a little fast paced, but that pace fits within the speed of how the Wonderbolts are. Very enjoyable, bravo!
11883336
Thank you. I'm happy you enjoyed the fic!
To be honest with you, I have no idea if I'd be in the running to win. I just was bored and wanted to write for a contest. Outside of judge submissions for contests I'm judging for, I have not been a submitter to one since 2015.
11883363
Thank you, Caladis! Hope you're doing well and I'm happy you enjoyed the fic.
11883398
Thank you, I really appreciate this comment. Those details in particular were missing from the original piece and I'm glad that they helped solidify a proper tone of the fic. The original was too comedy heavy so I trimmed it back to get this version. This is probably also why it seemed a little fast-paced since it was originally supposed to be more light-hearted comedy, but now it's a drama/sad fic. I'm happy that you enjoyed the story!
I wanted to like this but the tone is just all over the place. It feels like a stream-of-conciousness about a story instead of an actual story.
Good concept, needs heavy editing.
This story touches on three soft spots I have simultaneously: The load placed upon a leader, and the ravages of time making themselves known for a leader, and Spitfire herself.
Especially for an athlete-soldier, captain is a tough position. Knowing when it is time to surrender to the passage of time when you have to present a nigh-invulnerable image to your subordinates is never an easy position, and I think you've captured that characterization here excellently. Not only that, but Fleetfoot feels like someone who's really come up alongside Spitfire as well: Someone who looks up to her as more than a superior officer, but regards Spitfire as a true role model and sister-in-arms.
That's a characterization sorely lacking from a lot of Wonderbolt stories, and I'm really glad to see it here. It gives this story far more weight and depth than it might otherwise have.
If there's one critique I would give, it's that the tone does fluctuate in places, particularly as Spitfire reminisces and her thoughts wander. I would suggest that you look out for these atonal moments (in this case, some silly/jokey stuff) and try to keep the tone more solid.